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Octoter  1st,  1914 


LACONICS 

(FOURTH  REVISED  EDITION) 

HANFORD  LENNOX  GORDON 


HANFORD  L.  GORDON 

Log  Angeles.  California 
1914 


With  the  Compliments  of  the  Author, 

Hanford  Lennox  Gordon 

(and  Bronco  Bill) 
Los  Angeles,  California 


Copyright,  1910,  by  Hanford  Lennox  Gordon 
Copyright,  1912,  by  Hanford  Lennox  Gordon 
Copyright,  1913,  by  Hanford  Lennox  Gordon 

COPYRIGHT 

Entered  in  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  Washington,  D.  C. 
in  the  year,  1914,  by  Hanford  Lennox  Gordon 


Press  of 

Commercial  Printing  House 
Los  Angeles,  Cal. 


PREFACE 

For  years  I  have  kept  notes  of  such  thoughts  and 
laconic  expressions  as  I  deemed  worth  preserving. 
Out  of  the  mass  I  have  sifted  and  arranged  the  con- 
tents of  this  volume,  with  additions. 

There  are  not  many  thoughts  in  this  book  that  have 
not  been  expressed  by  others  in  some  form.  I  have 
aimed  to  prune  and  improve,  and  in  many  cases  to 
make  new  clothes  out  of  old  cloth.  I  have  perhaps 
produced  a  few  hybrids. 

"Though  old  the  thought  and  oft  expressed, 
"Tis  his  at  last  who  says  It  best." — Lowell. 

I  have  followed  the  advice  of  Horace — 

Misce  stultiam  consiliis  brevem 

I  have  quoted  often — perhaps  too  freely — from  my 
Indian  Legends  and  Other  Poems. 

In  this  edition  I  have  added  many  apt  quotations, 
for  which  I  have  given  credit. 

Hanford  Lennox  Gordon. 
Los  Angeles,  Cal. 
October  1,  1914. 


LACONICS 


Ability.    Ef  it  ain't  in  'im,  it  cain't  come  out. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Absence-absent.      Absence   makes   the   heart   grow 

fonder. — T.  Haynes  Bayley. 
Distance  sometimes  endears  friendship,  and  absence 

sweeteneth  it. — James  Howell. 
Conspicuous  by  his  absence. — After  Tacitus,  Annals, 

Book  3. 

I  dote  on  his  very  absence. — Shakespeare. 
Absence  is  to  love  what  wind  is  to  fire;  it  puts  out 

the  little  and  kindles  the  great. — Bussy. 
He  wuz  allus  conspicerus  by  his  absence  when  the 
bullets  war  playin'  jewsharps;  but  he  wuz  allus 
the  most  conspicerus   man  in  the   fight — in   the 
newspapers. — Bronco  Bill. 
The  absent  party  is  always  at  fault. 
He  is  absent-minded;  he  fergits  tu  pay  his  debts. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Abuse.    Our  appetites  are  for  use,  not  for  abuse. 
Everything  has  its  use  and  abuse. 

Accept.    We  must  accept  things  as  they  are. 

— Napoleon. 

Accident.     The  accident  of  an  accident. — Mirabeau 

on  Robespierre. 
He  did  the  right  thing — by  accident. 

Acknowledgment.    If  you  have  done  a  wrong  thing, 
do  a  manly  thing — acknowledge  it. 


LACONICS 


Adjectives.  He  is  loaded  with  adjectives — mostly 
superlatives. 

Admiration.  We  always  like  those  who  admire  us ; 
we  do  not  always  like  those  whom  we  admire. 

— La  Rochefoucauld. 
Where  none  admires,  'tis  useless  to  excel. 

— George  Lyttleton. 

Adversity.  Only  in  adversity  do  we  come  to  know 
ourselves. 

Adversity  leads  the  wise  to  prosperity. 

The  winds  of  adversity  blow  egotism  out  of  us. 

Adversity  winnows  out  the  chess  and  the  chaff; 
the  wheat  remains. 

In  adversity — calm ;  in  prosperity — calm. 

They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap  in  pros- 
perity. 

The  courage  of  the  brave  grows  in  adversity. 

In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends ;  in  adversity 
they  will  beware  of  you. 

Prosperity  is  a  great  teacher;  adversity  a  greater. 

—Haslitt. 

Sweet  are  the  uses  of  adversity. — Shakespeare. 

Adversity  always  overtakes  the  idle  and  impro- 
vident. 

Don't  call  it  adversity,  it's  nuthin'  but  pore  whisky 
an'  durn  laziness. — Bronco  Bill. 

Advertise.    Ef  yer  a  lawyer,  advertise ;  jine  the  Y.  W. 

C.  A.  an'  advertise. 
Ef  yer  a  doctor,   advertise;   put  placards   on  the 

graves  uf  yer  patients  an'  advertise. 
Ef  yer  a  preacher,  put  yer  purtiest  "split-skirts"  in 

the  choir,  an'  git  yer  sermons  printed  in  the  papers, 


LACONICS 


ef  yer  hev  tu  pay  f  er  it,  an'  advertise ;  pass  the  con- 
tribution box,  an'  advertise — advertise  ! 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Advice.  Be  careful  whom  you  advise,  lest  he  pur- 
sue the  adviser  instead  of  the  advice. 

All  can  give  advice ;  few  profit  by  it. 

"It  is  more  blessed  to  receive"  advice  than  to  give 
advice. 

Seek  advice  rather  than  praise. 

It  is  easy  to  give  advice  after  it  is  done. 

Take  a  few  drops  of  your  own  advice. 

Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 
doctor ;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 

Don't  feed  advice  to  a  fool ;  he  can't  digest  it. 

Good  but  rarely  came  from  good  advice. — Byron. 

Affectation.  We  had  better  appear  to  be  what  we 
are  than  affect  to  be  what  we  are  not. 

— La  Rochefoucauld. 

Affliction.  Strength  is  born  in  the  silence  of  afflic- 
tion. 

A  proud  man,  like  a  generous  vine,  runs  wild  and 
fruitless,  unless  propped  by  wisdom  and  pruned 
by  affliction. 

The  gem  is  polished  by  friction,  man  by  affliction. 

The  crushed  rose  gives  the  sweetest  perfume. 

The  bitters  of  affliction  are  a  good  tonic. 

It  is  not  hard  to  bear  the  afflictions  of  others,  but 
we  grumble  at  our  own. 

The  worst  affliction  most  men  have  is  a  "swelled 
head." 

Job's  wife  thought  affliction  wuz  good  fer  biles,  but 
I  hed  tu  set  on  a  piller  an'  a  poultice  uf  axle- 
dope. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS 


After.    It  is  easy  to  give  advice  after  the  event. 
Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are 

dead. 

"It  wuz  bad  whusky  Oi  drunk,"  said  Pat ;  "it  didn't 
taste  half  ez  good  comin'  up  this  mornin'  ez  it  did 
goin'  doon  lasht  night."* 

After-thought    His  head  is  full  of  after-thought. 
Every  old  hat  is  full  of  after-thought. 

Age.    That  man  never  grows  old  who  keeps  youth 

in  his  heart. 
That  man  is  already  too  old  who  has  lost  confidence 

in  himself. 
Time  consecrates ;  and  what  is  grey  with  age  becomes 

religion. — Coleridge. 
We  are  in  the  Golden  Age  of  Iron. 
Age  considers ;  youth  leaps  in. 
When  I  git  old  I'm  goin'  tu  quit  workin'  an'  go  tu 

talkin'  like  a  ole  woman  an'  Billy  Bryan. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Don't  put  on  airs,  you  will  only  air  your  littleness. 
Virtue  hez  tu  turn  tu  old  age  fer  her  friend  and 

defender. — Bronco  Bill. 

Agnostic.    A  kind  uf  uth-wum  without  eyes  or  ears, 
diskivered  by  Dr.  Huxley. — Bronco  Bill. 

Agriculture — is  the  chief  foundation  of  nations. 

— Napoleon. 

I  druther  hoe  pertaters  thun  be  a  flunkey. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Ahead.     Hope,  ahead;  regret,  behind. 
Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
Put  your  face  to  the  front,  and  go  ahead. 


LACONICS 


When  it's  dark  and  Injuns  air  about,  I  allus  let 
some  ether  feller  go  ahead  an'  git  the  glory. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Aim.    Take  aim  or  you  will  waste  your  ammunition. 
He's  kinder  cross-eyed;  he  aimed  at  a  cyote  an'  hit 
a  calf. — Bronco  Bill. 

Air — airs.     Fresh  air,  free  from  care,  a  walk  in  the 
sun,  and  a  little  fun,  are  better  than  pills  for 
you,  my  son. 
Thet  prodigal  heir  is  airin'  the  hul  family. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

She's  a  Chicago  gal;  when  she's  on  the  lake  front 
she  allus  puls  up  'er  petticoats  tu  air  her  red 
stockin's. — Bronco  Bill. 

All.    One  thing  is  a  part  of  all  things. 

If   we   knew   everything  of   one   thing,   we   would 

know  all  things. 
All  for  each  and  each  for  all. 
Trust  me  not  at  all,  or  all  in  all. — Tennyson. 
He  hath  nothing  done  that  doth  not  all. 

— Samuel  Daniel 
I  am  become  all  things  to  all  men. — First  Epistle  to 

the  Corinthians.    9-22,  R.  V. 
All  the  speed  is  in  the  spurs. 
All  will  come  out  in  the  washing. — Spanish — (Todo 

saldra  en  la  colada.) 

All's  well  that  begins  well  and  ends  well. 
All  is  "suckers"  (fish)  that  comes  to  his  net. 
All  the  winning  is  in  the  buying. — Proverb. 
All  keys  hang  not  on  one  girdle. — Proverb. 
All  is  not  lost  while  life  remains. — Proverb. 


LACONICS 


All  flesh  is  not  venison. — Proverb. 

All  are  not  saints  that  go  to  church. — Proverb. 

All  are  not  hunters  that  blow  their  horns. — Proverb. 

All  are  not  friends  that  speak  us  fair. 

All  bread  is  not  baked  in  one  oven. — Proverb. 

All  are  not  brave  that  bluster ;  all  are  not  brave  that 

brag. 

All  lay  loads  on  a  willing  horse. — Proverb. 
All  the  time  you  have  is  now. 
Don't  put  all  your  eggs  in  one  basket. 
All  things  are  parts  of  all  things. 
It'll  be  a  long  time  before  we  an'  the  rest  uf  us 

knows  it  all. — Bronco  Bill. 

Alms.     The  best  alms  you  can  give  a  "hobo"  is  a 
sledge-hammer  and  a  rock-pile. 

Alone.    I  was  never  less  alone  than  when  alone. 

— After  Gibbon. 
Alter.    The  case  is  altered ;  that  alters  the  case. 

Ambition.     Ambition  is  the  germ  of  noble  deeds. 
Ambition  may  sour,  but  never  satisfy  us. 

Ambition,  the  last  infirmity  of  noble  minds. 

— Milton. 

Ambition  can  creep  as  well  as  soar. — Burke. 
The  very  substance  of  the  ambitious  is  merely  the 
shadow  of  a  dream. — Shakespeare. 

Amend.    If  you  would  amend  men,  begin  with  your- 
self, and  stay  with  it. 

If  you  have  wronged  yourself,  make  amends. 
The  Legislature  cannot  amend  or  repeal  the  laws 
of  Nature. 


LACONICS 


We  orter  amend  a  lot  more  men  with  a  rope. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Amusements.     Innocent  amusements  are  blessings. 
Amusement  is  as  necessary  to  man  as  labor. 
Unstring  the  bow  or  else  the  bow  will  break. 
No  man  is  wise  who  is  not  all  his  life,  betimes,  a 
boy. 

Anarchy.    Anarchy  was  born  in  Hell. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

The  hundred-headed  monster  Cerberus, 

Mothered  of  hell  and  fathered  of  all  fiends. 

See  Liberty  run  mad  and  Anarchy, 

Bearing  the  torch,  the  dagger  and  the  bomb, 

Red-mouthed  run  riot  in  her  sacred  name: 

Men  lapse  to  savagery  and  turn  to  beasts. 

Hell-broth — hag-boiled. 

Maelstrom  of  madness,  lazar-howled,  hag-shrilled. 

Discord,  demented,  flaps  her  ruffled  wings, 

And  shrieks  delirium  to  her  screeching  brood. 

— Men. 

A  rattlesnake  bit  an  anarchist's  hide; 
It  was  the  rattlesnake,  not  the  man,  that  died. 

Mad  Murder  raves  and  Horror  holds  her  hell. 

— Men. 

****Men  murder-mad 
Slay  for  the  love  of  murder. — Men. 
Government  by  the  multitude  is  anarchy. 
In  time  of  anarchy  a  dictator  is  a  savior. 
Where  law  ends  anarchy  begins. 
Democracy   breeds    demagogues,   thieves   and   pov- 
erty, and  ends  in  anarchy. 
Anarchy  is  a  cancer  on  the  body  politic. 


LACONICS 


The  best  way  tu  cure  the  arnicists  is  tu  give  'em 
a  dose  uf  blue  lead. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ancestry — ancestors. 
The    further    back    you    trace   your    ancestors    the 

nearer  you  get  to  the  brutes. 
He  has  degenerated  through  a  long  pedigree  from 

noble  brutes. 

He  apes  his  ancestor-apes. 

The  noblest  line  in  Europe  runs  back  to  a  robber. 
Your  forefather  was  Adam. 
The    son    of    an    illustrious    man    stands    in    the 

shadow  of  his  father. 
Praise  your  noble  ancestors  less  and  imitate  them 

more. 
The  family  tree  of  nobility  is  like  a  potato-top — 

its  roots  bear  all  the  fruit. 
After  all,  birth  is  much.     "Do  men  gather  grapes  of 

thorns,  or  figs  of  thistles  ?" — Jesus. 
From  a  noble  breed  a  noble  steed. 
From  good  seed  a  good  breed. 
A  good  tree  cannot  bring  forth  evil  fruit,  neither 

can  a  corrupt  tree  bring  forth  good  fruit. — Jesus. 
The  virtues   of  our   ancestors   are   good,   but   vir- 
tues of  our  own  are  better. 
Our  ancestors  were  fine  fellows,  but  they  fought 

like  Kilkenny  cats. 
He  is  more  deserving  than  any  of  his  ancestors, 

and  most  of  them  were  hanged. 
Here  is  a  little  man  strutting  over  the  bones  of  his 

ancestors — turn   'im   out   in    the   pasture;    green 

feed  is  short  and  the  cows  need  him. 
"I  can't  boasht  av  me  ancestors,"  said   Pat  to  the 

English  lord,  "but  I  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity, 

fer  Biddy  an'  me  hez  twinty-wan  av  'em."* 


LACONICS 


If  you  take  pride  in  your  ancestors  read  back  to 

the  baboon. 

I  am  my  own  ancestor. — Junot,  Due   d'Abr antes. 
"Whut  a  pity  it  be  thet  life's  but  a  span; 

Per   me   grandfayther   wuz   a   mosht   woonderful 
mon." — The  Harp  of  Erin. 

Angel.    A  man  may  look  like  an  angel  and  act  like 

a  devil. 

The  on'y  time   I   iver  got  badly  "done   up"   wuz 
playin'  poker  with  a  feller  with  a  angel-face  on 
'im. — Bronco  Bill. 
Half  angel  and  half  devil. 
Like  angel  visits,  few  and  far  between. 

Thomas  Campbell. 

She  may  be  a  angel,  but  she  gobbles  salt  pork  an* 
sasage  like  them  belles  uf  Chicago. — Bronco  Bill. 
Women  are  angels,  wooing. 

Things  won  are  done,  joy's  soul  lies  in  the  doing. 

— Shakespeare. 
Some  men  are  angels  when  they  woo,  and  devils 

when  they've  won. 

She  might  a-bin  a  angel,  but  she  didn't  hev  no  wings, 
an'  the  tail-feathers  war  all  on  'er  hat. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Anger.    Anger  begets  anger. 

Furious  rage  is  for  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Life  is  too  short  for  revenge. 

Anger  costs  too  much. 

The  wise  man's  anger  is  like  fire  from  a  flint — a 

flash  and  no  more. 
Anger  is  a  noble  infirmity. — Tupper. 
Carries  anger  as  the  flint  bears  fire. — Shakespeare. 


10  LACONICS 


The  end  of  anger  is  the  beginning  of  repentance. 

— Bidenstedt. 

Like  woman's  anger,  impotent  and  loud. — Dryden. 
Let  anger's  fire  be  slow  to  burn. — Proverb. 
Be  slow  to  anger;  be  not  slow  to  quench  the  fire. 
Anger  is  the  last  argument  of  a  fool. 
Temper  anger  in  "sweet  oil." 
Never  go  to  bed  angry:  you  had  better  sit  up  atf 

night. 
An   angry  man   "stirreth   up   strife,"   and   wounds 

himself. 
An  angry  man  is  like  one  who  attempts  to  quench 

fire  with  kerosene. 
There  is  an  anger  that  is  just — the  anger  of  truth 

betrayed. 
Anger  is  the  match  that  kindles  a  fire  that  burns 

a  city. 
Don't  git  mad  an'  swar;  whistle  a  sam  till  yer  git 

over  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
Ef  yer   rael   mad   don't   say   nuthin'   till   the  next 

mornin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Antagonist.     Our  antagonist  is  our  helper. — Burke. 

Anticipation.  Anticipation  is  sweeter  than  enjoy- 
ment. 

Why  add  the  burden  of  to-morrow  to  the  should- 
ers of  to-day? 

Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 

He  anticipates  in  dreams  and  dines  on  a  crust. 

He  hez  a  "briler"  fer  breakfast  ez  soon  ez  the 
hen  cackles. — Bronco  Bill. 

Antiquity.  How  many  fetters  we  willingly  wear 
because  they  were  forged  by  our  forefathers ! 


LACONICS  11 


Go  back  to  antiquity — to  the  chimpanzee  and  the 

gorilla. 
If  you   take  pride  in  your  ancestry   read   back  to 

the  cave-dwellers. 
Veneration  of  antiquity  is  congenial  to  the  human 

mind. — Burke. 
To  look  back  to  antiquity  is  one  thing;  to  go  back 

to  it  is  another. — C.  C.  Colton. 
Antiquity  is  not  always  proof  of  verity. 
All   things   which   are   now    regarded   as   of   great 

antiquity  were  once  new. — Tacitus. 
The  precedents  of  antiquity  are  often  stumbling- 
blocks. 
We   praise   things   which   are   ancient,   careless   of 

those  which  are  modern. — Tacitus. 
Old  things  are  always  in  good  repute,  present  things 

in  disfavor. — Tacitus. 
I'm  fond  uf  antiquity, — I  like  ole  "flapjacks"  an' 

ole  fish. — Bronco  Bill. 

Anxiety.    Anxiety  is  the  canker  of  life. 

Reasonable  apprehension  is  safer  than  too  con- 
fident security. 

No  shoulders  are  broad  enough  to  carry  the  anx- 
ieties of  to-morrow  on  top  of  the  burdens  of 
to-day. 

Don't  borrow  trouble  of  to-morrow. 

A  cartload  of  anxiety  will  not  pay  an  ounce  of 
debt. — (un  carro  di  inquietudine  non  pagaranno 
un}  oncia  di  debito.) — Italian  Proverb. 

Aphorism — apothegm.       Aphorisms     are     distilled 

thoughts. 
Proverbs  are  the  gold  dust  of  ages. 


12  LACONICS 


Diamonds  from  the  drift  of  ages. 

Appendix.  "Doctor,  I  suffer  with  headache  after 
a  hearty  dinner."  "Clear  case  of  appendicitis. 
Madam :  I  will  call  in  the  surgeon" — (his  silent 
partner). 

The  author  recently  received  a  letter  from  which 
I  quote:  "He  was  taken  to  the  hospital  yes- 
terday P.  M.,  and  operated  on  for  appendicitis. 

The  doctors  say  the  operation  was  a  perfect  suc- 
cess. P.  S. — He  died  this  morning  at  6  o'clock." 

He  is  an  appendix  to  a  blank  volume. 

Applause.     Vox  Populi  vox  Stultorum. 

It  is  better  to  deserve  applause  than  to  receive  it. 

The  applause  of  fools  is  dispraise. 

When   men   applaud  you,   ask  yourself   what  you 

have  done. 
If  you  hanker  for  applause  go  to  the  newspapers 

and  buy  it. 

The  echo  of  his  bellow  is  his  only  applause. 
Applause  is  the  spur  of  noble  minds;  the  end  and 

aim  of  weak  ones. — Colton. 

Apple.    You  shake  the  tree  in  vain :  the  apples  are 

gathered. 

The  Irish  apple — the  potato — la  pomme  de  terre. 
There  is  small  choice  in  rotten  apples. — Shakespeare 

April.     April,   April, 

Laugh  thy  girlish  laughter : 

Then,  the  moment  after, 

Weep  thy  girlish  tears. — William  Watson. 

Architecture — architect.  In  a  cottage  let  use  be  pre- 
ferred to  beauty,  in  a  mansion  let  use  and  beauty 
be  combined. 


LACONICS  13 


The  architecture  of  a  nation  is  an  index  of  its  civi- 
lization. 

Architecture  is  art. 

It  is  a  long  road  from  the  wigwam  to  the  Con- 
gressional Library. 

Architecture  is  frozen  music. — Schelling. 

He  wuz  his  own  architeck  an'  he  built  himself  like  a 
goose-aigg  'thout  head  er  tail. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ardor.    He  is  a  strong  man  who  in  a  long  struggle 

can  hold  his  ardor  to  the  end. 
Warm  up,  but  don't  get  hot. 

Ardor  is  good,  but  don't  let  it  git  hot  enuff  tu 
burn  yer  har. — Bronco  Bill. 

Argument.  Be  calm  in  argument.  Anger  makes 
even  truth  a  fault. 

The  more  noise  the  less  reason. 

The  truth  can  always  be  told  in  few  words. 

Winnow  the  wheat  from  the  chaff. 

A  clear  statement  is  half  the  argument. 

The  last  argument  of  a  fool  is  anger. 

Hear  the  demagogues, 

With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 

Out-bellow  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 

He  has  a  strong  argument — he  carries  a  "big 
stick." 

It  is  hard  arguing  against  hunger. 

An  Irish  argument — the  shellalah. 

The  point  of  his  argument  is  so  fine  that  it  re- 
quires a  microscope  to  discover  it. 

The  argument  of  the  orthodox  is  based  on   faith. 
His  argyment  limps  like  a  hoss  on  three  legs. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


14  LACONICS 


A  knock-down  argument — a  word  and  a  blow. 

— After  Dryden. 

Aristocracy.     Princes  and  parasites  compose  man- 
kind; 

The  herd  are  parasites  of  parasites. 
God  never  made  two  men  exactly  equal ; 
A  few  men  are  born  lords  and  many,  underlings 

The  mindless  herd  are  but  the  cunning's  tools ; 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
He  wuz  one  of  them  English  aristocracy:  he  wuz 

born  in  a  brewery. — Bronco  Bill. 
Het  is  een  aristocraat  in  folio — he  is  an  aristocrat 

in  folio. — Dutch  Proverb. 

Armor.     Let  virtue  be  your  helmet  and  your  shield, 
And  Truth  your  weapon — weapon  sharp  and  strong, 
And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 
Armed,  cap-a-pie,  with  God's  almighty  truth. 

How  happy  is  he  born  and  taught, 
That  serveth  not  another's  will; 
Whose  armour  is  his  honest  thought, 
And  simple  truth  his  utmost  skill. 

— Sir  Henry  Wotton. 

Arms.    In  America  a  coat-of-arms  counts  less  than 
a  pair  of  strong  arms  in  a  coat. 

Arrogance.     None  so  arrogant  as  the  beggar  sud- 
denly rich. 
Ignorance  and  arrogance  are  twins. 

Art — artist.     Artless  art  is  the  highest  art. 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart; 


LACONICS  15 


What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. 

Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless  art ; 

Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites; 

As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 

So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. — Poetry. 

Nature  the  only  perfect  artist  is: 
Who  studies  nature  may  approach  her  skill; 
Perfection  hers,  but  never  can  be  his, 
Though  her  sweet  voice  his  very  marrow  thrill : 
The  finest  works  of  art  are  Nature's  shadows  still. 

— Poetry. 
Reveal  art,  but  conceal  the  labor. — "Ars  est  celare 

art  em." 

Nature  is  the  art  of  God. — Sir  Thomas  Browne. 
A  great  artist  can  paint  a  great  picture  on  a  small 

canvas. — C.  D.  Warner. 

Aspiration.    See  Man  the  picture  of  perpetual  want ; 
Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves ; 
Give  him  the  land,  and  he  demands  the  sea; 
Give  him  the  earth — he  reaches  for  the  stars. 

— Men. 

Is  there  no  higher  aim  than  cent  pro  cent? 
Are  all  our  holier  aspirations  spent? 
Most  preachers  preach   from   aspiration   not   from 
inspiration. 

Ass.     None  but  an  ass  will  bray. 
"Hurry,    for    I    have    a    horse    to    shoe,"    said    the 
blacksmith    to    the    cobbler    mending    his    shoe; 
"And  I  have  an  ass  to  shoe,"   said  the  cobbler. 
An  ass  is  known  by  his  bray. 

The  bray  of  a  jackass  is  music  to  the  whole  herd 
of  asses. 


16  LACONICS 


When  I  see  a  feller's  name  scratched  on  a  winder- 
glass, 

I  know  he  hed  a  diamond,  an'  his  mother  hed  a 
ass. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ef  yer  make  a  ass  uf  yerself  everybody'll  ride  yer 

— Bronco  Bill. 

The  ass  deserves  his  load. 

A  lion  never  wears  the  ears  of  an  ass. 

You  bray  me  an  ass? — am  I  your  brother? 

To  a  man,  reason ;  to  an  ass,  a  goad. 

An  ass  looks  wise  to  an  ass. 

He  was  brought  up  on  ass-milk. 

A  sorry  ass  is  better  than  no  horse. 

Better  an  ass  that  carries  us  than  a  horse  that 
throws  us. — 7.  G.  Holland. 

John :     "It  pains  me,  sir,  to  see  an  ass." 

Bill:     "Well,  then,  go  break  your  looking-glass." 

He's  a  Samson :  in  the  Dimecrat  Convention  in 
1912  he  slew  the  Philistines  with  the  jaw-bone 
uf  an  ass. — Bronco  Bill. 

Association.  "All  alone"  is  better  than  bad  com- 
pany. 

Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from 
the  company  they  keep. 

Two  brave  men  pulling  together  are  a  four-horse 
team. 

Association  develops  men. 

It  is  idle  to  declaim  against  great  corporations; 
civilization,  the  welfare  of  the  human  race,  de- 
mand them ;  they  have  come  to  stay. 

Atheism.  If  miracles  will  convince  the  atheist,  let 
him  look  about.  All  God's  works  are  miracles. 


LACONICS  17 


Miracles? — Yes,    God    performs    miracles    by    the 

immutable  laws  of  nature. 
A  little  philosophy  inclineth  man's  mind  to  atheism; 

but   depth   in   philosophy   bringeth   men's   minds 

about  to  religion.  (God) — Bacon. 

Atom.    No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. 

— Beyond. 
The  Universe  is  made  of  atoms. 

The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand, — 
Yea,  myriad  millions! — What  are  we? 

— Fame. 
Is  man  merely  "a  fortuitous  concourse  of  atoms?" 

Audacity.     Audacity  often  wins  where  merit  fails. 

Temper  audacity  with  reason. 

Audacity  and  a  fool  started  for  the  North  Pole 
in  a  balloon  some  years  ago;  they  haven't  re- 
ported yet. 

Audacity  is  the  last  refuge  of  guilt. — Dr.  Johnson. 

De  1'audace,  encore  de  1'audace,  toujours  de 
1'audace ! — Danton. 

Authority.     Men  always  worshiped  the  rising  sun. 
"Give  unto  Caesar  that  which  belongs  to  Caesar," 

but  if  it  belongs  to  you,  keep  it  yourself. 
Power  is  authority. 
"You    have    no    authority    to    arrest    me,"    said    a 

greenhorn  to  a  New  York  policeman. 
"I   hain't,   sor? — shmell   av   me   stick,"   replied   the 
"cop." 


18  LACONICS 


How   often   the   ipse    dixit   of    a    little    judge    be- 
comes authority. 

Drest  in  a  little  brief  authority. — Shakespeare. 
Authority  forgets  a  dying  king. — Tennyson. 

Autocrat.    One  still  strong  man  in  a  blatant  land, 
Whatever  they  call  him,  what  care  I? 
Aristocrat,  democrat,  autocrat — one 
Who  can  rule  and  dare  not  lie. — Tennyson. 


B 


Babble.    Care  little  for  the  babble  of  Babylon,  care 

for  what  Truth  can  say. 
Let  the  babbler  babble. 
Every  fool  is  in  love  with  his  own  babble. 
Fame  is  but  the  babble  of  men. 

Babies.    The  "deadly  sin"  is — to  bring  into  the  world 
a  child  mentally,  morally  or  physically  tainted 
by  heredity. 
The  public  is  just  a  great  baby. — Ruskin. 

Quality  not  quantity — breed  children  as  wise 
breeders  breed  horses,  cattle  and  pigs,  and  our 
prisons  and  asylums  would  soon  be  empty. 

Jackrabbits  breed  in  litters,  Bob, 

An'  the  niggers  an'  Chinee, 
An'  the  lazy,  lousy  "Greasers,"  Bob, 

An',  by  gosh,  why  shudn't  we? — Bronco  Bill. 

Back.    He  turns  his  back  on  the  enemy  and  slashes 

the  wind  with  his  sword. 

Don't  turn  your  back  on  the  truth,  and  always 
face  a  lie. 


LACONICS  19 


He  hangs  back  like  a  cow's  tail. — Bronco  Bill. 
Good  by,  pard;  yer  goin'  over  the  "Divide,"   an' 

thar  ain't  no  come-back. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  hez  a  crook  in  his  back,  but  his  head  an'  his 

heart  air  straight  ez  a  bee  line. — Bronco  Bill. 

Back-biters.     Back-biters  bite  themselves. 
Face-flatterers  are  back-biters. 

Backbone.    Backbone  is  the  best  bone  in  your  body. 
Ef  he  on'y  bed  a  little  backbone  he  wudn't  be  sich  a 
jelly-fish. — Bronco  Bill. 

Backward.     Don't  be  backward  in  coming1  forward 

in  your  own  cause. 
A  man  cannot  stand  still;  he  must  go  forward  or 

backward. 
He  is  never  backward    in    coming    forward    when 

the  dinner-bell  rings. 
It  is  sometimes  necessary  to  take  a  step  backward 

to  get  a  foothold. 
Evolution  never  goes  backward? — It  may. 

Bad.    Nothing  so  bad  as  it  seems. 
Take  the  most  of  the  best  and  least  of  the  bad. 
Nothing  so  bad  that  there  is  no  good  in  it. 

Bait.     It  is  rare  to  find  a  fish  that  will  bite  a  bare 

hook. 

A  golden  hook  needs  no  bait. 
There  is  a  bait  for  every  fish. 
A  bullhead  will  take  the  bait  that  a  trout  will 

shy  at. 
Have    your    hook    always    baited ; — gudgeons    are 

plenty  in  every  pond. 


20  LACONICS 


He  allus  hez  his  mouth  open  fer  hooks  baited  with 

promises. — Bronco  Bill. 
The   silver   dollar   is   a  bait   that   even   the   oldest 

sucker  in  the  pond'll  bite  at. 

Bare — barefoot.     If  you  are  barefoot  look  well  to 

your  path. 

Don't  bare  your  breast  to  a  blizzard. 
Gals  like  tu  go  bar-headed,  but  yer  niver  see  a  ole 
woman  in  a  orto  bar-headed  with  a  wig  on. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Bard.    Better  be  a  good  blacksmith  than  a  driveling 

bard. 

My  ole  pard's  a  bard  er  a  bunkum,  an'  I  dunno 
which. — Bronco  Bill. 

Bargain.     Necessity  never  makes  a  good  bargain. 

— Benj.  Franklin. 
A  bargain-counter   is   a   pick-pocket. 

Bark.     Let  the  little  dogs  bark :  did  you  ever  hear 
the  moon  bark  back  at  the  cur? 

It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite; 

But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Bashful.    Don't  be  bashful, — it  don't  pay. 

She's  so  bashful! — pore  thing! — yer  cain't  open  her 
mouth  with  a  can-cutter,  onless  yer  buy  a  mug  uf 
beer  fer  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Battle  of  San  Juan.    Gunnel's  staff  of  press  reporters 

Split  the  ar  with  whoop  an'  cheer: 
Yer  bet  yer  they  war  snorters! 

Way   back    behind    Headquarters, 
With   tew   bar-rels   uf    Schlitz   beer, 
They  fit  thet  bloody  battle  in  the  rear. 

— Bronco  Bill — Cowboy  Ballads. 


LACONICS  21 


Bear.     Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee; 

Forgive  and  be  forgiven; 
For  charity  is   the  golden   key 

That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 
If  you  kick  'em  you  will  discover  the  difference 

between  a  skunk  and  a  bear. 
Ketch  yer  bar  before  yer  sell  his  skin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Beauty.     Beauty  needs  no  letter  of  introduction. 
Beauty  is  a  welcome  guest  everywhere. — Goethe. 
Beauty  is  of  itself  a  power. — Lew  Wallace. 
The  fatal  gift  of  beauty. — Byron. 
No  blemish,  no  beauty. 
Beauty  intoxicates  a  woman  and  makes  a  fool  of 

a  man. 

The  most  beautiful  thing  is  Truth. 
Beauty  without  virtue  is  a  rose  with  a  bad  smell. 
Beauty — a  beautiful  soul  in  a  beautiful  body. 
What  good  is  beauty  to  the  blind  ? 

Beer.    The  more  beer  the  less  bread. 

Before.    Look  before  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
Every  old  hat  is  full  of  regret. 
When  you  are  before,  look  behind ;  when  you  are 
behind,  look  before. 

Beg — beggar.     The  highest  price  you  can  pay  for 

anything  is  to  beg  for  it. 

It  is  a  sin  against  charity  to  give  to  every  beggar. 
Bid  the  beggar  come  to-morrow;    give    to    the 

needy  now. 
Put  a  beggar  on  a  hoss  an'  he'll  beat  an  ortermo- 

bile. — Bronco  Bill. 

Beginning.     Begin  well  and  then  keep  at  it. 


22  LACONICS 


It  is  easier  to  begin  than  to  finish. 

Better  begin  at  the  bottom  and  work  up,  than 

begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
In  the  beginning  a  bucket  of  water  will  put  out  a 

fire  and  save  a  whole  city. 

Few  men  know  when  to  begin  and  when  to  stop. 
The  beginnings  of  great  things  are  little  things. 
"In  the  beginning  God  created  the  heaven  and  the 

earth."     Thar   must   a-bin   a   little   suthin'    thar 

f  er  the  Lord  tu  begin  on. — Bronco  Bill. 

Behind.    When  you  are  behind,  look  before; 
When  you  are  before,  look  behind. 
Look  ahead  or  you  will  fall  behind. 
On  the  wrong  road  the  faster  you  go  the  farther 

you  fall  behind. 
He's  allus  behind  like  a  yaller  dog's  tail. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Behind  time.     If  you   are   behind   time   you   can't 

catch  the  "Limited"  by  running. 
The  wise  man  is  seldom  behind  time. 
Better  five  minutes  ahead  than  five  seconds  be- 
hind. 

I  owe  all  my  success  in  life  to  having  been  always 
a  quarter  of  an  hour  before  my  time. 

— Lord  Nelson. 

Belief.  "I  dinna  ken  which  end  o'  'im  to  believe," 
said  a  Scotchman  of  a  dog  that  wagged  his  tail 
and  growled. 

Blind  belief,  what  is  it  but  superstition? 
Each  man's  belief  is  right  in  his  own  eyes. 

— Coivper. 

We  are  inclined  to  believe  those  whom  we  do  not 
know,  because  they  have  never  deceived  us. 

— Dr.  Samuel  Johnson. 


LACONICS  23 


Bell.  Like  sweet  bells  jangling  out  of  tune  and 
harsh. — Shakespeare. 

Belle.  She's  a  sage-hen  frum  the  sage-brush  uf 
Laramie;  but  she's  the  belle  uf  Wyomin'. — 

Bronco  Bill. 

Bellwether.  He's  the  bellwether  uf  a  flock  uf  nanny 
goats. — Bronco  Bill. 

Bend.    Better  bend  than  break. 

Benevolence.    I  relish  the  dinner  I  give  to  a  hungry 

man. 

I  never  gave  a  poor  boy  a  nickel  that  it  didn't  do 
me  more  good  than  it  did  him. 

Best.    The  best  is  always  the  best. 
If  a  man  is  ignorant  of  what  he  is,  how  can  he 

know  what  is  best  for  him? 
The  best  is  the  cheapest. 
Good  is  good,  better  is  better,  best  is  best. 
In  all  things  there  is  a  bad  way,  a  good  way,  and 

a  best  way. 
If  you  can't  have  the  best,  make  the  best  of  what 

you  have. 

Take  the  most  of  the  best  and  the  least  of  the  bad. 
Do  your  best. 

Betray.    When  a  base  man  means  to  betray  you,  he 

will  be  your  best  friend. 
There  is  an  anger  that  is  just,  the  anger  of  truth 

betrayed. 
We  betray  ourselves  oftener  than  others  betray  us. 

Better.     Better  a  skillful  blacksmith  than  a  drivel- 
ling poetaster. 
Better  go  fishing  than  do  nothing. 


24  LACONICS 


Better  fight  than  lie  down  and  be  run  over. 
Better  a  poor  bone  than  no  meat. 

Beware.  Beware  of  der  snare — look  a  leetel  ouet, 
und  don't  put  yer  fuss  in  it — bis  it  go  off  already. 

— Hans. 

Beware  of  the  man  who  comes  to  you  highly  rec- 
ommended by  himself. 

If  he  speaks  too  fair,  beware,  beware. 

Beware  of  the  man  you  have  forgiven ;  he  will  never 
forgive  you. 

Beware  of  the  man  who  blows  a  big  mouth  and  a 
brass  band  for  the  "dear  people." 

Beyond.  The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun- 
touched  sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  Earth? 

Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 

Or  ever  wilt.    Content  thee :  let  it  be. 

Know  only  this — there  is  a  power  unknown — 

Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. — Beyond. 

That  which  is  manifestly  beyond  our  reach  is  be- 
yond our  desire. 

If  the  grapes  are  beyond  your  reach,  try  a  step- 
ladder. 

Bible.  The  traditions  and  superstitions  of  a  people 
are  the  Bible  of  that  people. 

Bigotry.  Bigotry  is  blind  in  one  eye  and  near- 
sighted in  the  other. 

Ignorance  is  ever  bigoted. 

A  bigot  and  a  mule  are  twin  brothers ;  but  the 
mule  is  the  better  man. 

Bigotry  murders  religion  to  frighten  fools  with  her 
ghost. — Colton. 


LACONICS  25 


"Big  Stick." — An  Irish  policeman. 
A  strong  argument,  a  "big  stick." 

Big  things.  It  is  not  profitable  to  run  afar  after 
big  things  and  neglect  the  little  things  that  lie  all 
around  you. 

Bill.  His  name  wuz  Bill,  an'  he  "filled  the  bill,"  fer 
Bill  an'  his  wife  "presented"  thirteen  little 
Bills.— Bronco  Bill. 

Biography.    True  biography  is  the  best  history. 
He  is  writing  his  own  biography.   The  "outlook"  is 
bad   for   the   printer.     He   has   got   only   to   his 
fourteenth   year   and   he   has   already   exhausted 
all  the  capital  Fs  in  the  print-shop. 

Bird.  An  old  bird  is  ware  of  a  little  boy  with  a 
gun. 

It  is  only  a  "dodo"  that  runs  twice  into  the  same 

net  after  chaff. 

A  bird  in  hand  is  worth  two  in  the  sky. 
You  can  tell  an  old  bird  by  her  feathers. 
He's  a  bird;  his  head  is  ful  o'  feathers. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Bitterness — bitter.  Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bit- 
terness; strong  men  eschew  it. 

Without  a  taste  of  the  bitter  we  have  little  relish 
for  the  sweet. 

Stolen  fruit  is  always  bitter-sweet. 

The  bitters  of  affliction  are  a  good  tonic  if  you 
don't  take  too  big  a  dose. 

Take  yer  bitters  like  a  man,  Jo,  an'  they'll  taste 
better  by  an'  by. — Bronco  Bill. 


26  LACONICS 


Blame.     In  every  quarrel  both  sides  are  to  blame. 
It  don't  take  two  to  have  a  quarrel ;  a  man  can 
quarrel  with  himself,  and  often  he  ought  to. 

Blather.    Blather  and  brains  don't  lodge  in  the  same 

cockloft. 

That  barrister  has  more  blather  than  Blackstone. 
If   he  had  more   Coke   in  his   cocoanut   he   would 
blather  less. 

Blemish.     No  beauty  without  blemish. 
I  never  seen  a  woman  yit  'thout  no  spots  on  'er. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Blind.    Who  takes  a  blind  man  for  a  guide? 
Blind  courage  is  dangerous. 
No  feller  is  so  blind  ez  the  feller  thet  don't  wanter 

see. — Bronco  Bill. 

We  are  blind  with  our  eyes  wide  open. 
What  good  is  beauty  to  the  blind? 

Blood.    Mother  England,  Mother  England,  through 

the  ages  blood  will  tell, 
From  the   spears   that  baffled   Caesar  to   the   field 

where  Symons  fell; 
And  from  rugged  Gael  and  Saxon,  brawny  Norsk 

and  stalwart  Danes, 
Still  the  blood  of  Bruce  and  Cromwell  tingles  in 

our  Yankee  veins. — Mother  England. 
Blood  will  tell  even  in  a  Hottentot. 
His  blood  is  like  the  juice  of  a  cucumber. 
Nothing  like  blood,  sir,  in  horses,  dawgs  and  men. 

— Thackeray. 

Blood-hound.     Blood-hounds  behind  and  the  devil 
before. 


LACONICS  27 


A  blood-hound   is  a  harmless  pup  if  he  gets  his 
nose  full  of  red  pepper. 

Blossom — blossomed.     The  blossom  withers  when 

the  fruit  appears. 

He  blossomed  out  in  the  newspapers. 
He  hed  a  peach-blussom  on  the  nub  of  his  nose. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Bluff.     Bluff  is  a  good  dog;  bulldog  is  better. 
The  Gunnel  cain't  be  beat ;  he's  a  bluffer  an'  a  four- 
flusher. — Bronco  Bill. 

Blunder.     Youth   is  full  of  blunders   that  old  age 

regrets. 
The  mistakes  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive 

than  the  blunders  of  a  fool. 

The  man  that  never  made  a  blunder  lacks  education. 
It  is  more  than  a  crime;  it  is  a  blunder. — Fouchc. 

Blunderbuss.     He  was  a  crack  shot  with  a  blun- 
derbuss. 

Blush.     She  blushes  like  a  Hottentot. 

Better  a  blush  in  the  face  than  a  blot  in  the  heart. 

— Cervantes. 
Boast — boaster.     Never  boast  of  what  you  will  do 

till  you  have  done  it. 

Don't  blow  your  bugle  till  the  battle  is  won. 
He  that  boasts  of  what  he  will  do  seldom  does  it. 

Boat.     Fair  boats  that  flutter  in  the  sun  your  sails, 
Piping  anon  to  gay  and  tented  shores 
Sweet  music  and  low  laughter,  it  is  well 
Ye  hug  the  haven  when  the  tempest  roars ; 
For  only  stalwart  ships  of  oak  or  steel 
May  dare  the  deep  and  breast  the  billowy  sea, 


28  LACONICS 


When  sweeps  the  thunder-voiced,  dark  hurricane, 
And  the  mad  ocean  shakes  his  shaggy  mane, 
And  roars  through  all  his  grim  and  vast  immensity. 

— Poetry, 

You  are  in  the  boat  and  the  devil  is  at  the  helm. 
Sink  or  swim,  I  am  in  the  same  boat  with  you. 
"Paddle  your  own  canoe,"  my  boy,  and  remember 

— your    boat    won't    float    up-stream    without    a 

paddle. 

Body.     The  body  will  rest  if  the  mind  will  let  it. 
Take    good    care    of    the    body — it's    your    work- 
machine. 
Give  me  a  body  with  spirits  in  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Bold.    All  gates  open  to  the  bold. 

Be  bolde,  be  bolde,  and  everywhere,  be  bolde. 

— Spencer — Faerie  Queene. 
Be  bold,  but  don't  butt  your  head  against  a  stone 

wall. 

He  wuz  ez  bold  ez  a  sheep  in  the  fight,  an'  ez  bold 
ez  a  lion  after  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Bone.     What  is  bred  in  the  bone  will   stay  there. 

How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 

Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones ! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Backbone  is  the  best  bone  in  your  body. 

A  dog  and  his  bone — let  'em  alone. 

Go — crack    Earth's    bones    and   heave    the   granite 
hills. — Men. 

I've  got  it  in  my  bones;  I  thought  it  was  inspira- 
tion, but  I  guess  it's  rumytics. — Bronco  Bill. 

Books.    The  best  thoughts  of  the  best  minds  of  the 
Ages  are  embalmed  in  books. 


LACONICS  29 


Good  books  are  the  best  counselors. 

A  book  that  inspires  no  thought  in  the  reader  is  not 
worth  reading. 

Give  me  good   books,   baked   potatoes   and  a   log- 
cabin  and  I  will  be  content — for  a  day. 

A   book   that   is   not   worth    reading   twice   is   not 
worth  reading  at  all. 

Some  books  are  to  be  tasted,  others  to  be  swal- 
lowed, and  some  few  to  be  chewed  and  digested. 

— Bacon. 

The  books  which  help  you  most  are  those  that  make 

you  think  the  most. — Theo.  Parker. 

A  good  book  is  good  company. 

Good  books  are  legacies  left  to  mankind. 

A  good  book  is  a  garden  full  of  fruit  and  flowers. 

A  good  book  is  good  medicine  for  the  "blues." 

There  be  books  and  books  and  books,  and  not  one 
in  a  hundred  is  worth  reading. 

Deep  versed  in  books,  and  shallow  in  himself. 

— Milton. 

A  good  book  is  the  best  of  friends. — Tupper. 

The  bookful  blockhead,  ignorantly  read, 

With  loads  of  learned  lumber  in  his  head. — Pope. 

The   university   of   these    days   is   a   collection    of 
books. — Carlyle. 

'Tis  pleasant  sure  to  see  one's  name  in  print; 

A  book's  a  book,  although  there's  nothing  in't. 

— Byron. 
Borrow.    Who  borrows  money  borrows  trouble. 

Who  pays  with  honor  borrows  with  ease. 

Many  are  ready  to  lend  to  the  man  who  has  no 
need  to  borrow. 

Borrow  trouble  and  pay  double. 

Who  loans  much  to  a  friend  loses  a  friend. 


30  LACONICS 


Don't  borrow   trouble,   you   have   enough   of   your 

own. 
He  borrowed  ten  dollars    from    you? — He'll    pay 

thet  debt  the  day  arfter  Etarnity. — Bronco  Bill. 

Boston.     Boston  is  no  longer  boss-town. 
Boston  is  no  longer  the  "Hub,"  it's  only  the  tail- 
board. 

Bottom.    Begin  at  the  bottom  and  climb  to  the  top. 
We  sink  or  swim  as  we  deserve;  most  of  us  go  to 
the  bottom. 

Boy.    The  boy  is  the  father  of  the  man. 
He  that  is  a  boy  at  fifty 
Was  never  very  wise  or  thrifty. 
Many  a  poor  boy  is  ruined  by  his  father's  money. 
I  wish  I  war  a  little  boy — 

A  little  boy  agin, 
Ful  uf  frolic  an'  the  colic, 

Ful  uf  soda-pop  an'  sin. — Bronco  Bill. 
When  does  a  boy  not  take  after  his  father?    When 

his  father  "takes  after"  him. 

Brains.     Brain  and  brawn  make  a  giant  indeed. 
You  can  give  a  man  advice,  but  you  can't  give  him 

brains  to  profit  by  it. 
Brains    don't    grow    on   bushes;    they    often    grow 

under  a  straw  hat. 
He  wars  a  number  seven    hat — mostly    filled    with 

har. — Bronco  Bill. 

Brass — brazen.      He    was   born    in    Brassland    and 

bred  in  Brazen  College. 
Is  this  the  golden  age,  or  the  age  of  gold? 
The  Muses  whisper — "  'Tis  the  age  of  brass." 

— Poetry. 


LACONICS  31 


"Willyum  Jinks"  is  a  great  arketek;  he's  buildin'  a 
money-ment    fer   his-self   outer   brass. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Brass  glitters ;  gold  glimmers. 
He  is  as  brazen  as  a  brass  kettle. 

Brave — bravery.    A  brave  leader  makes  brave  men. 
Be  brave,  but  don't  be  a  bravo. 
There    are    several    degrees     Fahrenheit    between 

bravery  and  bravado. 
It  is  fool  bravery  to  butt  your  head  against  a  stone 

wall. 

He  is  brave — in  the  newspapers. 
Oi  wuz  brave  enough,  sor,  but  Oi  cudn't  kape  me 

dom  legs  from  runnin'  away  wid  me. — Pat.~f 
(f  Attributed,  but  erroneously  to  Abraham  Lincoln). 
None  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair. — Dryden. 
Bravery  never  goes  out  of  fashion. — Thackeray. 
The   Gunnel   wuz   ez  brave   ez   a   lion — arfter   the 

battle  wuz  over  an'  the  enemy  hed  run  outer  sight. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Bread.  Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis 
said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for 
bread. — Poetry. 

"I  can't  find  bread  for  my  family,"  said  a  loafer. 
"Neither  can  I,"  said  a  worker,  "I  have  to  work 
for  it." 

Here  mouths  without  bread,  there  bread  without 
mouths. 

The  less  beer  the  more  bread. 

"Jim  Hill  is  a  robber,"  said  the  Governor  of  Min- 
nesota. "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens  of 


32  LACONICS 


thousands,  you  are  doing  your  level  best  to  pull 
down  the  bakery,"  said  Hill. 

Breeches.     When  the  wife  wears  the  breeches,  let 

the  husband  wear  petticoats. 
Without  a  pair  of  breeches  what  is  man? 
Diogenes'  two-legged  animal  without  feathers. 
Any  man  is  liable  to  have  a  breach  in  his  breeches. 
Them    durn    suffragettes    air    bound    tu    make    a 

breach  in  Uncle  Sam's  breeches. — Bronco  Bill. 

Breed — breeding — bred.     Breeding  in   and   in,   and 

out 

Will  breed  a  mongrel  without  doubt. 
Why  not  be  as  careful  of  the  breed  of  children  as 

of  the  breed  of  dogs? 
Wisdom  and  virtue  are  the  gems,   good  breeding 

the  setting. 

She  would  breed  a  fever  in  the  blood  of  a  fish. 
We  are  all  of  the  same  breed — our  forefathers  were 

gorillas. 
Good  breed,  good  seed ;  good  seed,  good  breed. 

Bridge.  Make  a  bridge  for  your  adversary  to  re- 
treat over. 

It  is  a  safe  bridge  that  falls  before  you  get  onto  it. 

If  you  burn  the  bridge  behind  you,  your  pursuers 
will  have  to  wait  or  wade. 

Be  sure  you  are  over  before  you  burn  the  bridge. 

Britain.     Be  Britain  still  to  Britain  true, 

Amang  oursels,  united; 
For  never  but  by  British  hands 
Maun  British  wrangs  be  righted. — Burns. 

Broth.     Hell-broth,  hag-boiled. 
Cold  clam- juice  is  better  than  no  broth. 


LACONICS  33 


He  put  poison  in  his  enemy's  broth,  and  drank  it 

himself. 
Scotch  broth — barley-broth  wie  a  bit  o'  the  bluid 

wie  it. 

Brother.     For  a'  that,  and  a'  that, 

It's  comin'  yet  for  a'  that, 
That  man  to  man,  the  warld  o'er, 

Shall  brothers  be  for  a'  that. — Burns. 
And  Jehovah  said  unto  Cain:  Where  is  Abel,  thy 

brother?     And  he  said,  I  know  not:  Am  I  my 

brother's  keeper? — Genesis  j-p. 
My  friend  is  a  brother  of  my  own  choosing. 
"There  is  a  friend  (in  Hebrew  lover)  that  sticketh 

closer  than  a  brother." — Proverbs  18-24. 

Brute.     The  further  back  we  trace  our  ancestors, 

the  nearer  we  get  to  the  brutes. 
He  who  is  cruel  to  brutes  is  himself  a  brute. 
"Et   tu,   Brute!"   exclaimed   Caesar   when    Brutus, 

the  brute,  stabbed  him. 

The  following  is  not  mine.  It  was  written  by  my 
dear  friend,  Hon.  Henry  C.  Waite  (of  St.  Cloud, 
Minnesota — now  dead)  and  ought  to  be  embalmed 
and  preserved: 

"Ransack  creation — in  and  out — 
Through  all  its  crooks  and  crannies, 

You'll  never  find  another  brute 
As  big  a  brute  as  man  is." 

It  will  take  a  long  time  to  eradicate  the  brute  in 
the  human. 

Bud.    Many  a  budding  genius  is  nipped  in  the  bud. 


34  LACONICS 


If  every  bud  blossomed  what  a  lot  of  spring  poets 

we  would  have ! 
He  would  have  made  a  man,  but  he  was  blasted  in 

the  bud. 

Building.  Pride  builds  a  mansion  and  the  loan- 
man  lives  in  it. 

Don't  build  a  castle  till  you  can  pay  for  it,  and  then 
build  it  on  your  own  land. 

Build  for  your  own  eyes  and  not  for  the  eyes  of 
others. 

Don't  try  to  build  the  top  story  first. 

He  builded  better  than  he  knew. — Emerson. 

Bull  Run.  "Oi  wuz  in  the  batthle  av  Bui  Run,  Sor: 
Oi  wuz  behint  at  the  Bui,  but  Oi  wuz  before  at 
the  Run,  Sor,"  said  Pat.* 

Burden.     He  sighed  for  the  burden,  now  let  him 

carry  it. 

A  man  without  a  burden  is  a  burden  to  himself. 
You  need  a  burden  for  ballast. 
A  ship  without  ballast  is  apt  to  "turn  turtle." 
The  heaviest  burden  most  men  carry  is  their  own 

folly. 
We  can  carry  other  people's  burdens   better  than 

our  own. 
You  will  never  complain  of  your  burden  if   you 

like  it. 
Pad   your   shoulders    with    patience   and   you    will 

carry  your  burden  easier. 
Show  me  the  boy  that  shirks  his  burden  and  I  will 

show  you  a  failure. 
'Tain't    fair   tu   pile   a   cord   uf    wood   on   a   pore 

donkey,  like  the  "Greasers,"  an'  then  hev  an  ass 

climb  on  top  uf  it. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  35 


Burglar.  Every  artisan  to  his  trade,  said  the  bur- 
glar. 

The  beggar  may  laugh  at  a  burglar. 

The  man  who  leaves  his  safe  open  is  an  accomplice 
of  the  burglar. 

Keep  your  money  in  the  bank  and  the  burglar  won't 
burgle  it. 

He  blew  the  safe  open  an'  found  nuthin'.  He 
repented  an'  prayed  a  pra'r  ful  uf  "damits"  an' 
donnerwetter. — Bronco  Bill. 

Burn.    It  is  better  to  turn  than  to  burn. 
If  you  haven't  any  wood  to  burn,  burn  chips. 
If  you  put  your  finger  in  the  fire,  don't  complain 

of  the  burn. 
We  don't  burn  heretics  no  more ;  we  skin  'em,  an' 

tan  ther  hides. — Bronco  Bill. 

Bush.    He  beats  the  bush  to  frighten  a  bogy. 
Some  men  are  eternally  beating  the  bush  after  the 

bird  has  "flied  away." 
Money  grows  on  bushes — in  "Green"-land. 

Business.     Know  your   own   business,   and   attend 

to  it. 

The  golden  rule  of  business  is  quid  pro  quo. 
Your  business  won't  run  itself  and  pay  a  profit. 
Be  busy  in  your  business. 
Let  your  principal  business  be  to  mind  your  own 

business. 
When  everyone  minds  his  own  business,  business  is 

good. 

Mind  your  own  business  and  others  will  mind  you. 
Men  make  business  and  business  makes  men. 
Don't  poke  your  nose  into  other  people's  business: 

poke  it  into  your  own. 


36  LACONICS 


He  minds  everybody's  business  but  his  own. 

He  who  minds  other  people's  business  neglects  his 

own. 
He  hez  got  more  business  thun  he  kin  handle:  most 

uf  it  is  other  people's  business. — Bronco  Bill. 

Busy.     He  is  so  busy  he  has  no  time  to  do  any- 
thing. 
Busy — busy  all  day  long — doing  nothing. 

But— butt.     Don't  butt  in  with  your  "buts." 
Cut  out  your  "buts"  and  butt  into  it. 
He  would  have  caught  the  hare,  but  he  stumbled 

over  a  "but." 

Don't  butt  your  head  against  a  stone  wall. 
He  fights  like  a  skunk — butt-end  first. 

Butterfly.     She  looks  like  a  buttered  butterfly. 
Butterflies  air  jist  wums  thet  hev  sprouted  wings. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Buying.    Don't  buy  a  stray  pig  in  the  brush. 
Don't  buy  what  you  don't  need — it  is  dear  at  any 
price. 

Buzzard.     Follow  the  buzzards  and  you  will  find 
the  carrion. 

By-way.    He  is  on  the  by-way  to  ruin. 


Cackle.     She  cackles  before  she  lays  her  egg. 
She  is  always  cackling  and  never  lays  an  egg. 
It  is  a  sorry  coop  where  the  hen  crows  and  the 
cock  cackles. 


LACONICS  37 


Ye  think  the  rustic  cackle  of  your  bourg 
The  murmur  of  the  world. — Tennyson. 

Caesar. — One  Caesar  lives,  a  thousand  are  forgot. 

— Young 

Imperial  Caesar,  dead  and  turned  to  clay, 
Might  stop  a  hole  to  keep  the  wind  away. 

— Shakespeare. 

Calf.    Veal  should  be  cheap ;  calves  are  plenty. 
He  worships  the  golden  calf — himself. 
He  bellows  like  a  bull-calf  at  the  butcher-block. 
She  wars  a  skirt  split  tu  her  hip  tu  show  the  calf 
in  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Calm.     Better  a  tempest  now  and  then  than  con- 
tinual calm. 

Better  a  little  breeze  than  a  dead  calm. 

He  is  a  good  pilot  in  a  calm  sea. 

In  prosperity,  calm;  in  adversity,  calm. 

Calmness  is  great  advantage:  he  that  lets 

An  other  chafe  may  warm  him  at  his  fire. 

— George  Herbert. 

A  good  pilot  in  a  storm  may  carelessly  wreck  his 
craft  in  a  calm. 

Calumny.     He  that  escapes  the  tongue  of  calumny 
May  count  himself  an  angel  or  a  naught. — Poetry. 

Be  thou  as  chaste  as  ice,  as  pure  as  snow, 
Thou  shalt  not  escape  calumny. — Shakespeare. 
To  persevere  in  one's  duty  and  be   silent,   is   the 

best  answer  to  calumny. — Geo.  Washington. 
Calumny  is  a  wasp-nest;  don't  punch  it. 

Camp— camp-meeting.     It's   a   cold   ride   tu   camp, 
Jim,  when  the  jug's  run  dry. — Bronco  Bill. 


38  LACONICS 


They  orter  hold  culled  camp-meetin's  in  the  winter 
tu  warm  up  the  weather. — Bronco  Bill. 

Candor.     Candor  gives  wings  to  truth. 
Cannon.    He  fires  a  cannon  at  a  fly. 

Can't.     He  is  afflicted  with  the  If's,  the  But's  and 
the  Can'ts. 

Cant.     Them  ole  witch-hangers  war  ful  uf  cant  an' 
canticles. — Bronco  Bill. 

Care.    Don't  cultivate  care ;  it  will  grow  without  it. 
Hang  sorrow ;  care'll  kill  a  cat. — Ben  Jonson. 

Then  top  and  main-top   crowd  the   sail; 

Heave  Care  owre  side, 
And   large   before   enjoyment's   gale 

Let's  tak  the  tide. — Burns. 

Careful.     Be   careful   when   you   tread   on   another 

man's  toes. 

Be  kearful  when  yer  kick  the  hind-eend  uf  a  mool. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Careless.     He  who  is  careless  in  small  things  will 

fail  in  great  ones. 

The  careless  man  spends  half  his  time  in  hunting 
for  things  mislaid. 

Cask.     Every  cask  has  a  bung-hole. 

Tap  his  cask  and  let  the  froth  out. 

A  rusty  cask  may  contain  good  wine. 

They  are  fast  turning  the  wine-casks  into  water- 
wagons. 

You  may  fill  the  cask  at  the  bung-hole  and  let  it 
leak  out  at  the  spigot. 

Let  every  cask  stand  on  its  own  staves. 


LACONICS  39 


Castle.     He  that  builds  castles  in  the  air  will  sel- 
dom build  one  on  land. 
A  man's  house  is  his  castle  if  it's  only  a  wigwam. 

Cat.    Don't  mew  pussy  cat  to  me. 
Beware  of  a  black  cat  and  a  grey-eyed  woman. 
Better   live   with   a   yawling   cat   than   a   brawling 

woman. 
Bewar    uf    women    with    cat-eyes    an'    pussy-cat 

tongues. — Bronco  Bill. 

Caught.     He  set  a  trap  for  his  adversary  and  put 

his  own  foot  in  it. 

"Oi've  cotched  a  Tartar,"  yelled  Pat  from  the 
picket-line.  "Bring  him  in,"  replied  his  captain. 
"Oi  can't,"  said  Pat.  "Then  come  in  yourself, 
Pat."  But  the  dom  hathen  won't  let  me,"  said 
Pat.  This  is  the  origin  of  "Caught  a  Tartar." 

Cause.     In  a  bad  cause  it  is  better  to  lose  than  to 

win. 

Every  effect  is  due  to  an  unbroken  chain  of  causes. 

— Robert  G.  Ingersoll. 

Caution.  Caution  may  be  carried  to  timidity. 
An  over-cautious  general  seldom  wins  a  battle. 
Caution  is  good  if  you  don't  take  too  big  a  dose 

of  it. 

Be   a   leetle   cautious   when   yer   kick   a   ole   mool. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Centenarian.     A    100th    mile-post   on   the   road   to 
Wisdom. 

Chaff.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the 

bread. 

Don't  spend  your  time  looking  for  a  grain  of  wheat 
in  a  stack  of  chaff. 


40  LACONICS 


Out  of  a  bushel  of  chaff  one  little  grain  of  wheat ! 
The  popular  breeze  catches  the  chaff. 
Chaff  me  no  chaff:  I  am  hungry  for  bread. 
A  pint  of  wheat  will  feed  more  hens  than  ten  sacks 
of  chaff. 

Chance.     He  who  invests  in  a  lottery  takes  a  slim 

chance  for  his  money. 
In  the  scheme  of  Nature  there  is  no  chance   for 

chance 

Chance  favors  the  prudent. 
In  the  sea  of  chance  one  fishes  for  cod  and  catches 

a  herring;  another  fishes  for  herring  and  catches 

a   devil-fish ;   another   fishes    for   suckers   and   is 

caught  on  his  own  hook. 
Don't  take  a  little  chance  without  a  big  chance. 

Chancery.     Chancery  is  the  court  of  chance. 
He  is  taking  a  chance  in  chancery. 
Don't  take  a  chance  in  chancery  if  you  can  help 

it ;  it  costs  fifty  dollars  to  get  in,  and  all  you  have 

to  get  out. 

Change.  Change  is  the  order  of  the  universe. 
The  voices  of  the  hoar  and  hurrying  years 
Cry  from  the  silence  —  "Change!  —  perpetual 

Change." 

The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 
Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self-same  tune 
Forever. — Change. 
Dust  of  the  desert  are  thy  walls 
And  temple  towers,  O  Babylon! 
O'er  crumbled  halls  the  lizard  crawls, 
And  serpents  bask  in  blaze  of  sun. — Fame. 
Look  abroad  through  Nature's  range, 
Nature's  mighty  law  is  change. — Burns. 


LACONICS  41 


Change  lays  not  her  hand  upon  truth. — Swinburne. 
Nothing  was   born,    Nothing   will   die;   All   things 

will  change. — Tennyson. 
"Can  the  Ethiopian  change  his  skin?" 
Bet  your  small  change  and  hold  onto  the  eagle. 
Change  is  a  good  thing  in  your  pocket. 
The  main  difference  between  an  "old  fogy"  and  a 

mule  is  this — the  mule  can  change  his  mind,  but 

the  "old  fogy"  can't. 
A  sudden  change  of  climate  is  good  for  a  defaulter. 

Character.  Every  good  character  has  four  corner- 
stones :  Truth,  Charity,  Self-denial,  Fortitude. 

We  build  our  own  characters.  From  the  same  ma- 
terials one  man  builds  a  palace,  another  a  prison. 

Our  reputation  is  what  people  say  of  us,  our 
character  is  what  we  are. 

If  character  be  rooted  in  truth,  the  flower  and  fruit 
thereof  will  be  beautiful. 

Character  may  make  a  reputation,  but  reputation 
don't  make  a  character. 

To  have  a  right  estimate  of  a  man's  character,  you 
must  see  him  in  adversity. — Napoleon. 

Charity.     Let  your  charity  begin  with  your  wife. 
Our  Christian  charity  has  broadened  into  crime. 
The   ultimate   result  of  modern   Christian   Charity 

continued  will  be  to  fill  the  world  with  weaklings, 

lunatics  and  criminals. 
"God  help  you"  is  cheap  charity. 
Most  men  are  charitable — to  themselves. 
It  is  a  sin  against  charity  to  give  to  every  beggar. 
Have  a  little  charity  for  the  sane,  the  industrious 

and  the  frugal. 


42  LACONICS 


Let   charity   begin   with   yerself ;   you   need   it   the 

wust. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  skims  his  milk  fer  cream,  makes  cheese  outer 

the  milk,  an'  gives  the  whey  tu  the  pore. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Charity  for  the  criminal  encourages  crime. 

Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee, 
Forgive  and  be  forgiven; 
For  charity  is  the  golden  key 
That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. 

The  only  word  written  by  Jesus 

Was  Charity — writ  in  the  sand. — Charity. 

Then  gently  scan  your  brother  man, 
Still  gentler  sister  woman. 

Though  they  may  gang  a-kennin  wrang 
To  step  aside  is  human. — Burns. 

His  charity  begun  with  himself  an'  allus  staid  thar. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Chase.    He  chases  three  hares  at  once — all  running 
in  different  directions. 

He  chased  a  phantom  all  his  life  and  never  caught 
it  till  the  Devil  caught  him. 

Chase  the  Devil  around  a  stump  and  he  will  catch 
you  by  your  coat-tail. 

In  Yankee-doodle-dom  the  "dear  peepul"  air  allus 
chasin'  suthin' — a  circus  er  a  dimagogue  with  a 
big  mouth  an'  a  brass  band.  Under  Republikin 
rule  they  chase  the  eagle  on  "the  almighty  dol- 
lar," an'  when  the  Dimecrats  git  in  they  chase 
ground  hogs  fer  suthin'  tu  eat. — Bronco  Bill. 

Chatter.    She  chatters  like  a  bluejay  on  a  corn-crib. 
I  had  rather  listen  to  a  chatterer  than  a  flatterer. 
Chatter-boxes  hold  nothing  but  noise. 


LACONICS  43 


Cheap.    What  seems  cheap  may  prove  dear. 
Nothing  is  cheap  that  you  do  not  need. 
A  bargain-counter  is  a  pick-pocket. 
Most  women  would  buy  butterflies  and  go  hungry 

if  somebody  said  they  were  cheap. 
Cheap  is  a  great  cheat. 
Cheap  is  a  dear  shop  to  trade  in. 
The  cheapest  way  tu  git  rid  uf  yer  pore  relashin  is 

tu  turn  'em  over  tu  God's  mercy. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cheerfulness.     'Tain't  easy  to  be  cherful  with  the 
toothache. — Bronco  Bill. 
Cheerfulness  is  the  child  of  good  health  and  good 

heart. 
He's  as  cheerful  as  a  corpse. 

Chicago.  Tumble  changable  weather  in  Chicago. 
I  'spose  thet's  why  the  Chicago  gals  air  sweet- 
hearts today  an'  sour-crops  tomorrer. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Chickens.      Stray   chickens   come   home    with    few 

feathers. 

He  counts  his  chickens  as  soon  as  the  hen  cackles. 
Mrs.  Meloney's  spring-chicken  was  a  goose. 
She  is  just  featherin'  out,  but  she  cackles  like  an 

old  hen. 
"I'm  no  spring-chicken,"  said  the  "grass-wider." 

Child — children.    The  child  is  pleased  with  a  rattle, 

and  so  is  the  man. 
Little   children — little   babies ; 
Men  are  only  bigger  babies. 
Sweet  is  the  lute  to  him  who  hath  not  heard 
The  prattle  of  his  children  at  his  knees. — Men. 
How  sharper  than  a  serpent's  tooth  it  is 
To  have  a  thankless  child. — Shakespeare. 


44  LACONICS 


Suffer  the  little  children  to  come  unto  me. — Jesus. 
Why  not  be  as  careful  of  the  breed  of  children  as 
of  the  breed  of  dogs? 

Jack-rabbits  breed  in  litters,  Bob, 

An'  the  Niggers  an'  Chinee, 

An'  the  lazy,  lousy  "Greasers,"  Bob, 

An',  by  Gosh,  why  shudn't  we ! — Bronco  Bill. 

Children  milk  ther  mothers  when  they're  babies,  an' 
when  they  git  old  enuff  they  milk  the  "ole  man." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Children  sweeten  labours;  but  they  make  misfor- 
tunes more  bitter. — Bacon. 

Christianity — Christian.  In  some  things  the  teach- 
ings of  Christianity  conflict  with  the  laws  of 
Nature : 

Christianity  would  save  the  imbecile,  the  idiot, 
the  hopelessly  insane  and  the  criminal.  Nature 
decrees  the  survival  of  the  fittest. 

The  doctrines  of  Jesus  cannot  repeal  or  amend  the 
laws  of  Nature. 

The  ultimate  result  of  modern  Christian  Charity 
continued  will  be  to  fill  the  world  with  weak- 
lings, lunatics  and  criminals. 

His  Christianity  was  muscular. — Disraeli. 

Christians  have  burnt  each  other,  quite  persuaded 

That  all  the  Apostles  would  have  done  as  they  did. 

— Byron. 

Church.    The  modern  church  is  a  good  social  club. 
Here  some  are  thinkin'  on  their  sins, 
And  some  upo'  their  claes. — Burns. 
We  build  churches  to  honor  ourselves. 
The  choir  sing  psalms  to  praise  themselves. 
Most  preachers  preach  for  themselves. 


LACONICS  45 


A  great  preacher  is  a  great  teacher. 

Jesus  was  a  great  teacher,  so  was  Confucius. 

Whenever  God  erects  a  house  of  prayer, 
The  Devil  always  builds  a  chapel  there; 
And  'twill  be  found,  upon  examination, 
The  latter  has  the  largest  congregation. 

— De  Foe. 

Circle.     Eternity  is  a  circle  without  circumference. 
The  universe  is  a  circle  without  diameter  or  cir- 
cumference. 
He  talks  in  a  circle  and  never  reaches  the  end. 

Circumstances.     Napoleon  made  circumstances? 
Circumstances  made  and  unmade  Napoleon. 
Men  think  to  mend  their  condition  by  change  of 

circumstances.    They  might  as  well  hope  to  escape 

their  shadows. — Fronde. 
Man  is  not  the  creature  of  circumstances, 
Circumstances  are  the  creatures  of  men. — Disraeli. 
Men  are  the  sport  of  circumstances,  when 
The  circumstances  seem  the  sport  of  men. — Byron. 
Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims, 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance. — Men. 
"I'm  broke,  pard :  I'm  the  victim  uf  circumstances." 

"But  yer  made  'em  yerself,  Jo." — Bronco  Bill. 

City.     In  the  city  we  long  for  the  country;  in  the 

country  we  pine  for  the  city. 
The  devil  is  in  the  country;  more's  the  pity, 
For  the  devil's  surely  in  the  city. 
Cain — the  slayer  of  his  brother — built  the  first  city. 
Great  cities  are  hot-beds  of  crime  and  corruption. 
Great  cities  are  full  of  little  men. 


46  LACONICS 


The  country  feeds  the  city — with  "garden-sass"  and 
greenhorns. 

Civility.     Nothing  costs  less  and  pays  better  than 

civility. 
Civility  costs  nothing  and  buys  much. 

Civilization.     What  is  civilization?    A  coat  of  var- 
nish on  the  hide  of  the  brute. 

Climax.     He  deals  in  superlatives  and  always  caps 

the  climax. 
In  all  things  truth  is  the  climax. 

Climb.     You    must   climb   as   you   crept — on   your 

hands  and  knees. 

The  higher  he  climbs  the  further  he  has  to  fall. 
Who  never  climbs  never  falls. 
The  higher  he  climbs  the  plainer  yer  kin  see  the 

biggest  part  uf  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 

Clinch.     He  clinches  his  argument  with  his  fist. 

Cloak.     If  you  would  see  men    as    they    are,    look 

under  their  cloaks. 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 
Hypocrisy  always  wears  a  cloak. 
We  patch  the  cloak  of  truth  with  many  a  lie. 
Yer  most  allus  find  a  bad  man  under  a  fine  cloak. 

— Bronco  Bill 

Clothes.    An'  ez  fer  clo'es,  Mynherr,  he  chose 
A  cow-skin  fer  his  "kleid,"  Bob ; 
The  women  wore  knee-petticoats, 
An'  bare  skin  underside,  Bob. — Bronco  Bill. 
A  tailor  can  make  a  coat,  but  only  God  can  make 
a  man  to  wear  it. 


LACONICS  47 


Thar  goes  a  suit  uf  clo'es  struttin'  down  the  street. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Clouds.  There  will  be  some  cloudy  days.  Don't 
worry. 

If  there  were  no  clouds  we  would  tire  of  the  sun- 
shine. 

Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  often  under  a  cloud. 

Coach.    In  a  coach  at  twenty ;  on  foot  at  forty. 
Coals.     Don't  waste  your  wind  blowing  cold  coals. 

Coat.     Have  your  coat  cut  according  to  your  pants. 
If  your  tongue  is  sour  coat  it  with  honey. 

Look  out  for  vice  in  a  swallow-tail  coat. 
He  wore  a  swaller-tail  coat  an'  tew  patches  under 
it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cobbler.    He  gave  his  awl,  'twas  all  he  had  to  give 
Better  be  a  good  cobbler  than  a  poor  lawyer. 

Cock — cock-sure.    It  is  a  poor  coop  where  the  cock 

cackles  and  the  hen  crows. 

He  is  one  of  those  cock-sure  fellows  whose  cock- 
lofts want  tenants. 

Cocoanut.    That  lawyer  has  no  Coke  in  his  cocoa- 
nut. 
There  is  no  milk  in  your  cocoanut. 

Coffin.    M.  Caillaux  stands  on  a  coffin  and  makes  a 
pedestal  of  it. — Henri  Bernstein,  (at  the  trial  of 
Mme   Caillaux   for  the  murder  of  Gaston   Cal- 
mette). 
He's  coffin'  himself  intu  a  coffin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cold.     Cold  as  ice — cruel  as  a  tigress. 


48  LACONICS 


You  have  caught  a  cold,  Sambo.  No,  sah;  de  cold 
cotch  me. 

Cold  water.    A  scalded  cur  is  afraid  of  cold  water. 

College.    'Tain't  no  use  tu  send  a  brayin'  ass 
Tu  any  cullege-school, 

Per  the  less  he  knows  the  more  he  knows, 
Like  any  ether  fool. — Bronco  Bill. 

When  the  "Kid"  came  home  from  College  he  fired 
Latin  at  the  flock,  and  forte  dux  fel  flat  in  guttur. 

Abraham  Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log- 
cabin. 

I  wonder  whar  all  them  cullege-bred  fellers  thet 
air  ridin'  brake-beams  an'  sleepin'  in  hay-stacks 
cum  frum. — Bronco  Bill. 

Them  bong  tong  culleges  air  turnin'  out  a  lot  uf 
sports  an'  molly-cuddles. 

Thet  "whoop"  went  thro'  cullege :  he  entered  Yale  at 
the  front  door  on  Monday,  an'  they  kicked  'im  out 
uf  the  back  door  on  Tuesday. — Bronco  Bill. 

Colt.    He  prances  like  a  colt  in  clover. 
Every  old  hoss  was  a  colt  once. 
Let  the  colt  prance — he'll    feel    the    straps    soon 

enough. 
Thet  colt  was  born  an  "old  hoss." — Bronco  Bill. 

Combine.  Thar  ain't  no  show  fer  a  pore  mortal  no 
more:  the  doctors,  the  druggists,  the  surgeons 
an'  the  undertakers  hev  all  combined,  an'  the 
preachers  hev  applied  tu  git  intu  the  "Trust." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Combustion.  He  is  in  a  chronic  state  of  spontane- 
ous combustion. 


LACONICS  49 


Command.     Keep  cool  and  command. 
He  who  commands  himself  will  command  others. 
I  always  commanded  myself. — Napoleon. 

Common  law.     Common  law  is  based  on  common- 
sense. 

Common  sense.    The  most  uncommon  thing  is  com- 
mon-sense. 

Common-sense  is  wisdom. 

Fill  the  basement    with    common-sense,    and    the 
upper  floors  with  learning. 

Communism.     Civilization    is    founded    upon    the 

right  of  the   individual   to   acquire  and   enjoy 

property. 

Communism  would  send  us  back  to  barbarism. 
Communism    prevails    in    the    lowest    barbarism — 

among  the  natives  of  the  Cannibal  Islands  and 

the  Hottentots  of  Africa. 
Communists  demand  the  equal  division  of  unequal 

earnings. 
Communism  is   Socialism,  and  Socialism  leads  to 

Anarchy. 
Socialism  would  destroy  the  right  of  property,  the 

family  relations  and  the  aspirations  of  men. 
Socialism  would  pull  down  the  highest   to  the  level 

of  the  lowest. 
Men  are  not  created  equal  any  more  than  the  beasts 

of  the  field  or  the  trees  of  the  forest. 
The  survival  of  the  fittest  is  the  law  of  Nature. 
Communism  destroys  ambition  and  without  ambi- 
tion man  becomes  a  brute. 
Communism  would  make  the  minority  slaves  of  the 

majority. 


50  LACONICS 


Company.    The  man  who  is  tired  of  himself  seeks 

worse  company. 

Better  alone  than  in  bad  company. 
Suit  your  conversation  to  your  company. 
A  good  book  is  good  company. 
Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from  the 
company  they  keep. 

Compensation.     If  the  poor  man  sometimes  lacks  a 

dinner,   the   rich   man    often    lacks   a   stomach 

for  it. 
If  you  are  proud  of  your  acquirements,  look  up  to 

those  above  you;  if  dissatisfied  with  your  lot,  look 

down  on  those  below  you. 
Nature  compensates ;  she  gives  every  man  his  due. 

Complaint.    When  we  stop  to  complain  fortune  for- 
sakes us. 
Complaint  cures  nothing. 

Conceal.    He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of 

flattery. 

The  revealed  is  concealed  and  the  concealed  is  re- 
vealed. 

Conceit.    The  more  one  boasts  of  himself,  the  less 

others  boast  of  him. 
Self-conceit  is  a  cheat;  it  cheats  itself. 
Self-conceit  is  first  cousin  to  a  fool. 
Self-conceit  is  nursed  in  small  brains. 

Concentrate.     Concentrate  on  one  thing  at  a  time. 
Concentration  is  power. 

Condemn.     The  vicious  are  swift  to  condemn  the 

faults  of  others. 
Hear  before  you  condemn. 


LACONICS  51 


Every  tale  an'  true  his-story 

Allus  hez  tew  sides  ontu  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Confessor.     We  like  to  be  confessor  to  others,  but 
not  to  ourselves. 

Confession.     He  is  a  wise  man  who  confesses  to 
himself  and  makes  amends. 

Confident.     It  is  well  to  be  confident,  best  to  be 
sure. 

Conflict.     There  is  an   "irrepressible  conflict"    be- 
tween science  and  superstition. 
Don't  let  your  will  conflict  with  your  duty. 

Conjecture.    Feed  me  not  on  conjecture;  give  me  a 
spoonful  of  fact. 

Conquer — conqueror.    If  your  enemy  is  noble,  con- 
quer by  kindness ;  if  brutal,  by  force. 
The  wise  conqueror  shields  the  conquered. 
To  conquer  the  conquered  is  a  coward's  victory. 
He  is  a  strong  man  who  conquers  himself. 

Conscience.     Conscience  is  a  constant  witness,  but 

rarely  comes  into  court. 
Most  men  fit  their  conscience  to  their  acts. 
He  should  send  his  conscience  to  the  laundry. 
Thus  conscience  doth  make  cowards  of  us  all. 

— Shakespeare. 
Consent.     Silence  gives  consent. 

Consistency.     It   is  better   to   be   right  than   con- 
sistent. 
He  was  born  an  ass,  and  continues  consistent. 

Conspicuous.     I  niver  like  tu  make  myself  conspic- 
erous,  aspecially  in  a  Injun  fight. — Bronco  Bill. 


52  LACONICS 


Constancy.     Constancy  in  the  right  is  one  of  the 
cardinal  virtues. 

Content.    When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we 

are  content  with  our  neighbors. 
Ef  yer  ain't  content  with  biled  beans  an'  bacon,  yer 
wudn't  be  content  with  fried  fish  an'  "flapjacks." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Contentment.     Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant 

hills, 

While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 
O  man,  thy  wisdom  is  but  folly  still; 
Wiser  the  brute  and  full  of  sweet  content. — Men. 
Contentment  is  the  philosopher's  stone  that  turns  all 

it  touches  to  gold. 

Ah,  sweet  content,  the  blessing  of  the  blest, 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table,  east  or  west, 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 
Contentment  is  the  wisdom  of  the  wise. 

Contrast.    We  judge  by  contrast :  all  things  go  by 
pairs. 

Convention.     They   allus   open   a   Dimecrat   conven- 
tion with  a  corkscrew. — Bronco  Bill. 

Conversation.    Say  the  right  thing  at  the  right  time. 
If  you  would  be  a  good  conversationalist,  be  a  good 

listener. 
Suit  your  conversation  to  your  company. 

Conversion.     Sudden  conversions  are  shams. 

Cooks.    God  sends  meat  and  the  devil  sends  cooks. 

— John  Taylor. 


LACONICS  53 


Coquette.     A  coquette  is  a  woman  without  heart 
who  makes  fools  of  men  without  brains. 

Cork.     He  wuz  frum  Cork,  an'  we  cudn't  cork  'im 
up. — Bronco  Bill. 

Corn.    Where  weeds  grow  corn  will  grow. 

The  farmer  grows  corn  on  his  field ;  the  dude  grows 
corn  on  his  toe. 

"How's  the  corn-crop  ?"  asked  Bronco  Bill  of  a  corn- 
doctor. 

Corporation.  It  is  idle  to  declaim  against  great 
corporations.  Civilization  and  the  welfare  of 
man  demand  them.  They  have  come  to  stay. 
The  state  is  a  great  corporation;  we  are  all  stock- 
holders in  it;  but  we  better  "look  a  little  out" 
or  the  directors  will  get  away  with  the  divi- 
dends. 

Counsel — counsellor.    Take  counsel  of  the  night. 
If  you  counsel  others,  follow  it  yourself. 
Fear  is  a  bad  counsellor. 
Don't  give  counsel  to  a  fool — he  knows  more  than 

you  do. 
Take  good  counsel  and  keep  it. 

Count.     Counts  don't  count  in  America. 
Counts  are  of  little  account,  and  most  of  the  barons 

are  barren. 

When  you  are  angry  count  sixty  and  hold  your 
tongue. 

Country.     The  large  city  is  the  maelstrom  of  vice 

into  which  the  country  pours  its  youth. 
The  country  feeds  the  city — with  "garden-sass"  and 
greenhorns. 


54  LACONICS 


My  religion  is  to  do  good ;  my  country  is  the  world. 

— Thomas  Paine. 

The  pollyticians  air  allus  tryin'  tu  save  the  country 
by  promotin'  therselves. — Bronco  Bill. 

Courage.    The  brave  man  is  never  a  blusterer. 
Men  admire  courage  and  despise  a  coward. 
Courage  and  caution  win  the  battle. 
Courage  is  a  better  man  with  his  fist  than  a  coward 

with  a  cudgel. 

Fortify  courage  with  patience. 
The  courage  of  the  brave  grows  in  adversity. 
Blind  courage  is  dangerous. 
I  dare  do  all  that  may  become  a  man ; 
Who  dares  do  more  is  none. — Shakespeare. 

Courtesy.    The  greater  man,  the  greater  courtesy. 

— Tennyson. 
Courts  of  Justice.    I  know  a  little  squint-eyed  judge 

just  big  enough  to  wiggle  on  the  bench. 
How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss ! 
The  brass-band  demagogue  advises  "the  dear  people" 
to  appeal  from  the  courts  to  the  mob. 

Cousin.    A  poor  man  has  few  cousins. 
I  niver  wanted  tu  git  rich,  Jo,  fer 
I'd  hev  tu  many  cuzzens. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cover.    Truth  drives  the  liar  under  cover. 
When  it  rains  split  shakes  are  better  than  no  cover. 

Coward.     None  but  a  coward  kicks  a  man  that  is 

down. 

To  conquer  the  conquered  is  a  coward's  victory. 
Fate  likes  to  stab  a  coward  in  the  back. 
A  tyrant  is  always  a  coward. 


LACONICS  55 


A  coward  has  the  courage  of  a  rat:  a  rat  will  fight 

when  cornered. 
Fortune  hates  a  coward. 
Cowards  invite  defeat,  the  brave  command  victory. 

Cow-girl.  She  wants  tu  jine  us,  an'  be  a  cow-gal? 
She's  a  suffragette  frum  Chicago?  Yer  never 
kin  tell  whut  a  Chicago  gal  kin  du  till  yer  try 
'er.  Let  'er  straddle  ole  buckin'  Black-foot  bare- 
back. Ef  she  kin  stay  on  ten  minits,  I'll  take 
'er  in  an'  give  'er  a  lariat  an'  a  par  uf  "Colts." 
Let's  try  'er,  Jo;  yer  never  kin  tell  whut  a 
Chicago  gal  kin  du,  er  will  du,  till  yer  try  'er. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Crab— crab-tree.     The  timid  man  walks  backward 

like  a  crab. 

The  crab-tree  may  bear  pippins  if  well  grafted. 
He  allus  wore  a  crab-apple  face  on  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 

Craft.     Craft  and  cruelty  are  twins. 
Craft  often  puts  his  own  foot  in  it. 

Crank.  Full  of  isms  and  schisms,  he  has  humors 
in  his  blood  and  tumors  in  his  brain. 

The  best  place  fer  a  crank  is  hitched  ontu  a  grind- 
stone.— Bronco  Bill. 

Wai,  the  machinery  uf  our  government  hez  now  got 
tu  many  "cranks"  ontu  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Creation.  In  the  perfect  circle  of  creation  not  an 
atom  is  lost. 

Credulity — credulous.     Credulity  is  as  natural  to  a 

fool  as  milk  to  a  calf. 
Promises  are  pitfalls  to  the  credulous. 


56  LACONICS 


Creed.     I  believe  in  the  creed  of  Nature. 
Men  make  the  creeds,  but  God  ordains  the  law. 
Aye,  all  the  creeds  of  politics  or  priests 
Can't  make  one  error  truth,  one  truth  a  lie. 

Above  all  cant,  all  arguments  of  men, 
Above  all  superstitions,  old  or  new, 
Above  all  creeds  of  every  age  and  clime, 
Stands  the  eternal  Truth — the  creed  of  creeds. 

— Men. 

From  the  death  of  the  old  the  new  proceeds, 
And  the  life  of  truth  from  the  rot  of  creeds. 

— Whittier. 
Men  fit  their  creeds  to  their  interests. 

Creep.    Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
Cowards  creep — men  walk  upright. 
You  must  creep  till  you  can  walk. 

Crime.     Crime  begets  crime,  as  good  begets  good. 
Fear  is  the  constant  shadow  of  crime. 
For  the  same  crime  one  man  goes  to  the  gallows, 

another  to  a  throne. 
Vice  leads  to  crime,  yet  we  wink  at  vice  and  abhor 

crime. 

He  that  defends  a  crime  commits  a  crime. 
Punish  crime  to  protect  the  innocent. 

Criticism— critics.     He    who  looks  only    for    faults 

will  never  find  beauty  in  anything. 
It  is  much  easier  to  be  critical  than  to  be  correct. 

— B.  Disraeli. 

A  man  must  serve  his  time  to  every  trade, 
Save  censure — critics  all  are  ready-made. — Byron. 


LACONICS  57 


Critics! — appalled  I  venture  on  the  name, 
Those  cut-throat  bandits  in  the  paths  of  fame ! 

— Burns. 
A  critic :  nay,  a  night-watch  constable. 

— Shakespeare 

Critics  are  cleaners  of  other  men's  clothes. 
Critics  are  divided  into  bees  and  spiders :  where  the 

bee  finds  honey,  the  spider  gathers  venom. 
Fair  criticism  is  like  a  fanning  mill  that  separates  the 

wheat  from  the  chaff. 

Average  literary  criticism  is  like  stale  beer. 
Every  slop-wash  on  a  newspaper  considers  himself 

a  critic. 

A  critic  is  a  literary  detective. 
"You  know  who  the  critics  are?    The  men  who  have 

failed  in  literature  and  art." — Benjamin  Disraeli. 

Crisis.    "What  will  we  fire  at?"  asked  the  sergeant. 
"Didn't  you  har  Cunnel  say  that  the  Crisis  hez  cum  ? 

Fire  at  the  Crisis !"    Capt.  Bragg  at  the  battle  of 

Buena  Vista. — Bronco  Bill. 
"Hev  we  come  tu  the  cry,  Sis?"  said  the  cow-boy 

to  his  half-breed  sweetheart. 

Cross.     He's  hankerin'  for  a  "Cross  of  Gold"  and 
would  wear  a  "Crown  of  Thorns"  to  get  it. 

Crow.     The  bantam  ruster  does  the  most  crowin'. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Every  old  crow  thinks  her  chicks  are  the  whitest. 
Crowd.    If  you  are  in  the  crowd,  crowd  ahead. 
Don't  wear  corns  in  a  crowd. 

A  crowd  is  not  company,  and  faces  are  but  a  gallery 
of  pictures. — Bacon. 

Cruelty.    Cruelty  is  born  of  cowardice. 


58  LACONICS 


He  who  is  cruel  to  dumb  brutes  is  himself  a  brute. 

The  cruelty  of  Nature  is  kindness. 

Human  kindness  is  sometimes  cruelty. 

I  must  be  cruel  only  to  be  kind. — Shakespeare. 

Culture — cultivation.     Culture  is  to  the  man  what 
cultivation  and  pruning  are  to  the  vine. 

Cunning.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats 

the  bread. 

The  mindless  herd  are  but  the  cunning's  tools, 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
The  cunning  man  always  gets  cheated. 
Cunning  sets  a  trap  for  others,  and  puts  his  own 
foot  in  it. 

Cup.     He  quaffs  the  cup  of  bitterness  and  smiles. 
Yer  cain't  git  more'n  tew  drinks  out  uf  an  empty  cup. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Cur.    To  a  yelping  cur  a  bone  or  a  bat. 
A  scalded  cur  is  afraid  of  cold  water. 
Be  a  mastiff  if  you  will — a  cur — never. 
When  the  old  dog  barks  the  curs  begin  to  yelp. 
Thet  shyster  Kerr  didn't  spell  his  name  right:  he 

orter  spelt  it  C-u-r. — Bronco  Bill. 
It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 
But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cure.    Complaint  cures  nothing. 
There  is  no  cure  for  the  follies  of  youth  but  age. 
When  nature  cures  the  doctor  sends  in  his  bill. 
One  doctor  may  cure — three  kill. 


LACONICS  59 


The  milk  uf  human  kindness  is  a  cure   fer  most 
everythin'  but  the  mulligrubs  an'  "mugwumps." 

— Bronco  Bill, 

Curses.     Curses,  like  chickens,  come  home  to  roost. 
Yer  cain't  make  friends  by  cussin'  anybody  but  yer- 
self. — Bronco  Bill. 

Custom.    We  march  to  the  music  of  the  times. 
All  men  are  slaves ;  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  sordid  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
A   custom  more  honored   in  the   breach   than  the 

observance. — Shakespeare. 
When  tyrant  custom  had  not  shackled  men. 

— Thomson. 
Custom  reconciles  us  to  everything. 

— Edmund  Burke. 
Custom  rules  men ;  fashion,  women. 
Custom  is  a  tyrant. 

I  notice,  Jim,  thet  in  pollytics  an'  religin  it's  gittin' 
tu  be  the  custom  tu  cuss. — Bronco  Bill. 

Cycle.    All  things  move  in  cycles. 

Cypher.     In   the  column   of  units  most    men    are 

cyphers. 

It  takes  more  than  a  million  cyphers  to  make  one 
unit. 


Dainties.    Unbought  dainties  are  the  best. 
Dally.     Don't  dally  with  danger. 


60  LACONICS 


His  name  wuz  Dally,  but  he  didn't  dally  when  the 
dinner-bell  dung. — Bronco  Bill. 

Danger.    Meet  unavoidable  danger  half-way. 
Take  danger  by  the  horns. 
In  danger,  valor;  in  peace,  charity. 
Fear  danger  afar  off ;  when  it  approaches,  face  it. 
In  dodging  one  danger  don't  run  into  another. 
In  safety  beware  of  danger. 
When  the  danger  is  past  the  praying  is  over. 
Fear  doubles  the  danger. 
Don't  dally  with   danger. 
A  little  danger  looks  big  tu  a  little  man. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Dark.     Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. — The  Reign  of  Reason. 
If  you  are  in  the  dark,  hark. 

Day — to-day.     To-day    is    ours;    to-morrow? — to- 
morrow?— there  is  no  to-morrow. 
"I  have  lost  a  day,"  mourned  a  great  Roman : 
Most  of  us  lose  half  our  days. 
Every  day  in  your  life  is  worth  saving. 
He  spends  his  money  to-day  and  makes  it  to-morrow. 

Dead.     He  that  waits   for  dead   men's   shoes   will 

have  cold  feet. 

Don't  embalm  a  dead  jackass. 
Truth  is  due  to  the  living  and  the  dead. 
Pity  not  the  dead,  but  the  living. 
It  is  only  the  dead  that  never  come  back. — Napoleon. 
I  think  he  is  dead,  said  the  doctor;   I'll  cut  him 

open  and  find  out. 


LACONICS  61 


"Whin  Oi'm  dead,"  said  Mike,  "Oi  don't  want  te 

be  buried  alive."* 
Thet  long-hared  literary  "cuss"  is  peradin'  in  dead 

men's  clo'es. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dear.     He  paid  dear — very  dear  for  his  whistle. 

— Franklin. 
What  you  have  no  good  use  for  is  dear  at  any  price. 

Death.     We  know  not  what  life  is;  how  may  we 

know 

Death — what  it  is,  or  what  may  lie  beyond? 
And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below? 
Aye,  is  death  death? — or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light — on  angel  wings  to  range, 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Matter  to  matter,  mind  to  mind  returns. 

"One  of  the  few" — the  noble  few — 

That  never  ought   to   die. — From   a  letter   of   the 

Author  to  Mrs.  Baker  on  the  death  of  General 

James  H.  Baker,  1913. 

Death  passes  the  brave  and  catches  the  coward. 
This  king  of  terrors  is  the  prince  of  peace. 

— Young — Night  Thoughts. 
Death  joins  us  to  the  great  majority. — Young. 

Debt.     The  highest  price  you  pay  for  anything  is 

to  run  in  debt  for  it. 
You  can't  pay  your  debts  by  borrowing. 
If  you  are  in  debt  you  don't  need  an  alarm  clock. 
If  you  would  sleep  sound  keep  out  of  debt. 
Better  go  to  bed   without  your   supper   than   rise 

in  debt. 


62  LACONICS 


Keep  outer  debt  ef  yer  hev  tu  borry  the  money  tu 

da  it. — Bronco  BUI. 

Pay  your  debts  first  and  give  presents  afterwards. 
From  a  bad  debtor  take  what  you  can  get 
Keep  outer  debt  an'  keep  outer  jaiL — Bronco  BUI. 
Pay  the  debt  uf  Natur  ?      I  don't  owe  Natur  nothin' ; 

she  never  done  nothin'  f  er  me. — Bronco  BUI. 

Deceit.    I  had  rather  be  cheated  now  and  then,  than 

to  believe  all  men  rascals. 
He   who  begins   by   deceiving  others   will   end   in 

deceiving  himself. 
If  one  attempts  to  deceive  you  let  him  believe  you 

are  deceived. 

Who  deceives  others  deceives  himself. 
Deception  deals  in  generalities. 
Deceit  is  the  weapon  of  the  weak. 
Little  minds  deal  in  deceit 
It  is  easier  to  deceive  ourselves   than  to  deceive 

others. 

Decency.    Virtue  and  decency  are  close  kin. 

Deception.    We  deceive  ourselves  oftener  than  we 

deceive  others. 

If  you  deceive  others  you  will  deceive  yourself. 
Self-deception  is  a  pitfall  dug  by  yourself. 
O  what  a  tangled  web  we  weave. 
When  first  we  practice  to  deceive. — Scott. 

Decimals.    It  takes  more  than  a  million  decimals  to 
make  one  unit 

Decision.    The  man  who  does  not  learn  to  say  "No" 

will  be  a  Nobody. 

It  is  easier  to  say  "No"  than  to  say  "Yes"  and 
suffer  for  it 


LACONICS  63 


When  you  are  in  doubt  it  is  safe  to  refuse. 

Take  pride  in   saying  "No"  when  you  ought  to 

say  iL 

Don't  sit  a-straddle  the  fence — decide. 
In  a  doubtful  case  defer  decision. 

Deeds.    I  care  little  for  words:  show  me  his  deeds. 
One  good  deed  is  a  stepping-stone  to  another. 
What  we  have  done  makes  us  what  we  are. 
Great  deeds  are  the  stepping-stones  to  fame. 
Good  deeds  are  good  seeds. 
Let  your  deeds  praise  you,  your  tongue,  never. 
Words  are  cheap ;  deeds  are  dear. 
A  bad  deed  is  seed  sown  for  bad  weeds. 
Virtue  without  deed  is  gone  to  seed. 
Deeds  are  more  eloquent  than  words. 
One  evil  deed  opens  the  door  for  many. 
The  thorns  which  I  have  reaped  are  of  the  tree 
I  planted, — they  have  torn  me, — and  I  Meed. 

— Byron. 

A  man  is  the  heir  of  his  own  deeds. 
Fer  the  edyncashm  uf  posterity,  an*  his  self,  he  writ 
up  his  deeds,  ez  he  wanted  'em,  in  his  auto- 
biography. — Bronco  B3L 

Deep.    He  dived  deep  and  brought  up  mud. 
His  reasoning  is  so  deep  that  he  can't  fathom  it 

himself. 

Defeat.     In  every  great  cause   defeat   is    the    first 

step  on  the  road  to  victory. 
Grim  in  disaster,  bravest  in  defeat. — Pauline. 
To  a  brave  man  defeat  is  only  a  hah. 

Defects.     All  great  men  have  defects;  yon  have  a 
few  yourself. 


64  LACONICS 


Defense — defend— defender.     He   that   defends   his 

own  rights  defends  mine. 
Defend  what  you  have  fairly  won. 
"To  him  that  smiteth  thee  on  the  one  cheek  offer 
also  the  other," — if  he  smites  that,  smite  him. 

Delay.    To-morrow  is  the  first  day  in  the  fool's  cal- 
endar. 

While  you  delay  the  opportunity  slips. 
To  delay  is  to  forget. 
Delay  is  dangerous — with  a  pack  of  wolves  in  the 

rear. 

If  you  are  angry — delay. 
If  you  are  in  serious  doubt — delay. 
The  cat  caught  the  rat  by  delay. 

Deliberation.     Consider  deliberately;  act  promptly. 
Deliberate  promptly  when  occasion  is  urgent. 
He  was  always  deliberating  and  never  did  anything 

else. 
The  woman  that  deliberates  is  lost. — Addison. 

Deluge.     After  us  the  deluge.  —Mme  de  Pompadour. 
A  deluge  of  words  and  a  drop  of  sense. 

Delusion.     The  phantom  Delusion  flits  ever  before 

us  and  beckons  us  on. 
When  a  little  man  gets  a  delusion  he  hangs  to  it  like 

a  dog  to  a  bone. 
Fools  feed  on  delusions,  wise  men  on  facts. 

Demagogue.     In  a  republic  demagogues  spring  up 

like  toadstools. 
The  prime  object  of  the  demagogue  is  to  gain  the 

applause  of  the  mob ;  he  will  fit  his  conscience  to 

the  applause. 
The  demagogue  is  always  with  us. 


LACONICS  65 


Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd; 
With  brazen  faces  full  of  empty  noise 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 

Demand.     Yield  to  the  demand  of  your  own  con- 
science. 

He  demands  double  pay  for  being  honest. 
Every  hour  makes  a  demand  on  us. 

Democracy.     In  a  democracy,  as  in  a  caldron,  the 
scum  rises  to  the  top. 

In  all  history  Democracy  has  proved  a  tyrant. 

The  mob  is  a  many-headed  brute. 

Democracy  is  a  failure — the  masses  must  be  led 
and  controlled  by  strong  and  wise  leaders. 

A  perfect  democracy  is  the  most  shameless  thing 
in  the  world. — Edmund  Burke. 

It  is  as  natural  for  men  to  follow  a  leader  as  it  is 
for  sheep  to  follow  a  bell-wether. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

— Men. 

In  Yankee-doodle-dom  the  "dear  peepul"  air  allus 
chasin'  suthin' — a  circus  er  a  dimagogue  with  a 
big  mouth  an'  a  brass  band.  Under  Republikin 
rule  they  chase  the  eagle  on  "the  almighty  dollar," 
an'  when  the  Dimecrats  git  in  they  chase  ground- 
hogs fer  suthin'  tu  eat. — Bronco  Bill. 

Descent.     The  gardener  Adam  and  his  wife 
Smile  at  the  claims  of  long  descent. — Tennyson. 

Desert.     Even  in  the  desert  of  Sahara  there  are 

wells  and  garden-spots. 
There  is  water  in  "Death  Valley"  if  you  dig  for  it. 


66  LACONICS 


Dust  of  the  desert  are  thy  walls 

And  temple-towers,  O  Babylon; 
O'er  crumbled  halls  the  lizard  crawls 

And  serpents  bask  in  blaze  of  sun. — Fame. 
Use  every  man  after  his  desert,  and  who  should 

escape  whipping  ? — Shakespeare. 

Desire.  That  which  is  manifestly  beyond  our  reach 
is  beyond  our  desire. 

Man  often  desires  that  which  he  ought  to  dread, 

and  dreads  that  which  he  ought  to  desire. 
Our  ardent  desires  spring  from  our  passions. 
We  easily  imagine  what  we  earnestly  desire. 

Despair.     Despair  comes  to  the  coward,  never  to 

the  brave. 

Come  foul  or  fair,  come  trouble  and  care, 
No — never  a  sigh  or  a  thought  of  despair. 

— Chickadee. 

Despatch.    Despatch  is  the  soul  of  business. 

— Chesterfield. 

Despise.      If   you    despise    your    neighbors,    your 

neighbors  will  despise  you. 

If  we  despise  the  world,  the  world  will  despise  us. 
Despise  not  trifles ;  there  are  no  trifles  in  this  world. 

Despotism.  The  rule  of  the  majority  is  often  the 
worst  of  despotism. 

There  is  no  despotism  like  that  of  the  many-headed 
monster — the  mob. 

Despotism  sits  nowhere  so  secure  as  under  the  effigy 
and  ensigns  of  Freedom. — Landor. 

What  wise  men  call  "law  and  order"  an  Anarch- 
Socialist  calls  "despotism." 


LACONICS  67 


Detraction.      Detraction     crushes    the     weak,     but 
braces  the  brave. 

Devil.    The  devil  is  always  in  a  hurry. 
There  is  a  devil  in  every  kernel  of  corn. 
There  is  no  devil  like  a  she-devil. 
"The  devil  be  damned,"   is   what  we  preach,  you 

know  it — 

At  mass  and  vespers,  holy-bread  and  dinner: 
From  priest  to  pope,  from  pedagogue  to  poet, 
We  sanctify  the  sin  and  damn  the  sinner. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
"He's  ez  bad  ez  the  divil  made  'im,  an'  a  dom  sight 

worser,"  said  Pat. 

When  the  devil  is  taking  a  nap,  go  softly. 
If  the  devil  were  dead  who  would  feed  the  priest? 
The  devil  is  dead,  but  the  poor  still  pay  Peter-pence. 
The  devil  is  still  abroad  in  the  world ;  his  other 

name  is  Ignorance. 
Men  do  more  harm  to  themselves  than  ever  the  devil 

could   do   to   them. — Lord   Byron    (letter   to   his 

mother,  Jan.  14,  1811}. 
Don't  damn  the  devil,  Jim;  ef  thar  war  no  devil 

thar  wudn't  be  no  religin  an'  no  priests. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Thar  uster  be  on'y  one  "devil"  in  printin'  shops,  an' 

now  they  air  ful  uv  "devils." — Bronco  Bill. 
"Where  are  ye  goin',  Pat?" 
Pat :     "Me  boy  Tim  hez  rooned  away  and  gone  te 

the  divil,  an  Oi'm  goin'  afther  'im."* 
'Tis  too  much  proved, — that  with  devotion's  visage 
And  pious  action,  we  do  sugar  o'er 
The  devil  himself. — Shakespeare. 


68  LACONICS 


Diamond.  He  will  read  and  range  and  rhyme  in 
vain 

Who  hath  no  dust  of  diamonds  in  his  brain. 

Truth  sparkles  in  his  song  and  Mke  a  diamond 
gleams. — Poetry. 

He  polishes  a  pebble  and  imagines  it  a  diamond. 

Diamonds  are  only  stones ;  'tis  the  glitter  we  prize. 

When  I  see  a  feller's  name  scratched  on  a  winder- 
glass, 

I  know  he  hed  a  diamond,  and  his  mother  hed  an 
ass. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dice.    Don't  shake  dice  with  the  devil  twice. 

Diet.    To  a  hungry  man  a  fish  is  as  good  as  a  fowl. 
Don't  let  the  doctor  diet  you  into  the  dump-hole. 
What  is  good  for  the  stomach  is  good  for  the  liver. 
He  fed  on  the  Diet  of  Worms. 

Dictator.    In  times  of  anarchy  a  dictator  is  a  savior. 
Nature  is  the  dictator  and  we  have  to  "fall  in." 

Difficulty.     Difficulties  are  spurs  to  a  brave  soul. 
Difficulties  surmounted  become  pleasures. 
Difficulties  surmounted  prove  the  man. 
Many  things  difficult  to  design  prove  easy  to  per- 
form.— Dr.  Samuel  Johnson. 

Diffidence.    Be  modest,  but  don't  be  diffident. 
Self-respect  and  self-reliance  are  cardinal  virtues. 

Diligence — diligent.     If  the  weaver  is  diligent  For- 
tune will  furnish  the  thread. 
Don't  be  diligent  in  doing  nothing. 
Don't  be  diligent  in  a  bad  cause. 
Be  diligent  in  good  works  and  others  will  help  you. 
Diligence  is  the  mother  of  good  luck. 

— Samuel  Smiles. 


LACONICS  69 


Dime.     A  dime  saved  is  a  dollar  earned. 
Ten  cents  make  a  dime — ten  dimes  make  a  dollar — 
put  the  dollar  in  the  Savings-Bank. 

Dinner.    The  best  hour  for  dinner  is  when  you  are 

hungry. 

He  lived  on  faith  and  dined  on  moonshine. 
A  dinner  lubricates  business. — Lord  StowelL 
Dinners  kill  more  men  than  doctors. 
Dinner  was  made  for  eatin',  not  for  talkin'. 

— Thackeray. 

Dirt— dirty.  He  that  flings  dirt  fouls  his  own  face. 
He  is  a  dirty  dog  that  slanders  a  woman. 
Never  cast  dirt  into  the  well  from  which  thou  hast 

drank. — Hebrew  Prov. 
Send  your  dirty  shirt  to  the  wash-tub. 
He  wuz  a  great  polytician;  he  cud  eat  a  peck  uf 

puddin'  with  his  friends  an'  a  peck  uf  dirt  with 

his  enemies. — Bronco  Bill. 

Disappointment.     Our    lost    hopes    are    stepping- 
stones  to  peace. 
Disappointment  is  the  lot  of  every  one, — try  it  again. 

Disappointment  weakens  the  weak,  and  braces  the 
brave. 

Discontent.     God  never  intended  men  to  be  con- 
tent ;  discontent  spurs  us  forward. 
The  improvements  of  man  are  caused  by  discontent. 

Discretion — discrete.     Discretion  is  a  safe  guide. 
Zeal  without  discretion  is  an  ass  without  a  bridle. 
A  discrete  man  says  less  than  he  knows. 
A  discrete  woman  wears  cotton  in  her  ears. 


70  LACONICS 


I  hain't  got  no  part  uf  valor  but  discreshin:  I  met 
a  ole  grizzly  up  in  the  Black  Hills  an',  like  the 
Gunnel,  I  clim'  a  tree. — Bronco  Bill. 

Disease.    Vanity  is  a  disease — most  people  catch  it. 
If  health  were  only  "catching,"  instead  of  disease ! 

Disgrace.    The  fear  of  disgrace,  more  than  the  love 
of  virtue,   deters   men   and  women   from   vice. 

Dishonesty.    The  apparent  success  of  the  dishonest 
is  a  temptation  to  fools. 

Disparagement.    He  who  disparages  himself  to  oth- 
ers expects  praise. 

Dispraise.    The  applause  of  fools  is  dispraise. 

Dispute.    In  a  hot  dispute  he  argues  best  who  says 
the  least. 

Distance.     Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. — Men. 
Distant  danger  is  too  often  despised. 
'Tis  distance  lends  enchantment  to  the  view. 

— Thos.  Campbell. 

Yer  niver  see  ginewine  happiness  an'  content,  axcept 
in  the  distance. — Bronco  Bill. 

Distrust.     To  think  and  feel  we  are  able  is  usually 

to  be  able. 

Don't  distrust  yourself. 

Distrust  the  "sweet  oil"  fellow,  and  the  woman  with 
virtue  on  her  tongue. 

Divinity.    There  is  a  divinity  that  shapes  our  ends, 
Rough-hew  them  how  we  will. — Shakespeare. 


LACONICS  71 


Do.    Do  it  yourself. 

When  a  man  is  no  longer  anxious  to  do  better  than 
well,  he  is  done  for. — B.  R.  Haydon. 

The  insupportable  labor  of  doing  nothing. 

— Richard  Steelc. 

Who  does  the  best  his  circumstance  allows, 

Does  well,  acts  nobly;  angels  could  no  more. 

— Young. 

Do  better  today,  or  you  will  do  worse  tomorrow. 

Make  at  least  an  ear  of  corn  grow  where  none  grew 
before. 

Do  and  it  will  soon  be  done. 

Do  something  worth  doing. 

Whatever  you  do  do  wisely. 

It  is  not  enough  to  will,  we  must  also  do. — Goethe. 

Nothing  is  done  in  which  there  yet  remains  some- 
thing to  be  done. — Napoleon. 

Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing  well. 

— Chesterfield. 

Half-done  is  un-done. 

Your  undone  work  will  undo  you. 

Wha  does  the  utmost  that  he  can, 
Will  whiles  do  mair. — Burns. 

Doctor.    If  you  send  for  a  doctor  you  will  be  ill  ; 

If  you  send  for  two,  better  make  your  will. 

Keep  your  heart  warm,  your  head  cool,  and  defy  the 
doctors. 

"I  am  waiting  for  a  patient  like  Patience  on  a  mon- 
ument," said  a  young  doctor  to  his  Irish  servant. 

"An'  whin  ye  gits  'im,"  said  Pat,  "it  won't  be  long 
afore  the  monument  be  on  the  patient."* 

Death  is  the  only  doctor  that  cures  all. 

The  dose  that  cured  the  sailor  killed  the  tailor. 


72  LACONICS 


Beware  uf  the  new  doctor  jist  let  loose :  he'll  turn  yer 

inside  out,  huntin'  fer  micrabs  an'  yer  money. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Nature  cures  the  disease  and  the  doctor  sends  in  his 

bill. 

The  doctor's  bills  are  as  bad  as  his  pills. 
"Plaze  give  me  a  dose  av  yer  midicin'   dochter." 

"What  kind,  Pat  ?"    Ony  kind  ye  carry,  dochter." 

"What   is   the   matter   with   you,    Pat?"      "Oi'm 

weary  o'  fightin'  wid  Biddy,  Sor,  an'  Oi'm  dyin' 

te  be  kilt."* 
Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 

doctor,  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 
The  best  doctors  in  the  world  are  Dr.  Diet,  Dr.  Quiet, 

and  Dr.  Merryman. — Swift. 
The   ole-fashioned   country   doctor's   all   right:   he 

don't  du  no  good,  but  he  don't  du  no  harm. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

The  doctor  found,  when  she  was  dead, 
Her  last  disorder  mortal. — Oliver  Goldsmith. 
The  doctor  cured  the  disease — he  killed  the  patient. 
Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are  dead. 
"I  have  a  dangerous  case,"  said  the  doctor.     "Sure 

ye  hev  thot,  dochter,  an'  it's  yer  midicin-case,"  said 

Mrs.  Maloney.  * 
"What  is  your  practice?"  asked  a  young  doctor  of 

an  old  one.     "I  practice  on  my  patients,"  replied 

the  honest  old  doctor.  * 

"Doctor,  I  have  a  sore  toe."    "Sure  sign  of  appen- 
dicitis, sir:  I  will  call  in  a  surgeon."     (His  silent 

partner. ) 
It  is  the  latest  fad  fer  every  doctor  tu  hev  his  head 

ful  uf  serums  an'  micrabs. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  73 


Dog.    Don't  kick  a  mad  dog. 
Let  a  barking  dog  sleep  on  the  back  porch. 
If  you  must  be  a  dog,  be  a  bull-dog. 
When  the  dogs  bark  hold  your  tongue. 
Poor  people  keep  dogs  to  eat  the  bread  of  their 

children. 

But  the  poor  dog,  in  life  the  firmest  friend, 
The  first  to  welcome,  foremost  to  defend ! 

— Byron. 

Tis  sweet  to  hear  the  honest  watch-dog's  bark 
Bay  deep-mouthed  welcome  as  we  draw  near  home ; 
'Tis  sweet  to  know  there  is  an  eye  will  mark 
Our  coming,  and  look  brighter  when  we  come. 

— Byron. 
"I  dinna  ken  which  end  o'  'im  to  believe,"  said  a 

Scotchman,  of  a  dog  that  wagged  his   tail  and 

growled. 
When  pleased  a  dog  wags  his  tail;  a  man,  wags 

his  head. 
While  two  small  dogs  are  fighting  over  a  bone  a 

big  dog  grabs  it. 
A  barking  dog  scares  the  game. 
Every  dog  needs  a  master. 
A  dog  at  his  bone,  let  him  alone. 
When  an  old  dog  growls,  beware. 
When  the  old  dog  barks  the  curs  begin  to  yelp. 
"Cavey,  cane   'em,"  yelled  the   "Soph,"   when  the 

dogs  barked  at  the  Latin  professor. 
("Cave  canem" — beware  of  the  dog.) 
Seekest  thou  a  faithful  friend? — get  thee  a  dog. 
Ilka  dog  hez  his  day,  an'  some  dogs  hae  twa. 
Let  the   wee  bit  doggie   bark  an'   wiggle  his   wee 

bit  wiggle ;  he  canna  bite. 


74  LACONICS 


Yer  goin'  tu  tan  my  hide,  mister  ?  Yer  cain't  tan  my 
hide  with  the  bark  uf  a  dog. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dog-fight.     It's  a  dog-fight :  I  bet  on  the  bull-dog. 
It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 
But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dollar.     Better  a  dollar  to-day  than  a  promise  of 

two  to-morrow. 
Yer  cain't  git  more'n  tew  dollars  outer  a  man  thet 

hain't  got  a  cent. — Bronco  Bill. 
We  still  worship  an  idol — "the  Almighty  Dollar." 
A  man  ain't  allus  pore  ef  he  hain't  got  a  dollar,  but 

ef  he  hain't  got  no  sense  he's  poverty-struck  shore. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He  hez  the  dollar-mark  stamped  on  his  stomick  an' 

on  the  seat  uf  his  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 

Done.    Nothing  is  done  until  it  is  finished. 
What  is  done  is  done,  and  be  done  with  it. 
Better  be  done  right  than  half-done  in  a  hurry. 
What  is  not  well  done  is  not  done  at  all. 
Better  undone  than  half-done. 

Door.  A  wasteful  cook  will  throw  food  out  of  the 
back  door  as  fast  as  you  can  bring  it  in  at  the 
front. 

Don't  open  the  door  of  your  heart  to  everybody. 

When  suspicion  creeps  in  at  the  back  door  con- 
fidence walks  out  at  the  front. 

Doubt.    Doubt  is  the  mother  of  truth. 
Who  never  doubted,  never  half  believed. 

— Philip  J.  Bailey. 
In  doubt,  delay. 
Some  people  are  always  in  doubt  and  never  get  out. 


LACONICS  75 


"It's  true,  indade,  Mike,  but  Oi  don't  belave  it," 

said  Pat.* 

There  lives  more  faith  in  honest  doubt, 
Believe  me,  than  in  half  the  creeds. — Tennyson. 

Down.    Lie  down  and  the  world  will  run  over  you. 

It  is  easier  to  get  down  than  to  get  up. 

Only  a  coward  will  kick  a  man  who  is  down. 

The  man  who  goes  down  and  ripes  agam  is  made  of 
good  stuff. 

Three  times  down,  an'  three  times  up : 

Yer  better  tackle  sum  ether  pup. — Bronco  Bill. 

If  we  could  slip  up-hill  as  easily  as  we  slip  down- 
hill we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Doxy.     Keep  your  "doxy;"  I  have  a  "doxy"  of  my 

own. 
Orthodoxy  is  my  doxy ;  heterodoxy  is  another  man's 

doxy. — Bishop  Warburton. 
Every  preacher  hez  his  "doxy,"  an'  some  on  'em 

hez  three  er  four. — Bronco  Bill. 

Dream.    Oh,  let  me  dream  the  dreams  of  long  ago. 
And  still  a  phantom  haunted  all  my  dreams, 
Awake  or  sleeping,  for  awake  I  dreamed. 
A  change  came  o'er  the  spirit  of  my  dream. — Byron. 
I  dreamed  a  dream,  and  in  my  dream  I  dreamed 
That  all  my  dreams  are  dreams — mere  idle  dreams. 
Dreamed! — O  my  soul,  and  was  it  all  dream? 
Dreams  will  do  for  a  midnight  "lunch,"  but  give  me 
eggs  on  toast  for  breakfast. 

Dregs.     As  with  poor  wine  so  with  the  populace — 
agitation  brings  the  dregs  to  the  top. 


76  LACONICS 


He  draws  off  the  "grape- juice,"  and  leaves  the  dregs 
for  his  followers. 

Dress.    The  Hottentot  is  in  full  dress — Nature  was 

his  tailor. 

A  dress-suit  on  a  donkey. 
Jist  think  of  that! — a  stove-pipe  hat, 

Ez  slick  ez  greased  with  lard,  Bob: 
Kid  gloves,  silk  tie,  and  sich  ez  that 

Stuck  ontu  our  ole  pard,  Bob. — Bronco  Bill. 
If  it  were  fashionable  to  go  naked  women  would 

appear  in  public  in  the  full-dress  of  Nature. 
He  wore  a  swoller-tail  coat  an'  tew  patches  under 

the  tails. — Bronco  Bill. 

Drift.    It  is  easier  to  drift  than  to  stem  the  current. 
Politicians  are  mostly  drift-wood. 

Drone.     We  work  one  day  for  ourselves  and  two 

for  the  drones. 

Drive  the  drones  out  of  the  hive. 
Ship  the  drones  to  the  Utopia  of  Liberia  or  the 

jungles  of  the  Amazon.     Make  them  "fish  or  cut 

bait." 
Send  yer  "hobos"  out  tu  Montaner:  the  grizzlies 

like  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

Drunkenness — drunkard.     Fools    marry    drunkards 

to  reform  them. 

Drunkenness  is  voluntary  madness. — Seneca. 
A  man  can  get  drunk  on  vanity. 
Men  often  get  drunk  on  success. 

Dude.     When  the  dude  came  home  from  Harvard 

it  rained  Latin  and  forte  dux  fel  flat  in  guttur. 
Dudes  will  dawdle  and  girls  will  giggle. 


LACONICS  77 


He's  a  young  dude — a  dandy  in  diapers. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Due.    Render  unto  all  men  their  due,  but  remember 
that  thou  art  also  a  man. — Tupper. 

Dupe.     A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by 

a  woman. 
He  is  duped  by  himself. 

Duplicity.     No  man  can  stay  long  on  both  sides  of 

the  fence. 
Ole  pard  Teddy,  don't  fergit  it; 

An'  don't  yer  take  the  chance : 
Carry  worter  on  both  shoulders, 

An'  yer  bound  tu  wet  yer  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 

Duty.     Daily  duties  are   as   wholesome    as    daily 

bread. 

There  is  no  path  of  safety  but  the  path  of  duty. 
There  is  strength  in  every  duty  done. 
Duty  and  happiness  are  linked  together. 
Do  the  duty  which  lies  nearest. 
Not  religion  as  a  duty,  but  duty  as  a  religion. 

— Adler. 

There  is  the  plow  of  duty:  put  your  hands  to  it. 
On  the  rock  of  duty  stand  steadfast. 
I  slept  and  dreamed  that  life  was  Beauty;  I  woke, 

and  found  that  life  is  Duty. — E.  S.  Hooper. 
"Thank  God,  I  have  done  my  duty." 

— Last  words  of  Lord  Nelson. 
The  boy  that  shirks  his  duty  will  prove  a  failure. 
In  dreary  camp,  on  weary  tramp, 
With  "forty  rounds"  and  blistered  feet, 
Through  thicket,  flood  and  fever-fen, 
On  picket  in  the  rain  and  sleet, 


78  LACONICS 


In  bloody  fight,  in  sore  defeat, 

You  did  your  duty : — ye  were  men. — Message,  etc. 
He  wuz  allus  ready  tu  du  his  duty  when  he  cudn't 
shirk  it. — Bronco  Bill. 


E 


Ear.    All  ears  and  eyes  and  no  tongue. 
"If  any  man  have  ears  to  hear,  let  him  hear." — Jesus. 
She  cocks  her  ears  for  scandal. 
Against  gossip  stuff  your  ears. 

Early  Rising.    Better  to  rise  late  and  be  wide  awake, 

than  to  rise  early  and  be  half  asleep. 
"The  early  bird  catches  the  worm,"  but  it's  the  early 

worm  that's  caught. 

Mein  sohn  Johannis  steht  spat  auf  im  morgen,  aber 
wenn  er  hinaus  springt  ist  er  alle  Holle  auf. 

— Schnickerfritz. 

Earn.     Earn  what  you  eat,  and  eat  what  you  earn. 
It  is  easier  to  wear  a  title  than  to  earn  it. 
Don't  wear  what  you  haven't  earned. 

Earth.    The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand, 

Yea,  myriad  millions :  what  are  we  ? — Fame. 
Let  us  possess  the  earth  before  we  reach  out  for  the 

stars. 

We  draw  our  mother-milk  from  Mother  Earth. 
The  Earth  is  the  mother  of  us  all : 
We  are  born  from  her  womb,  and  sleep  in  her  bosom. 


LACONICS  79 


The  Earth  is  the  mother  and  the  Sun  the  father 
of  life. — Dakota. 

Easy.    An  easy  trot  goes  far  in  a  day. 
You  can't  be  easy  doing  nothing. 
It's  easy  enough  if  you  have  the  tools  and  know  how. 
Ef  yez  can't  be  aisy,  be  aisy  ez  ye  kin. 

Eating.    You  can  reach  most  men's  hearts  through 

their  stomachs. 
The  poor  man  toils  to  get  food  for  his  stomach ;   the 

rich  man  to  get  a  stomach  for  his  food. 
A  good  eater,  a  good  worker. 
Don't  eat  your  own  heart — try  a  hen's  gizzard. 
Don't  live  to  eat,  but  eat  to  live. 

Eccentricity.     Eccentricity  in  dress  or  manners  is 

vanity  or  insanity. 

A  monkey's  tail  is  no  prettier  for  being  painted  red. 
Long-haired  poets  are  out  of  fashion. 
Genius  and  eccentricity  are  not  twins. 
He  wuz  an  eccentric  "cuss ;"  he  writ  poetry  an'  wore 

long  har  an'  kid  gloves,  an'  tew  patches  on  the 

seat  uf  his  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 

Echo.     His  grandfather  was  a  great  man ;  he  is  an 

echo  of  an  echo. 

She  warbles  to  the  echo — her  only  applause. 
Where  are  we? — Echo  answers   Where! 

Ebb.    Every  flow  has  an  ebb. 
When  the  tide  is  in  catch  fish,  when  it  ebbs  dig  clams 

Economy.    If  your  out-go  exceeds  your  income,  you 

will  soon  touch  bottom. 
Economy  and  industry  turn  iron  into  gold. 
Economy  and  industry  are  the  philosopher's  stone. 


80  LACONICS 


Gather  up  the  fragments  that  remain,  that  nothing 
be  lost. — Jesus  (St.  John.  Chap.  6,  v.  12.) 

He  wuz  an  economic  cuss ;  he  lived  on  pollytics  an' 
grape-juice. — Bronco  Bill. 

Education.     Our  education  begins    when    we    are 

born  and  ends  when  we  die. 
Education  is  our  salvation. 
Study  Nature  and  get  educated. 
No  man  ever  finished  his  education. 
Mistakes  educate  us. 

The  man  who  never  made  a  mistake  lacks  education. 
The  only  way  to  get  education  is  to  educate  yourself. 
Observation  and  experience  are  the  best  educators. 
Let  mental  and  physical  training  keep  even  pace. 
Don't  stuff  your  mind ;  pack  it  carefully. 
Fill  the  bag  with  wheat  and  there  will  be  no  room 

for  tares. 

Abraham  Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log  cabin. 
Just-out-of -college — "I  have  finished  my  education." 

Young  man,  you  have  finished  before  you  begun. 
True  education  teaches  the  useful  and  the  good. 

Eel.     You  have  an  eel  by  the  tail ;  hold  him  if  you 
can. 

Effect.     He  doctors  the  symptoms,  not  the  disease. 
Few  reason  from  effect  to  cause,  or  from  cause  to 

effect. 

Every  effect  is  due  to  an  unbroken  chain  of  causes. 

— Robert  G.  Ingersoll. 

Effort.     What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the 

heart ; 

What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry 
Nothing  done  without  effort. 


LACONICS  81 


Let  your  efforts  be  directed  by  reason. 

Effort  will  not  turn  a  donkey  into  a  race-horse  or  a 
mud-hen  into  an  eagle. 

Mis-directed  effort  is  time  and  money  wasted. 

He  said  he  cud  du  it  without  a  effort ;  an'  he  did,  an' 
when  it  wuz  done  it  wuzn't  wuth  duin'. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Eggs.  "They  are  egging  him  on,"  said  a  wag,  when 
they  rotten-egged  a  stump-speaker. 

Don't  sit  on  stale  eggs, — let  the  old  hen  do  that. 

It  takes  a  long  time  to  hatch  stale  eggs. 

He  wuz  allus  lookin'  fer  aigs  in  last  year's  bird-nests. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

He  makes  his  chicken  ranch  pay.     His  high-cock- 
alorum rasters  lay  gold  aigs. — Bronco  Bill. 

Said  Pat  to  Mike  at  a  lunch-counter:    "Thim  dom 
biled  eggs  hez  checkins  in  'em." 

"Spake  aisy,"  said  Mike,  "er  they'll  charge  ye  extra 
fer  the  checkins."  * 

Egotism.     Egotism  is  near-sighted. 
Self-praise  stinks  in  the  mouth. 
Let  thy  deeds,  and  not  thy  tongue,  praise  thee. 
Better  overrate  than  underrate  your  own  worth. 
Why  shouldn't  a  man  admire  himself — if  he  is  "the 

noblest  work  of  God"? 
Don't  imagine  yourself  the  center  of  gravity. 
He  is  so  ful  uf  himself  thet  he  hain't  got  no  room 
fer  common-sense. — Bronco  Bill. 

Eloquence.  True  eloquence  consists  in  saying  the 
right  thing  in  the  right  way,  at  the  right  time, 
and  the  right  place. 

When  the  heart  speaks  the  tongue  is  eloquent. 

Truth  is  always  eloquent. 


82  LACONICS 


Emancipation.  The  will  was  the  will  of  God,  the 
hand  was  the  hand  of  Lincoln. 

Emergency.    Be  prepared  for  emergencies. 
Look  out  for  the  unexpected. 
He  emerged  from  his  emergencies. 

Empire.  Westward  the  course  of  empire  takes  its 
way. — George  Berkley,  Bishop  of  Cloyne. 

Employment.  A  life  of  employment  is  a  life  of  en- 
joyment. 

Be  employed  at  something  if  it  is  only  in  kicking 
yourself. 

The  feller  thet  don't  wanter  work  cain't  find  a  job 
nowhar. — Bronco  Bill. 

Empty.    When  his  belly  is  full  his  head  is  empty. 
Don't  drop  your  bucket  into  an  empty  well. 
It  is  hard  drawing  wine  out  of  an  empty  cask. 
It  takes  too  long  to  get  a  drink  out  of  an  empty  jug. 
An  empty  sack  won't  stand  up,  onless  yer  hold  it 
er  hitch  it  ontu  suthin. — Bronco  Bill. 

End.    In  the  beginning  look  to  the  end. 
Let  the  means  and  the  end  justify  each  other. 
Don't  monkey  with  the  tail-end  of  a  wasp. 
It  takes  him  too  long  to  get  to  the  tail-end  of  his  tale. 
Bronco  Bill's  dog,  Tiger,  had  his  tail  bitten  off  by  a 

bear.     "Never  mind  it,  Tiger,"  said  Bill,  "Thar's 

a  divinity  thet  shapes  our  ends." 

Enemy.  Conquer  your  enemies,  but  do  not  humili- 
ate them. 

Fight  your  enemies  to  make  them  your  friends. 
Study  your  enemies. 


LACONICS  83 


Men  are  often  our  enemies  because   they  do  not 

know  us. 

When  you  lose  an  enemy  you  gain  a  friend. 
If  you  are  wise  you  will  learn  more  of  yourself  from 

your  enemies  than  from  your  friends. 
You  are  bound  to  love  your  enemy,  but  you  are  not 

bound  to  put  your  nose  in  his  mouth. 
He  makes  a  rope  of  sand  to  bind  his  enemy. 
He  that  dallies  with  a  cunning  enemy  puts  his  foot 

in  a  trap. 

Friends  and  enemies  are  both  useful  to  a  wise  man. 
He  who  can  do  you  no  good  as  a  friend,  can  do  you 

harm  as  an  enemy. 
If  your  enemy  is  a  man,  make  a  friend  of  him,  if 

he  is  a  dog,  kick  him  and  he  will  be  your  servant. 
An   enemy   in    front — an   enemy   in   the    rear, — go 

ahead. 

Divide  your  enemies ;  unite  your  friends. 
Among  enemies  sleep  with  your  eyes  open. 
Your  worst  enemy  wears  your  hat. 
One  enemy  is  one  too  many. 

Enjoyment.     Moderate  enjoyment    is    real    enjoy- 
ment. 

Joy  to  see  others  enjoy. 
What  you  enjoy  is  yours  and  that  is  all. 
Enjoy  the  plenty  you  have  while  fools  are  hunting 
for  more. 

Ennui.     Ennui  is  the  mother  of  many  vices. 

Enough.     He  will  have  enough  to  do  who  tries  to 

please  everybody. 
Enough  is  a  plenty,  too  much  is  a  pride. 

— Thomas  Tusscr. 


84  LACONICS 


Enough  is  enough;  more  is  too  much. 
Happy  is  he,  as  wise  Horatius  sung, 
To   whom   God   gives   enough   with   sparing  hand. 

— Men 

You  have  talked  enough,  now  go  at  it. 
Enough  is  often  too  much. 

Enterprise.    Plan  with  care ;  execute  with  vigor. 
The  highest  mountain  lessens  as  we  climb. 
Enterprise  bridges  the  rivers,  tunnels  the  mountain, 

and  spans  the  continent. 
Enterprise  and  energy  know  few  failures. 
They  called  the  town  "Enterprise" — cuz  it  needed  it. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Enthusiasm.  How  can  he  kindle  others  who  him- 
self is  a  dead  cinder? 

Enthusiasm  has  done  wonders. 

Enthusiasm  without  sense  is  a  lunatic. 

Yer  orter  see  the  enthoosiasm  uf  thet  ole  Dimecrat 
when  he  gits  ontu  a  dry-goods  box  tu  save  the 
country  with  four  ringers  uf  whisky. — Bronco  Bill. 

Envy.    The  envious  are  always  inferior. 
Envy  will  find  faults  where  there  are  none. 
Envy,  like  the  moth,  seeks  the  fairest  fruit. 
Envy  is  a  witch  that  bewitches  herself. 
Envy  is  the  thorn  of  little  minds. 
Better  be  envied  than  pitied. — Herodotus. 
Base  envy  withers  at  another's  joy, 
And   hates   the   excellence   it   cannot   reach. 

— James  Thomson. 

Who  ever  envied  a  man  with  a  brawling  wife  or  a 
boil  on  his  nose? 


LACONICS  85 


Epicure.  The  epicure  empties  his  purse  into  his 
belly. 

Equality.     Hear   mobs   of    idlers    cry — "Equality! 
Let  all  men  share  alike;  divide,  divide!" 
Pull  down  the  toiler,  lift  the  idler  up? 
Despoil  the  frugal,  crown  the  negligent? 
Offer  rewards  for  idleness  and  crime? 
And  pay  a  premium  for  improvidence? — Men. 
There  is  no  equality, — no  two  men,  or  women,  are 

just  alike. 
Equality?    No  two  grains  of  sand  are  exactly  alike. 

Equal  suffrage.  When  Lycurgus  proposed  to  reform 
the  State  of  Sparta,  a  "reformer"  said :  "Give 
everybody  an  equal  voice  in  the  government.* 
"Try  it  in  your  own  house,"  replied  Lycurgus. 

Equity.  Equity  is  measured  by  the  mind  of  the 
judge;  and  the  little  judge  takes  technicality 
for  equity. 

Error.    Wise  men  err,  but  fools  persevere  in  error. 
Error  is  temporal ;  Truth,  eternal. 
The  errors  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive  than 

the  blunders  of  a  fool. 
To  detect  error  start  with  the  truth. 

Escape.  "At  the  battle  av  the  B'yne  not  a  mon  av 
me  company  escaped  alive,  except  four  thot  wuz 
drownded  in  the  river. — Captain  Connor. 

We  cannot  escape  our  shadows. 

A  snake  kin  escape  frum  his  ole  skin,  but  yer  cain't 
escape  frum  your'n. — Bronco  Bill. 

Eternity — eternal.  Eternity  is  represented  in  a  mo- 
ment of  time. 


86  LACONICS 


Lo,  in  the  midst  we  stand;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 

In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 
Measure  eternity  by  the  town  clock ! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Eternity  will  not  give  back  the  hours  you  squander. 
Eternity  is  the  eternal  Nozv. 
The  next  day  after  eternity. 
Etarnity's  tu  long;  thar  ain't  no  stoppin'-place  on 

the  road. — Bronco  Bill. 

Eulogy.     In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored 
to  build  a  monument  for  himself. 

Events.    In  the  events  of  today  behold  the  hand  of 

yesterday. 

I  claim  not  to  have  controlled  events,  but  confess 
plainly  that  events  have  controlled  me. 

— Abraham  Lincoln   (speech,  1864). 

Coming  events  cast  their  shadows  before. 

— Thomas  Campbell. 

By  time  and  counsel  do  the  best  we  can, 
Th'  event  is  never  in  the  power  of  man. 

— Robert  Herrick. 
So  often  do  the  spirits 

Of  great  events  stride  on  before  the  events, 
And  in  to-day  already  walks  to-morrow. 

— Coleridge. 
Do  right;  be  just;  fear  not — events  will  take  care  of 

themselves. 

If  you  cannot  control  events,  you  can  profit  by  them. 
Keep  your  eye  to  windward;  get  on  the  right  side 
of  events. 


LACONICS  87 


I'd  a-bet  ten  dollars  I  cud  ride  thet  ole  mustang,  but 
I  wudn't  a-bet  ten  cents  arfter  the  event. 

— Bronco  Bill, 

Everybody.    Don't  try  to  please  everybody ;  the  Al- 
mighty couldn't  do  that. 

Better  be  a  kicking  mule  than  everybody's  ass. 

Everybody  says  what  nobody  knows. 

Everybody's  business  is  nobody's  business. 

Everybody  likes  to  shake  hands  with  a  hand  full  of 
money. 

Don't  make  your  business  everybody's  business. 

I  don't  wanter  live  in  "Podunk,"  whar  everybody 
knows  everybody's  business  but  his  own. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Jo  hain't  got  no  use  fer  nobody,  an'  nobody  hain't 
got  no  use  fer  Jo. — Bronco  Bill. 

Everything.     Everything  has  its  use  and  its  abuse. 
Everything  is  a  part  of  everything. 
"Everything  comes   to   him   who  waits."      So? — I 

know  a  lot  of  men  who  are  waiting  yet — in  the 

grave-yard. 

He  looks  into  everything  and  sees  nothing. 
"Everything  is  my  cousin,"  even  tu  thet  ole  "boss" 

thet  whinnies  fer  his  feed  every  time  he  gits  his 

one  eye  on  me. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  knows  a  little  uf  everything  but  he  don't  know 

nuthin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Everywhere.     He  who  is  everywhere  is  nowhere. 
Ma-ry  hed  a  little  "purp" ;  —Seneca. 

The  "purp"  wuz  white  ez  snow, 
An'  everywhar  thet  Ma-ry  went 

Thet  "purp"  wuz  sure  tu  go. — Bronco  Bill. 
(On  Wordsworth's  "little  lamb"). 


88  LACONICS 


(Happiness) — "  'Tis  nowhere  to  be  found,  or  every- 
where."— Pope. 

Evidence.    Before  you  decide  hear  both  sides. 

Compare  statements  with  probabilities. 

Men  will  color;  men  will  distort;  men  will  conceal; 
men  will  lie ;  look  for  the  ear-marks  of  truth. 

Truth  is  plain-spoken,  falsehood,  evasive  and  ful- 
some. 

Strong  circumstantial  evidence  rarely  deceives  the 
wary. 

I  b'leve  in  the  etarnal  life  uf  men  an'  dogs,  but  I 
hain't  got  enuff  evidence  uf  it  tu  hang  a  hoss-thief 
on. — Bronco  Bill. 

Evil.     Commingled  the  good  and  the  evil ; 
Sown  together  the  wheat  and  the  tares; 
In  the  heart  of  the  wheat  is  the  weevil; 
There  is  joy  in  the  midst  of  our  cares. 

— Night  Thoughts. 

The  evil  that  men  do  lives  after  them; 
The  good  is  oft  interred  with  their  bones. 

— Shakespeare. 

Wisdom  will  find  good  in  evil. 
An  imagined  evil  is  a  real  evil. 
One  evil  deed  opens  the  door  for  another. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  from  the  same  womb  and 

rocked  in  the  same  cradle. 
A  small  evil  is  often  a  great  good. 
On  evil  days  though  fall'n,  and  evil  tongues. 

— Milton. 

But  Heaven  that  brings  out  good  from  evil, 
And   loves   to   disappoint  the   Devil. — Coleridge. 
That  evil  is  half-cured  whose  cause  we  know. 

— Churchill. 


LACONICS  89 


Evil  is  only  good  perverted. — Longfellow. 
Men's  evil  manners  live  in  brass,  their  virtues 
We  write  in  water. — Shakespeare. 
Nothing  itself  is  good  or  evil,  But  only  in  its  use. 

— South  ey. 

None  is  altogether  evil. — Tupper. 
Evil  is  wrought  by  want  of  Thought, 

As  well  as  want  of  Heart. — Thomas  Hood. 
The  timid  are  full  of  imaginary  evils. 

Evil-speaking.    He  who  speaks  evil  will  do  evil. 

Evolution.  Evolution  never  goes  backward. 
We  have  "evoluted"  from  an  atom  to  an  ape. 
Evolution  is  a  law  of  Nature. 

Exaggeration.     Some  men's  jackrabbits  are  always 

antelopes. 

Blowhard's  badger  is  a  bear. 
Exaggeration  weakens  the  tale. 
The  minnow  he  failed  to  land  was  the  biggest  bass 

in  the  lake. 
He  allus  ketched  the  biggest  fish  thet  never  wuz  in 

the  pond. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  killed  tew  bars  at  one  shot  becuz  he's  cross- 
eyed, an'  both  uf  'em  is  magyfyers. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Example.    We  echo  what  we  hear  and  ape  what  we 

see. 

When  one  goose  gabbles  the  whole  flock  follows. 
Example  is  a  lesson  that  all  men  can  read. 

—Gilbert  West. 

A  good  example  is  the  best  sermon. 
From  one  example  of  their  crime,  judge  them  all. 

—Vigil  (yEneid  2-65). 


90  LACONICS 


Examples  draw  when  precept  fails. — Prior. 
History  is  Philosophy  teaching  by  example. 

— Thucydides. 

Excellence.     Excellence  is    the    reward  of  patient 
work. 

Excuse.     His  excuse  is  lame ;  it  needs  crutches. 
His  excuse  accuses  him. — From  the  French. 
A  lying  excuse  makes  a  fault  twice  a  fault. 

Execution — execute.     The  best    of    plans    may    be 

spoiled  in  execution. 
Plan  deliberately — execute  promptly. 
"Jist  in  time,"  said  the  sheriff,  when  the  pardon 
arriv   ten   minits   arfter   the   execution. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Expectation.     The  pheasant  flies  from  where  you 

least  expect  it. 
"Great  expectations," — an'  on'y  an  empty  bottle ! 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Expediency.     The  lawful  is  not  always  expedient, 
the  wrongful  never. 

Expense.    The  thriftless  boor  keeps  three  dogs  and 

one  pig. 
Figure  the  expense  and  count  your  pence. 

Experience.     Fools  call  their  folly  experience. 
To  most  men  experience  is  like  the  stern  lights  of  a 
ship  which  illumine  only  the  track  it  has  passed. 

— Coleridge. 
Experience  is  the  true  wisdom  of  nations. 

— Napoleon. 

Experience  keeps  a  dear  school,  but  fools  will  learn 
in  no  other. — Franklin. 


LACONICS  91 


I  had  rather  have  a  fool  to  make  me  merry, 

Than  experience  to  make  me  sad. — Shakespeare. 

Personal  experience  is  the  fool's  schoolmaster. 

The  wise  are  taught  by  reason,  most  men  by  ex- 
perience, fools  by  nothing. 

Weigh  it  in  the  scales  of  experience. 

He  got  tew  black  eyes  an'  a  battered  mug,  but  he 
gained  experience. — Bronco  Bill. 

Explanation.     He  is  trying  to  explain  his  explana- 
tion. 

Extremes.    Oppose  extremes ;  don't  let  the  tail  wag 

the  dog-. 

Extremes  beget  extremes. 
In  all  extremes  there  lies  between 
The  middle  way — the  "golden  mean." 
Avoid  extremes — especially  the  extreme  end  of  a 

wasp. 

Eye.     The  eye  is  the  index  of  the  soul. 
Having  eyes,  see  ye  not? — Mark  8-18. 

He  that  hath  eyes,  let  him  see. 

In  my  mind's  eye,  Horatio. — Shakespeare. 

The  eye  is  the  mirror  of  the  soul. 

The  eyes  believe  themselves,  the  ears  believe  others. 

He  hez  on'y  one  eye  an'  thet's  allus  on  himself. 

— Bronco  Bill 

One  eye  for  the  seller,  two  for  the  buyer. 
He  hez  tew  eyes,  but  he  cain't  see  nobody  but  his 

self. — Bronco  Bill. 
In  het  land  der  blinclen  is  een-oog  koning. — Dutch. 

(In  the  land  of  the  blind  the  one-eyed  is  king). 
One  eye-witness  is  better  than  ten  hear-says. 

— Plant  us. 


92  LACONICS 


One  eye  of  the  master  is  better  than  two  of  the 
servant. — Proverb. 

The  tongue  can  keep  a  secret  better  than  the  eye. 
You  can  see  a  coward  in  his  eye. 

Seek  ye  the  fairest  lily  of  the  field, 

The  fairest  lotus  that  in  the  lakelet  lies, 

The  fairest  rose  that  ever  morn  revealed, 

And  Love  will  find — from  other  eyes  concealed, 
A  fairer  flower  in  some  fair  woman's  eyes. 

— Love  Will  Find 

We  are  blind  with  our  eyes  wide  open. 

Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes  too. 

Other  people's  eyes  cost  us  more  than  our  own. 

— Benjamin  Franklin. 

Most  things  are  magnified,   diminished,   discolored 
or  distorted  by  the  eyes  we  see  them  through. 


Face.    Keep  your  face  to  the  front. 
Face  the  devil  and  he  will  flunk. 
Our  faces,  like  mirrors,  reflect  ourselves. 
God  writes  us  on  our  faces. 
His  face,  the  tablet  of  unutterable  thoughts. — Byron. 

Fact.    One  fact  discovered  is  a  lamp  to  light  the  way 

to  others. 

An  ounce  of  fact  is  worth  a  ton  of  fiction. 
We  mold  facts  in  our  own  molds. 
A  new  fact  is  a  new  revelation. 
Every  fact  fits  in  with  all  other  facts. 
Facts  are   tools   for  the   wise. 


LACONICS  93 


Facts !  facts !    we  are  all  looking  for  facts,  but  not 

with  the  same  eyes. 
Let  your  mind  feed  on  facts. 
His  imagination   furnishes  his   facts. 
His  fancy  fabricates  his  facts. 
Every  fact  in  Nature  is  a  Revelation  and  a  miracle. 

But  facts  are  chiels  that  winna  ding, 

And  daurna  be  disputed. — Burns. 
We  are  more  often  afflicted  by  fancy  than  by  fact. 

— Seneca. 

Fail.    He  who  is  careless  in  small  things  will  fail  in 
great  ones. 

Failure.    It  is  only  the  fool  that  never  fails. 
He  was  born  a  failure. 
Remember  your   failures  are  your  stepping-stones 

to  success. 

If  you  fail  don't  flunk:    "Pick  the  flint  and  try  it 
again." 

Fair.    He  plays  fair  and  picks  your  pocket. 
He  speaks  too  fair  and  I'll  beware. 
The  fairest  flowers  are  without  fruit. 

Faith.    Faith  is  the  foundation  of  society. 
Blind  faith  is  strongest  in  the  weakest. 
Blind  faith  is  the  religion  of  fools. 
Have  faith  in  yourself. 
He  lived  on  faith  and  dined  on  moonshine. 
But  Faith,  fanatic  Faith,  once  wedded  fast 
To  some  dear  falsehood,  hugs  it  to  the  last. 

— Thomas  Moore. 
Faith  is  the  substance  of  things  hoped  for. 

— Epistle  to  the  Hebrews  n-i. 


94  LACONICS 


I  have  fought  the  good  fight,  I  have  finished  the 
course,  I  have  kept  the  faith. — Second  Epistle 
to  Timothy  4-7,  R.  V. 

How  many  things  served  us  yesterday  for  articles 
of  faith,  which  are  fables  to  us  today ! 

— Montaigne. 
Fall.    Fall  and  the  world  will  laugh ;  rise  and  it  will 

applaud. 

A  wise  man  will  never  fall  twice  in  the  same  ditch. 
He  that  is  down  needs  fear  no  fall. — Bunyan. 
Fain  would  I  climb,  and  yet  I  fear  to  fall. 

— Sir  Walter  Raleigh. 

(written  on  a  pane  of  glass,  and  under  it  Queen 
Elizabeth  wrote — "If  thy  heart  fails  thee,  climb 
thou  not  at  all.") 

False.     Although  true,  be  cautions    about    stating 

that  which  appears  to  be  false. 
Falsus  in  uno  falsus  in  omnibus. — Legal  Maxim. 

Falsehood.     It  is  easier  to  detect  falsehood  than  to 

find  the  truth. 
When  falsehood  baits  her  hook  with  bits  of  truth 

she  catches  gudgeons. 
Truth  can  afford  to  go  naked ;  falsehood  needs  fine 

feathers. 
In  most  falsehoods  there  are  grains  of  truth. 

Fame.     Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis 

said, 

Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for  bread. 

— Poetry. 

Fame  is  a  coy  goddess  that  rarely  bestows  her 
favors  on  him  who  seeks  her — a  phantom  that 
many  pursue  and  but  few  overtake. 


LACONICS  95 


Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 

Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware  ? 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  fair  praise  or  calumny; 

Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care  ? 

— Poetry. 
For  fame  men  piled  the  Pyramids; 

Their  names  have  perished  with  their  bones ; 
For  fame  men  wrote  their  boasted  deeds 

On  Babel  bricks  and  Runic  stones, 
On  Tyrian  temples,  gates  of  brass, 

On  Roman  arch  and  Damask  blades, 
And  perished  like  the  desert  grass 

That  springs  to-day — to-morrow  fades. — Fame. 
Alas,  alas,  for  all  things  pass,  and  we  shall  vanish, 

too,  as  they: 
We  build  our  monuments  of  brass  and  granite,  but 

they  waste  away. — Minnetonka. 
The  Pyramids  themselves  have  forgotten  the  names 

of  their  founders. — Thos.  Fuller. 
Imperial  Caesar,  dead  and  turned  to  clay, 
Might  stop  a  hole  to  keep  the  wind  away. 

— Shake  sp  eare. 
Napoleon,  yes  !  where  is  he  ?    The  champion  and  the 

child 

Of  all  that's  great  or  little,  wise  or  wild? 
Whose  game  was  empires,  and  whose  stakes  were 

thrones ; 
Whose     table, — earth — whose     dice     were     human 

bones  ? — Byron. 

The  cornet  of  a  season. — Byron. 
The  Glory  and  the  Nothing  of  a  name. — Byron. 
Fame  is  the  perfume  of  heroic  deeds. — Socrates. 
Fame  is  as  fickle  as  the  babble  of  men. 


96  LACONICS 


Fame  is  but  the  breath  of  the  populace,  and  often 

smells  of  garlic. 
Fame  never  lisped  his  name. 
I'd  ruther  be  a  live  tom-cat  thun  tew  dead  lions. 

— Bronco  Bill 
I'm  gittin'  kinder  tired  huntin'  fer  fame  on  an  empty 

stumick. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  was  famous — immortal  for  a  day. 
There  is  but  a  step  between  fame  and  infamy. 
He  wrote  a  book  despising  fame  and  put  his  full 

name  on  the  title  page. 

And  Folly  loves  the  martyrdom  of  Fame. — Byron. 
To  what  base  uses  we  may  return,  Horatio?     Why 
may  not  imagination  trace  the  noble  dust  of  Alex- 
ander, till  he  find  it  stopping  a  bung-hole. 

— Shakespeare 
He  went  huntin'  fer  fame  an'  got  intu  jail. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

He  fit  fer  fame,  an'  thar  ain't  a  echo  uf  his  name. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

I'm  gittin'  kinder  tired  uf  fame  an'  famine,  an'  I'm 
huntin'  fer  "sow-belly  an'  flap-jacks." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Familiar.     Be  civil  to  all,  sociable  to  many,  familiar 

with   few. — Franklin. 
Be  thou  familiar,  but  by  no  means  vulgar. 

— Shakespeare. 

Family.    A  family  should  be  "unica  velut  arx" — one 

like  a  citadel. 

Don't  pickle  me  in  a  family  jar. 
If  there  is  ferment  in  the  family  jar  add  "sweet 
oil"  and  clap  on  the  cover. 


LACONICS  97 


It's  a  poor  coop  where  the  hen  crows  and  the  cock 

cackles. 
Every  family-tree  bears  some  bad  fruit. 

Fancy.     We  are  more  often  afflicted  by  fancy  than 

by  fact. — Seneca. 
Fancy  kills,  and  fancy  cures. 

Chewing  the  cud  (food)  of  sweet  and  bitter  fancy. 

— Shakespeare. 

His  fancy  runs  away  with  his  reason. 
Her  morbid  fancy,  tickled  with  a  tear. 
In  the  spring  a  cow-boy's   fancy  lightly  turns  tu 

calves  an'  colts. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  fancied  he  wuz  in  a  feather  bed  in  Boston,  an' 
he  woke  up  in  a  hay-stack. — Bronco  Bill. 

Far-away — far.    Far-away  is  the  happy  land, 
Where  hares  come  leaping  to  your  hand, 
And  ducks  drop  ready  roasted. 
Fine  are  the  fields  that  are  far  away. 
It  is  only  in  a  far-away  land  that  lemons  and  sugar 

and  ice  grow  on  the  same  tree. 
When  a  fool  goes  fur  fer  a  wife  he  most  allus  gits 

anether. — Bronco  Bill. 
How  far  is  your  son  going,  Pat  ?    He's  going'  te  the 

divil,  an'  Oi  dunno  how  furder  it  is.  * 

Farce.     When  the  farce  is  played  out,  let  the  cur- 
tain drop. 
It  is  only  one  step  from  farce  to  tragedy. 

Fashion.    WTe  dance  to  the  music  of  the  times. 
Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. 


98  LACONICS 


When  Nero's  wife  put  on  her  auburn  wig, 
And  at  the  Saturnalia  showed  her  head, 
The  hair  of  every  dame  in  Rome  turned  red; 
When  Nero  fiddled  all  Rome  danced  a  jig. 

— Poetry. 

Fashion  wears  out  more  clothes  than  work. 
If  it  were  the  fashion  to  go  naked,  women  would 

follow  the  fashion. 
Bread  is  cheap,  fashion  is  dear. 
Nature  requires  little,  fashion  much. 
Fashion  and  custom  are  the  biggest  items  in  our 

family  expenses. 

Fate.     Fight  not  against  fate;  it  is  better  to  bend 

than  to  break. 

There  is  no  armor  against  fate. 
Between  the  cup  and  the  lip  stand  fate. 

He  either  fears  his  fate  too  much. 

Or  his  deserts  are  small, 
That  dares  not  put  it  to  the  touch 
To  gain  or  lose  it  all. 

— James  Graham,  Marquis  of  Montrose. 
To  bear  is  to  conquer  our  fate. — Thomas  Campbell. 
Here's  a  sigh  for  those  who  love  me, 

And  a  smile  for  those  who  hate : 
And  whatever  sky's  above  me, 

Here's  a  heart  for  every  fate. — Byron. 
There  is  no  "Court  of  Appeals"  from  the  decrees 

of  Fate. 

Don't  clutch  the  wheel-spokes  of  fate;  try  the  rear 
end  of  the  "Limited  Express." 

Father.     A  hard  father,  a  hardy  son. 

He  worked  hard  all  his  life  to  make  his  sons  sports 
and  spendthrifts. 


LACONICS  99 


He  that  honoreth  his  father  shall  have  a  long  life. 

— Eccles.  3-6. 

Like  father  like  son. — Proverb. 
Father  of  all!  in  every  age, 

In  every  clime  adored, 
By  saint,  by  savage  and  by  sage, 

Jehovah,  Jove,  or  Lord ! 

— Pope.  (The  Universal  Prayer.) 
Who  would  be  a  father? — Shakespeare.   (Othello) 
Our  fathers,  who  were  wondrous  wise, 
Did  wash  their  throats  before  they  washed  their 

eyes. — Ray's  Collection  of  Proverbs. 
Never  strike  a  jackass,  Jo;  yer  might  hit  yer  own 

father. — Bronco  Bill. 

Fault.     Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  faultless  art; 
Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites; 
As  in  a  picture  shadows  show  the  lights, 
So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. 

— Poetry. 
If  we  had  no  faults  we  wouldn't  be  hunting  for 

faults  in  others. 
The  greatest  of  faults  is  to  be  conscious  of  none. 

— Carlyle. 
His   faults   are   such   that  one   loves  him   still   the 

better  for  them. — Goldsmith. 
Small  faults  are  little  thieves. 
The  faultless  man  was  born  tomorrow. 
They  that  do  nothing  spend  their  time  rinding  fault 

with  others. 
We  remember  the  faults  of  others  and  forget  our 

own. 
Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  forget 

your  virtues. 


100  LACONICS 


We  can  hide  our  faults  from  ourselves  easier  than 
from  others. 

The  man  without  faults  is  in  the  cemetery. 

He's  a  critic — hunting  for  faultless  faults. 

The  best  way  to  see  the  faults  of  a  pretty  woman  is 
to  shut  your  eyes. 

Faultless  to  a  fault. — Robert  Browning. 

Faultily  faultless. — Tennyson. 

Great  men  too  often  have  greater  faults  than  little 
men  have  room  for. — Landor. 

They  say  best  men  are  moulded  out  of  faults ; 

And,  for  the  most,  become  much  more  the  better 

For  being  a  little  bad. — Shakespeare. 

Where  love  is  scarce  faults  are  plenty. 

If  the  best  men's  fauts  were  written  on  their  fore- 
heads, it  wad  mak  'em  pull  their  bonnets  owre 
ther  eyes. — Scotch  Proverb. 

He  is  all  fault  that  hath  no  fault  at  all. — Tennyson. 

Favor.     If  you  cannot  grant  a  favor  asked, — refuse 

graciously  and  without  delay. 
A  handsome  woman  finds  favor  among  men,  and 

but  little  among  her  own  sex. 

He  is  out  of  favor  with  himself  and  everybody 
else. 

Fawning.     And  crook  the  pregnant  hinges  of  the 

knee. 
That  thrift  may  follow  fawning. — Shakespeare. 

Thet  little  she-faun  is  allus  a-fawin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Fear.     Brave  Red  Cloud  is  only  afraid  of  fear. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 
Fear  turns  the  black  sheep  into  a  bear. 


LACONICS  101 


Fear  multiplies  the  enemy  ten-fold. 
When  fear  enters  wisdom  departs. 
Fear  makes  a  wolf  out  of  a  jack- rabbit. 
Conceal  your  fear  under  a  bold  front. 
Fear  is  a  bad  counselor. 
Fear  doubles  the  danger. 

He  wuzn't  afeard  uf   nuthin',   he   cud   run   faster 
nur  ary  Injun  on  the  plains. — Bronco  Bill. 

Feast.    He  who  comes  after  the  feast  must  be  con- 
tent with  the  bones. 
Baked  potatoes  and  salt  make  a  feast  for  a  hungry 

man. 

Too  late  to  the  feast, — the  dogs  have  the  bones. 
'After  the  feast,  bones — bones. 
Fools  make  feasts  and  shrewd  men  eat  them. 
He  that  comes  unca'd  sits  unsair'd. — Scotch  Proverb. 
Ah,  sweet  content — the  blessing  of  the  blest — 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table — East  or  West — 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 

Feather.     He  fans  with  a  feather  and  imagines  he 

has  started  a  hurricane. 
Fine  feathers  make  fine  birds. 
She  is  all  fads  and  feathers. 
His  cockloft  is  full  of  feathers. 

Federation.     In  the  parliament  of  men,  the  federa- 
tion of  the  world. — Tennyson. 

Fetter.     Even  golden  fetters  become  hateful. 
He  who  forges  fetters  for  others  may  wear  them 

himself. 
We  all  wear  fetters — some  of  iron,  some  of  gold. 


102  LACONICS 


Fiber.    Don't  refine  too  fine ;  save  the  fiber. 
I  like  his  fiber;  he  will  wear. 

Fickle.     The  wife  that  is  fickle  is  soon  in  a  pickle. 
Who  o'er  the  herd  would  wish  to  reign, 
Fantastic,   fickle,  fierce  and  vain? 
Vain  as  the  leaf  upon  the  stream; 
And  fickle  as  a  changeful  dream; 
Fantastic  as  a  woman's  mood, 
And  fierce  as  Frenzy's  fevered  blood. 

— Sir  Walter  Scott. 
Fair  is  my  love,  but  not  so  fair  as  fickle. 

— Shakespeare. 
Her  fickle  fancy,  tickled  at  a  touch. 

Fiddler.     Every  fiddler  thinks  his  own  fiddling  the 

finest. 

When  Nero  fiddled  all  Rome  danced  a  jig. 
He   fiddled — and   fiddled — his   fiddle-de-de. 

Fight.     A  Frenchman  fights  before  he  reasons; 
A  Scotchman  reasons  before  he  fights; 
An  Irishman  fights  for  the  fun  of  it; 
And  an  Englishman  fights  when  he  thinks  he  can 

whip  his  enemy. 

Fightin'  like  divils  for  conciliation, 
An'  hatin'  each  other  for  the  love  of  God. 

— Charles  Lever. 
It  is  better  to  fall  fighting  than  to  be  shot  in  the 

back. 

Said  Pat:     "Oi'm  niver  so  much  at  pace  as  whin 

Oi'm  in  a  foight."* 
The  main  thing  in  this  world  is  to  fight  a  good 

fight  and  win. 


LACONICS  103 


Men  are  prone  to  fight;  even  wolves  agree  among 

themselves. 

"Were  you  in  the  battle  of  Bull  Run,  Pat?" 
"Sure  Oi  wuz,  sor." 
"An'  where  were  you,  Pat?" 
"Oi  wuz  behint  at  the  Bui,  but  Oi  wuz  before  at 

the  Run,  sor."* 

Figure-head.     How  often  the  head  figure  is  a  mere 
figure-head. 

Fine — finery.     A  foolish  woman  is  known  by  her 

finery. 
He's  tu   fine — put  'im   in  a  candy-box   fer   Sweet 

Marie's  bedwar. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  makes  a  point  so  fine  that  nobody  can  see  it 

but  himself. 
That's  finest  that's  fit. 

Finite.     In  the  finite  find  the  infinite. 

Fire.     Fight  fire  with  fire. 
There  is  no  fire  in  the  flint  till  steel  strikes  it. 
An  angry  man  is  like  one  who  attempts  to  quench 

a  fire  with  kerosene. 
Under  ashes  fire. 

Fire  in  the  heart,  smoke  in  the  head. 
Fire  won't  burn  without  fuel. 
A  little  hot-head  may  kindle  a  big  fire. 
Look  out  for  fire  in  the  rear. 
He  fired  in  the  air,  and  the  little  dogs  barked. 
A  little  fool  can  start  a  big  fire. 
A  Injun  makes  a  little  fire  an'  warms  his-self ;  a 
Whiteman  makes  a  big  fire  an'  burns  his  boots. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
A  little  fire  is  quickly  trodden  out, 


104  LACONICS 


Which  being  suffered,  rivers  cannot  quench. 

• — Shakespeare. 

One  fire  burns  out  another's  burning. — Shakespeare. 
Where  there  is  smoke  there  is  fire. 
He  kindled  a  fire  under  himself. 

From  woman's  eyes 

From  whence  doth  spring  the  true  Promethean  fire. 

— Shakespeare. 

First  Families.  He's  one  uf  them  F.  F.  Vs.  thet 
kim  over  in  a  prison-ship  with  the  John  Smiths 
an'  the  Bill  Joneses. — Bronco  Bill. 

Fish.     The  fish  the  fisherman  fails  to  land  is  the 

biggest  fish  in  the  pond. 
Fish  with  a  silver  hook. 
Don't  try  to  catch  a  trout  with  a  chunk  of  pork 

on  a  pot-hook. 

The  easiest  fish  to  catch  is  a  "sucker." 
Keep  your  net  set  and  you'll  catch  fish  while  you 

sleep. 
"Thar's  a  fish  between  tew  cats,"  said  Bronco  Bill, 

when  he  saw  Jo  Fish  sitting  between  two  lawyers. 
Master,  I  marvel  how  fishes  live  in  the  sea? 
Why,  as  men  do  on  land — the  great  ones  eat  up  the 

little  ones. — Shakespeare. 
Don't  fish  whar  thar  ain't  no  fish. — Bronco  Bill. 

Fits.  He  works  by  fits  an'  starts,  but  he  niver  starts 
till  he  gits  "fits."— Bronco  Bill. 

Flag.    Every  man  for  the  flag  and  the  flag  for  us  all. 
Brave  Captain  Bragg  war  ez  witty  a  wag 
Ez  iver  smelt  gun-powder  under  the  flag. 

— Bronco  Bill — War  with  Japan. 


LACONICS  105 


"Oi'm  flaggin'  the  inemy,"  said  Pat,  as  he  ran  to 
the  rear  with  the  colors.* 

Flattery — flatterer.  We  dislike  those  who  flatter  us 
too  much,  and  hate  those  who  don't  flatter  us 
at  all. 

There  is  no  such  flatterer  as  a  man's  self. — Bacon. 

Flattery  corrupts  both  the  receiver  and  the  giver. 

— Burke. 

Imitation  is  the  sincerest  flattery. — Cotton. 

A  flattering  mouth  worketh  ruin. — Solomon. 

A   man   that   flattereth   his   neighbor,    spreadeth    a 
net  for  his  feet. — Solomon. 

'Tis  an  old  maxim  of  the  schools, 

That  flattery  is  the  food  of  fools; 

Yet  now  and  then  your  men  of  wit 

Will  condescend  to  take  a  bit. — Dean  Swift. 

Face-flatterer  and  back-biter  are  the  same. 

— Tennyson. 

He  that   is   much   flattered   soon   learns   to   flatter 
himself. 

A  man  who  is  too  deaf  to  hear  good  counsel  will 
hear  flattery  a  mile  off. 

The  only  flatterer  I  fear  is  myself. 

Shrewd  men  flatter  us  to  our  friends,  that  it  may 
come  to  our  ears. 

Flatterers  are  the  parasites  of  the  powerful. 

Flattery  is  fit  pap  for  fools. 

We  can  flatter  no  one  so  easily  as  ourselves. 

The  worst  flatterer  is  he  who  flatters  the  masses. 

Flattery  will  not  hurt  us  if  we  don't  flatter  our- 
selves. 

When  Nature  changes  her  nature  you  may  trust  a 
flatterer. 


106  LACONICS 


He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of  flattery. 
Of  all  tame  beasts  preserve  me  from  a  flatterer. 

— Ben  Jonson. 

Flea.  "I  not  like  ze  fleas,"  said  Yacob's  "best  girl" 
on  the  sand  at  Long  Beach.  "Ich  auch,"  said 
Yacob,  "ze  bite  not  bodder  me  mooch,  aber  I 
not  can  sleeb  mit  zat  leedle  tarn  valk — valk — 
valk — on  mein  beins  und  belly  all  ze  night."  * 
"Uncle  Isaac,"  of  Los  Angeles,  went  fishing  at 
Redondo  on  Sunday.  He  returned  with  only 
one  little  smelt.  "Ach,  Ikey,"  said  his  wife,  "du 
bin  hev  cotch  nur  ein  leedel  fisch?  You  not 
cotch  no  more  bites?"  "Ach,  Gott — yah,"  said 
Isaac,  "I  cotch  more  als  ein  tousant  flea-bites."* 

A  flea 

Hath  smaller  fleas  that  on  him  prey; 
And  these  have  smaller  still  to  bite  'em, 
And  so  proceed  ad  infinitum. — Jonathan  Swift. 
Flee  from  the  fleas,  an'  the  fleas'll  foller. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Flee.     Flee,  and  she  follows ;  follow,  and  she'll  flee. 

— Francis  Quarles. 
One  thousand  shall  flee  at  the  rebuke  of  one. 

• — Isaiah  30-17. 
The  wicked  flee  when  no  man  pursueth. 

— Proverbs  28-1. 

The  wicked  flee  when  no  man  pursueth ;  but  I'm 
ez  bold  ez  a  jack- rabbit. — Bronco  Bill. 

Flies.     If  you  would  catch  flies  sugar  your  sauce. 
Flies  can  annoy  a  lion. 

He's  alive — thar  ain't  no  flies  on  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 
Keep  yer  mouth  shet, — it's  fly  time. — Bronco  Bill. 

Flinch.    Never  flinch,  however  much  you  fear. 


LACONICS  107 


It's  a  "cinch," — inch  by  inch — 
Win  your  way  and  never  flinch. 
Never  flinch,  Jim;  aspecially  ef  yer  got  a  gun  an' 
the  ether  man  hain't. — Bronco  Bill. 

Flock.    When  one  duck  flies  the  flock  follows. 
If   you   want  to   control  the   flock  catch   the   bell- 
wether. 

Any  feather-head  can  follow  the  flock. 
In  pollytics  fools  allus  fly  in  flocks. — Bronco  Bill. 

Flower.    The  flower  must  fade  before  the  fruit  ap- 
pears. 

The  fairest  flowers  are  rarely  the  sweetest. 
The  fairest  flowers  are  fruitless. 

Foe.     We  are  sharpened  by  the  files  of  our  foes. 

Fight  a  foe  to  make  him  a  friend. 

He  makes  no  friends  who  never  made  a  foe. 

— Tennyson. 
Follow.    Follow  the  bees  and  you  will  find  the  hive. 

Follow  the  crows  and  you  will  find  the  carrion. 

Men,  like  geese,  follow  the  flock. 

Folly.     When  we  laugh  at  the  follies  of  others  let 

us  look  at  our  own. 

One  man's  folly  is  another  man's  fortune. — Bacon. 
My  only  books  were  woman's  looks, 
And  folly's  all  they've  taught  me. 

— Thomas  Moore. 

He  who  hath  not  a  dram  of  folly  in  his  mixture, 
hath  pounds  of  much  worse  matter. 

— Charles  Lamb. 

Where  lives  the  man  that  has  not  tried, 
How  mirth  can  into  folly  glide, 

And  folly  into  sin? — Sir  Walter  Scott. 


108  LACONICS 


Folly   grows   without   watering. — George   Herbert. 
Answer  not  a  fool  according  to  his  folly. 

— Proverbs  26-4. 
Shoot  folly  as  it  flies. — Pope. 
Folly   is   the   disease   that  has   no   cure. — Spanish. 

(El  mal  que  non  tiene  cur  a  es  locura.) 
Folly  is  a  crankous  doggie  fu'  o'  flaes  an'  flit. 
Thar's  no  folly  in  Molly,  by  Golly! 
She's  allus  ful  uf  fun  an'  jolly. — Bronco  Bill. 

Food.     Feed  neither  mind  nor  body  continually  on 

the  same  food. 
It  is  better  to  discover  a  new   food   for  man  on 

earth  than  a  new  star  in  the  sky. 
Feed    a    vain    man    on    flattery — it's    plum-puddin' 

to  him. 

Fool.     Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the 

bread. 

For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools, 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  fool  acts  first  and  asks  advice  afterwards. 
A   fool   is  often  as   dangerous   to   deal  with   as   a 

knave. 

Don't  send  a  fool  on  an  errand. 
Fools  follow  the  opinion  of  others,  wise  men  think 

for  themselves. 
Only   fools  are  born  wise. 
There   is   one   crop  that  never   fails — the  crop   of 

fools. 
A  fool  walks  with  his  mouth  open  and  his  eyes 

shut. 


LACONICS  109 


He  who  discovers  that  he  is  a  fool  has  found  the 

right  road  to  wisdom. 
Some    men    talk    like    philosophers    and    live    like 

fools. 
Even  a  wise  man  may  sometimes  make  a  fool  of 

himself. 
When  nature  gave  him  a  long  tongue  she  meant 

him  for  a  fool. 
There  is  no  cure  for  a  fool. 
The  fool  finds  a  stone  wall  in  his  way  by  bumping 

his    head   against   it. 
God  bless  the  damphools,  Jim;  they're  road-signs 

fer  ether  folks. — Bronco   Bill. 
Every  fool  has  a  goose  that  lays  a  golden  egg  to- 
morrow. 
A  fool  blames  others  for  his  faults;  a  wise  man 

blames   himself. 

The  land  of  fools  is  the  paradise  of  knaves. 
He  is  a  fool  who  gets  two  black  eyes  to  blacken 

one  of  his  enemy. 

The  young  fools  call  their  elders  the  old  fools. 
A  fool   friend  is  often  more   dangerous  than  an 

enemy. 

Fools  rush  in  where  angels  fear  to  tread. — Pope. 
No  creature  smarts  so  little  as  a  fool. — Pope. 
The  fool  doth  think  he  is  wise,  but  the  wise  man 

knows  himself  to  be  a  fool. — Shakespeare. 
The  wust  failin'  uf  a  damphool  is  he  don't  know 

enuff  tu  know  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
A  fool  may  ask  questions  that  a  wise  man  cannot 

answer. 
Nae  man  can  play  the  fule  sae  weel  as  the  wise 

man. — Scotch  Prov. 


110  LACONICS 


When  Carlyle  was  asked  the  population  of 
England,  he  replied — "Thirty  millions — mostly 
fools." 

I'll  tell  ye  the  differ  atween  a  wise  man  an'  a  fule, 
said  the  Scot;  the  fule  knows  it  all  an'  the  wise 
mon  don't. 

When  a  wise  man  plays  the  fool  he  plays  it  "with 
a  vengeance." 

Fools  hold  their  hearts  in  their  mouths. 

A  fool's  paradise  is  better  than  a  wise  man's  pur- 
gatory.— G.  Coleman.  (senior). 

Thar's  no  fool  like  a  ole  fool  when  a  she  fool  gits 
ontu  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 

\      Foolish.    It  is  a  foolish  chicken  that  runs  to  the  fox 
for  protection. 

Forbearance.     Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee; 

Forgive  and  be  forgiven, 
For  Charity  is  the  golden  key 

That  opens  the  gate  of  heaven. — Charity. 
There  is  a  limit  at  which  forbearance  ceases  to  be 

a  virtue. — Burke. 
If  he  calls  you  a  fool,  forbear;  if  he  calls  you  a 

liar,  hit  'im. 

Forefathers.  "Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  forefathers," 
said  Pat,  "fer  Oi  dunno  who  the  divil  they  wuz, 
but  Oi  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity  fer  Biddie 
an'  me  hez  twinty-wan  av  'em."  * 

"My  forefathers  were  noblemen,"  said  the  English- 
man. 

"An'  ef  yer  mither  hed  been  a  'onesht  'oman  yez 
wudn't  a  hed  but  wan  av  'em,"  said  Pat.* 

I'm  in  fer  reform :  let's  begin  on  our  forefathers ; 
they  need  it  the  wust. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  111 


Foremost.     In  politics  the  foremost    is    soon    the 

hindmost. 
The  hindmost  in  the  fight  is  the  foremost  in  the 

retreat. 
I  the  heir  of  all  the  ages,  in  the  foremost  files  of 

time. — Tennyson. 
The  foremost  leads  the  flock. — Wer  der  Vordeste 

1st,  fiihrt  die  Herde. — Schiller. 
Facile  princeps — easily   foremost. 
Either  I  am  the  foremost  horse  in  the  team,  or  I  am 

none. — Fletcher    and    Beaumont  —  Two    Noble 

Kinsmen.     Act  1-2. 
"The  foremost  hoss  in  the  team"  wuz  a  mool. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Fore-sight.     File  your  fore-sight ;  your  hind-sight 

is  good  enough. 
If  our  fore-sight  were  as  good  as  our  hind-sight  we 

would  seldom  miss  the  mark. 
Most  men  have  hind-sight,  some  fore-sight,  and  a 

rare  few  circum-sight. 
Yer  cain't  see  half  ez  fur  with  yer  foresight  ez  yer 

kin  with  yer  hind-sight. — Bronco  Bill. 
Ef  yer  wanter  make  a  hit  keep  yer  eye  on  both 

sights — fore-sight  an'  hind-sight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Fore-thought.    Patch  the  roof  before  it  rains. 
The  fore-thought  of  a  fool  is  always  behind. 
A  little  fore-thought  is  better  than  a  sore  head. 

Forewarned.     Forewarned,  forearmed. 

Forgetfulness — forget.    His  forgetery  is  better  than 

his  memory. 
To  delay  is  to  forget. 


112  LACONICS 


We  cannot  always  forget  what  we  do  not  wish  to 

remember. 
It  is  best,  at  times,  to  forget  what  you  know. 

— Publius  Syrus. 

Forgive.     Let  there  be  no  room  in  thy  heart  for 

the  memory  of  a  wrong. 
Never  does  the  human  heart  appear  so  strong  and 

noble  as  when  it  foregoes  revenge. 
It  is  easier  to  forgive  those  who  have  injured  us 

than  those  whom  we  have  injured. 
The  offender  seldom  forgives. 
Forgiveness  is  commendable,  but  some  men  need 

licking. 

Forgive,  but  don't  forget. 
If  you  would  be  forgiven,  forgive. 
Forgive  everybody  but  yourself. 

Bear  and  forbear,  I  counsel  thee, 

Forgive  and  be  forgiven, 
For  Charity  is  the  golden  key 

That  opens  the  gate  of  Heaven. — Charity. 

Fortitude.    Fortify  yourself  with  fortitude  and  For-" 
tune  will  favor  you. 

Fortune.    A  fortune  is  often  a  misfortune. 

When  fortune  blows,  hoist  your  sails. 

He  is  a  shrewd  man  who  knows  how  to  make  a 
fortune;  a  wise  man  who  knows  how  to  keep 
it;  but  he  is  wisest  who  knows  how  to  enjoy  it. 

The  way  to  court  fortune  is  to  meet  her  half-way. 

Fortune  rarely  smiles  on  him  who  complains  of  her. 

Friends  and  fortune  fly  together. 

Fortune  often  knocks  at  our  door,  but  most  of  us 
are  out  or  asleep. 


LACONICS  113 


Industry  is  fortune's  right  hand,  frugality  her  left. 
In  losing  fortune,  many  a  lucky  elf 

Has  found  himself. — Horace  Smith. 
There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  men, 
Which,  taken  at  the  flood,  leads  on  to  fortune. 

— Shakespeare. 

Fortune  makes  him  fool  whom  she  makes  her  darl- 
ing.— Bacon. 
The  way  to  gain  the  favor  of  fortune  is  to  fight 

for  it. 
When  you  are  at  the  top  of  the  hill  all  roads  lead 

downward. 

A  small  fortune  is  safer  than  a  big  one. 
How  often  fortune  plays  the  coquette — smiling  at 

first,  and  mocking  afterwards. 
Weave   diligently  and    Fortune    will    furnish    the 

thread. 
When  fortune  knocks  at  the  door  be  ready  to  let 

her  in. 

Fortune  sells  what  she  seems  to  give. 
He  is  waiting  for  a  fortune — with  a  hole  in  his  hat 

and  a  patch  on  his  pants. 
Don't  idle  away  time  waiting  for  a  fortune  to  fall 

on  you. 
Fortune  sometimes  comes  to  the  unfortunate ;  rarely 

to  the  indolent. 

Forward.     A  man  cannot  stand  still ;  he  must  go 

forward  or  backward. 
Forward  ! — Forward ! — That  is  the  word  that  wins 

the  victory. 

Don't  be  backward  in  coming  forward  in  your  own 
cause. 


114  LACONICS 


Foul.    Foul  deeds  will  rise, 

Though  all  the  earth  o'erwhelm  them  to  men's 
eyes. — Shakespeare. 

Fountain.     If  you  want  pure  water  go  to  the  foun- 
tain-head. 
He  starts  his  fountain  with  a  cork-screw. 

Fowl.  Be  thou  neither  fish  nor  fowl,  nor  kippered 
herring. 

Fox.    The  fox  never  gets  caught  twice  in  the  same 

trap. 

Under  the  bait  the  old  fox  smells  the  hidden  trap. 
He's  the  same  ole  fox — in  a  new  hole. — Bronco  Bill. 

Foxy.     He  was  so  foxy  that  he  outwitted  himself. 
Freak.    A  truly  wise  man  is  a  freak  of  nature. 

Freedom.  The  word  Freedom  has  covered  a  multi- 
tude of  wrongs. 

True  Freedom  is  the  right  to  do  right. 
The  roots  of  the  sturdy  oak  of  Freedom  have  ever 
been  watered  with  blood. 

French.    "Do  you  understand  French,  Pat?" 
"Sure  Oi  duz  ef  ye  spake  it  in  Oirish." 

Friction.     Men  of  mettle  are  polished  by  friction. 
Pour  a  little  "sweet  oil"  on  the  friction-point. 

Friend — friendship.  A  true  friend  divides  our  sor- 
rows and  doubles  our  joys. 

A  friend  that  frowns  is  better  than  a  smiling  enemy. 

How  many  friends  are  like  the  swallows  that  make 
their  nests  under  your  roof  in  summer  and  in 
autumn  fly  away. 


LACONICS  115 


We  never  know  the  value  of  a  true  friend  till  we 

lose  him. 
I  have  one  friend  I  can  depend  on — he  is  in  my 

pocket. 

Friendship  is  Love  without  his  arrows. 
Friendship  is  Love  with  his  eyes  open. 
Most   of   our    friends   are   like   the    hairs   on   our 

heads, — they  fall  away  when  we  get  old. 
He  is  my  friend  who  trades  at  my  shop. 
He  makes  no  friend  who  never  made  a  foe. 

— Tennyson. 
In  your  old  age  and  poverty  your  dead  friends  will 

remain  your  true  friends. 
Be  your  friend's  friend,  but  not  the  friend  of  his 

faults. 
He  has  a  hundred  friends  of  his  fortune  to  one  of 

himself. 

A  summer  friend  is  a  friend  to  feed; 
A  winter  friend  is  a  friend  indeed. 
Fear  your  friends  and  face  your  enemies. 
Friendship  is  a  plant  that  needs  watering. 
Friendship  can't  stand  long  on  one  leg. 
The  golden  rule  of  friendship — quid  pro  quo. 
Friendship  is  a  rose  without  thorns. 
True  friendship  is  like  pure  wine ;  the  older  it  grows 

the  stronger  it  grows. 
The  man  who  has  no  need  of   friends  will  have 

many. 
A  fool  friend  is  more  dangerous    than    an    open 

enemy. 

Friends  and  enemies  are  both  useful  to  a  wise  man. 
My  friend  is  my  brother  of  my  own  choosing. 
A  friend's  face  is  a  good  mirror. 


116  LACONICS 


In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends,  in  adversity 

they  will  beware  of  you. 
Between  true  friends,  truth. 
You  will  never  find  a  friend  without  a  fault. 
The  friendship  you  have  to  buy  is  seldom  worth 

the  price. 
The  friend  who  tells  you  your  faults  is  the  friend 

to  tie  to. 
Friendship  is   but   a   name.      I   know   well   that   I 

have  not  one  true  friend.     As  long  as  I  continue 

in  power,  I  may  have  as    many    friends    as    I 

please. — Napoleon. 

Be  slow  in  choosing  a  friend,  slower  in  changing. 

— Franklin. 
There  are  three  faithful  friends — an  old  wife,  an 

old  dog,  and  ready  money. — Franklin. 
Friendship  is  Love  without  wings. 

— "L'Amite  est  I' Amour  sans  ailes." 
True  friendship  is  a  plant  of  slow  growth. 

— Geo.  Washington. 

A  man  should  keep  his  friendship  in  constant  re- 
pair.— Dr.  Johnson. 
I  would  not  enter  on  my  list  of  friends  the  man  that 

needlessly  sets  foot  upon  a  worm. — Cowper. 
Faithful  are  the  rebukes  of  a  friend. — Solomon. 
He  who  merits  friends  will  find  friends. 
Everybody's  friend  is  nobody's  friend. 
Seekest  thou  a  faithful  friend? — get  thee  a  dog. 
A  true  friend  "sticketh  closer  than  a  brother." 
The  friends  thou  hast,  and  their  adoption  proved, 
Grapple  them  to  thy  soul  with  hooks  of  steel. 

— Shakespeare. 

(I   think   Shakespeare   wrote   the  word   "hooks" 


LACONICS  117 


instead  of  "hoops."  Shakespeare  was  a  careful 
chooser  of  words — a  master  of  pure  "English 
undefiled."  It  is  difficult  to  imagine  how  one 
could  "grapple  with  hoops."  Hooks  of  steel 
were  in  use  in  his  day;  hoops  of  steel  were 
not.—//.  L.  G.) 

Frog.     Better  be  a  big  frog  in  a  little  puddle,  than 
a  little  frog  in  a  big  puddle. 

Froth.    When  the  pot  boils  the  froth  conies  to  the 

top. 

The  mob  is  like  lager  beer — the  froth  on  top. 
All  froth  and  no  beer. 
Full  of  froth  and  fury,  he  rants  before  the  jury. 

Frugality.     He  is  the  least  in  want  who  wants  the 

least. 

Save  your  pennies  and  your  pennies  will  save  you. 
Monie  wee  bits  mak  a  muckle. 

Fruit.    The  blossom  withers  when  the  fruit  appears. 
The  fairest  fruit  may  have  a  worm  in  it. 
The  best  fruit  ripens  late. 
Don't  pluck  the  apple  till  it  is  ripe. 
The  fig-tree  that  fails  to  bear — root  it  out, — plant 

potatoes. 

Every  family  tree  bears  some  bad  fruit. 
Each  tree  is  known  by  its  fruit;  of  thorns  men  do 

not  gather  figs,  nor  of  a  bramble  bush  gather 

they  grapes. — Jesus. 
By  their  fruits  ye  shall  know  them. — Jesus. 

Fury.    Let  rage  waste  itself  in  idle  fury. 
Fury  is  fit  for  wild  beasts,  not  for  men. 
Full  of  froth  and  idle  fury. 


118  LACONICS 


Future.     The  future  grows  out  of  the  present  and 

the  past. 

An  old  man's  future  is  in  the  past. 
He  that  would   judge  the   future  must  know  the 

past. 
It  is  well  that  the  future  is  concealed. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
The  Future  is  written  in  the  past. 
We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the  infinite 

future. 
Take  care  of  the  present  and  the  future  will  take 

care  of  itself. 
With  his  eyes  on  the  future  he  stumbles  through 

the  present. 

Let  futurity  shift  for  itself. — T.  G.  Smollett. 
Learn  the  future  by  the  past  of  man. 

— Thomas  Campbell. 
For  I  dipt  into  the  Future,  far  as  human  eye  could 

see, 
Saw  the  Vision  of  the  world,  and  all  the  wonder 

that  would  be. — Tennyson. 
Men  must  pursue  things  which  are  just  in  present, 

and  leave  the  future  to  Divine  Providence. 

— Bacon. 
She  knew  the  future,  for  the  past  she  knew. 

— John  Langhorne. 
The  present  interests  me  more  than  the  past,  and 

the  future  more  than  the  present." 

— Benjamin  Disraeli. 


LACONICS  119 


Gain.     In  a  bad  cause  it  is  better  to  lose  than  to 
gain. 

Dust  to  Dust : 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost  ? 
What  have  you  gained  if  you  strive  and  struggle 
all  your  life  to  gain  a  fortune  for  prodigals  to 
squander  ? 
He  takes  time  to  gain  time. 

Gambler.    A  gambler  is  a  pickpocket ;  in  the  end  he 
picks  his  own. 

Garment.     She'll  assume  a  garment  of  virtue,  if  it 
is  only  a  fig-leaf. 

Garden — gardener.     God  made  the  first  garden  and 

Cain  built  the  first  city. 

Every  man  and  woman  ought  to  be  a  gardener. 
We  are  all  in  God's  garden ;  let  us  root  out  the  weeds 

and  plant  potatoes. 
God  Almighty  first  planted  a  garden :  and  indeed  it 

is  the  purest  of  human  pleasures. — Bacon. 

Gather.     The  stone  that  is  rolling  can   gather  no 
moss. — Thomas  Tusser. 

General — generalship.     Napoleon  showed  his  great- 
est generalship  in  selecting  his  marshals. 
A  good  general  commands  himself. 
"What  makes  a  good  general?"  asked  Lincoln. 
"Bull-dog,"  said  General  Grant. 


120  LACONICS 


Generation.    A  generation  is  like  a  swarm  of  gnats 
— born  in  June — dead  in  October. 

Generous.     He  who  gives  to  every  beggar  beggars 

himself. 

Vanity  is  the  well-spring  of  much  generosity. 
He  who  gives  publicly  likes  to  see  his  name  in  the 

newspapers. 
Men   who   have  made   millions   generously   give   a 

fraction  to  universities  and  libraries  to  write  their 

names  over  the  doors. 
Be  generous  to  your  true  friends  and  don't  be  stingy 

with  yourself. 

Genius.     Genius  is  patience,  labor  and  good  sense. 
Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.    Art 
In  poet,  painter,  sculptor,  is  the  same : 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart ; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry. 
Genius  does  what  it  must  and  talent  does  what  it 

can. — Edward   Robert   Buhver   Lytton. 
An  eagle  egg  may  be  hatched  in  a  hen-coop. 

Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 

To  finest  silk :  the  lapidary's  skill 

Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will, 

And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. — Poetry. 

Genius  is  always  impatient  of  its  harness. — Holmes. 

Genius  begins  great  works,  labor  finishes  them. 

— Joubert. 

Talent  repeats;  genius  creates. — E.  P.  Whipple. 
Genius  is  a  bundle  of  nerves  bent  to  hard  work. 
Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 


LACONICS  121 


He  wuz  a  genus ;  he  wore  long  bar  an'  writ  skim- 
milk  poetry  fer  the  Atlantic  Maggiezeen. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Gentleman.     I  can  make  a  lord,  but  only  God  Al- 
mighty can  make  a  gentleman. 

— James  I.  of  England. 
Once  a  gentleman,  always  a  gentleman. 

— After  Dickens. 

The  grand  old  name  of  gentleman. — Tennyson. 
"When  Adam  delved  and  Eve  span, 
Who  was  then  the  gentleman?" 
When  you  have  said  a  gentleman,  you  have  said 
all. — John  Crowne. 

Get.    It  is  easier  to  get  than  to  keep. 
It  is  hard  to  get  to  the  top:  you  can  slide  to  the 
bottom. 

Geology.     Geology  traces  the  foot-prints  of  Time. 
Geology  teaches  us  how  God  built  the  Earth. 

Giant.    O,  it  is  excellent  to  have  a  giant's  strength, 
But  it  is  tyrannous  to  use  it  like  a  giant. 

— Shakespeare, 

Giddy.     A  giddy  girl  makes  a  fool  of  her  mother 
at  twelve,  at  twenty  she  makes  a  fool  of  herself. 

Gift — give — giver.     Give  and  take,  but  don't  "give 

in." 

It  is  better  to  give  than  to  take. 
Don't  insult  the  worthy  giver  by  refusing  the  gift 
he  can  afford. 

Giggle.     Miss  Giggles  wuz  allus  a-gigglin';  she'd 
giggle  at  a  funeral. — Bronco  Bill. 


122  LACONICS 


Girl.    Hear  the  old  mother  talk !    You  would  think 

she  never  was  a  girl  herself. 
Some  women  are  always  girls  and  die  giggling. 
A  giddy  girl  makes  a  fool  of  her  mother  at  twelve, 

at  twenty  she  makes  a  fool  of  herself. 

Glitter.     Diamonds  are  only  stones;  'tis  the  glitter 
we  prize. 

Glove.    If  you  handle  nettles  put  on  gloves. 
Strike  your  friend  gently  with  a  gloved  hand. 
You  can  tell  a  sloven  by  the  fit  of  her  glove. 

Gluttony.    Where  one  dies  of  hunger  a  thousand  die 

of  gluttony. 

A  glutton  ought  to  be  a  scavenger. 
A  glutton's  guts  are  the  principal  part  of  him. 

God.  Know  only  this — there  is  a  Power  unknown, 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. — Beyond. 
Does  God  speak?  The  four  seasons  hold  on  their 

course  and  all  things  continue  to  live  and  increase. 

Yet,  tell  me,  does  God  speak? — Confucius  (Kung 

the  philosopher.) 

Everything  in  this  world  proclaims  the  existence  of 

God. — Napoleon. 
Put  your  trust  in  God,  but  be  sure  to  keep  your 

powder  dry. — Oliver  Cromwell  (to  his  soldiers  on 

crossing  a  river.) 

All  things  in  nature  bear  God's  signature 
So  plainly  writ  that  he  who  runs  may  read. — Men. 
From  thee  all  human  actions  take  their  springs, 
The  rise  of  empires  and  the  fall  of  kings. 

— Samuel  Boyse. 
A  God  alone  can  comprehend  a  God. — Young. 


LACONICS  123 


I  know  not  where  His  islands  lift 

Their  fronded  palms  in  air; 
I  only  know  I  cannot  drift 

Beyond  His  love  and  care. — Whittier. 
God's  perfect  order  rules  the  Universe. 

Hope  and  Trust. 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah,  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan ; 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just: 

Hope  and  Trust — Dust  to  Dust. 

Lo  all  pervading  Unity  is  His; 

Lo  all  pervading  Unity  is  He: 

One  mighty  heart  throbs  in  the  earth  and  sea, 

In  every  star  through  heaven's  immensity; 

And  God  in  all  things  breathes,  in  all  things  is. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Measure  for  measure,  measure  God  by  man  ? 
God  gives  us  nothing  but  life,  all  else  he  sells  to 

us  at  a  fair  price. 
God  pays  us  what  we  earn — in  the  coin  of  His 

realm. 
To  every  bud  and  blade  of  grass  Heaven  gives  its 

drop  of  dew. — Chinese. 
Thou  are  the  god  of  thine  idolatry. 
The  fool  fashions  God  after  himself. 
The  years  of  God  are  one. 
Time    hath    not    touched    the    great     All-father's 

Throne. — Beyond. 

Gold — golden.     The  golden  age  is  the  age  of  gold. 
Fish  with  a  golden  hook. 
Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills 


124  LACONICS 


While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

— Men. 

Confucius  preached  the  "Golden  Rule"  five  hundred 
years  before  Jesus  was  born — "Do  not  unto  others 
what  you  would  not  they  should  do  unto  you." 

— Kung,  the  philosopher. 
"And  as  ye  would  that  men  should  do  to  you,  do  ye 

also  to  them  likewise." — Jesus. 
This  is  surely  the  "Golden  Age" — we  worship  the 

"Golden  Calf." 

The  golden  rule — quid  pro  quo. 
It  takes  a  gold-mine  to  operate  an  iron-mine. 
Don't  try  "to  gild  refined  gold"  with  brass, 
Or  "to  paint  the  lily"  with  a  paint-pot. 
Men'll  worship  a  ass  ef  he  carries  a  sack  uf  gold. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

The  strongest  castle,  tower,  and  town, 
The  golden  bullet  beats  it  down. — Shakespeare. 
Gold  is  tried  with  touchstone,  and  man  with  gold. 

— Chilon. 
Gone.    Gone  is  gone  and  you  needn't  chase  it. 

Good.     There  is  good  in  all   things  for  him  who 

knows  how  to  find  it. 

Every  creature  of  God  is  good. — First  Ep.  Tim. 
If  good  is  within  good  will  come  out. 
There  is  good  in  all  things  and  evil  in  all  things. 
Oh  yet  we  trust  that  somehow  good 
Will  be  the  final  goal  of  ill. — Tennyson. 
Learn  the  luxury  of  doing  good. — Goldsmith. 
Good  is  good,  but  the  best  is  better. 
Good  and  evil  are  born  from  the  same  womb  and 

rocked  in  the  same  cradle. 

He  is  one  uf  them  goody-goody  good-fer-nothins. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  125 


Your  over-good,  pretentious  people  are  thieves  and 
hypocrites. — Confucius   (Kung,  the  philosopher.) 

Good-bye.     Her  low  "good-bye"  and  tender  eye 
Implored  him  to  return  again. 

Good-breeding.    Good  seed — good  breed. 
Wisdom   and   virtue  are  gems — good-breeding   the 

setting. 
That  thorough-bred  was  born  in  Berkshire. 

Good  humor.     Good  humor  is  better  than  a  dress 
suit. 

Good-night.     Say  not  "Good-night,"  but  in   some 

brighter  clime 
Bid  me  "Good-morning." — Anna  L.  Barbauld. 

Good  times.    All  times  are  good  times  if  you  know 

what  to  do  and  how  to  do  it. 
He  never  ventured :  he    was    always    waiting    for 

"Good  Times." 

A  blacksmith  can  make  "good  times"  with  his  ham- 
mer on  his  anvil. 

The  "good  old  times" — all  times  when  old  are  good. 

— Byron. 

Goose.    Hear  the  fox  preach  to  the  geese ! 
Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape. 
When  the  coyote  yelps  corral  your  geese. 

Gospel.     The   gospel  of  God   is   written   on   every 
blade  of  grass. 

Gossip.     Gossip  and  Liar  are  twins. 
Her-say  is  hear-say. 

One  tongue  is  enough  for  gossip,  but  she  wags  it 
in  all  tongues. 


126  LACONICS 


She  sugars  her  tea  with  gossip  and  peppers  her 
chops  with  scandal. 

Govern — government.  A  wise  government  should 
lead  the  people. 

We  are  all  stock-holders  in  the  government — watch 
the  directors. 

Government  by  the  mob  is  anarchy. 

Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

The  people  en  masse  are  no  more  capable  of  mak- 
ing their  laws  than  making  their  watches. 

To  govern  well  one  should  first  learn  to  obey. 

Grain.    The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand, 
An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea. — Fame. 
A  grist  of  words  and  a  grain  of  sense. 
Don't  rub  a  man  against  the  grain. 

Grandfather.     He  is  but  an  echo  of  an  echo;  his 

grandfather  was  a  man. 
His  grandfather's  name  was  Gorilla. 
We  know  more  than  our    grandfathers    and    our 

grand-children  will  know  more  than  we. 

Grapes.     The  best  grapes  hang  highest. 
If  you  can't  reach  the  grapes  don't  cry  sour;  try 

a  step-ladder. 
Sweet  grapes  make  sour  wine. 

Gratitude.     The  gratitude  of  the  selfish  is  only  a 

bid  for  further  favors. 
If  you  do  a  "hog"  a  favor  he  will  only  grunt  his 

gratitude. 

The  still  small  voice  of  Gratitude. — Gray. 
The  gratitude  of  place-expectants  is  a  lively  sense  of 

future  favours. — Robert  Walpole. 


LACONICS  127 


Gravity.    Gravity  may  be  the  robe  of  wisdom  or  the 

cloak  of  a  dunce. 
Don't  imagine  yourself  the  center  of  gravity. 

Great — greatness.  The  great  are  great  only  be- 
cause we  are  little. 

Better  be  great  among  the  little  than  little  among 
the  great. 

It  is  better  to  be  great  in  little  things  than  little  in 
great  things. 

He  is  greatest  who  has  done  most  for  his  fellow 
men. 

The  beginnings  of  great  things  are  little  things. 

Greek.     Priests,  versed  in  dead  rituals,  in  dead  lan- 
guage deep, 

Talk  Greek  to  the  grex  and  Latin  to  their  sheep, 
And  feed  their  flocks  a  flood  of  cant  and  college 
For  every  drop  of  sense  or  useful  knowledge. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

Grief.     Pent  up  grief  rots  the  bones. 

Great  grief  cures  little  griefs. 

Don't  grieve  over  what  you  can't  help,  or  what  you 

can  help. 
Everyone  can  master  a  grief  but  he  that  has  it. 

— Shakespeare. 

Grief  was  petrified  in  her  face. 
She  wears  weeds  for  her  dead  husband  and  grieves 

for  a  live  one. 

Ground-floor.  He  got  in  "on  the  ground-floor" — 
and  staid  there. 

Grumble.  He's  got  thet  itch  called  the  "grum- 
bles."— Bronco  Bill. 


128  LACONICS 


Grumblin'  don't  put  no  sugar  in  the  coffee  when  thar 
ain't  none. — Bronco  Bill. 

Guest.     Unbidden  guests 
Are  often  welcomest  when  they  are  gone. 

— Shakespeare. 

He  is  the  guest  of  Greed  and  Grind. 
Welcome  the  coming,  speed  the  going  guest. — Pope. 
The  poet  is  the  guest  of  Solitude. 
Like  some  poor  nigh-related  guest. — Coleridge. 

Guilt — guilty.     Guilt  fears  its  own  shadow. 
"How  say  you,  guilty  or  not  guilty,"  said  the  judge 
to  Pat,  indicted  for  larceny.    "Bless  yer  sowl,  how 
the  divil  can  Oi  tell  till  Oi  hear  the  ividence?" 
said  Pat. 
To  spare  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the  innocent. 

— After  Lord  Coke. 
The  guiltiest  often  looks  the  most  innocent. 

Gunpowder.     Gunpowder  is  a  great  civilizer. 

Gunpowder  hez  made  more  "good  Injuns"  thun  all 

the  missionaries. — Bronco  Bill. 
He's   tryin'   tu   make   a   brave  man   uf   hisself   by 

chawin'  gunpowder. — Bronco  Bill. 


H 


Habit.     Habit  is  as  powerful  as  a  pair  of  mules. 
All  men  are  slaves,  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  sordid  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  129 


How  use  doth  breed  a  habit  in  a  man. 

— Shakespeare. 

Man  is  a  bundle  of  habits. — Paley. 
The  best  way  to  cure  a  bad  habit  is  never  to  ac- 
quire it. 
Bad  habits  are  at  first  cobwebs,  at  last,  fetters. 

Hair.     He  whose  sinewy  arms 
Might  break  through  bars  of   steel  like  bands  of 

straw, 

Caught  in  the  net  of  her  unloosened  hair, 
A  helpless  prisoner  lies  and  loves  his  chains. 

— Change. 
The  golden  hair  that  Galla  wears 

Is  hers;  who  would  have  thought  it? 
She  swears  'tis  hers,  and  true  she  swears, 

For  I  know  just  where  she  bought  it. — Martial. 
Ah,  the  best  of  men  are  tangled — 
Sometimes  tangled  in  the  tresses 
Of  a  fair  and  crafty  woman. — The  Sea  Gull. 
They  war  ten  fut  tall,  an'  over  all 

A  bar-skin  tu  the  thighs,  sar ; 
Ther  legs  war  bar  axcept  the  har 

Frum  ther  toe-nails  tu  ther  eyes,  sar. 

— Bronco  Bill  (The  Vikings.) 
Half.     A  half  truth  is  a  whole  lie. 
Don't  be  half  and  half  in  anything. 
She's    his   better-half? — No,   sar;    she's    his   better 

forequarters. — Bronco  Bill. 

Hammer.     Men  of  mettle  are   made   between   the 

hammer  and  the  anvil. 
Hammer  away  till  the  job  is  done. 


130  LACONICS 


Hand.    The  hand  that  rocks  the  cradle 
Is  the  hand  that  rules  the  world. 

— William  Ross  Wallace. 
The  most  wonderful  tool  is  the  human  hand. 

Hand-saw — buck-saw.      He    lathers    you    with    a 
scrub-broom  and  shaves  you  with  a  hand-saw. 
He's  a  buck-saw  carpenter. 

Handsome.     Most  women  would  rather  be  hand- 
some than  good. 

A  handsome  woman  is  a  pit-fall  for  herself. 
Handsome  is  as  handsome  does. — Old  English  Prov. 

Hang.    We  must  all  hang-  together,  or  assuredly  we 
shall  all  hang  separately — Benjamin  Franklin  at  the 
signing  of  the  Declaration  of  Independence. 

Happiness — happy.     Happy  is  he  who  thinks  him- 
self happy. 

Had  man  the  blessed  wisdom  of  content 

Happy  were  he,  as  wise  Horatius  sung, 

To  whom  God  gives  enough  with  sparing  hand. 

— Men. 

How  bitter  a  thing  it  is,   to  look   into   happiness 
through  another  man's  eyes  ! — Shakespeare. 

You  cannot  weigh  happiness  with  scales  or  measure 
it  with  a  yard-stick. 

Fools  travel  in  search  of  happiness ;  a  wise  man  finds 
it  at  home. 

All  who  joy  would  win  must  share  it — Happiness 
was  born  a  twin. — Byron. 

Happiness  depends  more  on  health  than  wealth. 

Count  yourself  happy  if  God  gives  you  health  and 
work. 


LACONICS  131 


Hard.     It  is  hard  sledding  where  there  is  no  snow. 
A  hard  father,  a  hardy  son. 
It  is  hard  to  break  an  old  horse. 
Hard  to  teach  an  old  dog  new  tricks. 
He  who  bites  the  bars  of  fate  needs  hard  teeth. 

Hardship.    Power  is  developed  by  hardship. 
What  our  forefathers  considered  comfort  we  would 
call  hardship. 

Hare.    The  little  dogs  start  the  hare,  the  big  dogs 
catch  it. 

Harp.    The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  selfsame  tune 
Forever. — Change. 

The  only  harp  he  plays  on  is  a  Jew's  harp. 
He  is  always  harping  on  one  string. 
Thar's  Uncle  Isaac  standin'  in  front  uf  his  pile  uf 
ole  clo'es,  playin'  the  Lord's  Pra'r  on  a  Jew's  harp. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Harvest.    "What  will  the  harvest  be?" — What  was 
the  seed,  the  soil  and  the  cultivation? 

Haste — hasty.     Be  always  in  haste,  but  never  in  a 

hurry. 

Hurry  and  worry,  fluster  and  flurry. 
Who  judges  others  hastily,  condemns  himself. 

Hat.    A  silk  hat  is  a  fine  cover  for  a  cracked  pot. 
Hats  are  made  to  make  bald  heads. 
The  price  uf  thet  woman's  ombrella  hat  wud  buy'er 
ten  suits  of  clean  under-war. — Bronco  Bill. 

Hatch.    It  takes  a  long  time  to  hatch  stale  eggs. 
He    is    always    brooding,    but    never    hatches    a 
"chick." 


132  LACONICS 


When  the  "Lords  in  Council"  sat,  and  came  to  King 
James  for  advice,  he  said :  "Well,  my  Lords,  you 
have  set,  but  what  have  you  hatched?" 

Hate — hatred.     Hatred   is  a  hard  burden  for  him 

who  carries  it. 
His  face  is  petrified  Hate. 
I  hate  a  woman  in  pants  and  a  man  in  petticoats. 

Hay.     Make  hay  while  the  sun  shines  and  when  it 
rains  get  under  the  rick. 

Head.    Let  head  and  heart  go  hand  in  hand, 
Nor  one  behind  the  other; 
Then  where  the  head  may  find  a  man 
The  heart  will  find  a  brother. 
A  good  head  will  nae  be  in  want  of  a  hat. 
Carry  a  level  head  and  a  close  mouth  or  you  will 

spill  yourself. 

His  head  will  never  fill  his  pocket. 
There  can  be  but  one  head  to  a  happy  family. 
It  is  better  to  have  a  good  head  for  a  hat,  than  a 

fine  hat  for  the  head. 
Yer'll  git  nuthin  f rum  his  head ;  yer  might  ez  well 

try  tu  git  wool  shearin'  a  hydraulic  ram. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

His  head  is  too  big  for  his  pocket. 
God  gave  you  one  head  to  handle  two  hands. 
"Two  heads  are  better  than  one" — unless  they  are 

at  loggerheads. 
It  is  better  to  be  the  head  of  the  Commons  than 

the  tail  of  the  Lords. 
The  head  is  rare  that  conquers  the  heart. 
A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 
You  can't  get  to  the  head  without  a  head. 
Let  your  head  save  your  heels. 


LACONICS  133 


Ef  yer  head  is  clar  an'  yer  heart  is  stout,  yer'll  win 
out. — Bronco  Bill. 

Head-quarters.  When  General  McClellan  took  com- 
mand of  the  army  of  the  Potomac  he  announced 
that  his  head-quarters  would  be  "in  the  sad- 
dle." When  he  retreated  from  Virginia,  Lincoln 
said :  "Well,  General  McClellan's  head-quar- 
ters and  his  hind-quarters  have  both  escaped  from 
Virginia  in  the  same  old  saddle."  When  Lin- 
coln was  asked  after  the  fall  of  Vicksburg, 
where  Grant's  head-quarters  were,  he  replied : 
"General  Grant's  head-quarters  are  in  his  hat." 

Health.     Good  health  is  better  than  a  gold  mine. 
It  is  only  the  sick  that  know  the  value  of  health. 
Health  is  happiness. 

He  is  a  fool  who  would  sacrifice  health  for  wealth. 
He  travels  for  health:  he  could  find  it  in  his  own 

field. 
Har's   tu  yer   health,   pard :    I   guess   yer   got   the 

mumps. — Bronco  Bill. 

Hear.     Hear  both  sides  and  say  nothing. 
Who  talks  much  hears  little. 

Hearsay.     Hearsay  is  mostly  her-say. 
Hearsay  is  a  peddler  of  lies. 

Hearsay  may  become  common  report  and  condemn 
the  innocent. 

Heart.     What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the 

heart. 

The  well-spring  of  our  best  thoughts  is  in  the  heart. 
The  heart  of  a  minister  should  be  nowhere  but  in 

his  head. — Napoleon. 


134  LACONICS 


Nor  reason  rules  the  head,  but  aye  the  heart: 
The  head  is  weak,  the  throbbing  heart  is  strong; 
But  when  the  heart  is   right  the  head  is  not  far 

wrong. — The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Out  of  the  abundance  of  the  heart  the  mouth  speak- 

eth. — Luke  6-45. 
Where  there  is  nothing  in  the  heart,  the  head  must 

be  bad. — Napoleon. 
A  heart  grown  cold,  a  head  grown  gray  in  vain. 

— Shelley. 
I  will  pluck  it  from  my  bosom,  through  my  heart  be 

at  the  root. — Tennyson. 
The  head  is  ever  the  dupe  of  the  heart. 

— La  Rochefoucauld. 

Our  hands  have  met,  but  not  our  hearts. — Hood. 
A  pure  heart  has  a  clean  tongue. 
The  heart  speaks  all  tongues. 
Everybody  understands  the  language  of  the  heart. 
Human  hearts  beat  in  pairs. 
The  heart  of  a  woman  will  out-reason  the  head  of 

a  philosopher. 
A  willing  heart  finds  time. 
Pray  for  a  stout  heart  and  a  strong  arm. 

Heaven.     As  much  of  heaven  is  visible  as  we  have 
eyes  to  see. — Winter. 

Hedge.     Where   the   hedge   is   lowest   rogues   leap 
over. 

Heed.     Take  heed  of  a  silent  man  lest  you  stir  up 

a  lion. 

Take  heed  or  you'll  come  to  need. 
Take  heed  of  a  mule  behind,  and  a  fool  all  around. 


LACONICS  135 


Heir.     Man  is  the  heir  of  his  own  deeds. 
The  prodigal  heir  of  a  millionaire. 
A  young  lady  walking  on  the  Steyne  at  Brighton, 

met   Wilkes,   the   wit,   to   whom   she   remarked : 

"I  am  come  out  for  a  little  sun  and  air." 
"You  had  better  get  a  little  husband   first,"   said 

Wilkes. 
I  the  heir  of  all  the  ages,  in  the  foremost  files  of 

time. — Tennyson. 

Hell.     Harrow  hell  and  rake  up  devils. 
There  is   Hell   enough  on  earth,  what  need  of   a 
Hell  hereafter? 

Help.     A  man  is  his  own  best  helper. 

Help  is  a  hindrance  to  him  who  does  not  try  to 

help  himself. 
You  can't  help  a  man  who  will  not  help  himself. 

Hen.     It  is  a  sorry  coop  where  the  hen  crows  and 
the  cock  cackles. 

Heresy.     Better  heresy  of  doctrine  than  heresy  of 
heart. — Whittier. 

Hero — heroism.    Fortune  and  fortitude  make  heroes. 

As  wheat  is  winnowed  out  in  the  wind,  so  are  heroes 
winnowed  out  in  war. 

A  moral  hero  is  the  greatest  of  heroes. 

Don't  mistake  a  boaster  for  a  hero. 

Heroes  are  ever  modest. 

Men  who  were  moral  cowards  have  been  writ  into 
heroes  in  history. 

History  (his-story)  has  made  heroes  out  of  brag- 
garts. 

It  takes  a  brass-band  an'  a  staff  uf  press-reporters  tu 
make  a  hero  nowadays. — Bronco  Bill. 


136  LACONICS 


A  mere  brute  can  never  be  a  hero. 

A  real  hero  doesn't  need  a  megaphone  or  a  staff  of 

press-reporters. 
The  true  hero  has  a  kind  heart. 

Hew.     His  name  wuz  Hugh,  an'  he    hewed   tu   the 

line. — Bronco  Bill. 
No  matter  where  the  chips  fall, — hew  to  the  line. 

High-bred.  He's  one  of  them  hybred  fellers  with 
high  brows  an'  low  brains. — Bronco  Bill. 

Highway.     He  left  the  highway  for  a  by-way  and 

fell  into  a  fen. 

He  is  on  the  highway  to  fortune. 
He  is  on  the  highway  to  ruin. 

Himself.  He  who  serves  himself  has  a  good  ser- 
vant and  a  kind  master. 

He  who  disparages  himself  to  others  expects  praise. 

The  man  who  is  tired  of  himself  seeks  worse  com- 
pany. 

However  rich,  he  who  lives  for  himself  alone  is 
poor  indeed. 

A  man  can  bridle  a  wild  bronco  easier  than  he  can 
bridle  himself. 

He  knows  much  who  knows  himself. 

In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeavored  to  build  a 
monument  for  himself. 

There  are  only  two  luminaries  in  his  sky — himself 
and  the  sun. 

Who  has  not  known  ill  fortune  never  knew  himself. 

— Thomson. 

He  is  near-sighted ;  he  can  see  nobody  but  himself. 


LACONICS  137 


History.     History  should  be  spelled  H-i-s-s-t-o-r-y. 
All  history  is  the  register,  we  find, 
Of  the  crimes  and  lusts  and  miseries  of  mankind. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

History  is,  after  all,  a  crystallization  of  popular  be- 
liefs.— Donn  Piatt. 
History  is  little  else  than  a  picture  of  human  crimes 

and  misfortunes. — Voltaire. 
History  is  philosophy  teaching  by  example. 

— Bolingbroke. 

Most  history  is  a  mixed  mess  of  fact  and  fiction. 
Poetry  is  licensed  to  invent  history. 
History,  a  distillation  of  Rumor. — Carlyle. 

Hit.     How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss! 

— Men. 
If  you  would  hit,  take  aim. 

Hobby — hobby-horse.     Every  man  has  his  hobby  if 

it's  only  a  goat. 
Don't  waste  time  trying  to  put  a  bridle  on  a  man's 

hobby-horse. 

Get  thee  a  hobby-horse,  be  it  only  a  he-goat. 
Fast  horses  are  expensive,  but  hobby-horses  cost 

more. 

Astraddle  his  hobby  he  rides  like  a  Don. 
He  rides  a  hobby-horse  and  thinks  it  a  Pegasus. 
When  he  was  a  little  boy  he  rode  a  hobby-horse ;  he 

still  rides  a  hobby. 

Holiday.     There  is  no  holiday  in  the  calendar  of 

Nature — every  day  is  a  work-day. 
Holiday  was  at  first  a  Holy-day.    It  is  now  a  jolly- 
day. 

Holy.     Make  not  a  jest  of  that  which  is  holy. 


138  LACONICS 


Home.     A  home  is  home  if  it  is  only  a  hut. 
"Home,  sweet  home" — is  the  song  of  the  bees. 
The  homes  of  the  nation  are  the  bulwarks  of  per- 
sonal and  national  safety. — /.  G.  Holland. 

Homer.     But  for  Homer  we  would  have  no  Hector, 

no  Achilles. 

Seven  cities  strove  for  Homer's  bones,  'tis  said, 
Through  which  the  living  Homer  begged  for  bread. 

Honesty.     No  honest  man  has  need  of  a  rogue. 

It  is  hard  to  be  hungry  and  honest. 

Diogenes  went  with  a  lantern  in  search  of  an  hon- 
est man.  If  he  had  been  honest  himself  he  needn't 
have  gone  beyond  his  tub. 

Honesty  always  proceeds  on  a  straight  line. 

An  honest  man  is  not  hurt  by  the  bark  of  curs. 

None  so  much  resembles  an  honest  man  as  a  shrewd 
rascal. 

He  demands  double  pay  for  being  honest. 

Princes  and  lords  are  but  the  breath  of  kings, 

"An   honest   man's   the   noblest   work   of    God." — 

Burns  (quoting  from  Pope's  Essay  on  Man.) 
"Honesty   is    the   best   policy,"    said   a    Scotchman; 
"I  know  it,  mon,  for  I  have  tried  baith." 

Ef  he  hez  a  honest  har  on  his  head  it'll  be  the  fust 
tu  fall  out. — Bronco  Bill. 

Honey.     Honey  on  the  tongue — money  in  the  purse. 
Honey  is  easily  turned  into  vinegar. 
Flattery  is  honey-tongued. 
My  "honey"  is  over  in  Honey-loo-loo. — Bronco  Bill. 

Honor.     Honors  may  do  for  small  change,  but  they 

won't  pay  the  grocer. 
The  path  to  honor  is  up-hill. 


LACONICS  139 


Great  honors  are  great  burdens,  but  most  men  think 
their  shoulders  broad  enough  to  bear  them. 

Deserve  honor  and  you  will  honor  yourself. 

Guard  your  honor  as  you  guard  your  life. 

Honor  cannot  long  outlive  honesty. 

But  the  jingling  of  the  guinea  helps  the  hurt  that 
Honour  feels. — Tennyson. 

The  fear  o'  hell's  a  hangman's  whip 
To  haud  the  wretch  in  order ; 

But  where  ye  feel  your  honor  grip, 

Let  that  aye  be  your  border. — Burns. 

"Honors  are  aisy,"  said  Pat  when  he  kicked  a  jack- 
ass and  the  jack  kicked  him. 

Hope.     Lose  hope,  lose  all. 
Hope:  don't  mope. 
The  star  of  hope  lights  the  shadow  of  death. 

For  aye  since  the  morning  of  man — 

Since  the  human  rose  up  from  the  brute 

Hath  Hope,  like  a  beacon  of  light, 

Like  a  star  in  the  rift  of  the  storm, 

Been  writ  by  the  finger  of  God 

On  the  longing  hearts  of  men. — Lines,  etc. 

Hope  stays  with  those  who  have  nothing  else. 

— Thales. 
He  that  lives  upon  hopes  will  die  fasting. 

— Franklin. 

The  miserable  have  no  other  medicine, 
But  only  hope. — Shakespeare. 
Hope  is  the  dream  of  a  man  awake. — Aristotle. 
Hope,  ahead;  regret,  behind. 
Hope  is  eggs  on  toast  for  breakfast,  meat  for  dinner 

and  bones  for  supper. 
Pity  the  man  who  has  outlived  his  hopes. 


140  LACONICS 


Spring  follows  winter  and  the  day  the  night. 

Hornet — hornets'-nest.     Attack  a  hornets'  nest  with 

fire. 

Poke  a  hornets'-nest  with  another  man's  nose. 
As  well  poke  your  nose  into  a  hornets'-nest  as  in  a 
war  among  women. 

Horse.  Don't  buy  a  raw-boned  horse ;  you  might 
as  well  try  to  fatten  a  fanning-mill  by  running 
oats  through  it. 

A  he-goat  is  better  than  no  horse. 

Allus  trade  a  ole  hoss  fer  a  young  hoss  an'  git 
suthin'  tu  boot. — Bronco  Bill. 

Hot.     A  little  pot  with  little  in  it 
Will  get  red-hot  in  about  a  minute. 
A   soldier   who   had   been   stationed   at  Yuma   for 
a  year  died  and  was  sent  to  Hell;  in  less  than  a 
week  he  sent  back  for  his  blankets. 

— Phil.  Sheridan. 
A  hot  head  soon  gets  bumped  against  cold  facts. 

Hour.     If  an  hour  escapes  you  in  the  morning  you 

won't  catch  it  before  midnight. 
When  the  hour  strikes — strike. 

House.     A  house  should  be  built  for  yourself — not 

for  the  eyes  of  others. 
Two  small  rooms  and  lots  of  love  make  a  palace  for 

a  pair. 

The  man  that  builds  and  wants  wherewith  to  pay 
Provides  a  home  from  which  to  run  away. — Young. 
Houses  are  built  to  live  in,  and  not  to  look  on. 

— Bacon. 
He'd  burn  his  house  to  get  rid  of  the  rats. 


LACONICS  141 


Human — humanity.     If    you    would    learn    human 

nature  study  all  manner  of  men. 
We — all  of  us — are  human,  except  the  other  brutes. 
Humanity  embraces  a  few  wise  men,  many  good 

men,  and  a  lot  of  brutes. 
He  is  hardly  human  who  has  merely  shed  his  gorilla 

teeth  and  his  monkey  tail. 
It  takes  ages  to  evolve  the  human  from  the  brute. 

Humbug.     Ignorance  is  not  so  damnable  as  humbug. 

— George  Eliot. 
The  American  people  like  to  be  humbugged. 

— P.  T.  Barnum. 

Thou  little  thinkest  what  foolery  governs  the  world. 

— Selden. 

Humor.     Thet  feller  cain't  see  a  pint  er  feel  a  joke; 
he  hain't  got  no  "funny-bone." — Bronco  Bill. 

Hunger.     Hunger  will  make  a  watch-dog  a  thief. 
Hungry.     A  hungry  man  dreams  of  a  feast. 

Hungry  for  hope,  they  gulp  a  moldy  creed 

And  dine  on  faith. — The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

Hungry  men  are  always   radicals. 

Hungry  for  the  sapless  husks  of  fame. 

Hunt — hunter.     Plenty  of  hunting,  but  no  game. 

Don't  hunt  for  trouble — you'll  find  enough  without. 

A  mighty  hunter,  and  his  prey  was  man. — Pope. 

She's  like  a  ole  crow  huntin'  fer  carrion  in  a  grave- 
yard.— Bronco  Bill  on  Harriet  Beecher  Stowe. 

He  wuz  huntin'  fer  trouble,  an'  he  didn't  hev  tu  go 
fur. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  wuz  a  mighty  hunter — with  his  pen  an'  his  mag- 
giephone. — Bronco  Bill. 


142  LACONICS 


He  is  always  hunting  for  a  "soft  job"  while  his  wife 
and  children  are  hunting  for  bread. 

Hurry.     Hurry  and  worry  cost  much  and  accom- 
plish little. 

In  a  hurry,  in  a  flurry. 
Hurry  and  worry: — in  any  weather — go  together. 

Hurt.     Nae  man  is  sae  soon  healt  as  hurt. 

— Scotch  Prov. 

Husband.     Where  the  husband  is  fire  and  the  wife 
is  tow, 

A  wee  little  match  and  a  wee  little  scratch 

Will  start  a  big  blaze  and  a  deil  of  a  row. 

The  calmest  husbands  make  the  stormiest  wives. 

Honor  the  woman  who  mends  her  husband's  stock- 
ings and  sews  on  his  shirt  buttons. 

It's  a  poor  coop  where  the  cock  cackles  and  the  hen 
crows. 

He  wuz  a  husband  and  she  wuz  a  wife ; 

She  hed  a  mop-stick  an'  he  hed  a  fist; 

An'  they  kissed  an'  they  fit,  an'  they  fit  an'  they 
kissed, 

An'  ground  out  a  litter  uf  "brats"  at  a  grist — 

All  the  days  uf  ther  life. — Bronco  Bill. 

Hypocrisy.     Hypocrisy  is  the  mother  of  knaves. 
The  hypocrite  steals  with  one  hand  and  gives  alms 

in  public  with  the  other. 
A  hypocrite  prays  in  public  that  he  may  prey  upon 

his  fellow  men. 

He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 
And  preys  on  the  people  the  rest  of  the  week. 
His  words  were  softer  than  oil,  yet  they  were  drawn 

swords. — King  David. 


LACONICS  143 


The  hypocrite  hae  meikle  prayer  an'  sma'  devotion. 

— Scotch  Proverb. 
And  seem  a  saint  when  most  I  play  the  devil. 

— Shakespeare. 
Hypocrisy   is   the   homage   which   vice    renders   to 

virtue. — La  Rochefoucauld. 

Your  over-good,  pretentious  people  are  thieves  and 
hypocrites. — Kung,  the  Philosopher  (Confucius). 


But  what  am  I? 
An  infant  crying  in  the  night; 
An  infant  crying  for  the  light; 
And  with  no  language  but  a  cry. — Tennyson. 
The  first  and  last  letter  in  his  alphabet  is  /. 
He's  writin'  his  orter-biography :  he  hez  jist  got  tu 

his  sixteenth  year  an'  he  hez  used  up  all  the  big 

I's  in  the  print  shop. — Bronco  Bill. 

I  can't.     "I  can't"  never  can. 

Ice.     Cold  as  ice,  cruel  as  a  tigress. 

Idea.     The  most  frightful  idea  that  has  ever  corroded 
human  nature,  the  idea  of  eternal  punishment. 

— Vauvenargues. 

He  is  the  greatest  artist  who  has  embodied,  in  the 
sum  of  his  works,  the  greatest  number  of   the 
greatest  ideas. — Ruskin. 
Early  ideas  are  not  usually  true  ideas. 

— Herbert  Spencer. 
Ten  thousand  great  ideas  filled  his  mind ; 


144  LACONICS 


But  with  the  clouds  they  fled,  and  left  no  trace 

behind. — James  Thomson. 
"She's  got  an  idee! — jist  think  uf  it! — the  very  idee 

uf  hi"— Bronco  Bill. 
Yer  hev  got  an  idee  in  yer  head,  Jo? — Hang  ontu 

it,  ef  it  don't  hurt  yer  tu  much;  yer'll  never  git 

anether. — Bronco  Bill. 

He's  a  poet,  (er  thinks  he  is)  ;  he  lives  on  skim-milk 
an'  sweet  idees. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ideals.     Dreamed — O    my   soul,   and   was   it    all    a 

dream  ? 

We  chase  the  ideal  and  miss  the  real. 
How  often  the  ideal  has  become  the  real. 
The  ideal  precedes  the  real. 
The    "ideal"    led    Columbus    to    the    discovery    of 

America. 
To  nurse  a  blind  ideal  like  a  girl. — Tennyson. 

Idle — idleness. 

Idleness  is  full  of  envy. 

The  indolent  man  waits  for  something  to  turn  up; 

the  diligent  man  turns  it  up  himself. 
Satan  finds  some  mischief  still 
For  idle  hands  to  do. — Isaac  Watts. 

Idol — idolatry.     In  this  age  men  no  longer  worship 
idols  in  brass  or  stone,  but  they  still  have  an  idol — • 
"the  Almighty  Dollar." 
Thou  art  the  god  of  thine  idolatry. 
Idolatry  began  in  the  garden  of  Eden  and  will  end 
only  with  the  end  of  man. 
'Tis  mad  idolatry 
To  make  the  service  greater  than  the  god. 

— Shakespeare. 


LACONICS  145 


His  idol  is  idleness. 

Custom,  the  world's  great  idol,  we  adore. 

— John  Pomfret. 

If.     Drop    your    "ifs"    and    your    "buts"    and    butt 

into  it. 
He  would  have  caught  the  hare,  but  he  stumbled 

over  an  "if." 
He  butts  you   with   his   "buts"   and   ifs  you   with 

his  "ifs." 

Ignorance.     Ignorance   is   the   mother   of  supersti- 
tion. 

The  only  victories  that  leave  no  regret  are  those 
which  are  gained  over  ignorance. — Napoleon. 

There  is  no  obstinacy  like  ignorance. 

The  ignorant  carry  burdens  for  the  wise. 

The  devil  is  still  abroad  in  the  world ;  his  other  name 
is  Ignorance. 

To   be   ignorant   of   your   ignorance   is    the   worst 
ignorance. 

Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 

And  stubborn  Science  shakes  her  shining  lance 

Full  in  the  face  of  stolid  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Ignorance  and  Fear  go  hand  in  hand. 

Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand ;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Ignorance  and  arrogance  are  twins. 

Hate  and  mistrust  are  the  children  of  blindness; — • 
Could  we  but  see  one  another,  'twere  well ! 


146  LACONICS 


Knowledge  is  sympathy,  charity,  kindness, 
Ignorance  only  is  maker  of  hell. 

— William   Watson. 
Ignorance  is  not  innocence,  but  sin. 

— Robert  Brozvmng. 
Ignorance  is  the  curse  of  God, 

Knowledge  the  wing  wherewith  we  fly  to  heaven. 

— Shakespeare. 

Ignis   Fatuus.     Don't   chase  an    ignis    fatuus, — hoe 

your  potatoes. 

He  chased  an  ignis  fatuus  till  he  fell  into  the  fen. 
That  ignis  fatuus,  the  real  devil. 

Imagine.     We   easily   imagine    what   we    earnestly 

desire. 

He  imagined  he  had  a  gold  mine,  but  found  it  only 
a  hole  in  the  ground. 

Imitation.     The    monkey    imitates    man    and    man 

imitates  the  monkey. 

Imitation  is  as  good  as  gold  till  some  "hard-head" 
rings  it  on  the  counter. 

Immodesty.     Immodesty  is  become  fashionable. 
What    is    modesty? — it    is    one    thing    among    the 
Hottentots,     and     quite     another     among    white 
women. 

Immortal — Immortality.     And  is  there  life  beyond 

this  life  below? 

Aye,  in  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light,  on  angel  wings  to  range 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 


LACONICS  147 


What  is  the  soul  and  whither  will  it  fly? 

We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die, 

But  lives  and  lived  through  all  eternity, 

And  ever  turns  from  hoary  age  to  youth : 

And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason, 
Plato,  thou  reasonest  well ! — 

Else  whence  this  pleasing  hope,  this  fond  desire, 

This  longing  after  immortality? — Joseph  Addison. 

If  I  err  in  this,  that  I  believe  the  souls  of  men  to  be 
immortal,  I  err  of  my  own  free  will. — Cicero. 

Pars  tui  melior  immortalis  est, — the  better  part  of 
you  is  immortal. — Seneca. 

Immortal  for  a  day. 

My  dog  Tiger  hez  jist  ez  good  a  right  tu  immor- 
tality ez  I  hev:  he's  the  better  dog  uf  the  tew. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Ef  men  air  immortal,  I  wud  believe  thet  every  livin' 
cratur  is  immortal  tu,  ef  it  wuzn't  fer  the  fleas  an' 
skeeters. — Bronco  BilL 

He  caught  the  tail  of  Immortality  and  flew  flaming 
through  imaginary  heavens. 

Impatience.     A  little  impatience  pricked  into  some 
men  with  a  hair-pin  might  be  good  medicine. 

I  like  to  see  a  man  a  little  impatient;  "he  means 
business." 

Imperfection.     Look  not  for  faultless  men  or  fault- 
less art; 

Small  faults  are  ever  virtue's  parasites ; 
As  in  a  picture  shadows  shows  the  lights, 
So  human  foibles  show  the  human  heart. — Poetry. 


148  LACONICS 


Impossible — impossibility.     Everything    is     impos- 
sible to  him  who  is  afflicted  with  the  Cant's. 
"Impossible?"  said  Napoleon,  "that  word  is  not  in 
my  dictionary."    He  found  it  at  Waterloo. 

Improvidence.     Go    to    poverty    and    improvidence 

for  dogs  and  children. 

Waste,  idleness  and  improvidence  are  the  banes  of 
the  poor. 

Impulse — Impulsive.     Do   it   on   the   impulse   of   a 

week. 

Impulsive  people  make  most  mistakes. 
A  man  or  woman  without  a  generous  impulse  is  a 

relic  of  the  "Ice  Age." 

In.     Ef  it  ain't  in  'im,  it  cain't  come  out. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Income.     See  that  your  out-go  is   less  than  your 

income. 
He  lives  on  the  out-come. 

Inconsistency.  Our  opponents  set  our  inconsistency 
before  us  as  a  stumbling  block. 

It  is  better  to  be  inconsistent  than  to  be  wrong. 

The  man  who  is  never  inconsistent  is  not  made  of 
bones,  blood  and  brains, — he  is  hewn  out  of 
granite,  and  stands  a  dumb  monument. 

Inconstancy.  Constantly  inconstant  and  fickle  as 
a  fly. 

Incredulity.     Wise    men    there    be — for    owls    are 

counted  wise — 

Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  paths  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. 


LACONICS  149 


"It's  true  indade,"  said  Pat,  "but  Oi  don't  belave  it."* 

Indigestion.     Better     have     little     food     for     your 

stomach  than  little  stomach  for  your  food. 
That  little  judge  with  squint  eyes  has  a  wonderful 
digestion ;   he   has    digested   all   the   digests ;   no 
wonder  he  squirms  on  the  bench. 

Indirection.     By  indirection  find  direction  out. 

— Shakespeare. 

Individuality.  As  an  individual,  you  are  an  indi- 
vidual ;  but  you're  only  a  little  pollywog  in  the  big 
frog-pond. 

Indolence.     Indolence   is  the  dry-rot  of  body  and 

mind. 

Indolence  hatches  a  brood  of  evils. 
Indolence  grows  on  people.     The  less  one  does  the 

less  he  can  do. 
Indolence  is  a  dog's  life. 

Industry.     Industry  is  the  alchemy  that  turns  all 

things  into  gold. 

The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed: 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 
Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 

In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 
Poets  are  born,  not  made,  some  scribbler  said, 
And  every  rhymster  thinks  the  saying  true : 
Better  unborn  than  wanting  labor's  aid ; 
Aye,  all  great  poets,  all  great  men,  are  made 
Between  the  hammer  and  the  anvil. — Poetry. 

Infidel.  Thet  ole  mool  is  a  infidel :  yer  kin  lead  'im 
up  tu  "the  Fountin  uf  Life,"  but  yer  cain't  make 
'im  drink. — Bronco  Bill. 


150  LACONICS 


Infinite.     We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the 

infinite  future. 
In  the  finite  find  the  infinite. 

Information.     "I  need  reliable  information,"  said  a 

member  of  Congress. 
"Nobody  needs  it  more,"  said  his  opponent. 

Ingratitude.     Ingratitude    is   a    crime    so    shameful 
that  no  man  will  acknowledge  himself  guilty  of  it. 
The  hog  munching  acorns  under  the  bountiful  oak 
may  grunt,  but  he  never  looks  up. 

Inherit — inheritance.  Leave  your  son  education, 
honesty  and  industry :  they  are  the  best  inheritance. 

We  inherit  "way  back"  to  the  monkey,  the  crocodile 
and  the  devil-fish. 

He  inherits  his  follies  from  himself. 

Injury.  He  who  does  you  an  injury  will  never  for- 
give you  for  it. 

If  you  have  done  an  injury,  go  like  a  man,  acknowl- 
edge and  repair  it. 

An  injury  to  the  state  is  an  injury  to  every  citizen. 

You  cannot  wrongfully  injure  another  without  in- 
juring yourself. 

Injustice.     He  that  defends  injustice  commits  it. 

Inn.     Whoe'er  has  traveled  life's  dull  round, 

Where'er  his  stages  may  have  been, 
May  sigh  to  think  he  still  has  found 

The  warmest  welcome  at  an  inn. — Shenstone. 
Shall  I  not  take  mine  ease  in  mine  inn? 

— Shakespeare. 

Innuendo.     Innuendo  is  the  argument  of  a  coward. 


LACONICS  151 


Inquiry.     If  you  would  know  your  faults  inquire  of 
your  enemies. 

"Ins."  In  pollytics  the  "ins"  allus  hev  tu  fight  fer 
it  tu  stay  in  an'  keep  the  "outs"  out. — Bronco  Bill. 

Insanity.     The  marrow-maddening  canker-worm  of 

love. 

Feeds  on  the  brains  of  wise  men  as  on  fools'. — M en. 
He  is  insane  ?  Of  course  he  is ;  everybody  is  insane. 
There  are  different  degrees  of  insanity — from  Plato 

and  Cato  down  to  the  driveling  idiots  that  write 

"spring  poetry"  for  the  magazines. 

Insight.  Insight  is  the  sixth  sense;  all  the  other 
senses  contribute  to  it. 

Insignificant.  Even  the  low  hum  of  the  little  mos- 
quito is  significant. 

In  his  own  conscious  insignificance  he  trusts. 
Thar  ain't  no  nothin'  insignificant  in  this  world — not 
even  a  durn  little  corn  on  yer  toe. — Bronco  Bill. 

Instinct.     Instinct  is  inherited  reason. 
Behold  the  brutes'  unerring  instinct  guides 
True  as  the  pole-star,  while  man's  reason  leads 
How  oft  to  quicksands  and  the  hidden  reefs. — Men. 

Intention.  They  say  Hell  is  paved  with  good  in- 
tentions ;  that  kind  of  pavement  would  wear  out 
in  a  week  on  Wall  Street. 

Interest.     Most    men    carry    their    hearts    in    their 

pockets. 
Little  Hebrew — "Vater,  dies  book  say  dot  de  monish 

don't  bring  de  happiness." 
Father — "Dot  ish  drue.  mein  sohn;  it  ish  not  de 


152  LACONICS 


monish  vat  bring  de  happiness,  it  ish  de  interest 
on  de  monish  vat  bring  de  happiness." 

Intolerable.     Intolerable — a  talkative  man  who  has 
nothing  to  say. 

Intoxication.     The  best  of  life  is  but  intoxication. 

— Byron. 

Irish.     Yer  kin  tame  most  Irishmen  ef  yer  ketch 

'em  early  an'  put  a  halter  on  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 
With  big  bar-traps  and  Danemark  dogs 
They  ketched  wild  Irish  in  ther  bogs. 
They  skinned  an'  tuck  ther  hairy  pelts 
Fer  bench-rugs  in  ther  ^Eger-Sal: 
They  biled  the  hams  with  cod  an'  clams, 
An'  held  Gut-fest  with  song  an'  brawl. 

— Bronco  Bill  (The  Vikings). 


Jackass.     The  bray  of  a  jackass   is   music   to   the 

whole  herd  of  asses. 
If  he  won't  kick  when  he's  kicked,  he  is  only  a 

donkey. 
Never  strike  a  jackass,  Jo,  yer  might  hit  yer  own 

father. — Bronco  Bill. 

Jealousy.     Trifles  light  as  air 
Are  to  the  jealous  confirmations  strong 
As  proofs  of  Holy  Writ. — Shakespeare. 
Jealousy — 'tis  the  green-eyed  monster. 

— Shakespeare. 

Jest.     Jests  are  jests,  but  wasps  are  wasps. 


LACONICS  153 


That  jest  is  a  good  one,  it  has  stood  the  test  of  time. 

The  Right  Honorable  gentleman  is  indebted  to  his 
memory  for  his  jests,  and  to  his  imagination  for 
his  facts. — Richard  Brinsley  Sheridan. 

Jew.     Yer  kin  see  'im  all  day  long,  in  front  uf  his 
clothin'   shop,   harpin'   on  a  Jews-harp. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Jewfish.     Ef  yer  wanter  ketch  a  jewfish,  Jo, — 

An'  a  devil-fish  yer  don't  want'er — 
Jist  bait  yer  hook  with  a  nickel  er  tew, 

Er  a  few  ole  clo'es,  an'  he'll  run  his  nose 
On  thet  thar  bait  ez  'twas  a  plate 

Uf  mountin  oysters  on  a  free-lunch  counter. 

— Bronco  Bill — Cozvboy  Ballads. 

Jewels.     "These  are  my  jewels." — Cornelia,    Mother 
of  the  Gracchi,  presenting  her  sons. 

Jilted.     Better  be  courted  and  jilted 

Than   never   be   courted   at   all. — Thos.    Campbell 

(1824). 

('Tis  better  to  have  loved  and  lost 
Than  never   to   have  loved   at  all. — Tennyson,   In 
Memoriam,  published  in  1850.     (XXVII  4 —  re- 
peated LXXXV— 1). 

— See  Arthur  H.  dough's  Peschiera. 

"  'Tis  better  to  have  fought  and  lost 

Than  never  to  have  fought  at  all." — Published  in 

1849. 
See    Congreve—  (1670-1728)— The     Way    of    the 

World,  Act  2—1—  . 
"Say  what  you  will,  'tis  better  to  be  left,  than  never 

to  have  been  loved." 


154  LACONICS 


Jim  Hill.     "Jim  Hill  is  a  robber'"  said  the  Governor 
of  Minnesota.    "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens  of 
thousands,  you  are  doing  your  'level  best'  to  pull 
down  the  bakery."  replied  Hill. 

Job.  In  the  cities  men  are  hunting  for  jobs;  in  the 
country  the  fields  are  crying  for  men. 

He  is  hunting  for  a  "soft  job"  while  his  wife  is  hunt- 
ing for  bread. 

"Be  ye  wantin'  a  job?"  said  the  section  boss  to  a 
tramp.  "Ef  it  be  an  aisy  wan,"  said  the  hobo. 
"Gwon;  ye'll  find  it  in  the  jail,"  said  the  boss.  * 

"Is  our  old  pard  Mac  out  of  a  job?"  asked  Sam. 
"No;  sure  he  hev  a  good  long  wan,"  said  Ryan. 
"Where?"  asked  Sam.  "In  the  pinetintiary,"  re- 
plied Ryan.  * 

Joke.     He  that  laughs  at  his  own  joke  makes  stale 

beer  of  it. 

A  joke  without  wit  is  a  joke  on  the  joker. 
He's  ful  uf  jokes,  but  yer  cudn't  make  a  dab  uf 
butter  frum  the  cream  uf  all  on  'em. — 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Joy.     No  joy  without  annoy;  no  gold  without  alloy. 

Judge.     You  can't  judge  the  inside  by  the  outside. 
If  you  would  justly  judge  the  conduct  of  another, 

get  into  his  shoes. 
Judge  not,  and  ye  shall  not  be  judged. — Jesus,  Luke 

6-37,  R.  V. 
A  just  judge  will  have  two  ears  open;  a  narrow 

judge,  but  one. 
He  is  a  little  judge — just  big  enough  to  wiggle  on 

the  bench. 


LACONICS  155 


Thar's  a  little  squint-eyed  jedge  in  Los  Angeles  who 
kin  see  a  knot-hole  whar  thar  ain't  none,  an  crawl 
thro'  it  himself. — Bronco  Bill. 

A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by  a  woman. 

The  rogue  judges  everybody  by  himself. 

Judgment.     Wit  and  good  judgment  make  a  strong 

man. 

'Tis  with  our  judgments  as  our  watches ;  none 
Go  just  alike,  yet  each  believes  his  own. — Pope. 

Jury.  The  aim  of  our  laws  and  the  practice  of 
our  courts  is  to  get  twelve  "damphools"  into  a 
jury-box. 

And  wretches  hang  that  jury  men  may  dine. — Pope. 
Instead  of  hanging  the  felon  they  "hung"  the  jury. 
A  few  drops  of  salt  water  from  a  woman's  eyes 
often  win  the  verdict  of  a  jury. 

Just.     O  fickle  Fortune,  how  thy  favors  fall, 
Like  rain,  upon  the  just  and  the  unjust. — Pauline. 

Only  the  actions  of  the  just 

Smell  sweet  and  blossom  in  the  dust. — /.  Shirley. 

Be  just,  and  fear  not. — Shakespeare. 

Justice.     Justice  is  blind  in  one  eye  and  cross-eyed 

in  the  other. 

Justice  is  blind,  'tis  said,  and  deaf  and  old ! 
But  in  her  scales  can  hear  the  clink  of  gold. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
How  often  cross-eyed  Justice  hits  amiss. — Men. 
If  you  ask  justice,  do  justice. 
Justice  is  the  noblest  virtue  of  all. 
Justice  is  true  mercy :  who  spares  the  guilty  punishes 

the  innocent. 


156  LACONICS 


Who  judges  others  hastily  condemns  himself. 

Justice  is  blind,  'tis  said,  and  deaf  and  old ! 

Oft  with  her  poise  shrewd  villains  play  their  tricks ; 

They  sometimes  touch  her  sacred  scales  with  gold, 

And  soil  her  sandaled  feet  in  politics. 

Someone  asked  Confucius,  "How  do  you  regard  the 
principle  of  doing  good  for  evil?  Kung  replied, 
"What  then  is  to  be  the  return  for  good?  Rather 
should  you  return  justice  for  justice  and  good  for 
good." 


K 

Kick.     If  you  kick  all  the  stones  in  your  path  you 

will  have  sore  toes. 

Ef  he   won't  kick   when   he's   kicked   he's   only   a 
donkey, — Bronco  Bill. 

Kill.     To  kill  time  is  to  kill  yourself. 
In  war  both  sides  kill  men  for  God's  sake. 
It  is  easier  to  kill  than  to  cure. 
He  cured  the  disease :  he  killed  the  patient. 

Kind.     Kind  hearts  are  more  than  coronets, 
And  simple  faith  than  Norman  blood. — Tennyson. 

Kindness.     Goats'  milk  is  good  for  invalids,  but  the 

milk  of  human  kindness  is  good  for  everybody. 
Kill  your  enemies  with  kindness. 
Human  kindness  is  sometimes  cruelty. 
The  cruelty  of  Nature  is  kindness. 
"He  gives  ye  the  milk  av  human  kindness  widout  ony 

crame  on  it,"  said  Pat.* 
A  fellow-feeling  makes  one  wondrous  kind. 

— David  Garrick. 


LACONICS  157 


"A  feller  feelin'  makes  one  wondrous  kind," 
Said  the  grass-wider — when  she  changed  her  mind. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Kindle.     The  heart  is  kindled  by  the  lips  of  love. 
One  little  boy  with  a  fire-cracker  can  kindle  a  fire 
that  the  whole  "Department"  can't  put  out. 

Kingdom.     An  acre  of  earth  is  worth  more  than  a 
kingdom  in  the  clouds. 

Kinsman — kin.     The  rich   man  has   many  cousins. 
You  are  nearest  kin  to  yourself. 
We  are  akin  to  all  mankind  and  second  cousins  to 

the  apes. 
One  touch  of  nature  makes  the  whole  world  kin. 

— Shakespeare. 
My  kin  are  the  kin  of  the  world. 

Kiss.     Kiss  a  Chicago  suffragette?     I'd  ez  soon  kiss 

a  tom-cat. — Bronco  Bill. 
Thy  favors  are  the  silly  wind 

That  kisses  ilka  thing  it  meets. — Burns. 
Jesus  wuzn't  the  on'y  man  thet  hez  bin  betrayed  by  a 

kiss. — Bronco  Bill. 

Kitchen.     The  nation  lives  on  the  kitchen. 
The  kitchen  is  the  most  important  room  in  the  house. 
The  kitchen  costs  less  than  the  parlor. 
A  fat  kitchen  makes  a  pleasant  home. 
Don't  scrimp  the  kitchen  to  put  pictures  in  the  front 

hall. 

A  slut  in  the  kitchen,  a  sloven  everywhere. 
The  woman  who  looks  often  in  her  mirror  seldom 
looks  in  her  kitchen. 


158  LACONICS 


I  don't  care  how  many  girls  a  woman  has  in  her 
kitchen,  she  ought  to  be  there  often  herself. 

— Hetty  Green  (richest  woman  in  the  world). 

Knave.     Where  fools  are  scarce  knaves  go  hungry. 
He  can  tell  a  knave  by  his  own  looks  in  the  glass. 
The  biggest  knaves  often  wear  angel  faces. 

Know.     The  more  we  learn  the  less  we  know  we 

know. 
What  you  know  is  a  drop ;  what  you  don't  know  is 

an  ocean. 
What  man  knows  is  but  a  grain  of  sand  in  the  whole 

universe. 
It  is  easier  to  know  what  should  be  done  than  how 

to  do  it. 
When  a  man  knows  that  he  knows   but  little  he 

knows  something  worth  knowing. 
He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 
The  man  who  knows  the  least  talks  the  most. 
She  knows  but  little,  but  she  knows  too  much. 

'Tain't  no  use  tu  send  a  brayin'  ass 

Tu  eny  cullege-school, 
Fer  the  less  he  knows  the  more  he  knows, 

Like  eny  ether  fool. — Bronco  Bill. 

Knowledge.     Great  knowledge  is  great  doubt. 

To  acquire  knowledge  and  not  use  it  is  to  gather 
seed  and  never  sow. 

Boil  your  knowledge  down  into  practical  common- 
sense. 

We  can  at  most  know  but  little;  let  us  know  that 
little  well. 

Knowledge  is  power. — Bacon. 


LACONICS  159 


Knowledge  comes  but  Wisdom  Lingers. 

— Tennyson. 

Knowledge  is  proud  that  he  has  learned  so  much, 
Wisdom  is  humble  that  he  knows  no  more. 

— Cowper. 

If  he  knew  more  he  would  know  less. 
The  feller  thet  don't  know  nothin'  allus  knows  it  all. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Knowledge  begins  with  doubt. 
He  who  knows  but  little  is  a  long  time  telling  it. 
Virtue  is  safe  only  when  armed  with  knowledge. 
Zeal  without  knowledge  runs  into  ditches  in  broad 

daylight. 
If  you  would  know  how  much  any  man  knows,  find 

out  what  use  he  makes  of  it. 
Knowledge  sometimes  comes  too  early — often  too 

late. 
There  are  plenty  of  stumbling  blocks  in  the  path  of 

knowledge. 
I  niver  went  tu  cullege,  but  I  know  the  hoof-eend  uf 

a  mool's  hind-leg. — Bronco  Bill. 


Labor.     The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed ; 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 
The  cheapest  labor  is  the  dearest. 
Labor  is  light  when  your  heart  is  in  it. 
Labor  is  the  law  of  happiness. — Mme  de  Stael. 
The  fruit  of  labor  is  sweeter  than  a  stolen  peach. 
A  sacred  right  of  man  is  the  right  to  work. 

Lackey.     Better  be  a  gentleman's  lackey  than  a  beg- 
gar's dog. 


160  LACONICS 


Ladder.  "Heaven  is  not  reached  by  a  single  bound ; 
But  we  build  the  ladder  by  which  we  rise 

From  the  lowly  earth  to  the  vaulted  skies, 

And  we  mount  to  the  summit  round  by  round." 

.— 7.  G.  Holland. 

The  heights  by  great  men  reached  and  kept, 
Were  not  attained  by  sudden  flight, 

But  they,  while  their  companions  slept, 

Were  toiling  upward  in  the  night. — Longfellow. 

Who  will  mount  the  ladder  must  begin  at  the  low- 
est step. — German  Proverb. 

Most  men,  ef  they  git  part  way  up  the  ladder,  kick 
it  out  frum  under  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

Lady.     She  only  is  a  lady  who  is  kind  to  everybody. 
It  don't  take  silks  and  satins  to  make  a  lady: 
Nature  makes  ladies,  fashion  makes  fools. 

Lamb.     When  the  leopard  lies  down  with  the  lamb, 

look  for  the  lamb  inside  the  leopard. 
"Mary  bed  a  little  lamb" :  it's  a  pore  ole  sheep  now, 
an'  allus  wuz. — Bronco  Bill. 

Lame.     Walk  with  the  lame  and  you  will  learn  to 

limp. 

His  excuse  is  lame ;  it  needs  crutches. 
His  argyment  limps  like  a  boss  on  three  legs. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Land.  He  who  owns  an  acre  of  land  owns  to  the 
center  of  the  earth  and  up  to  heaven. 

Don't  divide  your  lands  till  you  fold  your  hands. 

Your  land  will  not  plow  and  plant  itself  and  harvest 
the  crop. 

I  have  not  yet  found  the  land  where  lemons  and 
sugar  and  ice  grow  on  the  same  tree. 


LACONICS  161 


Language.     He   can    speak   ten   languages,   but   he 

can't  talk  common-sense  in  one. 
He  can  smatter  in  ten  tongues. 

He  handles  the  English  language  with  kid  gloves. 
Carlyle  handled  English  with  bare  fists,  Shakespeare 

with  bare  hands. 
They  have  been  at  a  great  feast  of  languages,  and 

stolen  the  scraps. — Shakespeare. 
The  universal  language  is  a  cry  and  a  moan. 

Lark.     A  leg  of  a  lark  is  better  than  the  breast  of 
a  buzzard. 

Up  from  the  dewy  meadow  wheels  the  lark, 
And  trills  his  welcome  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  another  day  of  labor  is  begun. — Poetry. 
She  went  out  fer  a  "lark,"  an'  kim  home  without  her 
feathers. — Bronco  Bill. 

Lass.     The  wisest  man  the  worl'  e'er  saw 
He  dearly  loved  the  lasses,  O. — Bums. 

Auld  Nature  swears  the  lovely  dears 
Her  noblest  work  she  classes,  O ; 

Her  prentice  ban'  she  tried  on  man, 

And  then  she  made  the  lasses,  O. — Burns. 

Last — laster.     "I  have  pegged  my  last,"  sighed  the 

dying  cobbler. 

He  spoiled  at  last  a  skillful  laster, 
To  make  a  durn  poor  poetaster. 

Late.     "Better    late    than    never,"    said    the    priest 
when  the  pardon  arrived  just  after  the  execution. 
Never  too  late  to  mend ; 
Never  too  stout  to  bend. 
Too  late  to  the  feast ;  the  dogs  have  the  bones. 


162  LACONICS 


Laugh — laughter.     If  you   laugh   at  others,   others 

will  laugh  at  you. 

He  laughs  with  one  eye  and  winks  with  the  other. 
Loud  laughter  fits  the  mouth  of  a  fool. 
She  is  so  full  of  laughter  that  she  giggles  at  a  funeral. 
He  who  is  laughed  at  by  fools  is  praised  by  the  wise. 
Laughter  is  catching. 

A  good  laugh  is  sunshine  in  a  home. — Thackeray. 
The  laughing  animals  are  man,  the  owl  and  the  ass. 

Laurel.    For  sluggard's  brow  the  laurel  never  grows. 

— Thomson. 

Law.     The  laws  of  man  must  not  conflict  with  the 

laws  of  Nature. 

Laws  grind  the  poor  and  rich  men  grind  the  laws. 
(From  Goldsmith's  line:    "Laws  grind  the  poor 
and  rich  men  rule  the  laws.") 

Rigorous  law  is  often  rigorous  injustice. — Terence. 
Where  law  ends,  tyranny  begins. — Pitt. 
The  more  laws  the  more  law-breakers. 
The  more  laws  the  more  lawyers ;  the  more  lawyers, 

the  more  law-suits. 
What  power  hath  the  law  without  public  opinion 

behind  it? 
The  multitudinous  meshes  of  the  laws  strangle  our 

liberties. 
We  suffer  alike  from  too  much  law  and  too  much 

liberty. 

"The  law  is  a  stately  tree,"  said  Lord  Coke. 
"But  it  has  many  bad  "limbs,"  remarked  a  barrister. 
Laws  ketch  the  little  bugs ;  the.  "big  bugs"  slip  thru, 

Bill. 


LACONICS  163 


Law-suit.  Success  in  a  law-suit  requires  a  big 
purse,  a  sharp  lawyer,  good  witnesses  and  twelve 
of  your  friends  on  the  jury. 

A  bottle  of  beer  is  cheaper  than  a  law-suit. 

Never  buy  a  law-suit ;  better  buy  a  suit  of  clothes. 

Lawyer.     The  more  lawyers  the  less  justice. 
The  more  lawyers  the  less  murderers,  and  the  more 

juries,  are  hung. 

He  warms  up  with  Coke  and  mouths  his  Bacon. 
Nobody  charges  for  advice  but  the  lawyer  and  the 

doctor;  and  the  less  you  buy  of  them  the  better. 
If  you  want  to  get  into  trouble  consult  a  lawyer. 
Bill  Green  bet  ten  dollars  thet  tew  an'  tew  make 
four.     Lawyer  Quirks  tuck  the  bet,  an'  won  the 
money. — Bronco  Bill. 
Says  Tom  to  Harry,  "Can  you  tell 

How  lawyers  do  to  dress  so  well  ?" 
Says  Harry:     "Yes,  you  may  rely  on't, 

They  get  a  suit,  and  strip  a  client." 
The  lawyer  is  a  gentleman  who  rescues  your  estate 
from  your  enemies — and  keeps  it  himself. 

— Lord  Brougham. 

Lawyers'll  swar  at  each  other;  but  ef  yer  dispute 
ther  fees,  they'll  all  swar  fer  each  other. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
A   lawyer  afflicted   with   indigestion,   consulting   a 

physician,  asked : 

"Which  side  will  I  lie  on,  Doctor?" 
"You  will  lie  on  either  side,"  replied  the  doctor. 
Don't  employ  a  lawyer  thet  belongs  in  the  peni- 
tentiary, er  in  a  junk-shop,  er  a  grave-yard. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


164  LACONICS 


Laziness — lazy.  Laziness  is  a  disease  that  requires 
a  prod  to  cure  it. 

A  lazy  man  is  rarely  lazy  at  the  dinner  table. 

A  lazy  man  likes  to  fish. 

A  lazy  man  keeps  three  dogs  and  one  pig. 

Laziness  travels  so  slowly  that  poverty  soon  over- 
takes him. — Franklin. 

Most  lazy  men  have  the  "rumytics." 

A  lazy  farmer  is-  the  last  to  plow  his  field  and  sow 
his  seed. 

A  lazy  man  is  always  waiting  for  something  to 
turn  up. 

A  lazy  man  sits  on  a  log  and  waits  for  the  rabbit. 

A  lazy  man  waits  for  a  ride  in  another  man's  wagon. 

Lead — leader.     If  you  would  be  a  leader  take  the 

lead. 

A  flock  of  geese  always  has  a  leader. 
The  gander  leads  the  geese. 
A  good  soldier  will  follow  his  leader. 
When  we  think  we  lead  we  are  only  following. 
In  harvest  let  the  farmer  lead  his  harvesters  and  his 

grain  will  be  garnered. 

When  the  fox  leads  the  geese  there  will  be  plenty 
of  quacking. 

The  captain:  "Boys,  you  are  going  into  hell;  re- 
member your  country  and  follow  the  flag." 

"Plaze  take  the  lead  yerself,"  said  Private  Pat,  "an' 
we'll  folly  ye  te  the  gate,  sor."  * 

Learn.     Never  too  late  to  learn;  never  too  old  to 

get  burnt. 

Live  to  learn  and  learn  to  live. 
Learn  to  study  and  study  to  learn. 


LACONICS  165 


A  wise  man  keeps  on  learning  all  his  life. 

He  who  studies  in  the  school  of  time  may  learn  much. 

Learning.  Learn  alike  from  the  follies  of  the  fool- 
ish and  the  wisdom  of  the  wise. 

Learning,  like  gold  coin,  passes  current  in  all  coun- 
tries. 

Fill  the  basement  with  common-sense,  and  the  upper 
floors  with  learning. 

He  who  likes  to  show  his  learning  to  the  ignorant 
shows  his  ignorance  to  the  wise. 

Leisure.     Leisure  is  time  for  doing  something  use- 
ful.— Franklin. 
I  am  never  less  at  leisure  than  when  at  leisure. 

— Scipio  Africanus.    (Quoted  by  Cicero.) 

Liberality.     Don't    be    liberal     with    other    men's 

money. 
Be  liberal,  but  don't  forget  to  be  liberal  with  yourself. 

Liberty.     Liberty  and  Justice  are   Siamese   twins; 

when  one  dies  the  other  dies. 
He  that  roars  for  liberty 
Faster  binds  a  tyrant's  power. — Tennyson. 
License  they  mean  when  they  cry  Liberty. — Milton. 
Liberty  must  be  limited,  in  order  to  be  possessed. 

— Burke. 

The  true  pedestal  of  liberty  is  justice. 
When  liberty  slashes  the  scales  of  justice  she  is  fit 

for  a  mad-house. 

The  worst  tyranny  is  Liberty  run  mad. 
True  liberty  is  the  right  to  do  right. 
Give  the  ignorant  liberty  and  watch  the  cat-fight. 
Liberty  is  no  boon  to  the  ignorant. 


166  LACONICS 


O  Liberty !  Liberty  !  how  many  crimes  are  committed 

in  thy  name! — Madame  Roland. 
The  seeds  of  Liberty  have  ever  been  sown  in  blood. 

Lie — Liars.     The  liar  is  always  a  coward  and  the 

coward  is  always  a  liar. 
He  calls  everybody  a  liar  but  himself. 
He  lies  in  metaphors. 
Liars  begin  by  deceiving  others,  and  end  in  deceiving 

themselves. 

Out  of  the  womb  of  one  lie  are  hatched  a  whole  litter. 
He  patches  his  lies  with  bits  of  truth. 
A  lie  always  needs  a  truth  for  a  handle. 

— Henry  Ward  Bcecher. 
A  lie  that  is  half  a  truth  is  the  hardest  thing  to 

combat. 

Never  tell  a  lie,  but  do  not  always  tell  the  truth. 
The  most  dangerous  lie  is  a  half-truth. 
In  war-time  truth  is  filtered  through  a  lot  uf  liars 

before  we  git  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
A  lie  is  a  lie,  no  matter  who  utters  it. 
He  propped  the  truth  with  a  lie,  and  lost  his  case. 
He  that  does  one  fault  at  first, 
And  lies  to  hide  it,  makes  it  two. — Isaac  Watts. 
In  pollytics  ef  yer  lie  an'  stick  tu  it,  some  uf  it'll 

stick. — Bronco  Bill. 

Lying  is  weakness;  truth  is  health. — Arabian. 
He  wuz  fiddlin';  she  wuz  twinglin'  her  sweet  liar 

(lyre?) — Bronco  Bill. 
A  lie  cannot  stand  long  on  one  leg. 
He  that  spins  yarns  like  a  spider  will  get  caught  in 

his  own  meshes. 

It  is  hard  enough  to  maintain  the  truth,  but  harder 
to  maintain  a  lie. 


LACONICS  167 


"Man  everywhere  is  the  born  enemy  of  lies." 

— Carlylc. 

And  still  man  is  the  only  liar. 
A  lie  runs  fast,  but  truth  overtakes  it  at  last. 
"They  say"  is  a  liar. 

O  timid  Truth,  that  quails  before  the  fire, 
Thy  face  assumes  the  likeness  of  a  liar. 
One  truth  will  fit  in  with  any  other  truth ;  no  lie 

will  fit  another  lie. 
Never  turn  your  back  on  the  truth  and  always  face 

a  lie. 

Thet  feller  don't  need  no  bed:  he  kin  lie  anywhar. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He  ain't  egzacly  a  liar,  but  he  intentionally  misquotes 

the  truth. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  don't  mean  tu  be  a  liar,  but  his  tongue  is  loose 

an'  his  eyes  is  maggyfyin'  glasses. — Bronco  Bill. 

Life.     Life  is  the  mystery  of  mysteries. 
He  that  learns  most  lives  longest. 
A  little  gleam  of  time  between  two  eternities. 

— Carlylc. 

Only  those  live  who  do  good. — Tolstoi. 
Life  is  not  merely  to  breathe,  it  is  to  act. — Rousseau. 
Whilst  I  yet  live,  let  me  not  live  in  vain. — Addison. 
The  web  of  our  lives  is  of  mingled  yarn — good  and 

evil  together. — Shakespeare. 
Is  life  worth  living?    That  depends  on  the  liver. 
Life  is  half  spent  before  we  know  what  it  is. 
Life  is  more  than  half  spent  before  we  know  how 

to  live. 

All  life  grows  out  of  death. 
Life  is  a  work-day;  at  sunset,  rest. 


168  LACONICS 


We  can  all  see  how  we  ought  to  have  lived  in  the 
past,  and  how  we  should  live  in  the  future,  but  few 
see  how  to  live  now. 

We  have  life  from  the  womb  to  the  grave,  yet  we 
know  not  what  or  whence  it  is. 

Life  is  a  watch  or  a  vision 

Between  a  sleep  and  a  sleep. — Swinburne. 

And  so,  from  hour  to  hour,  we  ripe  and  ripe, 

And  then,  from  hour  to  hour,  we  rot  and  rot. 

— Shakespeare 

Most  men  live  behind  a  curtain. 

Life  is  about  what  we  make  it. 

Life  is  made  up  of  trifles — take  heed  of  the  trifles. 

Life  is  a  lesson  in  hind-sight. 

Life  is  tragedy  and  comedy  mixed. 

The  golden  rule  of  life  is  Quid  pro  quo. 

Light.     Men  lift  their  foreheads  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  the  reign  of  reason  is  begun. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Earth  wheeled  her  million  circuits  round  the  sun, 
While  man  from  bestial  dens  and  savagedom 
Slowly  uprose  and  groping  into  light, 
Stood  face  to  face  with  Facts. — Columbus. 
Light!— more    light!     (Licht! — mehr    licht!)— The 

last  words  of  Goethe. 
Excessive  light  is  total  darkness. 
Great  light  makes  great  shadows. 
We  stand  in  the  shadow  of  a  great  light. 
Light  and  darkness  are  all  one  to  a  blind  man. 
It  is  idle  to  hold  a  light  for  a  blind  man. 
And  God  said:    "Let  there  be  light;"  and  the  stars 
were  lit. 


LACONICS  169 


Lightning.  The  thunder  threatens,  but  the  light- 
ning strikes. 

Lincoln.     From  the  fetters  of  the  slave  he  forged 

the  weapons  of  the  free. 
When  the  time  is  ripe  God  sends  the  man. 

— Columbus. 

The  hand  was  the  hand  of  Lincoln,  but  the  will  was 
the  will  of  God. 

Link.     A  broken  link,  a  broken  chain. 
We  are  but  links  in  an  endless  chain. 
Through  us  the  infinite  past  is  linked  to  the  infinite 

future. 
The  marriage  ring  is  the  first  link  in  the  chain  of 

servitude 

The  weakest  link  breaks  the  chain. 
Lion.     A  lion  in  war,  a  lamb  in  peace. 
A  lion  at  a  distance  is  often  a  pussy-cat  when  you 

meet  him. 
Yer  cain't  make  a  lion  outer  a  nanny-goat. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

A  lion  never  wears  the  ears  of  an  ass. 
I'd  ruther  be  a  live  tom-cat  thun  tew  dead  lions. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Literature.  What  stacks  of  chaff  to  every  ounce  of 
wheat  the  literary  machines  of  the  day  thresh  out ! 

The  classic  is  always  modern. — Lytton. 

Don't  spoil  our  mother  English  with  puff-balls  and 
"punkin-sauce." 

You  can  never  read  bad  literature  too  little,  nor  good 
literature  too  much. — Schopenhauer. 

Most  modern  literature  is  plagiarism. 

Look  in  thy  heart  and  write. — Sir  Philip  Sidney. 


170  LACONICS 


Little — little  things.    Don't  be  little  in  great  things, 

nor  great  in  little  things. 
It  is  not  profitable  to  run  afar  after  the  shadows  of 

big  things  and  neglect  the  little  things  that  lie  all 

around  you. 

A  single  step  starts  the  journey. 
A  little  spark  may  start  a  big  fire. 
A  watch  ticks  one  little  tick  at  a  time,  yet  it  ticks 

away  a  day  before  you  know  it. 
Little  by  little — drop  by  drop — the  cask  is  drained. 
Little  dogs  start  the  hare;  the  big  dogs  catch  it. 
It  is  a  big  thing  to  do  a  little  thing  right. 
He  that  contemneth  small  things  shall  fail  by  little 

and  little. — Ecclesiastes,  O.  T. 
Vessels  large  may  venture  more, 
But  little  boats  should  keep  near  shore. 

— Benj.  Franklin. 
Too  much  is  as  bad  as  too  little. 
The  beginnings  of  all  great  things  are  little  things. 
Little  men  allus  think  they're  ten  times  bigger  thun 

they  air. — Bronco  Bill. 

Load.     A  man  never  knows  his  strength  till  he  has 

carried  a  load. 

No  man  walks  steadily  unless  he  carries  a  load. 
Multi-millionaire — an  ass  staggering  under  a  load  of 

bullion. 

Log-cabin.  A  log-cabin  is  a  palace  if  inhabited  by 
happiness. 

Lincoln  went  through  college  in  a  log-cabin. 

The  American  nation  was  born  in  a  log-cabin. 

Every  great  man  in  America  wuz  born  in  a  log-cabin 
but  me;  I  wuz  born  in  a  dug-out;  an'  I  dug  out 
intu  a  blizzard  uf  fame  an'  famine  an'  frost-bites. 


LACONICS  171 


I'm  gittin'  kinder  tired  uf  fame  an'  famine,  an'  I 
hev  a  hanker  fer  fried  "sow-belly  an'  flap-jacks." 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Lone.     Never  so  much  alone  as  when  alone  in  a 

great  city. 

1  have  the  best  company  when  alone  with  good  books. 
I  am  never  alone  when  all  alone. 
"It's  a  gra-at  comfort  te  be  all  alone  by  yerself," 
said  Pat,  "ef  ye  hev  yer  swateheart  wid  ye." 

Look — looks.     Yon'  Cassius  has  a  lean  and  hungry 

look; 
Such  men  are  dangerous. — Shakespeare. 

His  looks  do  not  belie  him ;  he  is  as  green  as  a 

cucumber. 
He  looks  ez  green  ez  a  goslin'  jist  hatched. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Look  ahead:  don't  be  etarnally  lookin'  behind. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Loquacity.     They  talk  most  who  have  the  least  to 
say. 

Lord.     What  devilish  crimes  have  been  committed 

in  the  name  of  the  Lord. 
He  lords  it  like  an  ass  in  uniform. 
He  lords  it  with  a  brass  band  and  a  big  stick. 
He  lords  it  like  a  grizzly  bear  in  a  drove  of  donkeys. 
He's  the  monarch  of  all  he  surveys ; 

His  right  there  is  none  to  dispute; 
From  the  center  all  round  to  the  seas 

He's  the  lord  and  the  fowl  and  the  brute. 

— Parody  on  Cowper's  Alex.  Selkirk. 

Lose.     Better  lose  a  leg  than  your  life. 
Loss.     A  loss  is  often  a  gain. 


172  LACONICS 


A  great  loss  is  sometimes  a  great  gain. 

Ef  yer  hain't  got  nuthin'  yer  cain't  lose  much. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Lost.     Where  you  lost  it  is  the  place  to  find  it. 
Don't  waste  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  looking  for 
a  lost  penny. 

Lot.     Be  content  with  your  lot — especially  if  it's  a 
corner  lot. 

Lottery.     In  the  lottery  of  life  the  best  draw  for  a 

poor  devil  is  his  last. 

If  you  have  a  hankerin'  to  play  the  lottery  the  best 
prize  you  can  draw  is  a  blank. 

Love.     The  sweeter  the  moments  the  swifter  they 

fly; 

Love  takes  no  account  of  the  fleeting  hours ; 

He  walks  in  a  dream  'mid  the  blooming  of  flowers, 

And  never  awakes  till  the  blossoms  die. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 
Baked  potatoes  and  salt  are  a  feast  when  love  sits 

at  the  table. 

Love  and  fear  rule  the  world. 
Love  makes  fools  of  the  wise. 
Love  does  more  mischief  than  good. — Napoleon. 
Let  no  man  think  he  is  loved  when  he  loves  nobody. 

— Epictetus. 

In  her  first  passion  woman  loves  her  lover; 
In  all  the  others  all  she  loves  is  love. — Byron. 
Man's  love  is  of  man's  life  a  part; 
'Tis  woman's  whole  existence. — Byron. 
Soon  or  late  Love  is  his  own  avenger. — Byron. 
Love  is  a  despot. 


LACONICS  173 


When  my  love  swears  that  she  is  made  of  truth, 

I  do  believe  her,  though  I  know  she  lies. 

— Shakespeare. 
She  fell  intu  love  at  fust  sight,  an'  when  the  judge 

pulled  'er  out  she  looked  like  a  drounded  gopher. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
The  mind  has  a  thousand  eyes ; 

The  heart  but  one : 
The  light  of  a  whole  life  dies, 

When  Love  is  done. — F.  W .  Bourdillon. 
Better  is  a  dinner  of  herbs  where  love  is  than  a 

stalled  ox  and  hatred  therewith. — Solomon. 

Love  is  both  credulous  and  jealous. 

Love  covers  many  faults. 

The  golden  rule  of  love — Quid  pro  quo. 

Is  it,  in  heaven,  a  crime  to  love  too  well? — Pope. 

Love  forgives  many  sins. 

—First  Ep.  Peter  (R.  V.},  4-8. 
Heav'n  has  no  rage  like  love  to  hatred  turn'd, 
Nor  hell  a  fury  like  a  woman  scorn'd. — Congreve. 
Calf  love  soon  becomes  sour  milk. 
Stay  me  with  flagons,  comfort  me  with  apples;  for 

I  am  sick  of  love. — King  Solomon. 
Love,  like  the  measles,  is  "ketchin." 
Love  at  first  sight?  Yer  better  look  twice. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Love-sick.     For    love-sickness    time    and    another 

"dear"  are  the  best  medicine. 
I  confess  on  my  knees  I  have  had  the  disease; 
It  is  worse  than  the  bites  of  a  thousand  fleas, 
And  the  only  cure  I  have  found  for  these  ills 
Is — a  double   dose  of  "Purgative   Pills." 

— Mrs.  McNair. 


174  LACONICS 


Lubricate.     Lubricate !  lubricate !  oil  prevents  fric- 
tion. 

Luck.     Luck  comes  to  him  who  works  for  it. 

Pluck  is  better  than  luck. 

Luck  follows  pluck. 

"Pitch  a  lucky  man  into  the  Nile  and  he  will  come 
up  with  a  fish  in  his  mouth,"  says  the  Arabian 
proverb.  They  tried  it  recently  and  the  poor 
fellow  went  down  in  the  jaws  of  a  crocodile. 

Jim  Hill— Jim  Hill,  yer  ful  uf  skill, 
Hard  work,  an'  pluck,   an'   luck,   Jim: 

I  niver  know'd  yer  duin'  ill, 
Er  quackin'  like  a  duck,  Jim. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads, 

In  hard  luck  hold  out,  in  good  luck  hold  in. 

Just  like  my  luck! — If  I  had  been  a  hatter,  little 
boys  would  have  come  into  the  world  without 
heads. — Edward  George  Bulwer  Lytton. 

Lust.     Lust  ends  in  disgust. 

Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust. — Dust  to  Dust. 

Luxury.     Luxury  breeds  lechery. 

Luxury  and  the  arts  flourish  together. 

Luxury  ! — Luxury ! — What  is  luxury  ? 

Baked  potatoes  and  salt  to  a  hungry  man,  a  raw 

fish  to  a  starving  Indian. 
Luxury  breeds  cowards. 
Republics  breed  thieves,  luxury  and  poverty. 

M 

Mad — madness.     All    men    were    mad    but    Burton 
and  he  died  of  "Melancholy." 


LACONICS  175 


Wisdom  and  madness  are  near  akin. 

There  is  only  a  thin  line  between  a  great  genius  and 

a  lunatic. 

It  is  madness  to  live  poor  to  die  rich. 
The  worst  of  madness  is  a  saint  run  mad. — Pope. 
Whom  the  gods  would  destroy  they  first  make  mad. 
The  one  thet  fust  gits  mad  's  most  allus  wrong. 

— Lo^vell. 

He  acts  the  mad-man  with  motive  and  method. 
He's  gone  mad,  he's  writin'  verses. — Bronco  Bill. 
Don't  never  go  mad  an'  try  tu  write  poetry,  onless 

yer've   bin   eatin'   green   cucumbers   an'   got   the 

belly-ache. — Bronco  Bill. 

Magnanimity — magnanimous.  Be  magnanimous  to 
your  friends  and — yourself. 

Magnanimity  is  wasted  on  a  jackass. 

He  wuz  a  magnannemus  "cuss" ;  a  ole  mool  kicked 
'im  in  the  stumick  an'  he  went  down  on  his  knees 
— an'  prayed  fer  the  mool. — Bronco  Bill. 

Main  Chance.     The  main  chance  is  the  best  chance. 

Majority.     The  wise  are  seldom  in  the  majority. 
Where  Grex  is  Rex,  God  help  the  hapless  land. 

— Men. 

The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind ; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar: 
As  full  of  freaks  as  curs  are  full  of  fleas, 
Like   flies   they   swarm,    like   flies    they    buzz    and 

breed. — Men. 

Hurray ! — Hurray ! — Hurray  ! — for   "Liberty"  ! 
Flaunt  the  red  flag  and  flutter  the  petticoat; 
Ran-tan  the  drums  and  let  the  bugles  bray, 
The  eagle  scream,  and  ninety  million  throats 


176  LACONICS 


Yell  Yankee-doodle,  Yankee-doodle-doo ! — Men. 
The  rule  of  the  majority  is  often  rank  tyranny. 
In  the  United  States  the  majority  is  authority. 
The  minority  has  no  rights  which  the  majority  feels 
bound  to  respect. 

Malice.     Malice  strikes  with  venomed  fang. 
He  is  a  little  man  that  harbors  malice. 
The  feet  of  malice  find  many  thorns. 

Man.     Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims; 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance ; 
Through  toil  and  martyrdom  a  million  years 
Struggling  and  groping  upward  from  the  brute, 
And  ever  dragging  still  the  brutish  chains. — Men. 
Princes  and  parasites  comprise  mankind. — Men. 
Where  one  man  is  born  to  lead,  ten  thousand  are 

born  to  follow. 
What  is  a  mountain  to  one  man,  is  a  mole-hill  to 

another. 
He  who  berates  mankind  should  remember  that  he 

is  one  of  them. 

A  man  must  be  something  to  do  something. 
"Gentlemen,"  cried  a   stump  speaker,   "is  not  one 

man  as  good  as  another?" 
"Av   coorse   'e   is,"   shouted   an   excited    Irishman, 

"an'  a  dom  sight  betther." 
In  all  nature  man's  worst  enemy  is  man. 
Man  is  midway  between  an  angel  and  a  brute. 
Man  concentrates  in  himself  the  whole  animal  king- 
dom— from  jelly-fish  to  jackass. 
Man  cannot  dispense  with  woman;  he  couldn't  be 

born  without  her. 
Man  is  a  miracle.     He  had  not  a  hatchet  to  begin 

with. — Behold  what  he  has  made! 


LACONICS  177 


Man  considers  himself  the  cause  and  aim  of  Crea- 
tion ;  so  does  the  mosquito. 

A  man  is  either  good,  or  good  for  nothing. 

They  say  a  mule  can't  change  his  mind — mule-men 
are  numerous. 

Man  is  at  bottom  a  brute. 

"Ransack  creation — in  and  out — 
Through  all  its  crooks  and  crannies, 

You'll  never  find  another  brute 

As  big  a  brute  as  man  is." — Henry  C.  Waite. 

Man  is  as  free  as  a  chained  dog. 

Every  man  is  good  for  something,  if  only  to  laugh  at. 

It  is  not  fair  to  measure  all  men  by  one  man. 

Man  cannot  cancel  a  word  that  Nature  has  written. 

The  proper  study  of  mankind  is  man. — Pope. 

An  honest  man's  the  noblest  work  of  God. — Pope. 

0  what  a  miracle  to  man  is  man  \— Young. 
How  poor,  how  rich,  how  abject,  how  august, 
How  complicate,  how  wonderful,  is  man ! — Young. 
Man  is  what  he  eats  (Der  mensch  ist,  was  er  isst.) 

— L.  Feuerbach. 
The  great  man  never  loses  his  child-heart. 

— Mencius. 

The  great  man  has  to  look  out  for  the  little  men. 
Man — the  aristocrat  among  the  animals. — Heine. 
We  must  laugh  at  man  to  avoid  crying  for  him. 

— Napoleon. 

There  are  two  levers  by  which  men  are  moved — fear 
and  interest. — Napoleon. 

1  have  thought  that  some  of  Nature's  journeymen 
had  made  men,  and  not  made  them  well,  they 
imitate    humanity    so   abominably. — Shakespeare. 

He  is  monarch  of  all  he  surveys, 


178  LACONICS 


His  right  there  is  none  to  dispute; 
On  the  land,  in  the  sky,  on  the  seas, 

He's  the  lord  and  the  fowl  and  the  brute. 

— Parody  on  Cowper's  Alex.  Selkirk. 
I  hold  it  true  with  one  who  sings 

To  one  clear  harp,  in  divers  tones, 
That  men  may  rise  on  stepping  stones 

Of  their  dead  selves  to  higher  things. — Tennyson. 

He  was  the  mildest-mannered  man 

That  ever  scuttled  ship  or  cut  a  throat. — Byron. 

Man's  inhumanity  to  man 

Makes  countless  thousands  mourn. — Burns. 

Men  shut  their  doors  against  a  setting  sun. 

— Shakespeare. 
The  world  smiles  sweetly  on  the  best  of  men  but 

twice,  when  he  lies  a  babe  in  his  mother's  lap,  and 

when  he  lies  dead  in  his  coffin. 

Management — manager.     Management  is  the  main 

thing. 

Good  management  achieves   success. 
He  wanted  a  manager  fer  his  business,  an'  he  dug 

one  up  outer  a  grave-yard. — Bronco  Bill. 

Manhood.     There   is   a   spark   of   manhood   in   the 
meanest  man. 

Manners.     Nothing  pays  better  than  good  manners. 
Fortune  waits  on  good  manners. 
Nothing  soils  fine  clothes  like  bad  manners. 
Good  manners  are  kindness  and  consideration  for 

others. 

Good  manners,  good  morals. 
Men  catch  their  manners,  like  the  measles,  from  the 

company  they  keep. 


LACONICS  179 


Marriage.  Choose  your  wife  as  you  would  your 
coat,  for  qualities  that  will  wear. 

By  the  time  a  man  really  knows  enough  to  marry 
he  knows  enough  not  to. 

Of  all  social  institutions  marriage  is  the  most  im- 
portant.— Napoleon. 

Before  yer  hitched  in  double  harness  look  well  tu 
the  ole  mare. — Bronco  Bill. 

Not  every  couple  make  a  pair. 

When  "two  are  made  one" — which  is  the  one? 

She  eloped  when  she  got  married,  an'  she  'loped  with 
anether  feller  a  year  arfter. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nine  times  out  of  ten  the  wife  is  what  the  husband 
makes  her. 

The  marriage  ring  is  the  first  link  in  the  chain  of 
servitude. 

Marriage  is  like  a  bird-cage.  The  birds  outside  are 
anxious  to  get  in,  and  the  "ins"  are  anxious  to 
get  out. 

When  the  man  is  fire  and  the  woman  is  tow 
A  wee  little  match  and  a  wee  little  scratch 

Will  start  a  big  flame  and  a  deil  of  a  row. 

It  is  too  early  to  marry  at  twenty-one,  at  one  hun- 
dred it  is  a  little  too  late. 

"I  believe  in  marrying  early — and  often,"  said  the 
"grass-vider." 

Martyr — martyrdom.  If  you  will  be  a  martyr  pro- 
vide for  your  family  beforehand. 

Every  man  is  willing  to  be  a  martyr  in  a  good  cause 
— if  he  can  see  money  in  it. 

The  fourteen  poor  women  the  Puritans  hanged  for 
witches  at  Salem  were  martyrs  to  cruel  super- 
stition. 


180  LACONICS 


Mask.     The  world  is  a  masked  ball,  and  you  are 

one  of  the  dancers. 

The  mask  falls  off  and  behold — the  lion  is  a  donkey. 
Nature  never  intended  man  to  wear  a  mask — she 

writes  him  on  his  face. 

Masses.     Politicians  pander  to  the  masses. 
The  masses  follow  the  bray  of  the  jackasses. 
The  masses  love  flattery  and  whoop  and  hurrah. 

Master.     Whatever  good  work  you  undertake,  mas- 
ter it. 

If  you  would  be  master  of  men,  master  yourself. 
We  cannot  all  be  masters. — Shakespeare. 

Matches.     "Matches  are  made  in  heaven"? 

Mistake,  my  dear,  they  go  off  at  a  scratch  and  you 

soon  smell  brimstone. 

Lord  Chesterfield  was  told  that  a  certain  termigant 
had  married  a  gambler.  He  replied — "Well 
mated ;  cards  and  brimstone  make  good  matches." 

Matrimony.     His  pulse  beats  matrimony. 
Try  matrimony,  my  dear  little  sonny, 
At  twenty-five  with  a  frugal  wife, 
And  lots  of  love  and  a  little  money. 
The  "outs"  want  in  and  the  "ins"  want  out. 

Matter.     We  are  three — 

Known,  yet  unknown — unfathomable  to  man — 
Time,  Space,  and  Matter  pregnant  with  all  life, 
Immortals  older  than  the  oldest  orb. 
We  were  and  are  forever:  out  of  us 
Are  all  things — suns  and  satellites,  midge  and  man. 

— Beyond. 


LACONICS  181 


We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die: 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason 
No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. — Beyond 
Worlds  wax  and  wane,  suns  crumble  into  dust, 
But  matter  pregnant  with  immortal  life, 
Hath,  since  the  white-haired  centuries  wheeled  the 

vast, 
Nor  lost  nor  gained.    Who  made  it,  and  who  made 

The  Maker? — out  of  nothing — nothing. — Beyond. 

Maxim.     Maxims    are    the    wisdom    of    the    world 
boiled  down. 
Don't  fire  maxims  at  us  with  a  Maxim  gun. 

May-be.     Ten  may-be's  don't  make  one  is. 
May-be's  fly  all  the  year  round. 
May-be's  and  "ifs"  fly  together. 
He  expects  his  honey  from  may-be's. 

Mayor.     If  you  would  reform  a  city,  start  in  on  the 
mayor  and  the  dog-catcher. 

Mean.     The  meanest  man  on  earth  is  he  who  be- 
trays a  friend. 

Means.     If  "the  end  justifies  the  means"  burn  your 
barn  to  get  rid  of  the  rats. 

Measure.     Don't  measure  every  man  by  yourself. 
Measure  the  ocean  with  a  drinking-cup ! 
Measure  eternity  by  the  town-clock! 
Nay,  with  a  yard-stick  measure  the  universe ! 
Measure  for  measure,  measure  God  by  man ! — Men. 


182  LACONICS 


Don't  measure  to  another  a  half  bushel  in  a  peck- 
measure,  "For  with  what  measure  ye  mete  it 
shall  be  measured  to  you  again." 

Meddle.     Meddle  and  muddle. — Lord  Derby. 

Medicine.     A  contented  mind  is  the  best  medicine. 
Take  your  "medicine"  like  a  man. 
The  medicine  that  cured  the  cobbler  killed  the  tailor. 
The  best  medicine  fer  a  hoss-thief  is  a  dose  uf  hemp. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

A  little  forethought  is  good  medicine  for  a  "sore- 
head." 

They  called  in  three  doctors,  an'  now  they're  hevin' 
a  "medicine-dance"  at  his  funeral. — Bronco  Bill. 

Meat.     What  is  one  man's  meat  is  another  man's 

poison. — Bacon. 
Some  hae  meat  and  canna  eat, 

And  some  wa'd  eat  that  want  it; 
But  we  hae  meat,  and  we  can  eat, 

And  sae  the  Lord  be  thankit. — Burns. 

Medium.     There  is  a  medium  between  a  fool  and 

philosopher. 

He  struck  a  "happy  medium,"  an'  she  "spirited" 
fifty  dollars  out  uf  his  pocket. — Bronco  Bill. 

Meet.     Meet  danger  half-way. 
Meet  a  coward  face  to  face  and  he  will  flunk. 
Meet  the  liar  face  to  face,  an'  make  'im  swoller  it. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Melancholy.     The  melon-colic  days  are  come, 

The  saddest  of  the  year, 
When  bad  boys  jump  the  melon-patch 
With  a  bull-dog  in  the  rear. — Parody. 


LACONICS  183 


Melancholy  ain't  no  good :  take  a  dose  uf  "spirits" 
and  git  rid  uf  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Memory.     It  is  not  easy  to  forget  what  we  do  not 

wish  to  remember. 

His  forgetery  is  better  than  his  memory. 
Our  memories  are  too  long  or  too  short. 
Let  memory  be  your  monitor. 
He  has  a  long  tongue  and  a  short  memory. 
"Old  and  a  mine  of  memories." — Tennyson. 
What  yer  don't  wanter  remember  allus  come  bobbin' 

up. — Bronco  Bill. 

Men.     Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and 

forget  your  virtues. 

Man  is  a  creature  of  a  thousand  whims, 
The  slave  of  hope  and  fear  and  circumstance. — Men. 
Men  seek  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills. 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  their  feet. 

— Men. 

Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves; 
Give  him  the  land  and  he  demands  the  sea ; 
Give  him  the  earth,  he  reaches  for  the  stars. — Men. 
I  had  rather  be  a  great  man  in  a  little  house,  than 

a  little  man  in  a  great  house. 
A  man  must  be  something  to  do  something. 
Men  have  been  learning  error  age  on  age, 
And  superstition  is  their  heritage, 
Bequeathed  from  age  to  age  and  sire  to  son 
Since  the  dim  history  of  the  world  begun. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
There  are  three  kinds  of  men — the  man  that  falls 

back,  the  man  that  sits  on  a  stool  and  grumbles, 

and  the  man  that  strides  forward  with  doubters 

hanging  to  his  coat-tail. 


184  L  A  C  O  N  I  C  S 


Men  do  not  lack  strength ;  they  lack  courage. 
The  nearer  you  get  to  a  great  man  the  smaller  he  is. 
However  we  brave  it  out,  we  men  are  a  little  breed. 

— Tennyson. 

Men  are  measured  by  what  they  accomplish. 
Men  are  led  by  their  desires. 
Men   admire  in  themselves   what  they  carp  at  in 

others. 

If  nature  can't  make  men  equal,  how  can  men  do  it? 
Men  are  rare, — there  are  millions  of   "two-legged 

animals  without  feathers." 
Men  mold  their  creeds  to  suit  their  interests. 
Men  are  only  grown-up  babies. 
Not  all  are  men  that  wear  the  human  form. 
Men  three  parts  made  by  tailors  and  by  barbers. 

— Burns. 
Everybody  likes  to  shake  hands  with  a  hand  full  of 

money. 

Men  are  mixtures  of  good  and  evil. 
By  their  fruits  ye  shall  know  them. — Jesus. 
It  is  not  fair  to  measure  all  men  by  one  man. 
Most  men  have  hind-sight,  some  fore-sight,  and  a 

rare  few  circum-sight. 
Hungry  men  are  always  radicals. 
Little  men  allus  think  they're  ten  times  bigger  thun 

they  air. — Bronco  Bill. 

Menagerie.  Pa,  our  family  is  a  menagerie.  We're 
all  animals.  Mother's  a  dear,  her  mother  is  an 
elephant,  baby  sister's  a  little  lamb,  brother 
Joe's  an  ass,  I'm  the  "kid,"  and,  Pa,  you're  the 
goat. 

Mend.     "Never  too  late  to  mend,"  said  the  cobbler, 


LACONICS  185 


when  there  was  nothing  left  of  the  shoe  but  the 

string. 

"Never  too  late  to  mend,"  never  too  stout  to  bend. 
It  takes  him  half  his  time  to  mend  his  "breaks." 

Mercy.     Nature    knows    no    mercy;    her    laws    are 

inflexible. 

The  quality  of  mercy  is  not  strained. — Shakespeare. 
Mercy  but  murders,  pardoning  those  that  kill. 

— Shakespeare. 

Where  there  is  doubt  let  mercy  decide. 
Can  the  merciless  expect  mercy? 
Turn  the  pore  hungry  "cuss"  over  tu  God's  mercy; 
thet  won't  cost  yer  nuthin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Merit.     Audacity  often  wins  where  merit  fails. 
On  their  own  merits  modest  men  are  dumb. 

— G.  Coleman,  (the  younger). 
Merit  is  worthier  than  fame. — Bacon. 
He  hez  got  a  merit-mark  on  his  neck,  said  Bronco 

Bill,  when  they  hung  the  horse-thief. 
Metaphor.     He  splits  his  metaphors. 

He  mixes  his  metaphors ;  he  hitches  an  eagle  to  a 

jack  rabbit. 
Metaphorically  speakin',  he's  a  durn  liar. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Metaphysics.     What    neither   speaker   nor    listener 

understands  they  call  "Metaphysics." 
Don't  physic  us  with  metaphysics. 
He  knew  what's  what,  and  that's  as  high 
As  metaphysic  wit  can  fly. — Butler. 

Method.     Method  is  a  time-saver. 
A  man  without  method  spends  half  his  time  hunting 
for  things  mislaid. 


186  LACONICS 


Nothing  contributes  more  to  despatch  than  method. 

— Chesterfield. 

Though  this  be  madness,  yet  there  is  a  method  in 
it. — Shakespeare. 

She  done  a  cold-blooded  murder,  an'  the  jury  let  her 
go  free,  'cuz  she  showed  a  lot  uf  method  an'  salt 
water,  an'  plead  insanitary. — Bronco  Bill. 

Mettle — metal.     Let  men  know  what  metal  you  are 

made  of. 
He  has  too  much  mettle  for  a  blind  "hoss." 

Midst.     Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand ;  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend, 
In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Blind  in  the  midst  we  grope  and  wait: 
We  only  know  this  midget,  man, 
May  never  trace  the  mighty  plan 
From  Chaos  to  the  Ultimate. — A  Message. 

Might.     In  war  might  is  the  measure  of  right. 
Right  makes  might  and  might  makes  right. 

Milk.     Goat's  milk  is  good  for  invalids,  but  the  milk 

of  human  kindness  is  good  for  everybody. 
For  they  sucked  the  milk  of  Freedom   in   their 

English  mother-milk. — Mother  England. 
Don't  be  a  ole  cow,  an'  let  everybody  milk  yer. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He  skims  the  milk  on  both  sides — top  and  bottom. 

Millennium.     "The  Millennium  hez  cum,  Jo: 
See  thar — the  wolf  lyin'  down  with  the  lamb." 
"I  see  the  wolf,  Bill,  but  whar's  the  lamb?" 
"He's  on  the  inside,  Jo." — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  187 


Millionaire.     One  bottle  of  wine  will  make  him  a 

millionaire. 

A  millionaire — a  profligate  heir. 
Multi-millionaire — an  ass  staggering  under  a  load  of 

bullion. 

It's  hardly  in  a  body's  power 
To  keep  at  times  frae  being  sour, 

To  see  how  things  are  shared; 
How  best  o'  chiels  are  whiles  in  want 
While  coofs  on  countless  thousands  rant, 

And  kenna  how  to  wair  't. — Burns. 

Mind.     Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent 

use; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 

The  mind  needs  a  change  of  food  as  well  as  the 

body. 

A  contented  mind  is  the  best  medicine. 
Mind  your  business  and  your  business   will  mind 

you. 
When  a  man  has  no  mind  of  his  own,  his  wife 

usually  gives  him  a  piece  of  hers. 
It  is  the  mynd  that  maketh  good  or  ill, 
That  maketh  wretch  or  happie,  rich  or  poore. 

— Spencer 
Mine.     Mine  is  mine  and  thine  is  thine. 

He  has  a  hole  in  the  ground  and  he  calls  it  a  mine. 
A   mining   deal   is   like   the   Bismarck   Gardens   in 

Chicago  where  it  costs  you  "two  bits"  to  get  in 

and  "four  bits"  to  get  out. 

Minority.     Wise  men  are  always  in  the  minority. 
In  politics  when  the  minority  has  the  chairman  the 
minority  has  the  majority. 


188  LACONICS 


"Mr.  Speaker,  Mr.  Speaker,"  cried  a  member  of 
Congress  when  Tom  Reed  was  in  the  chair,  "I 
doubt  if  this  resolution  has  the  majority." 

"It  has,  sir,"  said  Tom  Reed,  "I  am  the  majority." 

The  minority  is  always  on  the  wrong  side. 

Wise  men  air  allus  in  the  minority;  look  at  me. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Miracle.     God's  works  are  all  miracles. 
The  miracle  of  miracles  is  Man. 
A  fact  is  itself  a  miracle. 
Miracles  are  performed  by  mother  Nature. 
Truth  does  not  need  the  aid  of  miracles. 

— Robert  G.  Ingersoll. 
He  stands  thar  with  his  mouth  open,  hopin'  a  miracle 

'11  fall  intu  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

I  don't  believe  in  miracles ;  yer  cain't  feed  a  multi- 
tude with  five  "hard-tacks"  an'  tew  suckers. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Mirror.     There   is   no   better    mirror   than    an    old 

friend. 

Your  mirror  will  tell  you  what  few  of  your  friends 
will. 

Miser.     The  miser  does  not  own  his  gold;  his  gold 

owns  him. 

Epitaph  on  a  miser :  "Here  lies  the  worst  of  thieves 
— he  robbed  himself." 

Miserable.     Don't   make   yourself   miserable   today 
because  you  may  hear  bad  news  tomorrow. 

Misery.     Misery  is  in  the  mind.     Who  thinks  him- 
self miserable  is  miserable. 
Misery  acquaints  a  man  with  strange  bed-fellows. 

— Shakespeare. 


LACONICS  189 


Mis-fit.     The  wust  fit  any  feller  ever  fell  intu  is  a 

mis-fit  with  a  "grass-vider." — Bronco  Bill. 
His  fit  is  always  a  mis-fit. 

Misfortune.  Our  best  lessons  are  learned  in  mis- 
fortune. 

He  is  fortunate  who  can  bear  misfortune  nobly. 

How  patiently  we  endure  the  misfortune  of  others. 

Meet  misfortune  with  fortitude. 

He  who  can  bear  prosperity  wisely  can  bear  mis- 
fortune patiently. 

It  is  noble  to  rise  above  misfortune. — Napoleon. 

I  never  knew  a  man  in  my  life  who  could  not  bear 
others'  misfortunes  perfectly  like  a  gentleman. 

— Pope. 

When  misfortunes  come  in  flocks,  fire  a  battery  of 
maxims  at  'em. 

We  spend  half  our  lives  bewailing  misfortunes  that 
never  come. 

In  misfortune  repentance  begins. 

Mistake.     Mistakes  and  suffering  give  us  keen  eyes 

and  sharp  ears. 
The  man  that  never  made  a  mistake  never  made 

anything  worth  making. 

No  man  ever  made  a  mistake  by  doing  his  duty. 
Learn  from  the  mistakes  of  others. 
We  proclaim  our  triumphs  and  hide  our  mistakes. 
The  only  sensible  thing  he  ever  did  was  done  by 

mistake. 

Make  your  mistake  a  stepping-stone  to  success. 
Our   mistakes   educate  us. 

Mistrust.     Mistrust,  distrust. 

Moan.     The  song  of  songs  is  a  moan. 


190  LACONICS 


Mob.     The  mob — a  many-headed  brute. 
A  mob  is  a  monster  with  many  heads  and  no  brains. 
The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind ; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar. — Men. 
See  jealous  labor  strike  the  hand  that  feeds, 
And  burn  the  mills  that  grind  their  daily  bread. 

— Men. 
The  mob  is   like  blind   Samson   in   the   temple  of 

Dagon. 

The  fickle  mob  turns  to  every  breeze. 
Where  the  mad  mob  rules  Liberty  runs  mad, 
And   justice    dies.     *     *     *     *  — Men. 
O  was  the  blood  of  patriot  fathers  shed 
To  found  an  empire  governed  by  the  mob — 
Where  Freedom  falls  and  Anarchy,  instead, 
Teaches  her  hungry  wolves  to  rape  and  rob? 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 
Mockery.     Mockery  is  the  fume  of  little  hearts. 

— Tennyson. 

Modesty.     True  modesty  avoids  a  remote  sugges- 
tion of  evil. 

Modesty  wears  modest  clothes. 
The     belle     of     Wyomin' — Shy     Ann — is     naturly 
modest,  but  she  likes  tu  show  her  red  petticoat. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Modesty  does  not  long  survive  innocence. — Burke. 

Moments.     Moments  are  the  atoms  of  Eternity. 

Money.     Make  money  your  God  and  it  will  become 

your  Devil. 

Many  a  poor  boy  is  ruined  by  his  father's  money. 
Time  coins  our  money. 
Earned  money  is  never  cheap. 
Money  saved  is  money  made. 


LACONICS  191 


Yes,  ready  money  is  Aladdin's  lamp. — Byron. 

Nothing  talks  louder  than  money. 

She  who  marries  money  sells  herself. 

He  who  loses  his  money  loses  his  best  friend. 

Money  is  the  life-blood  of  nations. 

In  the  game  of  Life  money  is  trumps. 

He  that  has  honey  on  his  tongue  will  put  money  in 

his  purse. 
He  is  a  wise  man  who  knows  how  to  spend  his 

money. 

Be  the  master  of  money,  not  its  slave. 
He  can  find  money  to  bet  on  a  prize-fight  when  he 

can't  find  money  to  buy  bread  for  his  children. 
Money  is  worth  what  it  will  buy. 
If  you  would  know  the  value  of  money,  go  and  try 

to  borrow  some. — Ben].  Franklin. 
It  is  an  empty  purse  that  is   full  of  other  men's 

money. 

It  takes  less  brains  to  make  money,  than  to  keep  it. 
"Money  makes  the  mare  go" — kicking  her  heels,  and 

jumping  over  the  fence. 

Monkey.     The  monkey  is  second  cousin  to  all  men, 

and  closer  kin  to  many. 

We  have  descended  (a  long  way)  from  the  monkey. 
Don't  monkey  with  a  buzz-saw. 
If  we  are  no  longer  monkeys  let  us  act  like  men. 
He  appears  to  be  a  cross  between  a  monkey  and  a 

pole-cat. 

Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress, 
She's   still   a   monkey   nevertheless. — Spanish — 
Aunque  se  vista  de  seda 
La  mona  mona  se  queda. 


192  LACONICS 


Monopoly.     Monopolies  fatten  a  few  and  beggar  a 

multitude. 

Throttle  the  "Trusts"  and  crush  the  coils  combined. 
That  crack  our  bones  and  fatten  on  our  fields. 

— Men. 

I  hain't  found  no  man  yit  that  hez  a  monopoly  of 
common-sense. — Bronco  Bill. 

Monument.     In  his  eulogy  of  the  dead  he  endeav- 
ored to  build  a  monument  for  himself. 
Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 

Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware? 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  fair  praise  or  calumny — 
Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care? 

— Poetry. 

Moon — moonshine.     Did  you  ever  hear  the  moon 

bark  back  at  the  dogs? 
Moonshine  is  a  thin  diet. 

He  dined  on  faith  and  supped  on  moonshine. 
He's    moon-eyed    an'    moon-struck    an'    thar    ain't 

nuthin'  in  'im  but  moonshine. — Bronco  Bill. 

Mortality.     Dead  in  the  prime  of  his  years, 

And  laid  in  the  lap  of  the  dust; 
Only  a  handful  of  ashes 

Moldering  down  into  dust. — Lines,  etc. 

Mother.     Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 
The  earth  is  the  mother  of  all. 
Wherever  yet  was  found  a  mother 
Who'd  give  her  booby  for  another. — Gay. 
Who  takes  her  child  by  the  hand,  takes  the  mother 

by  the  heart. 
Take  a  cutting  of  a  good  vine  and  a  daughter  of  a 

good  mother. — Spanish  Prov. 


LACONICS  193 


The  hand  that  rocks  the  cradle 
Is  the  hand  that  rules  the  world. 

— William  Ross  Wallace 
Mother-in-law.     Philosophy  is  a  cure  for  everything 

but  a  mother-in-law. 

When  the  mother-in-law  rules  the  roost  the  ruster 
cackles  er  runs  tu  anether. — Bronco  Bill. 

Mother-wit.     Mother-wit  and  daddy-grit 
Will  never  harm  a  boy  a  bit. 

Mother-land.  Living  for  your  mother-land  is  bet- 
ter than  dying  for  it. 

Motive.     Men  are  moved  by  motive. 
There  is  a  motive  in  his  madness. 

Mouth.     His  mouth  is  a  megaphone. 
His  mouth  hez  bin  open  so  long  he  cain't  shet  it. 
His  mouth  is  so  big  he  cud  swaller  himself. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Our  ole  pard  Ted  wuz  a  great  hunter.     He  cud 
shute  more  bars  with  his  mouth  thun  all  the  rest 
uf  us  cud  with  our  Winchesters. — Bronco  Bill. 
Keep  yer  mouth  shet — aspecially  in  fly-time. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Much — too  much.     Make    much    of   the    little   you 

have. 
Enough  is  often  too  much. 

Mule.  I've  bin  tryin'  tu  teach  thet  ole  mool  a  little 
hoss-sense  ever  sence  he  wuz  born,  but  he  don't 
know  nothin'  yit  but  the  feed-box  an'  how  tu 
bray  an'  kick.  He's  a  Dimecrat. — Bronco  Bill. 

Multitude.  Government  by  the  multitude  is  mob- 
ocracy. 


194  LACONICS 


Learning  will  be  cast  into  the  mire,  and  trodden 
down  under  the  hoofs  of  a  swinish  multitude. 

— Edmund  Burke. 
He  serves  and  fears 
The  fury  of  the  many-headed  monster, 
The  giddy  multitude. — Philip  Massinger. 
The  multitude  is  the  most  unstable  of  all  things, 

and  the  most  senseless. — Demosthenes. 
That  great  enemy  of  reason,  virtue,  and  religion — 
the  Multitude,  that  numerous  piece  of  monstros- 
ity.— Sir  Thomas  Browne. 

The  unstable  multitude  is  cleft  into  opposite  courses. 

— Virgil. 

Music.  Music  is  the  universal  language. — London. 
There's  music  in  all  things,  if  men  had  ears. — Byron. 
Har  the  Bull  Moose  bray !  He's  brayin'  music  tu  the 

little  "mooses." — Bronco  Bill. 
The  sweetest  music  to  most  men  is  the  jingle  of  the 

dollars. 
Music  has  charms  to  soothe  a  savage  breast. 

— Congreve. 
Rugged  the  beast  that  music  cannot  tame. 

— /.  C.  Bamfylde. 

The  man  that  hath  no  music  in  himself, 
Nor  is  not  moved  by  concord  of  sweet  sounds, 
Is  fit  for  treason,  stratagems  and  spoils. 

— Shakespeare. 

Music — The  only  universal  tongue. — Samuel  Rogers. 
Moosic  won't  cure  the  bite  uf  a  mad-dog  er  a  rattle- 
snake : 

The  moosic  uf  the  bagpipe'll  skear  a  mustang  an' 
drive  a  prairie-dog  intu  his  hole. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  195 


I  like  moosic.     I  cain't  say  I'm  "stuck  on"  a  Jew's 
harp  er  a  hoss-fiddle ;  but  I  like  tu  see  a  Chicago 
"gal"  play  her  feet   (feat?)   on  a  pee-annie,  an' 
I'm  allus  charmed  with  the  moosic  uf  the  dinner- 
bell  :  it  "soothes  my  savage  breast." — Bronco  Bill. 
Her  sweetest  notes  wud  skear  a  ole  screech-owl, 
An'  drive  a  yelpin'  cyote  tu  his  hole. — Bronco  Bill. 

Must.     "Must"  will  drive  "Can't"  over  a  mountain. 
When  Nature  commands  we  must. 

Myself.     The  best  friend  I  have  is  myself. 
Nature  commands  me  to  defend  myself. 
I  always  commanded  myself. — Napoleon. 

Mystery.     I  dreamed  a  dream  all  mist  and  mystery. 

— Pauline. 
There  is  no  mystery — only  mist  in  our  eyes. 

N 
Nagging.     Nagging  is  a  bad  habit ;  better  be  a  bore 

Name.     What's  in  a  name? — Honor  or  shame. 
Where  is  Caesar? — All  that  is  left  is  a  name. 
What's  in  a  name?  that  which  we  call  a  rose, 
By  any  other  name  would  smell  as  sweet. 

— Shakespeare 

"Whut's  in  a  name?"  kick  a  skunk  an'  call  it  cologne. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

They  tarred  him  with  a  nickname. 
A  nickname  sticks  worse  than  a  sticking-plaster. 

Napoleon.     What  thousands  died  to  make  Napoleon 

great ! 

Napoleon  was  a  great  statesman,  as  well  as  a  great 
general. 


196  LACONICS 


France  had  fallen  into  brutal  anarchy: 

She  needed  a  Napoleon  to  give  her  a  surfeit  of  her 

own  blood. 

Even  the  great  Napoleon  was  intoxicated  with  suc- 
cess :  his  two  gravest  mistakes  were  his  divorce  of 
Josephine  and  his  campaign  in  Russia. 

Narrow.     He   is   chief   engineer  of   a   narrow-gage 

road. 
Avoid  the  "narrow  way" :  take  the  "broad-gage." 

Nations.  The  American  nation  was  born  in  a  log- 
cabin. 

All  nations  are  kin  and  will  some  day  be  one. 

All  nations  will  some  day  be  one;  but  thet'll  be 
when  the  uth  is  knocked  intu  etarnity  by  a  comet 
er  a  uthquake,  an'  thar  ain't  nobody  left  but  the 
heathen  Chinee. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nature.     There  is  no  mercy  in  the  laws  of  Nature. 

Nature  demands  a  fair  price  for  everything. 
Nature  the  only  perfect  artist  is : 
Who  studies  Nature  may  approach  her  skill: 
Perfection  hers,  but  never  can  be  his, 
Though  her  sweet  voice  his  very  marrow  thrill : 
The  finest  works  of  art  are  Nature's  shadows  still. 

— Poetry. 

Yea,  in  the  womb  of  Nature  slumber  still 
Wonders  undreamed  and  forms  beyond  compare. 

— Beyond 

The  wise  man  studies  Nature. 
It  is  folly  to  fight  against  the  laws  of  Nature. 
Nature  commands  us  to  be  moderate  in  all  things. 
In  the  scheme  of  Nature  there  is  no  chance   for 

chance. 


LACONICS  197 


The  facts  of  Nature  are  arguments  indisputable. 
Nature  makes  no  mistake;  everything  is  good  for 

something. 

Evolution  is  a  law  of  Nature. 
Drive  Nature  out  at  the  front  door  and  she'll  come 

in  at  the  back. 

Nature  holds  a  mortgage  on  all  of  us. 
Nature  is  always  busy  doing  her  best. 
Nature  is  not  governed  except  by  obeying  her. 

— Bacon. 

Nature  is  frugal  and  her  wants  are  few. — Young. 
Accuse  not  Nature ;  she  has  done  her  part ; 
Do  thou  but  thine. — Milton. 

Nature  is  the  best  sculptor,  the  best  poet,  the  best 

painter. 
Nature  is  the  "Holy  Bible" ;  every  word  in  her  great 

book  is  a  fact  revealed. 
Slave  to  no  sect,  who  takes  no  private  road, 
But  looks  through  Nature  up  to  Nature's  God. 

—Pope. 

Nature  never  tells  a  lie. 
Every  word  written  in  the  great  book  of  Nature  is 

in  the  handwriting  of  God. 
Nature  creates  in  pairs. 

Nature  will  not  adjust  herself  to  us;  we  must  ad- 
just ourselves  to  Nature. 
Nature  never  pardons. 

Man  cannot  cancel  a  word  that  Nature  has  written. 
Ole  Mother  Natur  works  every  day  in  the  week: 

she  don't  stop  tu  pray  pra'rs  an'  sing  sams  on 

Sunday. — Bronco  Bill. 
Necessity.     Necessity  is  a  hard  master,  but  a  good 

teacher. 
Yield  to  necessity  with  good  grace. 


198  LACONICS 


There    is    no    law    for    necessity    but    the    law    of 

necessity. 

Make  a  virtue  of  necessity. — Chaucer. 
There  is  no  virtue  like  necessity. — Shakespeare. 

Need — needy.     A  friend  in  need  is  a  friend  indeed. 
Bid  the  beggar  come  tomorrow;  give  to  the  needy 
now. 

Neglect.     A  little  neglect  may  breed  great  mischief. 

— Franklin. 

Don't  neglect  tu  kiss  yer  best  gal,  er  some  other 
feller'll  du  it  fer  ye. — Bronco  Bill. 

Neighbor.     Prosperous   neighbors   make  good  cus- 
tomers. 

He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 

And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 

When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we  are  content 
with  our  neighbors. 

Self-denial   is   a   great   virtue — especially   in   your 
neighbor. 

Love  yer  neighbor,  but  don't  pul  down  yer  barb- 
wire  fence. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nettle.     The  best  way  to  handle  a  nettle  is  to  grasp 

it — with  a  glove  on. 
Don't  git  nettled  an'  swar  ef  yer  fail  tu  stick  on  a 

mustang :  "cinch  up"  an'  try  it  agin'. — Bronco  Bill. 
Don't  set  down  in  a  bunch  uf  nettles  'thout  no  pants 

on. — Bronco  Bill. 

New.     'Tis  but  a  new  toot  on  the  same  old  horn 
That  brayed  in  ancient  Greece  and  Babylon. — Men 
Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 
And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. — Poetry. 


LACONICS  199 


We  pull  down  the  old  monuments  to  build  new  ones 

for  ourselves  out  of  the  material. 
As  the  new  comes  in  at  the  front  door  the  old  slips 

out  at  the  back. 

The  old  is  new  and  the  new  is  old. 
Ole  Solomon  said  thar  wuz  nuthin'  new  under  the 

sun;  but  they  didn't  hev  no  yeller  newspapers  in 

his  day. — Bronco  Bill. 

New  England.  New  England  has  become  New  Ire- 
land. 

New  England ! — thar's  whar  they  take  a  sheep  by 
the  tail  an'  poke  'im  down  between  the  rocks  tu 
git  a  nibble  uf  grass. — Bronco  Bill. 

New  England ! — Thar's  whar  the  "Pure-in-spirit" 
landed,  prayin'  God  fer  mercy  on  themselves, 
while  they  preyed  on  the  In j ins  an'  hung  pore 
women  fer  witches. — Bronco  Bill. 

News.     If  you  would  hear  the  news,  ask  the  gossip; 

she  carries  the  news  in  her  hat. 
If  you  wish  to  hear  the  news  of  the  city  go  into 

the  country. 
Most  of  the  news  nowadays  is  manyfacturd  in  the 

top-story  uf  the  newspaper  office. — Bronco  Bill. 

Newspaper.    The  newspaper  hez  becum  the  Ameri- 
can Bible ;  but  the  most  uf  the  facts  yer  read 
in  'em  needs  filterin'. — Bronco  Bill. 
I  tuk  the  Weekly  Try-bune  an'  the  weakly  Dribblets. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
No.     "No"  is  shorter  than  "Yes." 

You  can  say  "no"  so  meekly  that  it  is  half  a  "yes." 
Learn  to  say  "No"  and  save  time  and  trouble. 
The  man  that  is  afraid  to  say  "No"  soon  becomes 
a  nobody. 


200  LACONICS 


Noble.  Howe'er  it  be,  it  seems  to  me, 
Tis  only  noble  to  be  good. — Tennyson. 
From  noble  seed  a  noble  breed. 

Noise.     The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 
Sometimes,  alas,  the  wild  tornado's  roar. — Men. 

Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of  Bashan. — Men. 
Great  noise  and  good  sense  soon  part  company. 
A  great  reputation  is  a  great  noise. — Napoleon. 

Nose.     A  man  with  a  long  nose  rarely  pokes  it  into 

other  people's  affairs. 
The  long-nosed  pig  is  a  whole  hog. 
Poke  a  hornet's  nest  with  another  man's  nose. 
Ef  yer  want  yer  nose  scratched  stick  it  intu  a  winv 

min's-rights  meetin'. — Bronco  Bill. 
He   hez   a  nose   on   'm   fer   She-talk-away  plums, 
"Mexican  tamales,"  White  House  let-us,  an'  grape- 
juice. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nothing — nothingness.     Out  of  nothing,  nothing. 

— Beyond. 

Where   nothing  is   lost   something   is   gained. 
Nothing  is  good  for  nothing. 
Nothing   for   nothing. 

"In  the  beginning  God  created  the  heavens  and  the 
uth"? — God  Almighty  his  self  cudn't  make 
somethin'  outer  nothin'.  The  uth  wusn't  created : 
it  jist  "growed"— like  "Topsy."— Bronco  Bill. 

Novelty.     Thar's  a  honest  polly-tician ;  he's  a  nov- 
elty; he  won't  war. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  201 


Novelty  sets  the  gabbling  geese  agape, 

And  fickle  fashion  follows  like  an  ape. — Poetry. 

Novelties  cost  more  than  bread. 

Now.     All  the  time  you  are  sure  of  is  now. 
The  nick  o'  time  is  now. 
Now's  the  time  tu  "p°P  the  question" ;  ef  yer  wait  a 

week  some  ether  fool  '11  pop  it,  an'  yer'll  be  left 

out  in  the  snow. — Bronco  Bill. 

Nut.     Don't  eat  your  nut  before  you  crack  it. 

A  man  can  find  plenty  of  nuts  to  crack  without 

cracking  his  own  "cocoanut." 
Don't  club  the  tree:  the  nuts  have  fallen. 


Oak.     Hearts  of  oak  and  arms  of  steel. 

Up  grew  in  silence  through  a  thousand  years 
The  Titan-armed,  gnarl-jointed,  rugged  oak, 
Rock-rooted. — An  Old  English  Oak. 
For  only  stalwart  ships  of  oak  or  steel 
May  dare  the  deep  and  breast  the  billowy  sea, 
When  sweeps  the  thunder- voiced,  dark  hurricane, 
And  the  mad  ocean  shakes  his  shaggy  mane, 
And  roars  through  all  his  grim  and  vast  immensity. 

— Poetry. 

Oar.     The  lazy  lubber  lays  on  his  oars  and  waits 
for  the  wind. 

Oath.     Oaths  are  but  words,  and  words  but  wind. 
It  takes  two  oaths  to  break  one. — Samuel  Butler. 

Obedience.     Obedience    to    the    laws    of   nature    is 

health  and  wealth. 
My  feet  obey;  my  heart  rebels, 


202  LACONICS 


He  who  cannot  command  must  obey. 

Oblivion.     Immortal  Fame!    O  dust  and  death! 
The  centuries  as  they  pass  proclaim 
That  fame  is  but  a  mortal  breath, 
And  man  must  perish,  name  and  fame. — Fame. 

Dust  to  dust: 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost? 
Gaily  for  a  day  we  tread — 
Proudly  with  averted  head — 
O'er  the  ashes  of  the  dead — 
Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust: 

Dust  to  dust. — Dust  to  Dust. 

Obscurity.     He    reasons    from     obscurity    to    ob- 
scurity. 

Like  the  cuttle  fish  he  seeks  safety  in  obscurity. 
What  matter  if  the  dust  of  ages  drift 
Five  fathoms  deep  above  my  grave  unknown. 

— Poetry. 

Observation — observer.     Observe      closely;      think 

closely. 

The  observer  who  studies  in  the  school  of  Time 
learns  much. 

The  observer  often  sees  clearer  than  the  actor. 

Obstinacy.    No  ass  so  obstinate  as  ignorance. — Men. 
Perseverance   in   a   good   cause   is   obstinacy   in   a 

bad  one. 

Yer  kin  lead  a  ole  mool  up  tu  "the  fountin'  uf 
life,"  but  yer  cain't  make  'im  drink  onless  he 
wants  tu. — Bronco  Bill. 

Occasion.     An  occasion  lost  is  lost  forever. 

Catch  occasion  by  the  fore-lock,  she  is  bald  behind. 


LACONICS  203 


Occupation.     Idleness  is  the  mother  of  mischief. 
Do  something  worth  doing. 

Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use ; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 
The  slave,  the  idler  are  alike  unblessed. 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 
Daily  duties  are  as  wholesome  as  daily  bread. 
Du  suthin'  wuth  duin'  ef  it's  on'y  kickin'  yerself. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Ocean.     Measure    the    ocean    with    your    drinking- 

cup? 

What   we    know    is    a    few    drops    of    an    infinite 
ocean. 

Office.     He  who  desires  office  most  deserves  it  least. 
Public  office  is  a  public  trust. — Grover  Cleveland. 

Office-seeker.  When  President  Lincoln  was  told  he 
had  the  small-pox,  he  said :  "Send  up  the  office- 
seekers,  and  tell  them  I  have  something  I  can 
give  each  of  them." 

Oil.     Lubricate :  oil  prevents  friction. 
Pour  oil  on  troubled  waters. 
There  is  no  medicine  so  good  for  anger,  as  a  little 

sweet-oil. 
He's  ole  Sweet-oil ;  he  allus  "greases"  his  way. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Old.     The  old  live  in  graveyards. 

Give  me  an  old  head  and  a  young  heart. 

As  the  new  comes  in  at  the   front  door  the  old 

slips  out  at  the  back. 
The  old  is  new  and  the  new  is  old. 
We  pull  down  the  old  to  build  up  the  new. 
Ring  out  the  old,  ring  in  the  new. — Tennyson. 


204  LACONICS 


Here's  to  the  old  days,  the  old  joys,  and  the  old 
sorrows,  as  we  view  them  through  the  rosy  mist 
of  memory. — John  D.  Fredericks,  in  response  to 
the  toast — "Any  Old  Thing,"  at  a  banquet  of  the 
Merchants  and  Manufacturers  of  Los  Angeles, 
Jan.  19,  1914. 

Old  age.     Some  men  are  born  old,  some  never  grow 
old. 

Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
Old  age  crowned  with  folly  is  pitiful. 
My  grief  lies  onward,  and  my  joy  behind. 

— Shakespeare. 

Old  bird.     An  old  bird  is  ware  of  a  gun. 
You  can  tell  an  old  bird  by  her  feathers. 

Old  story.     That  is  an  old  story :  it  was  told  first 
by  Ananias  who  lied  to  the  Holy  Ghost. 

Old  Women.     The  nonsense  of  the  old  women  of 
both  sexes. — Laurence  Sterne. 

Onion.     The  E  Pluribus  Onion. — Bronco  Bill. 
Liberty  and  Onions,  one  and  inseparable,  now  and 
forever! — Bronco     Bill,      (quoting     at     Daniel 
Webster). 

Opinion.     When  a  man  asks  your  opinion  he  wants 
you  to  confirm  his. 

We  like  the  man  who  is  of  our  own  opinion. 
Opinions  begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 

Weigh    the    opinions    of    others;    decide    by    your 

own. 
Take  the  opinions  of  others  and  sift  them  through 

your  own  sieve. 


LACONICS  205 


He  who   would  be   right  must  sometimes   change 

his  opinion. 
I  have  always  marched  with   the  opinion  of  five 

or  six  millions  of  men. — Napoleon. 
"A  man  convinced  against  his  will 

Is  of  the  same  opinion  still." 
Ev'ry  damphool  hez  a  constitootional  right  tu  his 

opinion. — Bronco  Bill. 

Opportunity.  A  wise  man  will  make  more  oppor- 
tunities than  a  fool  can  find. 

Know  your  opportunity. — Pittacus. — (one  of  the 
seven  wise  men  of  Greece). 

James  J.  Hill  saw  the  opportunity  coming  and 
went  to  meet  it. 

If  opportunities  were  flying  in  flocks  he  couldn't 
tell  an  opportunity  from  a  black-bird. 

A  wise  man  makes  opportunities  while  others 
are  waiting  for  them. 

Opportunity  may  slip  by  while  you  deliberate. 

A  big  opportunity  rarely  comes  to  a  little  man. 

When  the  opportunity  comes,  come  to  the  oppor- 
tunity. 

If  you  can't  find  an  opportunity,  make  one. 

Opposition.     Opposition    is    a    whetstone    to    the 

fanatic. 
The  "outs"  are  always  the  opposition. 

Oppression.     For    ages    have    the    learned    of    the 

schools. 
Furnished  pack-saddles   for  the  backs  of   fools. 

— The  Reign   of  Reason. 
He's  oppressed  with  an  idea. 

He's  oppressed  with  the  notion  that  he's  a  won- 
derful man. 


206  LACONICS 


Orator — oratory.     Truth  is  the  greatest  orator. 

His  tongue  has  got  in  the  habit  of  talking  and 
he  can't  hold  it. 

His  mouth  has  been  open  so  long  he  can't  shut 
it. 

He  has  less  oratory  and  more  noise  than  a  brass 
band. 

He's  a  "spread-eagle"  orator — all  wings  and  tail- 
feathers  and  squawk. 

Order.     Order  is  the  daughter  of  wisdom  and  the 

mother  of  success. 
Order  is  heaven's  first  law. — Pope. 
Nature  hath  order  in  variety. 
Method  is  good  in  all  things.     Order  governs  the 

wo  r  Id . — Szvift. 

Perpetual  change  is  the  order  of  the  Universe. 
Order  yourself  and  keep  yourself  in  order. 

Originality.     I  had  rather  write  one  word  upon  the 

rock. 

Of  ages  than  ten  thousand  in  the  sand. — Poetry. 
Many  authors  are  full  of  original  nonsense. 
Original? — what    is    original? — original    ignorance. 

Ostentation.     The  higher  he  soars  the  more  he  flut- 
ters his  feathers. 

Other — others.     The  "Golden  Rule"  applies  to  your 

neighbors  and  not  to  yourself? 
Confucius  preached  the  "Golden  Rule"  five  hundred 

years  before  Jesus  was  born. 
If  you  are  right  let  others  flunk, — "stand  pat." 
Do  your  duty  by  others  if  they  fail  to  do  their 

duty   by   you, — it   pays. 
Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes,  too. 


LACONICS  207 


Ourselves.     We  are  too   easily   reconciled   to   our- 
selves. 

O  wad  some  power  the  giftie  gie  us 

To  see  oursels  as  ithers  see  us ! — Burns. 

The   fault,  dear  Brutus,  is  not  in  our  stars, 

But  in  ourselves,  that  we  are  underlings. 

— Shakespeare. 

We  easily  pardon  in  ourselves  what  we  condemn 
in  others. 

We  build  churches  for  ourselves. 

We  like  to  be  confessor  to  others,  but  not  to  our- 
selves. 

When  we  are  content  with  ourselves  we  are 
content  with  our  neighbors. 

We  own  nothing;  we  have  but  a  short  lease — 
even  of  ourselves. 

Out-come.     He  lives  on  his  out-come. 

Dot  hot-air  machine  ish  all  right  mebbe ;  I  tink 
so  nieder;  aber  ich  stay  a  leetel,  und  not  put 
mein  monish  in  bis  ze  come-out. — Johannis. 

In  figuring  his  income,  he  adds  on  the  outcome. 

Overdo — overdone.     Do,    but    don't    overdo :    over- 
done is  as  bad  as  underdone. 

Owls.     Wise  men  there  be,  for  owls  are  counted 

wise, 

Who   love   to   leave   the   lamp-lit   paths   behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. 
These  have  one  argument,  and  only  one, 
For  good  or  evil,  earth  or  jeweled  heaven — 
The  olden,  owlish  argument  of  Doubt. — Men. 
He  blinks  like  a  wise  old  owl  and  says  nothing. 
Her  singin'  sounds  like  the  song  uf  a  screech-owl. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


208  LACONICS 


Own — ownership.       The  man  who  minds  his  own 

business  is  well  employed. 

We  own  nothing;  we  have  but  a  short  lease  of  our 
own  selves. 

Ox.     Begrudge  not  the  patient  ox  his  corn. 
The  ox  pulls  the  cart  and  the  monkey  rides. 

Oyster.     It  was  a  long  road  from  protoplasm  to  the 
oyster,  and  a  long  time  before  the  oyster  shed 
his  shell  and  walked  on  two  legs. 
He  was  a  bold  man  that  first  ate  an  oyster. 

— Dean  Szvift. 
Why,  then  the  world's  mine  oyster. — Shakespeare. 


Pain.     Who  sows  in  passion  reaps  in  pain. 

Pains.     No  gains  without  pains. 
Take  pains  and  make  gains. 

Paint.     Paint  and  putty  hide  the  cracks. 

Painting.  Bierstadt  was  asked  how  he  mixed  his 
colors  to  produce  such  fine  effects.  *'I  mix  them 
with  brains,"  was  his  reply. 

Pair.     Nature  makes  all  things  in  pairs. 
Proverbs  should  be  writ  in  pairs. 
A  ole  mool  an'  a  ole  mare 
Hitched  tugether'll  make  a  pair. — Bronco  Bill. 
Thar's  a  par! — He's  a  she-he  an'  she's  a  he-she. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Parasite.  Men  are  divided  into  princes  and  para- 
sites. 


LACONICS  209 


The  herd  are  parasites  of  parasites. 

Paradise.     A  paradise  for  the  rich  and  a  hell   for 
the  poor. — Anarchist. 

Paradise  of  fools. — Milton. 

And   paint   the  gates  of   Hell  with   Paradise. 

— Tennyson. 

Jo  got  religin  at  a  squaw  camp-meetin'  in  Shoshone 
one  winter,  an'  he  swore  he  wuz  going'  straight 
tu  Paradise  ef  he  hed  tu  go  on  a  bob-sled ;  but  he 
finally  concluded  tu  take  anether  drink,  an'  wait 
till  spring. — Bronco  Bill. 

Pardon.     Who  pardons  the  guilty  punishes  the  in- 
nocent. 

It  is  easy  for  a  man  to  pardon  himself. 
We  easily  pardon  in  another  the  offence  of  which 

we  ourselves  have  been  guilty. 
Nature   never   pardons ;   her   laws   are   immutable. 
Pardon  crowns  the  victor. 

"Better  late  than  never,"  said  the  priest,  when  the 
pardon  arrived  just  after  the  execution. 

Parsimony.     Parsimony    and    poverty    are    rarely 

bed-fellows. 

Parsimony  is  the  worst  poverty. 
He's  so  stingy  he'd  skin  a  skunk  fer  the  perfume. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Partizans.     Patriots  first,  partizans  last. 

Party.     His  party  has  seven  cardinal   principles — 

five  loaves  and  two  fishes. 

Party  is  the  madness  of  many  for  the  gain  of  a 
few. — Pope. 


210  LACONICS 


He  serves  his  party  best  who  serves  the  country 
best. — President  Hayes. 

Passion.     Control  your  passions,  or  your  passions 

will  control  you. 

Passion,  like  fire,  under  control  is  beneficial. 
Temper  passion  with  reason. 
Every  passion  is  written  on  the  face. 
Passion   is   the   wild   steed,   reason  the   rider. 
Put  a  bridle  on  your  passions  or  they  will  put  a 

halter  on  you. 

Who  sows  in  passion  reaps  in  pain. 
The  ruling  passion,  be  it  what  it  will, 
The    ruling   passion   conquers    reason    still. — Pope. 

Past.     An  old  man's  future  is  in  the  past. 

Don't  keep  on  hurrahing  after  the  procession  has 

gone  past. 
Don't  spend  your  time  bemoaning  the  past — look 

ahead. 

We  live  in  the  shadow  of  the  past. 
We  may  misread  the  present  by  the  light  of  the 

past. 
We  are  linked  to  the  infinite  past  and  the  infinite 

future. 

We  stand  upon  the  shoulders  of  the  past. 
Only  the  past  is  certain. 

Path.  It  is  easy  to  follow  a  beaten  path,  not  so 
easy  to  blaze  a  new  trail  through  a  wilderness. 

Watch  out  for  pitfalls,  and  step  over  the  stumbling- 
blocks  in  your  path. 

If  you  kick  every  stone  in  your  path  you  will  soon 
have  sore  toes. 


LACONICS  211 


Patient,  Patience.     If  you  wait  for  the  mountain  to 
come  to  you,  will  patience  bring  it? 

He  who  is  equipped  with  patience  and  persever- 
ance is  equipped  for  work. 

Whoever  hath  not  patience,  neither  doth  he  pos- 
sess philosophy. — Sadi. 

Patience  is  out  of  place  in  a  hornet's-nest. 

He   is  over-patient  who  can   sit  calmly  on   a  hot 
stove. 

It  is  idle  to  preach  patience  to  a  drowning  man. 

Patience  is  twin  brother  of  fortitude. 

It  is  not  hard  to  practise  Christian  patience  when 
your  mother-in-law  has  the  toothache. 

Be  patient,  but  not  pusillanimous. 

Patience  lightens  burdens,  but  if  you  are  too  pa- 
tient they  will  pile  on  more  than  you  can  carry. 

On   an   up-hill   road   with   a  big  load   the  patient 
mule  will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 

Patience  and  shuffle  the  cards. — Cervantes. 

Shakespur  says  "we  must  be  patient,"  but  I  reckon 
he  didn't  hev  no  bile  on  the  nub  uf  his  nose. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Patience  is  the  virtue  of  an  ass. — George  Granville. 

Patience  is  a  plaister  for  a'  sairs. — Scotch  Proverb. 

Patience  is  sorrow's  salve;  what  can't  be  cured 
must  be  endured. — Chatles  Churchill. 

How  poor  are  they  that  have  not  patience ! 

What  wound  did  ever  heal  but  by  degrees? 

— Shakespeare. 

Though  patience  be  a  tired  mare,  yet  she  will  plod. 

— Shakespeare. 

Patience  abused  too  often  becomes  fury. 

— Publilius  Syrus. 


212  LACONICS 


Fortify   courage   with   patience. 
Patience  lightens  the  burden. 
Patience  is  power. 
He's  as  patient  as  Job's  wife. 

Patriot — patriotism.     "It's  patriotism,"  said  T.  R. 

"It's    politics,"    said    Harriman. 
Patriots  first — partizans  second. 
Patriotism  is  the  last  refuge  of  a  scoundrel. 

— Samuel  John.  •  n. 

True  patriots  we ;  for  be  it  understood, 
We  left  our  country  for  our  country's  good. 

— G.  Barring  ton  (Waldron) 
Pawn.     Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 

Pay.     Pay  as  you  go;  if  you  can't  pay  don't  go. 
We  all  have  to  pay  our  way  some  way. 
Who  buys  on  credit  pays  a  dear  price. 
Who  buys  what  he  doesn't  need  pays  too  much 

for  it. 
Virtue  is  its  own  reward? — Durn  pore  pay. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Pay-day.     Every  day  in  the  week  is  pay-day. 
Pay-day  comes  to  every  man — good  or  bad. 

Pay-master.    A  well-tilled  field  is  a  good  pay-master. 
Nature  is  a  punctual  pay-master. 
God  pays  us  what  we  earn. 

Peace.  War  is  just  only  when  we  fight  for  peace. 
He  makes  a  solitude,  and  calls  it  Peace. — Byron. 
To  be  prepared  for  war  is  one  of  the  most  effectual 
means  of  preserving  peace. — George  Washington. 
You  must  ask  yourself  if  you  shall  live  in  peace. 
We'll  hev  peace  ef  we  hev  tu  fight  fer  it. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  213 


Pat  said  "Oi'm  niver  at  pace  on'y  whin  Oi'm  in 

a   foight."* 

"The  Bible  says  there  is  no  piece  for  the  wicked," 
said  the  mother  when  her  bad  boy  begged  for 
a  piece  of  pie. 

Pearls.  He  casts  his  pearls  before  swine ;  the  pigs 
are  busy  rooting  for  peanuts. 

Peculiarity.     Peculiarity   marks   the   man. 

Pedantry.  He  who  likes  to  show  his  learning  to 
the  ignorant  shows  his  ignorance  to  the 
learned. 

Pegasus.  Don't  mistake  a  ass  for  Pegasus ;  asses 
don't  hev  wings. — Bronco  Bill. 

Pen.  The  lance  of  chivalry  was  shivered  by  the 
goose-quill  of  Cervantes. 

I  can  give  you  a  pen,  but  I  can't  give  you  brains 
to  use  it. 

It  gin  'im  the  "blues,"  an'  he  tackled  the   Muse, 

An'  he  tuk  a  pen  an'  writ. — Bronco  Bill. 

Pens  are  most  dangerous  tools. — John  Taylor. 

His  nose  was  as  sharp  as  his  pen. 
"The  pen  is  mightier  than  the  sword" ;  but  a  Win- 
chester rifle'll  beat  'em  both. — Bronco  Bill. 

She  plucked  "a  quill   from  an  angel's  wing",  an' 
made  a  pen,  an'  writ — "dope." — Bronco  Bill. 

His  pen  is  putty  an'  his  sword  is  pewter ;  but  he  hez 
a  maggiephone. — Bronco  Bill. 

Penitent.     Beware  of  a  public  penitent. 
The  prisons  are  full  of  penitents. 


214  LACONICS 


Penny.     It  is  a  good  penny  that  saves  the  pound. 
Don't  spend  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  hunting  for 

a  lost  penny. 

Penny-wise  and  pound  foolish. 
An  ill-wan  penny'll  nae  mak  a  pun. 
Nae  freen  like  a  penny. 
Pfennig  ist  pfennig's  bruder. — German  Prov. 
Penny  and  penny  in  pouch'll  mak  monie. 
Save  your  pennies  and  your  pennies  will  save  you. 

People.     The  world  may  be  divided  into  people  who 
think  and  people  who  let  others  think  for  them. 

Give  the  people  perfect  liberty  and  watch  the  Kil- 
kenny cat-fight. 

The  "dear  people"  like  to  be  deceived ;  they  suck 
flattery  as  calves  suck  milk. 

Remember  that  other  people  have  eyes  too. 
"I  am  fighting  for  my  dear  people,"  said  a  candi- 
date   for    congress.     "How    mony    av    'em    hev 
yez  in  yer  family?"  asked  Pat* 

Perfection.     Perfection  can  only  be  approximated. 
not  attained. 

Nothing   is    invented    and   perfected    at   the    same 
time. — Bacon. 

Perfume.     Kick  a  skunk  and  catch  the  perfume. 
Fame  is  the  perfume  of  heroic  deeds. — Socrates. 
She  wuz  so  fond  uf  perfume  thet  she  bathed  in 
"Skunk-water" — (the  Chicago  river). 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Perpetual  motion.     He  has  solved  the  problem  of 
perpetual  motion — with  his  tongue. 

Perseverance.     Prudence,     patience,     perseverance ! 


LACONICS  215 


Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  shining  silk;  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will, 
And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. — Poetry. 
"Stick-to-it"  will  do  it. 
Patience  and  perseverance  are  better  than  brilliant 

parts. 
Perseverance  in  a  good  cause  is  obstinancy  in  a 

bad  one. 

Persistence.       Persistence    is    power;    the    tender 

mushroom   will  break  through   hard  clay. 
Persistent  courage  wins  the  smile  of  fate. 

— Pauline. 

Men  lack  purpose  and  persistence  more  than  tal- 
ent. 

On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the  little  don- 
key will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 

Perverse.     Man  has  a  natural  taste  for  forbidden 

fruit. 

There  are  more  balky  men  than  balky  mules. 
Some  men  are  so  perverse  they  will  spend  their 

lives    trying    to    make    water    run    up    hill    by 

gravity. 

Petticoat.  Beware  of  vice  in  rouge  and  red  petti- 
coats. 

When  the  wife  wears  the  pants  who  wears  the 
petticoats  ? 

He  is  a  sneak  who  hides  under  his  wife's  petti- 
coats. 

An'  he  rid  on  a  side-saddle 

In  petticoats — half  a-straddle. — Bronco  Bill. 


216  LACONICS 


Philanthropy.     Nine  parts  of  self-interest  gilt-over 

with  one  part  of  Philanthropy. — 

— Herbert   Spencer. 
Philosophy — philosopher.     Philosophy  won't  ease  a 

bile  under  the  seat  uf  yer  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 
Philosophy  may  do  for  breakfast,  but  it's  a  poor 

dinner. 
When  your  friend  has  the  toothache  give  him  a 

dose  of  philosophy  and  watch  the  effect. 
To  discover  and  practice  good  is  true  philosophy. 
A  man  may  talk  like  a  philosopher  and  live  like  a 

fool. 
Philosophy ! — philosophy ! — Diogenes    starved    in    a 

tubful  of  philosophy. 

The  philosopher  can  patiently  endure  his  mother- 
in-law's  toothache. 
Rocky-feller   found   the  philosopher's   stone  in   an 

oil-well. 

The  man  who  is  content  is  a  true  philosopher. 
Philosophy  is  a  good  horse  in  the  stable,  but  an 

arrant  jade  on  a  journey. — Goldsmith. 
There  are  more  things  in  heaven  and  earth,  Horatio, 
Than  are  dreamed  of  in  your  philosophy. 

— Shakespeare. 
He  wuz   ful  uf   philosophy,   it  oozed  outer  every 

hole  in  his  hat. — Bronco  Bill. 

Physic — physician.  The  more  physic  the  worse  for 
the  patient. 

Physicked  with  metaphysics. — Men. 

Call  one  doctor  and  you  may  live;  call  two  and—- 
make your  will. 

Any  doctor  can  tell  what  ails  you  after  you  are 
dead. 


LACONICS  217 


He  physicked  us  with  a  hunderd  an'  ten  cann'd  toes 
uf  his  poetry. — Bronco  Bill. 

Pig.     Every  pig  to  his  own  pen. 

The  biggest  pig  I  ever  saw  walked  on  two  legs. 
The  runt  pig  of  a  litter  of  pig-mies. 

Pilot.     Who  takes  a  blind  man  for  a  pilot? 
He's  a  good  pilot  in  a  mill-pond. 
Pilot  your  own  life-boat. 

Pit.     Who  digs  a  pit  for  others  may  fall  into  it 
himself. 

Pity.     Pity  not  the  dead,  but  the  living. 

He  pities  the  pore,  but  he  makes  'em  pay  fer  it. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Place.     Have  a  place  for  everything,  and  everything 
in  its  place. 

Plagiarism.     If  plagiarism  were  a  capital  crime  few 

modern  authors  would  escape  the  hangman. 
Perverts   the   Prophets,   and   purloins   the'  Psalms. 

— Byron. 
Our   modern   writers   have  got   into   the   habit   of 

quoting   without   quotation-marks. 
"Your  poem  I  have  read,  my  friend, 

And  like  the  half  you  pilfered  best: 
I'm  sure  the  poem  you  might  mend; 

Take  courage,  man,  and  steal  the  rest." 
He  cleans  old  clothes  and  calls  them  new. 
Most  writers  steal  a  good  thing  when  they  can. 

— "Barry  Cornwall." 

Plans.     The  best  of  plans  may  be  spoiled  in  execu- 
tion. 
Plan  deliberately — execute  promptly. 


218  LACONICS 


The  best-laid  schemes  o'  mice  and  men 
Gang  aft  a-gley. — Burns. 

Play.     Play  the  lion   with   lions  and  the  fox  with 

foxes. 

If  you  want  to  play  into  the  hearts  of  the  "dear 
people",  play  a  brass  band. 

Please — pleasure.     Our  greatest  pleasure  is  in  pleas- 
ing others. 

Everything    goes    by    pairs — pleasure    and     pain, 
good  and  evil. 

A  life  of  pleasure  is  the  most  unpleasing  life  in 
the  world. — Goldsmith. 

Pleased  with  a  rattle,  tickled  with  a  straw. — Pope. 
The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were    hateful    if    it    played    the    self    same    tune 
Forever. — Change. 

The  most  delicious  fruits 

Pall  on  the  palate  if  we  taste  too  oft, 

And  Hyblan  honey  turns  to  bitter  gall. — Change. 

Pleasure  and  pain  grow  on  one  stem. 

Short  pleasure,  long  sorrow. 

Did  ever  anybody  please  everybody? 

There   are   few   men   who  can  please   even   them- 
selves. 

There  is  no  sterner  moralist  than  pleasure. — Byron. 

There  is  more  pleasure  in  a  good  deed  done  than 
in  the  applause  of  the  million. 

Pledge.     The  streets  are  paved  with  broken  pledges. 
A  bad  pledge  is  better  broken. 

Plow — plowman.     He  plows  with  a  pencil  and  reaps 
with  a  pen. 


LACONICS  219 


His   plow   handles   are   too   long,   he   lives   in   the 

city  and  his  farm  is  fifty  miles  away. 
He  that  by  the  plow  would  thrive, 
Himself  must  either  hold  or  drive, 

Ah  blithesome  plowmen  whistling  on  the  glebe, 
Ah  merry  mowers  singing  in  the  swaths, 
Sweet,  simple  souls  contented  not  to  know, 
Wiser  are  ye  and  ye  may  teach  the  wise. 

— O  let  me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  Ago. 

Pluck.     Pluck  is  better  than  luck. 
Pluck  and  luck  make  a  strong  team. 
When  the  peach  is  ripe  is  the  time  to  pluck  it. 

Plum.     He  goes  to  the  plum  tree  for  pears  and  the 

pear  tree  for  plums. 

'Tain't  every  plum  thet's  wuth  pickin'. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  likes  them  She-talk-away  plums ;  they  air  plum- 

puddin'  tu  him. — Bronco  Bill. 

Plunder.  He  who  plunders  thousands  thinks  he 
does  a  generous  deed  when  he  doles  out  pennies 
to  the  poor. 

Pocket.     I  put  my  hand  in  my  pocket  and  find  a 

friend. 

Keep  your  best  friend  in  your  pocket. 
Kill  a  man's  family,  and  he  may  brook  it, 
But  keep  your  hands  out  of  his  breeches  pocket. 

— Byron. 

Poet — poetry.     The   grandest   poem    is   God's   uni- 
verse : 
In     measured     rhythm     the    planets     whirl    their 

course ; 

Rhythm  swells  and  throbs  in  every  sun  and  star, 
In  mighty  ocean's  organ-peals  and  roar, 


220  LACONICS 


In  billows  bounding  on  the  harbor-bar, 
In  the  blue  surf  that  rolls  upon  the  shore, 
In  the  low  zephyr's  sigh,  the  tempest's  sob, 
In  the  rain's  patter  and  the  thunder's  roar; 
Aye,  in  the  awful  earthquake's  shuddering  throb, 
When   old   Earth   cracks   her  bones   and   trembles 
to  her  core. — Poetry. 

All  poetry  must  be,  if  it  be  true, 

Like  the  keen  arrows  of  the  Grecian  God 

Apollo,   that  caught   fire   as  they  flew. — Poetry. 

Poets  are  born,  not  made,  some  scribbler  said, 

And  every  rhymester  thinks  the  saying  true; 

Better  unborn  than  wanting  labor's  aid: 

Aye,  all  great  poets,  all  great  men,  are  made 

Between  the  hammer  and  the  anvil.     Few 

Have  the  true  metal,  many  have  the  fire. — Poetry. 

No  slave  or  savage  ever  proved  a  bard ; 
Men  have  their  bent,  but  labor  its  reward. 

— Poetry. 

The  poet's  brain  with  spirit-vision  teems ; 
The  voice  of  nature  warbles  in  his  heart; 
A  sage,  a  seer,  he  moves  from  men  apart, 
And  walks  among  the  shadows  of  his  dreams. 

— Poetry. 
Poetry  is  an  art,  and  the  chief  of  the  fine  arts. 

— Steadman. 
The  passionate  heart  of  the  poet  is  whirled  into 

folly  and  vice. — Tennyson. 
Poetry  is  the  music  of  the  soul,  and  above  all,  of 

the  great  and  feeling  souls. — Voltaire. 
De  lid  ze  smel  af  ole  gaas-grease, 

De  lid  ze  smel  af  slet  whiskee, 
De  lid  ze  smel  af  Limburg-cheese, 


LACONICS  221 


Men,   not    ze    smel    af    poetree. — Broder    Knute 

(in    Cow-Boy    Ballads). 
Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.     Art 
In   poet,   painter,   sculptor,   is   the  same: 
What  cometh   from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart ; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry. 
Poetry  is  truth  set  to  music. 
Pipers  are  plenty  but  the  masters  few. 
He  will  read  and  range  and  rhyme  in  vain 
Who  hath  no  dust  of  diamonds  in  his  brain. 

— Poetry. 

Long-haired  poets  are  out  of  fashion. 
Jim,  I  am  a  poet,  an'  I  want  yer  tu  know  it : 
When  I  git  ful  uf  "spirits"  I  git  up  an'  go  it! 
But   I   niver  kin   du   ginewine  maggiezeen   poetry, 

axcept  in  mushmelon  time. — Bronco  Bill. 

Poetaster.     "Poeta  nacitur  non  fit."     Such  a  poet  is 

a  born  misfit. 

See  dapper  poets  hurrying  for  their  dimes 
With  maudlin  verses  tinsel-tipped  with  rhymes. 

— Poetry. 

He  climbs  a  tree  to  catch  moonshine. 
I  hear  loud  voices  and  a  clamorous  throng 
With  braying  bugles  and  with  bragging  drums — 
Bards  and  bardies  laboring  at  a  song. 
One  lifts  his  locks  above  the  rest  preferred, 
And  to  the  buzzing  flies  of  fashion  thrums 
A  banjo.     Lo,  him  follow  all  the  herd. — Poetry. 
Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unlearned  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre, 
Who  sails  on  land  and  gallops  on  the  blast, 
And  mounts  the  welkin  on  a  braying  ass, 
Clattering  a  shattered  cymbal  bright  with  brass, 


222  LACONICS 


And  slips  his  girth  and  tumbles  in  the  mire. 

— Poetry. 

He  caught  the  tail  of  Immortality,  and  flew  flaming 
through  imaginary  heavens. 

Policy.    Lubricate  the  tongue ;  it  takes  oil  to  run  the 

machine. 
"My  policy"  is  himself. 

Politeness.     Over-politeness  is  hypocrisy. 
Studied  politeness  is  boorish. 
Kindness  is  politeness  everywhere. 
Politeness  is  the  flower  of  humanity. — Joubert. 
He  is  the  very  pineapple  of  politeness. — Sheridan. 

Politics — politicians.    In  the  game  of  politics  money 

is  trumps. 
Politics  makes  strange  bed-fellows. 

*     *     *     Hear  the  demagogues 
Fist-maul   the   wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  foreheads  full  of  empty  noise, 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of   Bashan. — Men. 
Hear  the  old  bandogs  of  the  Daily  Press, 
Chained  to  their  party  posts,  or  fetter  free 
And  running  amuck  against  old  party  creeds, 
On-howl  their  packs  and  glory  in  the  fight. 
See  mangy  curs  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze, 
Slang-whanging    yelp    and     froth    and    snap    and 

snarl, 

And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  bread. — Men. 
I  sings  mein  leetel  song — "Reform" ; 
Dot  shakes  ze  goundry  like  a  sdorm ; 
Und  makes  die  peobles  all  belief 
I  eats  mein  dinner  on  a  tief. — C.  S.  (Ms.) 


LACONICS  223 


Politics  makes  men  cowards. 

I  am  not  a  politician,  and  my  other  habits  air  good. 
— Artemus  Ward  (Charles  F.  Brown) 
Politicians  play  and  the  people  pay  the  piper. 
Politicians  pander  to  the  weak  side  of  the  masses. 
The  women  hev  gone  intu  pollytics,  an'  the  pore 

men'll  hev  tu  nuss  the  babies. — Bronco  Bill. 
Them    she-pollyticians    put   on    the   breeches    hind 

side  before. — Bronco  Bill. 

Why  these  parades,  brass-bands  and  braying  drums, 
These  frantic  howls  from  pulpit,  stage  and  slums? 
What  is  the  matter?     What's  it  all  about? 
One  side  is  in  and  t'other  side  is  out. 

For  he 
Must    serve    who    fain    would    sway — and    soothe 

and  sue — 

And  watch  all  time — pry  into  all  place — 
And  be  a  living  lie — who  would  become 
A  mighty  thing  amongst  the  mean. — Byron. 
An'  how  they  promise  nugget  gold, 

An'  give  us — gilded  bricks. — Bronco  Bill. 

Poor.    A  poor  man  has  few  cousins. 

A  pore  man  cain't  afford  tu  du  nothin'  an'  board 

himself. — Bronco  Bill. 
Plenty  makes  us  poor. — Dryden. 
And  he  lifted  up  his  eyes  on  his  disciples,  and  said : 

Blessed  are  ye  poor:  for  yours  is  the  Kingdom 

of  God.— St.  Luke,  6-20,  R.  V. 
Blessed  is  he  that  considereth  the  poor. 

— Psalms   41-1. 
The  rich  and  the  poor  meet  together,  the  Lord  is 

the  maker  of  them  all. — Proverbs,  22-2. 


224  LACONICS 


He  feels  fer  the  pore,  but  he  niver  feels  in  his 
pocket. — Bronco  Bill. 

Populace.  Where  Grex  is  Rex  God  help  the  hap- 
less land. 

The  yelping  curs  that  bay  the  rising  moon 
Are  not  more  clamorous  and  the  fitful  winds 
Not  more  inconstant. — Men. 
The  headless  herd  are  but  a  noise  of  wind; 
Sometimes,   alas,   the   wild  tornado's   roar; 
As  full  of  freaks  as  curs  are  full  of  fleas; 
Like   flies   they   swarm,    like    flies    they   buzz   and 
breed. — Men. 

The  populace  are  either  tooting  tin  horns  or 
crawling  on  their  bellies. 

The  populace  judge  from  passion,  fashion  and 
prejudice. 

As  with  poor  wine  so  with  the  populace,  agita- 
tion brings  the  dregs  to  the  top. 

Popular — popularity.  Popular  opinion  is  like  a  pen- 
dulum— always  seesawing. 

Popular  praise  is  a  puff  of  wind. 

A  popular  man  makes  everything  he  advocates 
popular. 

A  popular  man,  right  or  wrong,  has  many  fol- 
lowers. 

If  you  want  to  be  popular  hire  a  brass  band  and 
swing  a  "big  stick." 

Posterity.  "Gentlemin,  Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  an- 
cestors," said  Pat,  "but  Oi  kin  boasht  av  me 
posterity,  fer  Biddy  an'  me  hez  twinty  wan  av 
'em."  * 


LACONICS  225 


"What  has  posterity  done  for  us?" 

— Sir  Boyle  Roche. 
Potatoes.     Buttered  baked  potatoes    grow    in    the 

garden  of  fools. 

Ah,    sweet    content, — the    blessing   of    the    blest — 
Upon  thy  cheerful  table — east  or  west — 
Corn-cakes  and  baked  potatoes  make  a  feast. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 
Poverty.     If  you  would  keep  out  of  poverty  keep 

out  of  debt. 

Poverty  rocked  the  cradle  of  most  great  men. 
Republics  breed  both  luxury  and  poverty. 
Poverty  may  laugh  at  a  burglar. 
Poverty  is  the  mother  of  genius. 
The  wust  kind  uf  poverty  ain't  the  lack  of  dollars ; 
it's  the  lack  uf  sence ;  ef  yer  hain't  got  no  sense, 
yer  skin-pore. — Bronco  Bill. 

Power.       Patience,     pluck    and     perseverance     are 

power. 
Knowledge  is  power. — Bacon. 

Practice.     Many  preach,  few  practice. 
Practice  what  you  preach. 
The  doctor  practices  on  his  patients. 
Practice  will  approximate  perfection. 

Praise.     Praise  him  and  he  will  praise  you. 
He  who  listens  for  praise  will  hear  dispraise. 
Rear  monuments  of  fame  or  flattery — 
Think  ye  their  sleeping  souls  are  made  aware? 
Heap  o'er  their  heads  fair  praise  or  calumny — 
Think  ye  their  moldering  ashes  hear  or  care? 

— Poetry. 

Praise  God  by  righteous  deeds  and  brother-love 

— Men. 


226  LACONICS 


Let  your  deeds  praise  you,  your  tongue  never. 

Virtue  starves  on  hollow  praise. 

Seek  advice  rather  than  praise. 

He    who    disparages    himself    to    others    expects 

praise. 

Let  your  praise  come  from  the  mouth  of  a  friend. 
The  rebuke  of  the  wise  is  better  than  the  praise 

of  a  fool. 
There   are    reproaches    which    praise,    and    praises 

which    reproach. — La   Rochefoucauld. 
It  is  easier  to  buy  praise  than  to  earn  it. 
Praise  don't  put  no  beans  in  the  pot. — Bronco  Bill. 

Prayer.  The  same  immutable  laws  that  govern  the 
sun  and  his  planets  govern  all  things. 

Can  prayer  reverse  the  seasons  or  turn  night  into 
day? 

Pray   devoutly,   but   hammer   stoutly. — Prov. 

Prayer  is  the  plea  of  ignorance. 

Prayer  presumes  that  God  is  variable. 

All  my  prayers  are  one — 

Father,  thy  will  be  done. 

Prayer  presumes  that  God  is  human. 

Pray  for  a  stout  heart  and  a  strong  arm. 

Storm  over,  prayers  over. 

Prayer  is  a  complaint  against  Providence. 

Pray,  pray — but  don't  prey  on  your  friends. 

Precedent.    The  olden  precedents — 

Oft  stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong. 

— Pauline. 

Precedents  are  not  proofs. 
Precedents  are  often  stumbling-blocks. 
One  precedent  creates  another.     They  soon  accu- 
mulate and  become  law. — "Junius" 


LACONICS  227 


Better  make  a  good  precedent  than  follow  a  bad 

one. 

Progress,  not  precedent. 
"To   follow   foolish  precedents,  and  wink 
With  both  our  eyes,  is  easier  than  to  think." 

— Coivper. 

Precept.    The  entire  New  Testament  may  be  boiled 
down   into   one   precept,    (adapted    from    Con- 
fucius)— 500  years  before  Jesus. 
"As  ye  would  that  men  should  do  to  you,  do  ye 

also  to  them  likewise." — Jesus — Luke  6-31. 
Do  not  unto  others  what  you  would  not  they  should 
do  unto  you. — Confucius — Kung  the  philosopher. 
Let  your  practice  precede  your  precepts. 

Precipice.     A  precipice  before  and  fire  in  the  rear. 
He  hangs  on  the  verge  of  a  precipice. 

Precipitate.     He  is  too    precipitate    who    goes    off 
"half-cocked." 

Prejudice.     When  we  cast  off  an  old  prejudice  we 

are  apt  to  take  on  a  new  one. 
Prejudice  is  the  child  of  ignorance. — Hazlett. 
It  is  easy  to  catch  a  prejudice,  and  hard  to  cure  it. 

Prepare.     Be  always  prepared. 

Be    prepared    both    for    your    friends    and    your 

enemies. 

Prepare   your  ground  before   you   plant. 
Prepare    for   the    storm    ere    it    cometh. 
Prepare   to  be   disappointed. 
He   is   prepared   who   is  always   on   guard. 
Prepare  for  the  worst,  and  hope  for  the  best. 
If  you  are  prepared  to  be  disappointed,  you  will 

hardly  be  disappointed. 


228  LACONICS 


The  grizzly  wuz  prepard  fer  him,  but  he  wuzn't 
prepard  fer  the  bar. — Bronco  Bill. 

Precious.     The  things  alone  are  precious 
That  cost  us  toil  or  tears. 

Present — presents.     Make  good  use  of  the  present 
and  the  future  will  be  provided  for. 

We  sometimes  misread  the  present  by  the  light  of 
the  past. 

The   present   is   the  necessary   product  of   all   the 
past. — Robert   G.  Ingersoll. 

The  present  is  the  living  sum-total  of  the  past. 

— Carlyle. 

Pay  your  debts  first  and  make  presents  afterwards. 

"Beware  of  the  Greeks  bearing  presents." 

Press.     A  newspaper  is  simply  the  mouth-piece  of 

the  man  behind  it. 
The  newspaper  is  "a  power  in  the  land"  for  good 

or  evil. 
People  have  quit   reading  the   Bible   and  gone   to 

reading  newspapers. 

Is  this  the  golden  age  or  the  age  of  gold? 
Lo  by  the  page  or  column  fame  is  sold. 
Hear  the  big  journal  braying  like  an  ass ; 
Behold  the  brazen  statesmen  as  they  pass. 

— Poetry. 

See  mangy  curs  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze 
Slang-whanging    yelp    and    froth    and    snap    and 

snarl, 

And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  bread. — Men. 
If  there's  a  hole  in  a'  your  coats, 

I  rede  you  tent  it; 


LACONICS  229 


A  chiel's  amang  you  takin'  notes, 

And,  faith,  he'll  prent  it! — Burns. 
The   press   is   the   mill   that   grinds   the   grist   the 

boss-miller  wants  ground. 
The  greatest  clanger  to  the  American  Republic  lies 

in  the  venal  and  licentious  press. 

Presume — presumption.     Don't  presume  too  much 
on  the  weakness  of  your  enemy  or  the  strength 
of  your  friend. 
Presumption  leaps,  knowledge  creeps. 

President.     He  wuz  a  great  president — fill  uf  capi- 
tal I's  an'   cullege-yells. — Bronco  Bill. 

Pretense.     Loud  crowing  and  flapping    of    wings, 
but  he  never  gets  above  his  dung-hill. 

Prevention.     It  is  better  to  prevent  than  to  punish. 
Punish  to  prevent. 

Price.    A  "cut"  price  is  a  pick-pocket. 

If  you  "go  the  pace"  you  must  pay  the  price. 
Not  every  man  has  his  price;  the  weak  man  has 
his    price,    if    it's    only    ten    cents'    worth    of 
flattery. 

Of  all  speculations  the  market  holds  forth, 
The  best  that  I  know  for  a  lover  of  pelf, 

Is  to  buy up  at  the  price  he  is  worth, 

And  then  sell  him  at  that  which  he  sets  on  himself. 

— Thomas  Moore. 

Pride.     Ignorance  is  the  mother  of  pride. 
The  littler  the  man  the  greater  his  pride. 
Pride  pays   two  per  cent,   per  month   to   conceal 
his  poverty. 


230  LACONICS 


Pride  is  as  loud  a  beggar  as  want,  and  a  great 
deal  more  saucy. — Franklin. 

Pride  never  listens  to  the  voice  of  reason. 

Pride,   the   never-failing  vice  of   fools. — Pope. 

Pride  will  na  leave  its  master  till  he  gets  a   fa'. 

— Scotch  Prov. 

The  vile  are  only  vain ;  the  great  are  proud. 

— Byron. 

Pride  is  a  weed  that  grows   rankest  on  a   dung- 
hill. 

Pride  leads;  shame  follows. 

He  wore  a  diamond  on  his  busom  an'  tew  patches 
on  the  seat  uf  his  pants. — Bronco  Bill. 

Prince.     Every  prince  has  his  parasites. 
Princes  and  parasites  comprise  mankind: 
To  one   wise  prince  a  million   parasites. — Men. 
The  jack-ass  is  a  prince  among  donkeys. 

Principal.    His  principal  business  is  poking  his  nose 

into  other  people's  business. 
His  principal  business  is  killing  time. 
Mein   sohn,  be  a  man  of  principal,  and  git  goot 

interest  on  it. — Onkel  Isaac. 

Principle.     His  principle  is  to  add  compound  inter- 
est to  his  principal. 
Men  of  principle  should  be  the  principal  men. 

Probability.       Two    probabilities    don't    make    one 
fact. 

Procrastination.     Better  be  ten  minutes  ahead  than 

ten  seconds  behind. 
The  procrastinator  dies  deliberating. 
Precipitancy  and  procrastination  are  equal   faults. 


LACONICS  231 


Prodigal — prodigality.  Pinching  economy  saves  for 
prodigality,  and  prodigality  nins  down  hill  to 
penury. 

When  the  prodigal  returns  to  the  family  fold, 
Take  the  poor  hungry  sinner  in  out  of  the  cold; 
Kill  a  hen  or  a  calf,  put  a  bottle  on  ice, 
And  call  him  to  dinner  and  give  him  a  slice. 

Profanity.     Profanity  is  a  brutal  vice  and  a  sure 

sign  of  bad  breeding. 
Don't  swar  out  loud. — Bronco  Bill. 
Ef  yer  hev  tu  swar,  don't  say  "durn  it,"  say  "Damit" 

— like  a  Dutchman. — Bronco  Bill. 

Profess.    Profess  nothing  you  are  unable  to  do. 

Better  possess  than  profess. 
Profit.     Profit  by  the  mistakes  of  others. 

You  can't  afford  to  work  for  nothing  and  board 

yourself. 

A  prophet  is  without  profit  unless  he  makes  a  good 
guess. 

Profuse.     He  that  is  profuse  is  never  profound. 

Progress.  Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  truth  ad- 
vance, 

And  conquering  Science  shakes  her  shining  lance 

Full  in  the  face  of  stubborn  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign   of  Reason. 

If   you   are   content   with   your   progress   you    will 
cease  to  progress. 

Progress,  not  precedent. 

We  hev  got  tu   the  pint  in  pollytics   whar  we're 
progressin'  back'ards. — Bronco  Bill. 

Promise.     Slow  to  promise,  prompt  to  perform. 


232  LACONICS 


Hooks  baited  with  promises  catch  gudgeons. 
He  that  promises  too  much  means  nothing. 
Promise    may    make    a    friend,    performance    will 

keep  him. 

Promises  are  cheap,  performance  dear. 
Perform  first,  promise  afterwards. 
A  promise  is  poor  payment. 
Swift  to  promise,  slow  to  perform. 
He  lives   in   the  land  of   promise  and   eats   roast 

chickens   before   they   are   hatched. 
A  promise  is  a  debt. 
Better    a    dollar    today    than    a    promise    of    two 

tomorrow. 
A    fool's    mouth    is    open    for    hooks    baited    with 

promises. 
In   pollytics   don't  promise  nuthin'    till   arfter   yer 

beat. — Bronco  Bill. 

Prompt — promptness.     Better  be  ten  minutes  ahead 

than  ten  seconds  behind. 
Be  slow  to  promise,  prompt  to  fulfill. 

Property.     Property  has  its  duties  as  well  as  its 

rights. 

The  individual  ownership  of  property  is  the  foun- 
dation of  civilization. 

Prophet.  Prophets  seldom  profit  by  their  prophe- 
cies. 

The  best  prophet  of  the  future  is  the  past. — Byron. 

The  woods  are  full  of  prophets. 

Thar  ain't  no  profit  in  a  prophet  whose  prophecies 
air — "I  told  yer  so." — Brotico  Bill. 

We  are  often  prophets  for  others,  and  fools  for 
ourselves. 


LACONICS  233 


A  prophet  is  not  without  honor  save  in  his  own 
country,  and  in  his  own  house. — Luke  13-57. 

Propitious.     Watch  for  the  propitious  time. 

Prosperity.     They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap 

in  prosperity. 
Beware    of    the    prosperity    that    loads    you    with 

debt. 

In  prosperity,  economy;  in  adversity,   fortitude. 
He  who  is  insolent  in  prosperity  will  be  a  coward 

in  adversity. 
In   prosperity   friends   flock   to   you ;   in   adversity 

they  scatter. 

Hard  work  is  still  the  road  to  prosperity. 
Prosperity    is    a    touchstone ;    it    will    prove    the 

metal  a  man  is  made  of. 

All  classes  are  benefited  by  the  prosperity  of  one. 
What    prosperity    conceals    adversity    reveals. 
A  lamb  in  prosperity,  a  lion  in  adversity. 
In  adversity  calm ;  in  prosperity  calm. 
In  prosperity  beware  of  your  friends,  in  adversity 

they  will  beware  of  you. 

Protect.    Protect  the  toiling  millions  by  just  laws. 

— Men. 

Protection.     Put  up  the  bars ;  bar  out  the  pauper 

hordes ; 

Bar  out  their  products  that  compete  with  ours: 
Give  honest  toil  at  home  an  honest  chance; 
Build  up  our  own  and  keep  our  coin  at  home. 
In  vain  oUr  mines  pour  forth  their  tons  of  gold 
And  silver,  if  by  every  ship  they  sail 
For  London,   Paris,   Birmingham  and   Berlin. 

— Men. 


234  LACONICS 


Protection     shears    our     sheep;     free-trade     skins 

them. 
Such  protection  as  vultures  give  to  lambs. 

— Sheridan — (Pizzaro) . 
Proverb.       Proverbs    are    the    distilled  wisdom  of 

ages. 

Proverbs,  wisdom  boiled  down. 
Proverbs  should  be  writ  in  pairs. 
Patch  poverty  with  proverbs. 
The  wit  of  one  man,  the  wisdom  of  many. 

— Lord  John   Russell. 

Shakespur  wuzn't  no  poet  like  me,  Jo ;  he  picked 
all  the  best  bones  outer  the  proverbs,  an'  biled 
'em  with  Bacon. — Bronco  Bill. 

Providence.     God  tempers  the  shorn  lamb  to  the 
winds. 

Hope  and  trust; 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan: 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just; 

Hope  and  trust. — Dust  to  Dust. 
The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun-touched 

sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  earth? 
Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond, 
Or  ever  wilt.     Content  thee ;  let  it  be : 
Know  only  this — there  is  a  Power  unknown, 
Master  of  life  and  builder  of  the  worlds. — Beyond. 
Lo  in  the  midst  we  stand :  we  cannot  see 
Either  the  dark  beginning  or  the  end, 
Or  where  our  tottering  footsteps  turn  or  trend 


LACONICS  235 


In  the  vast  orbit  of  Eternity. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Stretch  forth  thy  hand,  O  man, 
To  the  winds  and  the  quaking  earth — 
To  the  heaving  and  falling  sea — 
To  the  ultimate  stars — and  feel 
The  throb  of  the  spirit  of  God — 
The  pulse  of  the  Universe. — Lines,  etc. 
Plant   and   till  your  garden   well   and   Providence 

will  give  you  a  crop. 
If  you  leap  into  the  sea,  Providence  is  not  bound 

to  fish  you  out. 

Rev.    Mr. — "Trust   in    Providence,    sister." 
Deaf  old  Lady:    "I  kin  du  better  fer  cash." 

Prudence.     Prudence  is  the  pivot  on  which  a  wise 

man  turns. 

Fortitude  and  prudence  make  a  good  span. 
Fortune  is   the   friend  of  prudence. 
Presumption   leaps,   prudence   creeps. 

Psalm.     All  the  grub  that  war  left  fer  them  pore 

shorn  lambs. 

War  a  ferkin  uf  pickled  herrin'  an'  clams, 
One  ole  black  Bible  an'  a  Book  uf  Sams, 
An'  forty  bar'ls  uf  Holland  gin. — Bronco  Bill. 
An'  the  fust  thing  he  did — thet  Puritan  kid — 
Arfter  singin'  a  sam  an'  prayin'  a  pra'r, 
War  tu  shute  a  Injun  an'  skelp  his  har; 
An'  Captin  Standish  an'  Elder  Brewster 
They  patted  thet  kid  an'  called  'im  "The  Ruster." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

They   sing  ole   Sams   an'   Sagas, 
An'  raise  hell  an'  ruta-bagas, 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow  Boy  Ballads, 


236  LACONICS 


The  choir  sang  a  psalm  of  praise — for  themselves. 

Public.    Who  serves  the  public  serves  a  fickle  mas- 
ter. 

Who  serves  the  public  serves  a  poor  paymaster. 
Yer  kin  "dam'  the  people,"  but  yer  cain't  dam  'em 

up. — Bronco  Bill. 

"The    public   be    dam'd !" — Mr.    Vander,    how   high 
hev  yer  "bilt"  yer  dam? — Bronco  Bill. 

Public  Opinion.     In    a    republic  public  opinion  is 

boss. 

Nothing   is   more   capricious   than   public   opinion. 
Men    will    face    shot    and    shell    rather    than    face 
public  opinion. 

Pudding.    Keep  your  fingers  out  of  my  pudding. 
He's  a  puddin'-head  without  plums. 

Pull  down.    Pull  down  the  toiler;  lift  the  idler  up? 

— Men. 

The  play  is  over;  pull  down  the  curtain. 
Pull   down   the   hawk's   nest   before   the   eggs   are 

hatched. 

Pull  down  the  hornet's  nest  with  a  long  pole. 
A  fool  can  pull  down  faster  than  a  wise  man  can 

build  up. 

Pull  up.     It  is  easier  to  pull  down  than  to  pull  up. 
It  is  hard  pulling  up  hill. 

Pun.    There's  a  bit  of  fun  in  a  witty  pun. 
He  is  full  of  pickled  puns. 
Thet  feller  is  ful  uf  criminal  instinks, —  he's  allus 

perpetratin'  puns. — Bronco  Bill. 
Don't  pun-ish  us  with  old  puns ; 
Hev   mercy   on   us;   thet   ole   pun   is   pun-ishment 

enuff. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  237 


Punctual — punctuality.  If  you  would  catch  the 
train,  better  be  ten  minutes  ahead  than  ten  sec- 
onds behind. 

I  owe  all  my  success  in  life  to  having  been  al- 
ways a  quarter  of  an  hour  before  my  time. 

— Lord   Nelson. 

Make  punctuality  a  cardinal  rule. 
He  wuz  allus  punctooal  at  "grub-time." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Punishment.    To  pardon  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the 

innocent. 

He  who  sins  inflicts  his  own  punishment. 
Nature  never  pardons ;  she  punishes. 
Punish  crime  to  prevent  crime. 

Pure — purity.    The  finest  diamonds  have  flaws. 
There  are  spots  on  the  sun. 
She  is  pure  as  snow,  and — as  cold. 
If  you  want  pure  water  go  to  the  fountain-head. 

Puritan.     The  old  Puritans  tried  to  get  to  Heaven 

on  a  bridge  of  sighs  and  psalms. 
The    Puritan    hated    bear-bating,    not    because    it 

gave    pain    to    the    bear,    but    because    it    gave 

pleasure  to  the  spectators. — Macaulay. 
They  muffled  all  the  bells  of  gladness. 

— Robert    G.    Ingersoll. 
Our  Puritan  fathers  believed  in  witchcraft,  and  at 

Salem  hanged  fourteen  poor  women  to  prove  it. 
In  hope  to  merit  Heaven  by  making  earth  a  Hell. 

— Byron. 

He  kim  over,  a  kid,  in  the  Mayflower  flock; 
In  a  blizzard  they  landed  on  Plymouth  Rock. 
They  war  out  at  the  toes  an'  jist  about  froze, 
An'  hed  a  cant-tankerous  twang  in  the  nose. 


238  LACONICS 


All  the  grub  thet  war  left   fer  them  pore,  shorn 

lambs 

War  a  ferkin  uf  pickled  herrin'  an'  clams, 
One  ole  black  Bible  an'  a  Book  uf  Sams, 
An'  forty  bar'ls  uf  Holland  gin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Purpose.     Work  steadily  to  a  worthy  purpose  and 

you  will  win. 

Men    lack    purpose    and    persistence    more    than 
talent. 

Puppet.     We  are  puppets,  Man  in  his  pride,  and 

Beauty  fair  in  her  flower ; 
Do  we  move  ourselves,  or  are  moved  by  an  unseen 

hand  at  a  game. — Tennyson. 
Yet  I  doubt  not  through  the  ages  one  increasing 

purpose  runs, 
And  the  thoughts   of  men   are   widened  with   the 

process  of  the  suns. — Tennyson. 

Pursuit.     It  don't  pay  to  pursue  an  express  train 

with  a  hand-car. 
Half  the  pleasure  is  in  the  pursuit. 

Push.    Push  your  way — strike  the  iron  till  it  is  hot. 
When  yer  agin  a  barb-wire  fence,  don't  push. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Pygmy.    We  only  know  that  we  are  men — 

Midge-midgets   on   this   grain   of   sand 
That  rolls  around  our  lesser  sun 
Where  myriad  suns  obey   His  hand. — Message. 
Pygmies  are  pygmies  still,  though  perched  on  alps; 
And  pyramids  are  pyramids  in  vales. — Young. 
Most  men  are  pigs;  all  men  are  pygmies. 
He  wuz  the  runt  pig  uf  a  littler  uf  pig-mies. 

— Bronco  BUI. 


LACONICS  239 


Q 

Quack.  Quack  quackles  quack  when  doctors  dis- 
agree. 

The  quack  is  full  of  remedies  for  imaginary  ills. 

Ef  thar  wuzn't  so  many  fools  yer  wudn't  har  so 
many  quacks  quackin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Every  quack  quacks  and  the  biggest  quack  quacks 
the  loudest. 

Thet  quack's  quack  won't  kill  yer  ef  yer  don't 
take  his  pills. — Bronco  Bill. 

Quarrel.     When  steel  strikes  flint  the  fire  flies. 
It  takes  two  to  quarrel. 

He  who  quarrels   with  a   skunk   likes   perfume. 
In  every  quarrel  both  sides  are  to  blame. 
It   don't   always   take   two   to   have    a   quarrel,    a 

man   can    quarrel    with    himself,    and    often    he 

ought  to. 

Beware   of   entrance   to   a   quarrel,   but,   being   in, 
Bear't  that  th'  opposed  may  beware  of  thee. 

— Shakespeare 
If  yer  don't  want  a  bloody  nose  don't  poke  it  intu 

ether  men's  quarrels. — Bronco  Bill. 
I  won't  quarrel  with  my  bread  and  butter. — Swift. 
Thrice  is  he  armed  that  hath  his  quarrel  just. 

— Shakespeare. 
The  best  way  tu  git  out  uf  a  quarrel  is  never  tn 

git  intu  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
The  second  bad  word  makes  the  quarrel. 
Ef   yer  bound  tu  quarrl,  pick   some   ether   feller, 

er  kick  the  hindeend  uf  a  mool. — Bronco  Bill. 
He  wuz  allus  quarrelin'  with  his  stumick  an'  the 

Lord. — Bronco  Bill. 


240  LACONICS 


Question.     The  quibbler  quirks  the  question. 
A  prudent  question  is  a  proof  of  wisdom. 
Ask  me  no  questions  and  I'll  tell  you  no  fibs. 

— Goldsmith. 
Don't  "pop  the  question"  tu  loud. — Bronco  Bill. 

Quotation.    An  apt  quotation  is  always  short. 
How  glibly  the  devil  quotes  Scripture ! 
Better  not  quote  than  misquote. 
He  quotes  Scriptur  like  a  pulpit  polytician. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He   misquotes   the   truth. 

He    has    a    habit    of    quoting    without    quotation- 
marks. 
With  just  enough  of  learning  to  misquote. 

— Byron. 

He  wuz  ole  "Quotation  marks,"  he  cud  quote 
anythin'  from  Gunnel  Moses  up  tu  Gunnel 
Roosevelt. — Bronco  Bill. 


Rabid — rabies.     The  very  babes  barked  rabies. 

— Men. 
Thet  "reformer"  rants  like  he  hed  the  rabies. 

— Bronco  Bill 

Rage.     Let  rage  waste  itself  in  idle  fury. 
Rage  is  for  beasts,  not  for  men. 

Rain.     Let  it  rain,  we  are  water-proof. 
O  fickle  Fortune,  how  thy  favors  fall — 
Like  rain,  upon  the  just  and  the  unjust. — Pauline 
No  atom  lost  and  not  one  atom  gained, 
Though  fire  to  vapor  melt  the  adamant, 
Or  feldspar  fall  in  drops  of  summer  rain. 

— Beyond. 


LACONICS  241 


One  dumb,  lone  lark  sits  shivering  in  the  rain. 

— O   Let  Me  Dream,  etc. 
If  it  rained  gold   coins  he  wouldn't  be   ready  to 

catch  them. 

If  it  rained  ducks  his  gun  wouldn't  be  ready. 
The  rain  does  not  fall  "where  it  listeth,"  but  where 

the  law  of  gravitation  draws  it. 
It  rained  pitchforks — tines  down. 
Let  'er  rain;  us  cowboys  ain't  made  outer  sugar 

— Bronco  Bill 
Rainbow.     Never  a  rainbow  without  a  cloud. 

Ramparts.     Thet    gran'    ole    man,    brave    Brigham 

Young! 

He  sweetly  thar  reposes: 
He  war  a  bigger  man  thun  Humer  sung, 
An'  a  better  man  thun  Moses. 
An'  when  they  sent  a  army  here — 
Thet  thar  ole  bump — Buchanan — 
He  found  in  thet  brave  pioneer 
That  these  ram-parts  hed  a  man  on. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads 

Ramshackle.     In  thet  thar  ole  ram-shackle 
Them  Mormons  call  "The  Tabernacle." 

— Bronco  Bill,  Coiv-Boy  Ballads 

Rank.     Rank  goes  by  favor. 
"I  out-rank  you,"  said  the  skunk  to  the  badger. 
His  offense  is  rank,  it  smells  of  garlic. 
The  rank  is  but  the  guinea's  stamp ; 
The  man's  the  gowd  for  a'  that. — Burns. 

Rascal.    No  one  so  much  resembles  an  honest  man 
as  a  shrewd  rascal. 

Rash.     Be  neither  rash  nor  timid. 


242  LACONICS 


May    you    never    grow    old    till    the    end   of    Old 
Time; 

May    you    never    be    cursed    with    an    itching    for 
rhyme, 

For  in  spite  of  your  physic,  in  spite  of  your  plas- 
ter, 

The  rash  will  break  out  till  you  go  to  disaster. 

— New  Year's  Address. 

Rattle.     Let  'im  rattle  his  little  tin  rattle, 

An'  root  on  his  little  tin  horn ; 
He  hez  allus  rattled  an'  tooted,  yer  know, 
Since  the  day  that  he  war  born. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 
Thet  jedge  is  jist  big  enuff  tu  rattle  on  the  bench. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Reading.     It   is   worse   than   time   wasted   to   read 

yellow  novels. 
Read   good   books    only,    and    winnow    the    wheat 

from  the  chaff. 

Wise  men  there  be — wise  in  the  eyes  of  men — 
Who  cram  their  hollow  heads  with  ancient  wit 
Cackled  in  Carthage,  babbled  in  Babylon, 
Gabbled  in  Greece,  and  riddled  in  old  Rome, 
And  never  coin  a  farthing  of  their  own. — Men. 
It  is  thinking  makes  what  we  read  ours. — Locke. 
Reading  maketh  a   full  man;  conference  a  ready 

man,  and  writing  an  exact  man. — Bacon. 

Ready.    The  wise  man  is  always  ready. 
Be  ready  fer  the  wust,  an'  du  yer  best. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

"Rough  and  ready,"  strong  and  steady; 
His  Yankee  mother  was  his  daddy. 


LACONICS  243 


Real.  /We  chase  the  ideal  and  miss  the  real. 
The  Ideal  blazes  the  trail  for  the  Real. 

Reap.     The  seed  ye  sow  another  reaps. — Shelley. 
Sow  evil  and  reap  sorrow ; 
Sow  today  and  reap  tomorrow. 
One  soweth  and  another  reapeth. — St.  John  4-37. 
Whatever  a  man  soweth,  that  shall  he  reap. 

— Galatians  6-7. 

They  have  sown  the  wind,  and  they  shall  reap  the 
whirlwind. — Hosca  8-7. 

Reason.     Reason  is  the  lamp-light  of  man. 

Spice  reason  with  wit. 

Don't  mistake  your  will   for  your  reason. 

Don't  talk  reason  to  gabbling  geese. 

Reason  is  God's  best  gift  to  man. 

The  most  uncommon  thing  is  common-sense. 

— Men. 

If  you  have  no  good   reason   for  doing  it,   don't 
do  it. 

The  wise  are  taught  by  reason,  most  men  by  ex- 
perience, fools  by  nothing. — After  Cicero. 

If  you  will  not  hear  Reason,  she  will  surely  rap 
your  knuckles. — Franklin. 

I  have  no  other  but  a  woman's  reason ; 

I  think  him  so  because  I  think  him  so. 

— Shakespeare. 

What  can  we  reason,  but  from  what  we  know? 

— Pope. 

Men  lift  their  foreheads  to  the  rising  sun, 

And  lo  the  reign  of  Reason  is  begun. 

Fantastic  phantasms  fly  before  the  light — 

Pale  gibbering  ghosts  and  ghouls  and  goblin  fears; 


244  LACONICS 


Man  who  hath   walked  in  sleep — what  thousands 

years ! 

Groping  among  the  shadows  of  the  night, 
Moon-struck  and  in  a  weird  somnambulism, 
Mumbling  some  cunning  cant  or  catechism, 
Thrilled  by  the  electric  magic  of  the  skies — 
Sun-touched  by  Truth — awakes  and  rubs  his  eyes. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Let  reason  be  our  light,  the  only  light 
That  God  hath  given  unto  benighted  man 
Wherewith  to  get  a  glimpse  of  his  vast  plan 
And  stars  of  hope  that  glimmer  on  our  night. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Yea,  superstition,  since  the  world  began, 
Hath  been  a  magic  wand  to  govern  man; 
For  men  were  beasts  and  brutal  fear  was  given 
To  chain  the  brute  till  Reason  came  from  heaven. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Reason  was  given  to  man  that  he  might  become 

a  god. 

Temper  all  things  with  reason. 
We   are   led  less   by  reason  than  by   custom   and 

habit. 

Rebuke.    The  rebuke  of  the  wise  is  better  than  the 

praise  of  a  fool. 
If  thy  friend  rebuke  thee,  thank  him. 

Reckon — reckoning.     He  reckons    without    reason. 
If  you  will  "flash,"  pay  the  reckoning. 

Recommend.    Beware  of  the  man  who  comes  to  you 
highly  recommended  by  himself. 

Recreation.     Unbend  the  bow  or  else  the  bow  will 
break. — Pauline. 


LACONICS  245 


A  time  for  work  and  a  time  for  play 

Will  make  a  man  healthy,  happy  and  gay. 

The  mind  needs  recreation  as  well  as  the  body. 

Redeem.     Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 
If  you  have  made  a  promise   redeem   it. 

Refinement.     Don't  refine  refinement  too  fine ;  save 
the  fiber. 

We're  refinin'  our  cullege-boys  intu  sports  an'  molly- 
cuddles. — Bronco  Bill. 

Don't  try  to  refine  pure  gold  with  brass,  or  to 
paint  the  lily  with  a  paint  pot. 

Reflection.    He  that  will  not  reflect  is  ruined. 
A  wise  man  reflects  before  he  speaks; 
A  fool  speaks  first  and  reflects  afterwards. 
Our  passions  are  reflected  in  our  faces. 

Reform.     I  sings  mein  leetel  song — "Reform  ; ;' 
Dot  shakes  der  goundry  like  a  sdorm; 
Und  makes  die  peobles  all  pelief 
I  eats  mein  dinner  on  a  tief. — C.  S.  (Ms.) 
When  Lycurgus  proposed  to  reform  the  state  of 
Sparta,    a    wild-eyed    "reformer"    said    to    him : 
"Give   everybody  an  equal  voice  in   the  govern- 
ment."    "Try    it    in    your   own   house,"    replied 
Lycurgus. 

If  you  would  reform  a  city,  start  in  on  the  dog- 
catcher. 
Loud-mouthed   "Reformers"  are  always  hungry — 

for  office  or  notoriety. 

These  red-mouthed  "reformers" — demagogues  and 
pedagogues — are  "reforming"  the  country  of 
Washington  and  Lincoln  into  Anarchy. 


246  LACONICS 


The  reform  mayor  wants  an  army  of  tax-eaters  to 
reform  the  city. 

These  air  the  days  uf  Reform.  They  air  reformin' 
ev'rythin',  frum  petticoats  an'  hair-pins  tu  grape- 
juice  an'  the  constitootion. — Bronco  Bill. 

You  can't  reform  the  world  in  a  day  if  you  preach 
all  night. 

I'm  in  fer  "Reform";  let's  begin  on  our  fore- 
fathers ;  they  need  it  the  wust. — Bronco  Bill. 

Regret.     Hope,  ahead ;  regret,  behind. 

Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
Every  old  hat  is  full  of  regret. 
Life  is  too  short  for  regret, — go  ahead,  do  better. 
A  month  of  bliss,  a  year  of  hell : 

'Twere  better  if  we  had  not  met; 
But  only  weaklings  hug  regret, 

And  so  we  part, — and  it  is  well. 
Of  all  sad  words  of  tongue  or  pen, 
The  saddest  are  these:  "It  might  have  been." 

— Whittier. 
Of  all  sad  words  of  tongue  or  pen, 

The  saddest  air  these:  I  might  a-hed  Ben. 

— Sally  Ann. 

Regular.    Always  regular  in  his  irregularities. 
He's  allus  regelar  on  borryin',  but  mighty  onsartin 
on  the  pay. — Bronco  Bill. 

Relax — relaxations.     Unbend  the  bow,  or  else  the 

bow  will  break. 
Don't  relax;  keep'er  keyed  up. — Bronco  Bill. 

Religion.     Religion  is  as  natural  to  man  as  the  air 
he  breathes. 


LACONICS  247 


Bigotry  murders  religion  to  frighten  fools  with 
her  ghost. — Colton. 

'I  have  slight  touches  of  it  occasionally,"  said  a 
deaf  and  rheumatic  old  lady,  when  the  min- 
ister asked  her  if  she  had  religion. 

Superstition  is  the  religion  of  the  ignorant. 

I  don't  like  a  hypercrite  thet's  so  ful  uf  religin  thet 
he  hain't  got  no  room  fer  honesty. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  carries  his  religion  in  his  pocket. 

Old  religious  factions  are  volcanoes  burnt  out. 

— Edmund  Burke. 

Thar  ain't  no  authordox  religin  'though  a  Devil 
in  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Every  people  make  their  own  religion. 

Don't  mistake  superstition  for  religion. 

The  true  religion  is  to  do  right  by  your  fellowmen. 

My  religion  is  to  do  good. — Thomas  Paine. 

All  religions  are  the  children  of  men;  they  are 
the  true  proofs  of  morality,  principles  and  man- 
ners.— Napoleon. 

Nothing  renders  a  nation  so  despicable  as  re- 
ligious despotism. — Napoleon. 

Man  has  need  of  something  wonderful.  It  is 
best  for  him  to  seek  it  in  religion. — Napoleon. 

The  moral  code  of  Jesus  is  the  same  as  that  of 
Plato. — Napoleon. 

There  are  many  religions,  but  there  is  only  one 
morality. — Ruskin. 

My  creed  is — he  is  safe  that  does  his  best. 

— Cowper. 
Religion  at  best  is  "a  great  Perhaps."     Men  will 

wrangle  for  it,  fight  for  it,  die  for  it;  anything 

but  live  for  it. — Colton. 


248  LACONICS 


My  Religion :  I  believe  in  the  fatherhood  of  God, 
the  motherhood  of  Nature,  and  the  brotherhood 
of  man. — H.  L.  G. 

Liberty  is  my  religion — liberty  of  hand  and  brain 
— liberty  of  thought  and  labor. 

— Robert  G.  Ingersoll. 
I  am  the  slave  of  no  phantom;  I  am  the  serf  of 

no  book. — Robert  G.  Ingersoll. 
Just  to  the  extent  we  become  civilized  ourselves 
will  we  improve  the  religion  of  our  fathers. 

— Robert    G.    Ingersoll. 

Every  religion  in  the  world  has  denounced  every 
other  religion  as  a  fraud. 

— Robert    G.    Ingersoll. 

Remember — remembrance.  Remember  your  friends 
and  don't  forget  your  enemies. 

The  remembrance  of  one's  faults  and  follies  leads 
to  wisdom. 

Remembrance  of  one's  good  deeds  is  pleasant  to 
the  soul. 

Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  for- 
get your  virtues. 

Remember  to  forget  unkindness. 

Remorse.     When  a  good  man  has  done  wrong,  re- 
morse gnaws  him. 
The  bad  man  feels  remorse  when  he  is  caught. 

Repentance.     The  wolf  repents  that  he  fails  to  get 

the  lamb. 
The  burglar  repents  because  he  blew  the  safe  open 

and   found  nothing. 

"Mother,"  said  Johnie  in  tears,  "I  repent."     "What 
have  you  done,  my  dear  boy?"  asked  the  mother. 


LACONICS  249 


"Nuthin,"    said   Johnie,    "on'y    Bill   Butler   called 
me  a  liar  and  I  didn't  lick  'im." 
The  best  repentance  is  reparation. 
Death-bed  repentance  seldom  reaches  to  restitution. 

— "Junius." 

Of  what  good  is  repentance  without  reform? 
To  do  it  no  more  is  the  true  repentance. 

— Martin  Luther. 
Report.    False  report  goes  by  fast  express ;  the  truth 

follows  on  a  freight-train. 
You  uncivil  cit — you  quote  Barbour's  Reports? 

That's  barbarous  indeed,  sir,  in  civilized  courts; 
And  "Common  Reports?"  why,  you  know  they're 

all  lies,  sir, 
And  just  made  to  order  and  all  of  assize,  sir. 

— Quips  and  Quirks. 
Repose.     Repose  is  power. 

A  flea  can  break  the  repose  of  a  giant. 

Republic.     It  takes  a  good  many  fools  to    run    a 
republic. 

A  republic  damns  her  best  men. 

Republics  breed  thieves  and  demagogues. 

The  Republican  form  of  government  is  the  highest 
form  of  government;  but  because  of  this,  it  re- 
quires the  highest  type  of  human  nature — a  type 
nowhere  at  present  existing. — Herbert  Spencer. 
(The  Americans). 

Reputation.    Take  care  of  your  character  and  your 
reputation  will  take  care  of  itself. 

A  great  reputation  is  a  great  noise. — Napoleon. 

Seeking  the  bubble  reputation 

Even   in  the  cannon's  mouth. — Shakespeare. 


250  LACONICS 


Your   reputation   is   what   men   say   of   you,   your 

character  is  what  you  are. 
Reputation  is  rarely  proportioned  to  merit. 
"He  hed  a  big  reputation  cuz  he  blew  a  big  mouth 

an'  a  brass-band." — Bronco  Bill. 

Resentment.     Resentment  is  right,  but  revenge  re- 
coils on  the  revenger. 

Respect.     Respect  yourself  if  you  wish  the  respect 

of  others. 

We  air  ful  uf  respect  fer  the  millionaire's  money. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Rest.     Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. 

— Poetry. 

The  body  will  rest  if  the  mind  will  let  it. 
Only  dead  men  rest. 
I  have  little  time  to  rest  now,  I  have  an  eternity 

of  rest  before  me. 
In  rest  we  rust. — Poetry. 

Result.     Look  to  the  result. 

Pore  cuss ;  he  tackled  a  grizzly  with  a  "big  stick" : 
Jist  look  at  the  result! — nuthin'  left  but  his  Bos- 
ton boots  an'  his  cullege  cap. — Bronco  Bill. 

Return.     Her  low  "good-bye"  and  tender  eye 
Implored  him  to  return  again. 
The  lost  day  will  never  return. 

Revelation.     Without  our  reason  how  can  we  read 

"Revelation"? 

A  new  fact  discovered  in  Nature  is  a  new  revela- 
tion. 
Nature  is  full  of  Revelations  and  miracles. 


LACONICS  251 


Revenge.    Revenge  is  dear  at  any  price. 

Revenge  is  a  much  more  punctual  pay-master 

than  gratitude. 

How  often  men  prefer  revenge  to  their  interests. 
He   who   punishes    for    revenge,    himself    commits 

a  crime. 

Revenge  is  the  mother  of  miseries. 
Fools   think   revenge   is   sweet;   it  is   the  bitterest 

of  bitters. 
Resentment   is    right,   but   revenge   recoils   on   the 

revenger. 

Revenge  is  the  weapon  of  the  weak. 
The  best  revenge  for  a  wrong  is  to  forgive  it. 
Secret  revenge  is  the  weapon  of  the  coward. 
The  big  man  is  above  revenge. 
Revenge  never  paid  ten  cnts  on  the  dollar. 
The    shot   that   killed   Alexander    Hamilton    killed 

Aaron  Burr. 
Life   is   too   short    for   revenge,   and    eternity   too 

long. 
At  an  anti-England  mass-meeting  in  Dublin  it  was 

unanimously    resolved,    "To    gather    up    all    the 

notes  of  the  Bank  of  England  and  make  a  bon- 
fire and  burn  'em" — for  revenge. 
It  costs  more  to  revenge  injuries  than  to  bear  them. 

— Bishop  Thomas  Wilson. 
Revenge  is  a  kind  of  wild  justice. — Bacon. 
A  man  that  studieth  revenge  keeps  his  own  wounds 

green. — Bacon. 
A  bitter  heart  that  bides  its  times  and  bites. 

— Robert  Bro^vning. 

Nous  vous  f rappons  par  culotte  et  manche ! — 
Revanche  ! — revanche  ! — revanche ! — revanche ! 

— Johnny  Crapaud,  on  the  Germans. — Cow-Boy 
Ballads. 


252  LACONICS 


Revolution.  Revolution  defeated  is  treason;  suc- 
cessful, patriotism. 

"Revolutions  never  go  backward,"  but  they  often 
end  at  the  end  of  a  rope. 

Reward.  God  is  a  prompt  pay-master.  He  pays 
us  what  we  earn — good  or  evil. 

"Virtue  is  its  own  reward"?  Durn  pore  pay, 
Mister,  when  a  feller  is  out  at  the  toes,  an'  jist 
about  froze,  an'  his  stumick  is  turrible  gnaw- 
in'  an'  thin. — Bronco  Bill. 

"Mother,"  said  her  little  cub,  "I've  been  good  fer 
ten  minutes,  an'  I  want  my  reward." 

Rhetoric.     Truth  is  true  rhetoric. 

Wings  and  tailfeathers  and  squawk  are  the  rhet- 
oric of  a  "spread-eagle"  orator. 
Rhetoric  is  reason  well  dressed. 

Rich — riches.    To  leave  a  son  a  fortune  is,  nine  times 

out  of  ten,  to  leave  him  a  misfortune. 
How    many    of    his    millions    did    Harriman    take 

with  him  to  invest  on  the  other  side? 
It  is  better  to  live  rich  than  to  die  rich. 

— Dr.  Johnson. 

He  is  rich  who  has  health,  a  loaf,  and  no  debts. 
Poor  and  content  is  rich,  and  rich  enough. 

— Shakespeare. 

"Vat  for  you  vill  be  poor,  wenn  zwei  glass  lager 
vill  mak  you  reech  ?" — Hans. 

He  that  has  enough  is  as  rich  as  Rockefeller. 

It  is  not  what  we  take  up  but  what  we  give  up 

that  makes  us  rich. — H.  W .  Beecher. 
And  passing  rich  with  forty  pounds  a  year. 

— Goldsmith 


LACONICS  253 


The   rich  plunder  the  poor  and  the  poor  plunder 

the  rich. 
As  in  a   forest  tall  trees  overshadow   and   dwarf 

the  small  one,  so  in  the  multitudes  of  men,  the 

rich   and   powerful   overshadow   and   dwarf   the 

poor  and   feeble. 
Would'st    thou    be    rich?    The    earth    is    full    of 

riches,  dig. 
Rich  men  without  good  sense  are  but  sheep,  and 

everybody  is  ready  to  shear  them. 
Riches   are   a   heavy   burden,   but   most   men   are 

anxious  to  carry  it. 
It  is  madness  to  live  poor  to  die  rich. 

Ridicule.    Who  can  argue  against  a  horse-laugh? 

The  lance  of  chivalry  was  shivered  by  the  goose- 
quill  of  Cervantes. 

The  "Greeley  wave"  was  turned  into  soap-suds 
by  the  pencil  of  Thomas  Nast. 

Ridicule  is  more  often  effective  than  reason. 

Ridicule  is  a  weapon  that  only  shrewd  men  can 
handle. 

Ridiculous.  "It  is  only  one  step  from  the  sublime 
to  the  ridiculous"  and  the  gentleman  took  it 
with  both  feet.— Letter  of  Author,  St.  Paul 
Globe,  1883. 

Riding.     Circus  ridin'  ain't  no  picnic, 

Leastwise  double  ridin'  ain't, 
With  one  foot  on  the  devil 

An'  the  ether  on  a  saint. — Bronco  Bill. 
Dr.   Wood,  he  war  the   Cunnel,   Bob; 

But  Teddy  wuz  the  boss ; 
Our  Ted  he  rid  his  bronco,  Bob, 

An'  Wood — she — he — rid  a  hoss 


254  L  A  C  O  N  1C  S 


Thet  niver   felt  a  currycomb 

An'  niver  smelt  uf  oats ; 
An'  he  rid  on  a  side-saddle,  Bob, 

In  pantalets  an'  petticoats. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 

Right.     It  is  better  to  be  right  than  consistent. 
We  measure  right  by  the  hand  of  might. 
I  would  rather  be  right  than  be  president. 

— Henry    Clay. 
Be  sure  you  are  right:  then  go  ahead. 

— David  Crockett. 
Right  wrongs  no  man. 

It  is  a  safe  path  that  always  turns  to  the  right. 
Let  us  have  faith  that  right  makes  might. 

— Abraham  Lincoln. 

Rime.  His  head  is  ful  uf  rimes  an'  rhythms  an' 
ether  riggles  thet  nobody  kears  a  darn  fer  but 
his-self. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  rimes  without  reason. 

Gimme  the  rimes  thet  chimes  with  dollars  an' 
dimes. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ripe.    When  the  peach  is  ripe,  pluck  it. 
When  the  time  is  ripe  God  sends  the  man. 

— Columbus. 
Sooner  ripe,  sooner  rotten. — Prov. 

He  has  ripened  and  gone  to  seed. 

Rise.  This  fellow  falls  from  grace  every  day  in 
the  week  but  one:  he  always  rises  agnin  on 
Sunday. 

He  is  a  strong  man  who  can  rise  every  time  he 
falls. 


LACONICS  255 


Risk.     He  who  risks  nothing-  will  win  but  little. 
If  you  bet  on  a  ''sure  thing"  you  are  sure  to  lose. 
Don't  pull   the   trigger  till  you  are  sure  of   your 

aim. 
If  you  are  "between  the  devil  and  the  deep  sea," 

take  the  risk  of  "standing  pat." 
He  who  has  nothing  to  lose  may  risk  all. 

Road.     On  the  wrong-  road  the  faster  you  run  the 

farther  you  fall  behind. 

It  is  a  bad  road  that  leads  to  the  poor-house. 
It  is   a   dangerous    road   that   never   turns   to   the 
right. 

Rogue.     No  honest  man  has  need  of  a  rogue. 
The  rogue  that  will  steal  for  you,  will  steal  from 

you. 

A  rogue  is  a  roundabout  fool. — Coleridge. 
Where  fools  are  scarce  rogues  go  hungry. 

Rome.  In  Rome,  a  Roman ;  in  Greece,  a  Greek ; 
in  America — all  sorts,  from  a  Yankee  to  a  Hot- 
tentot. 

Room.     In  a  log-cabin  12x12  there  is  room  enough 

for  two  and  happiness. 
There  is  plenty  of  room  on  the  roof. 
There  is  always  room  at  the  top. — Daniel  Webster. 

Rope.  He  is  knotting  a  rope  to  hang  himself. 
You  can't  hold  a  bull  with  a  "rope  of  sand." 
Loop  a  rope  for  your  enemy  and  put  your  own 

foot  in  it. 

He  went  in  fer  "glory,"  an'  kim  out  on  the  end  uf 
a  rope. — Bronco  Bill. 


256  LACONICS 


Rot — rotten.     Something-  is  rotten  in  the  state  of 

Denmark. — Shakespeare. 

Ripe  and  rotten  and  soon  forgotten. — Proverb. 
And  so  from  hour  to  hour,  we  ripe  and  ripe, 
And  then  from  hour  to  hour,  we  rot  and  rot. 

— Shakespeare. 
There  is  small  choice  in  rotten  apples. 

— Shakespeare. 
He  talks  like  a  saint,  but  he's  "all  rot." 

Rouge.  Look  out  for  vice  in  rouge  and  red  petti- 
coat. 

Rudder.    The  ship  without  a  rudder  is  bound  for  the 

rocks. 

Be  shore  yer  got  a  rudder  hitched  on  before  yer 
sail  in. — Bronco  Bill. 

Ruin.    His  success  was  his  ruin. 

Rule.    The  hand  that  rocks  the  cradle 
Is  the  hand  that  rules  the  world — 

— William  Ross  Wallace 
The  ole  hen  rules  the  roost. — Bronco  Bill. 
Diaz  ruled  Mexico,  for  her  own  good,  with  an  iron 

hand,  a  clear  head  and  a  warm  heart. 
"The  rule  of  three" — I — me — and  myself. 

Rumor.  Rumors,  like  snow-balls,  gather  as  they 
go :  to-day,  a  mouse ;  to-morrow,  a  mule,  and 
next  day  a  mammoth. 

Rumor  has  a  hundred  mouths,  a  thousand  tongues 
and  a  voice  like  a  brass-band. 

Russian.  Scratch  a  Russian  and  you  will  find  the 
Tartar. — Napoleon. 


LACONICS  257 


Rust.    Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent 

use; 
In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 

Better  wear  out  than  rust  out. 


S 

Sacrifice.    He  would  sacrifice  his  mother-in-law  for 
the  sake  of  peace. 

Sabbath.     He  prays  on  his  knees  on  the  Sabbath, 

and  preys  on  the  public  the  rest  of  the  week. 
The  Hebrew  word   Sabbath   means  simply  a   day 

of  rest  from  labor. 

"The  Sabbath  was  made  for  man,  and  not  man  for 
the  Sabbath."— Jesus.    (Mark  2-27.) 

Safety.     Best  safety  lies  in  fear. — Shakespeare. 

Sage.    A  sage  is  the  son  of  ages. 

Senator  Jack  Rabbit  is  a  sage  frum  the  sage-brush 
uf  Nevada. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sail.     Sail  boldly  when  the  wind  is  at  your  back ; 
When  the  wind  is  in  your  face,  trim  sail  and  tack. 

Sailor.     More  sailors  are  shipwrecked    in  port  than 

on  the  sea. 

They    both    hed    the    same    "medicine-man";    the 
"dope"   thet   cured   the   sailor   killed   the   tailor. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Saint.    An  artful  woman  makes  a  modern  saint. 

— Prior. 

He  wears  the  smile  of  a  saint  and  the  hoofs  of  a 
devil. 


258  LACONICS 


She'll  sanctify  a  saint,  an'  sin  with  a  pra'r. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Ef  yer  keep  on  sinnin',  yer'll  soon  be  a  saint,  Jo 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Saloon.    Sign   over  the   front   door  of   a    Montana 

saloon — "Short  line  to  Hell, — All  aboard." 
The  best  side  of  a  saloon  is  the  outside. 
The  saloon  is  the  devil's  contribution-box. 

Salt.     Mix  a  little  salt  with  your  pepper. 
His  wit  lacks  salt. 
That's  good  to  keep — salt  it  down. 
She    sobbed    an'    shed    salt    worter,    an'    won    the 

verdict  uf  the  jury. — Bronco  Bill. 
Thet  ole  squaw  salted  Cow  Creek  with  her  tears. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Samaritan.  The  world  is  full  of  "Good  Samari- 
tans without  the  oil  and  twopence." 
When  I'm  broke  I  cain't  find  no  "good  Samari- 
tans," but  when  I've  got  the  "jingles"  in  my 
pocket  they  come  a-runnin'  with  "sweet  oil"  an' 
wine. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sanctimonious.  He  wuz  a  sanctimoneyus  "cuss" ; 
he  passed  the  contribution  box  an'  stole  the 
money. — Bronco  Bill. 

San  Diego.  He  sailed  up  tu  Sandy  Ague  with 
Father  Juniper  Berry.  They  convarted  the  In- 
juns an'  the  squaws,  an'  larnt  'em  how  tu  say 
pra'rs  an'  salvos,  an'  sing  Te  Deliriums  an'  Sally 
Marias,  an'  tu  work  fer  nuthin'  an'  "eat"  ther- 
selves. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  259 


Sarcasm.    Sarcasm  is  a  chasm  that  many  smart  men 

fall  into. 
"Sarcasm  I  now  see  to  be,  in  general,  the  language 

of  the  devil." — Carlyle. 

Who  has  written  more  sarcasm  than  Carlyle? 
He  wuz  a  sarcaustic  "cuss" — allus  spittin'  pepper- 

sass. — Bronco   Bill. 
He  lived  on  sauerkraut  an'  sourcasm. — Bronco  Bill. 

Satiety.    The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  selfsame   tune 

Forever,  and  the  fairest  flower  that  gems 

The  garden,  if  it  bloomed  throughout  the  year, 

Would  blush  unsought.     The  most  delicious  fruits 

Pall  on  the  palate  if  we  taste  too  oft, 

And  Hyblan  honey  turns  to  bitter  gall. — Change. 

Satire.    Satire  is  all  right  on  a  satyr. 

Ridicule  and  satire  are  the  only  pins  that  will  prick 
through  the  hide  of  some  people. 

Sauce.     "Labor  is  the  best  sauce;"  it  makes  raw 

turnips  taste  like  fried  oysters. 
What  is  sauce  for  one  man  is  "sass"  for  another. 

Save.     The  alchemy    that    turns    everything    into 

gold — save. 

A  single  nail  may  save  a  ship. 
Save  your  pennies,  and  your  pennies  will  save  you. 
Let  'im  go :  a  fool  ain't  wuth  savin'. — Bronco  Bill. 

Savings-bank.  It  is  like  a  mine ;  it  is  easy  to  get 
your  money  in,  but  sometimes  hard  to  get  it 
out. 

A  run  on  the  bank:    "I  wants  mein  monish,"  said 
the    Dutch    depositor.      "Here    it    is,"    said    the 


260  LACONICS 


teller.  "You  got  'im?  Veil,  you  got  'im  I  no 
want  'im — you  no  got  'im  I  wants  'im  right  avay 
guick  already." 

Say.    It  is  easier  to  say  it  than  to  unsay  it. 
"They  say"  is  an  excuse  for  a  lie. 
Ef  yer  hain't  got  nuthin'  tu  say,  don't  say  nuthin'. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Say  nuthin',  an'  write  less. — Bronco  Bill. 

Scandal.  She  sugars  her  tea  with  gossip  and  pep- 
pers her  chops  with  scandal. 

Scape-goat.  There  are  many  scape-goats  for  our 
sins,  but  the  most  popular  is  Providence. 

— Mark  Twain. 

School.  Better  build  school-rooms  for  "the  boys," 
Than  cells  and  gibbets  for  "the  man." — Eliza  Cook. 
"He  keepit  a  schule  an'  ca'd  it  an  academy." 

Science — scientist.     Science    is    the    knowledge    of 

our  ignorance. 

Behold,  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 
And  conquering  Science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stubborn  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
How  deep  have  our  greatest  scientists  gone?    They 

have  barely  scratched  the  skin  of  the  earth. 
The  discovery  of  truth  is  the  aim  of  science. 

Scotch  Porrich.  Dr.  Johnson  was  dining  at  the 
house  of  a  Scotch  lady.  She  gave  him  a  dish 
of  "Scotch  porrich,"  and  after  he  had  tasted  it, 
asked  him  if  it  was  good.  "Very  good — for 
hogs,"  said  the  Dr.  "Then,  pray  let  me  help 
you  to  more  of  it,"  replied  the  lady. 


LACONICS  261 


Scruples.    He  has  too  many  scruples  to  his  dram. 

Sea.     He  goes  to  sea  in  a  gig  and  growls  at  the 

weather. 

If  you  swim  in  the  sea,  look  out  for  the  sharks. 
More  men  are  drowned  in  the  bottle  than  in  the 
sea. 

Secret — secrecy.     Pat:     "Biddy,   I've   a  gra-at   sa- 

cret,  an'  Oi  want  a  woman  te  help  me  kape  it."  * 
Never    seek    to    know    your    friend's    secrets,    and 

never  reveal  your  own. 
Secrets  are  bats — they  fly  in  the  night. 
There  is  only  one  to  whom  you  can  safely  trust 

your  secrets — yourself. 
Keep  your  secret  in  the  ice-box  or  it  will  get  you 

into  a  hot-box. 
Wine  spills  secrets. 

Don't  tell  yer  secrets  tu  a  feller  thet  wars  petticoats. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Secure — security.        Reasonable     apprehension     is 

safer  than  confident  security. 
There  is  danger  in  too  much  security. 
Too-sure  is  never  secure. 
He  is  cock-sure :  take  security. 

Self.     He  knows  everybody  but  himself. 
He  worships  himself. 
His  worst  enemy  wears  his  hat. 
Men  do  more  harm  to  themselves  than  ever  the 

devil  could  do  to  them. — Lord  Byron  (letter  to 

his  mother,  Jan.   14,  1811). 

Self-conceit.    He  who  is  full  of  himself  is  empty  of 

everything  else. 
He  admires  his  own  shadow. 


262  LACONICS 


Seest  thou  a  man  wise  in  his  own  conceit? 
There  is  more  hope  of  a  fool  than  of  him. 

— Proverbs — Old  Test. 

Self-conscious.     Self-conscious  like  an    old    cheese 
full  of  skippers. 

Self-deception.    If  I  am  deceived  I  deceive  myself. 

Self-denial.     Self-denial  is  a  great  virtue — in  your 

neighbor. 

Self-denial  is  one  corner-stone  of  a  strong  char- 
acter. 

Self-improvement.     He  who  is  satisfied  with  him- 
self is  past  cure. 

Self-interest.     Our   interests   are   centered    in   our- 
selves. 

Self-interest  and  charity  are  compatible :  I  know 
men  who  give  liberally  to  charity  just  to  get 
their  names  in  the  newspapers. 

Selfishness.     We  hate  selfishness  in  others  because 

we  are  selfish  ourselves. 
Fathom  every  human  heart  and  you  will  find  self  at 

the  bottom. 

Our  very  sorrow  is  selfish. — Byron. 
Selfishness  is  self-protection,  and  self-protection  is 

the  first  law  of  nature. 
We  air  all  uf  us  shell-fish. — Bronco  Bill. 

Self-knowledge.     He  knows  everybody  but  himself 
Study  yourself. 

Self-love.    Self-love  is  the  first  law  of  nature. 


LACONICS  263 


Self-made.  "I  am  a  self-made  man !"  roared  a  mem- 
ber of  Congress. 

"That   fact   relieves   the   Almighty  of  a  great   re- 
sponsibility," replied  his  opponent. 
He  is  a  self-made  man  and  worships  the  maker. 

— John   Bright. 

He  is  wondering  whether  he  made  God,  or  God 
made  him. — Rufus  Choate. 

Self-praise.    Self-praise  stinketh  in  the  mouth. 
The  man  praises  himself  because  nobody  else  will 
praise  him. 

Self-reliance — self-respect.  Self-respect  and  self- 
reliance  are  cardinal  virtues. 

If  you  can't  rely  on  yourself,  on  whom  can  you 
rely? 

If  you  don't  respect  yourself,  who  will  respect 
you? 

Back-bone  is  the  best  bone  in  your  body. 

Help  yourself  and  God  and  men  will  help  you. 

Fortune  hates  /  Can't  and  loves  /  Will. 

Self-reliance  is  a  firm  footing  and  a  stout  staff. 

Self-will.  The  difference  between  self-reliance  and 
self-will  is  the  difference  between  a  wise  man 
and  a  mule. 

Sense — sensible.     The    most    uncommon    thing    is 

common-sense. — Men. 

A  pint  of  sense  is  worth  a  peck  of  learning. 
Sense  is  our  helmet,  wit  is  but  the  plume. — Young. 
The  only  sensible  thing  he  ever  did  was  done  by 
mistake. 

Fill  the  basement  with  common-sense  and  the  upper 
floors  with  learning. 


264  LACONICS 


Sensitive.    He  is  more  sensitive  than  sensible. 

Sensual.    Dust  to  Dust : 

What  is  gained  when  all  is  lost? 

Gaily  for  a  day  we  tread — 

Proudly  with  averted  head — 

O'er  the  ashes  of  the  dead — 

Blind  with  pride  and  mad  with  lust: 

Dust  to  dust. — Dust  to  Dust. 
True  love  is  less  sensual  than  sensible. 

Sermon.  The  most  effective  sermon  is  to  practice 
what  you  preach. 

Serpent.     Beware  of  the  serpent  that  charms  be- 
fore he  strikes. 
The  serpent  in  ourselves  is  the  snake  that  stings  us. 

Servant — serve.  A  negligent  master,  a  negligent 
servant. 

He  who  serves  himself  has  a  good  servant  and  a 
kind  master. 

Girls  and  servants  are  the  hardest  people  to  handle. 
If  you  treat  them  with  familiarity  they  become 
disrespectful;  if  you  keep  them  at  a  distance 
they  resent  it. — Confucius  (Kung,  the  phil- 
osopher}. 

Don't  send  a  boy  to  mill:  if  you  want  your  grist 
ground  go  yourself. 

A  good  master,  a  good  servant. 

Wealth  may  be  the  servant  of  good  or  the  servant 
of  evil. 

Shadow.     When   the   sun   in   setting  the   shadows 

point  to  sunrise. 
Without  light  there  is  no  shadow. 


LACONICS  265 


We  fight  for  the  shadow  of  things. 

He  is  trying  to  run  away  from  his  own  shadow. 

With  our  poor  eyes  wide  open  we  see  but  the 
shadows  of  shadows. 

There  is  a  substance  to  every  shadow. 

We  spend  our  lives  chasing  the  shadows. 

What  shadows  we  are  and  what  shadows  we  pur- 
sue.— Edmund  Burke. 

Shaft.     He  bends  a  long  bow,  but  his  shaft  is  a 
feather. 

Shakespeare.     I  kin  quote  Shakespur  by  the  yard, 

Jo ;  'thout  crossin'  an  "I"  er  dottin'  a  "T."    Har 

goes  a  few: 

"The  fust  thing  we  do,  let's  kill  all  the  liars." 
(Ye' re  off,  Bill,  it's  "all  the  lawyers."     Same  thing, 

Jo;    don't   butt   in   when    I'm   quotin'    Scriptur; 

"An'  when  I  ope  my  lips,  let  no  dog  bark.") 
"Thar's  small  choice  in  rotten  pertaters." 
"A  mool ! — a  mool ! — my  kingdom  f er  a  mool !" 
"Thar's  a  deviltry  that  shapes  our  ends." 
"Let  the  galled  jade  wince,  our  widers  air  unwrung." 
"The  devil  kin  cite  Scriptur  tu  his  puppies." 
"Lord,  whut  fools  these  moralists  be !" 
Whut's  the  reason,  Bill  ? 
"Ef  reasons  war  ez  plenty  ez  blueberries  I'd  give 

no  man  a  reason  on  compulsion." 
"An'  tew  men  ride  on  a  hoss,  one  must  ride  on  the 

hind-eend." 
"All  the  world's  a  stage,  an'  it  needs  must  go,  fer 

the  devil  drives." 

"Mine  enemy's  dog,  an'  tharby  hangs  a  tail." 
"Tu  marry,  this  is  the  short  an'  the  long  uf  it." 
Ain't  them  "A  hit — a  very  pulpable  hit,"  Jo? 


266  LACONICS 


"Why,  then  the   world's   mine  lobster." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Sharper.     When   sharpers  pluck    each  other  geese 
are  scarce. 

Sheep.     If  you  are  a  sheep  put  on  a  lion-skin ;  if 

you  are  a  lion  put  on  a  lamb-skin. 
Protection  shears  our  sheep,  free-trade  skins  them. 
As  weel  he  hangit  for  an  auld  sheep  as  a  lammie. 

— Scotch  Proverb. 

The  lone  sheep  is  in  danger  of  the  wolf. 
Ae  scabbit  sheep  fyles  a'  the  flock. — Scotch  Proverb. 
He  that  makes  himself  a  sheep  must  expect  to  be 
sheared. 

Shepherd.     Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to 

tread ; 

Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the  bread, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
He  is  a  good  shepherd  that  keeps  the  wolves  far 

from  the  fold. 
When  the  shepherd's  asleep  the  wolf  creeps  into 

the  fold. 

Ship.     An  empty  ship  is  least  able  to  breast  the 

storm. 

Don't  ship  all  in  one  tub. 

He's  sailin'  the  ole  ship  with  a  feather-head  at  the 
helm,  an'  the  ole  sailors  under  the  hatches. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

The  wust  ship  I  ever  sailed  in  wuz  a  pardner- 
ship:  me  an'  Jo  got  shipwrecked  on  a  bunch  uf 
ole  mools. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  267 


Shoe.     But  I  wot  best  wher  wringeth  me  my  sho. 

— Chaucer. 

Every  shoe  fits  not  every  foot. 
Old  shoes  are  easiest  and  old  friends  the  best. 
He  has  worn  out  his  shoes  chasing  dreams. 

Shoemaker.  "I  have  pegged  my  last,"  said  the  dy- 
ing shoemaker. 

"You  have  lost  your  soul,"  said  the  priest  to  a 
scoffer.  "Bring  'im  in  and  I'll  peg  on  another," 
said  the  cobbler. 

The  shoemaker's  boys  go  barefoot. 

Short-cut.  Most  men  go  around  to  find  the  short- 
cut. 

Sift.    You  heard  the  speech :  sift  it — sift  it. 

Sift  out  the  cheat  and  save  the  wheat. 

In  vain  kings  piled  the  pyramids ; 

Their  tombs  were  robbed  by  ruthless  hands; 

Who  now  shall  sing  their  fame  and  deeds, 

Or  sift  their  ashes  from  the  sands? — Fame. 
Sight.     If  our  fore-sight  were  half  as  good  as  our 
hind-sight  we  wouldn't  miss  the  mark  so  often. 

Yer  cain't  see  haf  ez  fur  with  yer  fore-sight  ez  yer 
kin  with  yer  hind-sight. — Bronco  Bill. 

A  fool's  foresight  is  always  behind. 

Silence — silent.     It  is  easier  to  look  wise  than  to 

talk  wise. 

Silence  is  a  hard  argument  to  answer. 
Nobody  will  repeat  your  silence. 
A  silent  sage  is  like  a  bell  without  a  clapper. 
Beware  of  the  man  who  is  silent  when  he  is  angry. 
His  silence  spoke  louder  than  the  voice  of  a  mul- 
titude. 


268  LACONICS 


Keep   your   mouth   shut.     A   dumb    fool   is   often 

taken  for  a  wise  man. 
Lay  the  finger-tips  of  silence  on  the  shrivelled  lips 

of  time. — Daniel. 
Keep  yer  mouth  shet,  aspecially  in  fly  time. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Silk.     Vice  is  dangerous  in  silk  stockings. 
Although  in  silk  the  monkey  dress 
She's  still  a  monkey  nevertheless. — Spanish. 

Silver.    Fish  with  a  silver  hook. 

He  seeks  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  his  feet. — Men. 
Flattery  is  silver-tongued. 

Thet  Chicago  charity  gal  hez  a  sweet  smile  an'  a 
silver  lisp  thet'll  slip  the  silver  outer  yer  pocket. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Simplicity.     Simplicity  is  true  to  truth  and  nature. 

Sin.     We  sin  and  blame  the  Devil  for  it. 

Plate  sin  with  gold 

And  the  strong  lance  of  justice  hurtless  breaks : 
Arm  it  in  rags,  a  pigmy's  straw  doth  pierce  it. 

— Shak  esp  eare. 
Few  love  to  hear  the  sins  they  love  to  act. 

— Shakespeare. 
Nothing  emboldens  sin  so  much  as  mercy. 

— Shakespeare. 

If    lightning    struck    every    one    who    sins,    there 
wouldn't     be     a     "two-legged     animal     without 
feathers"  left  on  this  earth. 
The  virus  of  sin  is  in  the  blood  of  all  men. 
When  we  sin  agin  Natur  we  pay  the  price. 

— Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  269 


Sing.    I  am  saddest  when  I  sing.    So  are  those  who 
hear  me. — Artemus  Ward  (Charles  F.  Browne). 
She  sung  a  song  nigh  ten  yards  long, 
An'  every  verse,  ez  she  screeched  her  song, 
Skeared  the  geese  like  a  Chinee  gong. — Bronco  Bill. 
She  wud  sing  the  howl  outer  a  hungry  wolf. 

— Bronco   Bill. 

Single.     He  has  an  eye  single  to  the  main  chance. 
Thet  ole  mare  is  like  an  ole  maid:  she  goes  single 
fust  rate,  but  she'll  kick  an'  she'll  balk  ef  she's 
hitched  with  a  mate. — Bronco  Bill. 
Better  go  single  than  be  hitched  double  with  a  kick- 
ing  mule. 
He  has  an  eye  single  to  the  eagle — on  the  dollar. 

Skill — skillful.    Skill  rides;  strength  carries. 
Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 
Than  unskilled  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre. 

— Poetry. 
Skin.    He  wud  skin  a  skunk  fer  the  perfume. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Charity  is  skin-deep;  self  goes  to  the  bone. 
The  doctors  an'  the  undertakers  allus  skin  a  dead 

man  ef  he  hez  any  fat  on  'im. — Bronco  Bill. 
He'd  skin  his  grandmother  an'  sell  the  hide. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Skunk.    He  likes  perfume  who  kicks  a  skunk. 

Sky.     I'd  ruther  hev  one  acre  uf  arth  thun  a  hul 
quarter-section  in  the  sky. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sky-lark.     She  wakened  the  woods  with  her  mu- 
sical words, 
And  the  sky-lark  ashamed  of  his  voice  forbore. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 


270  LACONICS 


The  silver  dawn  steals  in  upon  the  dark: 
Up  from  the  dewy  meadow  wheels  the  lark 
And  trills  his  welcome  to  the  rising  sun, 
And  lo  another  day  of  labor  is  begun. — Poetry. 

Slander.  And  who  escapes  the  tongue  of  calumny 
May  count  himself  an  angel  or  a  naught. — Poetry. 
Slander  is  a  Hydra,  strike  off  one  of  its  heads  and 

two  will  grow  out  in  its  place. 
Slander  has  the  scent  of  a  hound,  the  eyes  of  a  cat 

and  the  tongue  of  a  serpent. 
If  you  fight  slander  take  it  by  the  throat. 
The  best  shield  against  slander  is  silence. 
Don't  blow  the  coals  of  slander  and  they  will  soon 

die  out. 

Slang.     Avoid  slang:  the  slang-whanger  is  never  a 
gentleman. 

Slavery.    If  we  are  slaves  what  matters  it  whether 

our  chains  be  of  iron  or  of  gold. 
All  men  are  slaves :  yea,  some  are  slaves  to  wine, 
And  some  to  women,  some  to  sordid  gold, 
But  all  to  habit  and  to  customs  old. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason 
We  are  still  slaves  to  custom  and  fashion. 

Sleep.    He  who  riseth  late  must  trot  all  day. 

— Benjamin  Franklin. 

Die  sonne,  he  know  ven  he  petter  git  oop,  mebbe; 
aber  Ich  bin  no  leetel  bird  dot  poke  hees  pill 
ouet  to  be  cotch  py  die  vorm.  I  radder  sleeb  a 
leetel  bis  die  preakfast  pees  ready. — Johannis. 
Ef  yer  huntin'  Injuns,  Jo,  yer  better  sleep  with  yer 
eyes  open. — Bronco  Bill. 


LACONICS  271 


Sloth.    Sloth  is  always  waiting  and  wishing. 

Sloth  is  always  waiting  for  something  to  turn  up. 
Sloth,  that  shameful  Siren. — Horace. 
Sloth  is  the  mother  of  poverty. — Proverb. 

Slow.     Go  slow  till  you  know. 
Slow  and  sure  is  a  good  horse; 
Swift  and  sure  is  a  better. 
Wisely  and  slow :  they  stumble  that  run  fast. 

— Shakespeare. 

Be  slow  to  anger ;  swift  to  forgive. 
At  the  signal  of  danger,  slow  up. 

Sluggard.     The  sluggard  takes  a  hundred  steps  to- 
day where  two  would  have  sufficed  yesterday. 
The    diligent    says    "To-day;"    the    sluggard    says 

"To-morrow." 
His  to-day  is  always  to-morrow. 

Small.     Don't  despise  small  things;  a  flea  at  mid- 
night is  worse  than  a  wolf  at  midday. 
Great  things  are  made  out  of  little  things. 

Smile.    A  smiler  is  often  a  beguiler. 

He   smiles   with   the   smilers   and   weeps   with   the 

weepers. 

He  smiles  on  one  side  and  frowns  on  the  other. 
He  smiles  to  your  face  and  bites  at  your  back. 
One  may  smile,  and  smile,  and  be  a  villain. 

— Shakespeare 

'Tis  easy  enough  to  be  pleasant, 
When  life  flows  on  like  a  song; 
But  the  man  worth  while 
Is  the  man  with  a  smile 
When  everything  goes   dead  wrong. 

—Ella  Wheeler  Wilcox. 


272  LACONICS 


The  world  is  a  mirror:  smile  and  it  smiles;  frown 

and  it  frowns. 
A  frozen  smile  is  wus  ner  a  frown. — Bronco  Bill. 

Smudge.    The  gnats  are  buzzing:  smudge! 

Sneak.    You  can  tell  a  coyote  by  his  sneak. 

I  kin  stand  a  "hold-up,"  but  a  sneak-thief  is  wus 
nur  a  cyote. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sneer.     Half-way  betwixt  a  snicker  and  a  sneer. 
Sneer-lipped,  hawk-eyed,  wolf-tongued  oraculars. 

— Men. 

There  was  a  laughing  devil  in  his  sneer. — Byron. 
Who  can  refute  a  sneer? — Paley. 

Soap.     He's  a  soap-bubble ;  he'll   soon  bust. 

— Bronco   Bill. 

It's  so  durn  dirty  in  Chicago  thet  yer  hev  tu  wash 
the  soap. — Bronco  Bill. 

Soar.    The  higher  he  soars  the  louder  he  squawks. 

Socialism.  Socialism  is  despotism :  it  crushes  the 
individual. 

Let  socialism  prevail  and  the  dunce  and  the  wise 
are  on  a  dead  level ; 

The  worker  and  the  sluggard  are  equal. 

Democracy  leads  to  Socialism,  Socialism  to  An- 
archy. 

There  is  but  a  thin  line  between  the  "Utopia"  of 
Socialism  and  the  crackling  Hell  of  Anarchy. 

If  God  does  not  make  men  equal,  can  man  do  it? 

Socialism  would  send  us  back  to  barbarism. 

Socialism  would  level  down,  and  never  level  up. 

Socialists  expect  to  make  a  yard  out  of  ten  inches. 


LACONICS  273 


Society.    Society  follows  the  bell-wether. 

Fashionable  society  is  made  up  of  toadies,  tattlers 

and  Tomnoddys. 

Society  is  now  one  polished  horde, 
Formed    of    two    mighty    tribes — the    Bores    and 

Bored. — Byron. 

Soil.     The  soil  that  grows  nettles  will  grow  corn. 
Yer  may  soil  yer  hands  in  thet  perairie  soil,  but 

yer'll  keep  yer  conscience  clean. — Bronco  Bill. 
The  soil  of  youth  is  virgin  soil;  be  careful  what 

you  sow  in  it. 

Soldiers.     Beheld  a    score    of    battlefields    corpse- 
strewn, 

Blood-fertiled  with  ten  thousand  flattered  fools 

Who,  but  to  please  the  vanity  of  one, 

Marched  on  hurrahing  to  the  doom  of  death. 

— An  Old  English  Oak. 

Lo  the  blood-spattered  bosom,   the   shot-shattered 
limb, 

The  hand-clutch  of  fear  as  the  vision  grows  dim, 

The    half-uttered    prayer,    and    the    blood-fettered 
breath, 

The  cold  marble  brow  and  the  calm  face  of  death. 

O  proud  were  these  forms  at  the  dawning  of  morn, 

When  they  sprang  to  the  call  of  the  shrill  bugle- 
horn: 

There  are  mothers  and  wives  that  await  them  afar; 

God  help  them! — Is  this,  then,  the  glory  of  war? 

— Charge  of  "The  Black  Horse." 

He  who  fights  and  runs  away 
May  live  to  fight  another  day ; 

But  he  who  is  in  battle  slain, 

Can  never  rise  to  fight  again. — Goldsmith. 


274  LACONICS 


He  is  a  brave  soldier — in  slippers  and  pajamas. 

Solitude.     He  who  is  alone  with  good  books  has 

good  company. 
I  love  solitude  with  a  few  choice  friends,  a  bottle 

of  wine  and  a  box  of  cigars. 
He  makes  a  solitude,  and  calls  it  peace. — Byron. 
A  great  city  is  a  great  solitude. — Greek  Prov. 
Oh  for  a  lodge  in  some  vast  wilderness. — Cowper. 
"It  is  a  gra-at  comfort  te  be  all  alone  by  yerself," 

said  Pat,  "ef  ye  hev  yer  swateheart  wid  ye." 

Something  to  say.    Don't  make  a  speech  unless  you 
have  something  to  say. 

Son.     The  son  at  twenty    knows    more  than  his 

father  at  fifty. 
The  best  patrimony  you  can  leave  to  your  son  is 

a  strong  body,  a  sane  mind,  and  plenty  of  hard 

work. 

Many  a  pore  boy  is  ruined  by  his  father's  money. 
He  follows  his  father  a  long  way  behind. 
He  was  not  all  a  father's  heart  could  wish; 
But  oh,  he  was  my  son ! — Joanna  Baillie. 
A  sage  is  the  son  of  ages. 

Sore.     Don't  prod  an  old  sore. 
Every  man  has  his  sore  spot. 
"Ever  man  hez  his  sore  spot,"  they  say; 
I  hed  tew  on  'em  the   fust  time  I   rid  a  buckin' 
bronco. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sorrow.    Sorrow  is  the  shadow  of  pleasure. 

Sorrows  are  mile-stones  on  the  road  to  wisdom. 
Hang  sorrow ;  care'll  kill  a  cat. — Ben  Jonson. 


LACONICS  275 


When  sorrows  come,  they  come  not  single  spies, 
But  in  battalions. — Shakespeare. 

Soul.     What  is  the  soul  and  whither  will  it  fly? 
We  only  know  that  matter  cannot  die, 
But  lives  and  lived  through  all  eternity, 
And  ever  turns  from  hoary  age  to  youth. 
And  is  the  soul  not  worthier  than  the  dust? 
And  is  there  life  beyond  this  life  below? 
Aye,  is  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light  on  angel  wings  to  range, 
And  sing  the  songs  of  seraphs  as  we  go? 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Of  what  good  is  a  soul  without  a  body  or  a  body 
without  a  soul? 

Sound.    His  voice  sounds  like  a  steam  whistle  in  a 

megaphone. 
His  arguments  are  all  sound. 

Sour.    He  is  as  sour  as  a  pickled  crabapple. 

Her  sweetest  smile  would  sour  fresh  milk. 

He's  so  ful  uf  bile  thet  sweet  milk  'ud  sour  on  his 
stumick. — Bronco  Bill. 

The  sweetest  wine  makes  the  sourest  vinegar. 

Thet  ole  Bony-face  that  runs  the  Lone  Pine  Corral 
allus  wars  a  crab-apple  face  on  'im  an'  a  peach- 
blussom  on  the  nub  uf  his  nose. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sow.    Sow  good  words  and  you  will  gather  friends. 
He  sows  good  seed  in  sterile  sand,  and  trusts  in 

God. 

Nature  sows  thorns  in  the  path  of  fools. 
Sow  cockle,  reap  cockle;  sow  wheat,  reap  wheat. 
One  sows,  another  reaps ; 


276  LACONICS 


And  still  another — tolls  the  grain. 

They  that  sow  in  adversity  may  reap  in  prosperity. 

It  is  easier  to  sow  than  to  reap. — After  Goethe. 

Spare.    The  mother  who  has  ten  children  has  none 

to  spare. 

"Spareribs,"  said  a  pert  miss  to  a  lean  old  maid. 
To  spare  the  guilty  is  to  punish  the  innocent. 

— After  Lord  Coke. 

Speak — speaker.    He's  a  wise  man  who  knows  when 
to  speak,  a  wiser  that  knows  when  to  be  silent. 
If  you  your  lips  would  keep  from  slips, 

Five  things  observe  with  care: 
To  whom  you  speak,  of  whom  you  speak, 

And  how,  and  when,  and  where. — W.  E.  Norris. 
He's  a  "reformer" :  when  he  makes  a  speech  he 
flops  his  wings  an'  flutters  his  tail-feathers,  like 
a  ole  ruster  on  a  dung-hill. — Bronco  Bill. 

Special — specialty.  Concentrate  all  your  energies 
on  one  line. 

Make  a  specialty  of  success. 

We  are  in  the  age  of  specialties:  choose  one  good 
line  and  stick  to  it. 

Some  men  take  special  pains  to  show  their  ig- 
norance. 

Spectator.  The  spectator  often  sees  better  than 
the  actor. 

Speech.    What  goes  in  at  the  ear  comes  out  at  the 

mouth. 

A  soft  speech  may  have  a  subtle  poison. 
Speech  is   the   ripple  of   the   rivulet;   silence,   the 

voice  of  the  deep. 
Clear  thought,  clear  speech. 


LACONICS  277 


A  soft  speech  turneth  away  anger. 
He  cain't  make  a  speech,  but  he  cain't  hold  his 
tongue. — Bronco  Bill. 

Spend.    Don't  spend  what  you  haven't  got. 

He  has  spent  all  his  money  and  is  now  spending 

promises  to  pay. 

Life  is  spent  before  we  know  the  value  of  it. 
Don't  spend  your  breath  blowing  cold  coals. 
Don't  spend  other  men's  money. 

Spirits.     He  is  full  of  spirits — his  bottle  is  empty. 
He  keeps  his  spirits  up  by  pouring  spirits  down. 

Spots.    Spots  become  a  leopard. 
He  is  all  right — in  spots. 

"Can  a  leopard  change  his  spots?"     Sure;  he  kin 
hop  outer  one  spot  intu  anether. — Bronco  Bill. 

Spring.     Spring  is  the  seed-time ;  Autumn  the  har- 
vest. 

In  the  spring  a  young  man's  fancy  lightly  turns  to 
thoughts  of  love. — Tennyson. 

Squander.     Eternity  will  not  give  back  the  hours 

you  squander. 

He  toils  all  his  life  to  pile  up  wealth  for  his  prodi- 
gals to  squander. 

Stale  eggs.    He  is  like  an  old  hen  trying  to  hatch 

stale  eggs. 

"They  are  egging  him  on,"  said  a  wag  when  they 
rotten-egged  a  stump-speaker. 

Stand.    You  cannot  stand  still,  you  must  go  up  or 

go  down — forward  or  backward. 
Take  your  stand  and  stand  by  it. 


273  LACONICS 


Star.     "Follow  thine  own  star." — Dante.     I  would, 
but  I  can't  tell  my  star  from  a  jack-o'-lantern. 
If  you  trust  in  your  star  you  will  sup  on  moon- 
shine. 

The  stars  never  shine  clear  till  after  dark. 
Stars  of  hope  that  glimmer  on  our  night. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
The  fault,  dear  Brutus,  is  not  in  our  stars, 
But  in  ourselves,  that  we  are  underlings. 

— Shakespeare. 
The    stars   are   the    faces   of   our    fathers    looking 

down   from  their  hunting-grounds. — Dakota. 
He  kicked  the  hind-eend  uf  a  cayuse,  an'  he  im- 
megitly  seen  stars. — Bronco  Bill. 

State.     The  state  is  a  great  corporation :  we  are 

all  stockholders :  watch  the  directors. 
I  am  the  state! — what  is  the  Throne? — a  bit  of 
wood  gilded  and  covered  with  velvet. — Napoleon 
The  state  is  sick  and  every  fool  a  quack 
Running  with  pills  and  plasters  and  sure-cures, 
And  every  pill  and  package  labelled  Ism. — Men. 

Steal.    He  that  steals  for  you  will  steal  from  you. 
He  stole  the  livery  of  Heaven  to  serve  the  devil  in. 
—After  Pollock  (Course  of  Time,  Book  8-616). 

Steel.    When  steel  strikes  flint  the  fire  flies. 

Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 

In  rest  they  rust. — Poetry. 

Thet  Steel  Trust  is  shore  a  Steal  Trust. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Step.     Step  by  step  men  go  upward,  or  downward. 
Step  by  step  men  climb  the  highest  peaks. 
The  dead  past  offers  us  safe  stepping-stones. 


LACONICS  279 


Precedents    are    "Oft    stepping-stones    of    tyranny 

and  wrong." — Pauline. 
Don't  allus  be  takin'  half  yer  steps  back'ards. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Stick.     Stick-to-it  will  do  it. 

Stingy.    Don't  be  stingy :  allus  take  yer  Sally  Ann  a 
stick  uf  candy  er  a  bag  uf  peanuts. — Bronco  Bill. 

Stink.     In  Koln,  a  town  of  monks  and  bones 
And  pavements  fanged  with  murderous  stones, 
And  rags,  and  hags,  and  hideous  wenches, 
I  counted  two  and  seventy  stenches, 
All  well  defined  and  several  stinks ! — Coleridge. 
He  shines  and  he  stinks,  and  he  stinks  and  he  shines, 
like  a  rotten  mackerel  by  moonlight. 

— John  Randolph  "of  Roanoke." 
Them  Somali  lasses — Teddy  thinks — 

Air  kinder  purty,  but  they  blinks. 
Them  fat  ole  she-Somali's — 
They  looks  lik  Cholo  tamales — 

But  they  stinks. — Bronco  Bill — Gunnel  Teddy 
in  Africa. 

Stoicism.     Your  bronze  statute  is  your  true  stoic. 
He  snatched  from  the  embers  a  red-hot  brand, 
And  held  it  aloft  in  his  naked  hand. 
He  stood  like  a  statue  in  bronze  or  stone; 
Not  a  muscle  moved,  and  the  braves  looked  on. 

— The  Feast  of  the  Virgins. 

Stomach.    The  stomach  is  the  fire-box  of  the  body 

— it  runs  the  machine. 

Better  have  little  food  for  your  stomach  than  little 
stomach  for  your  food. 


280  LACONICS 


I  kin  stumick  most  anythin'  but  briled  Injun  and 
fried    sole-leather. — Bronco    Bill. 

Stop.     Few  men  know  when  to  begin  or  when  to 
stop. 

Storm.    A  storm  occasionally  is  better  than  a  dead 

calm. 

In  a  storm  the  tallest  trees  fall  first. 
Turn  your  back  to  the  storm  and  stand  fast. 

Story.    Don't  make  a  short  story  long. 
History  is  too  often  his  story. 
Every  tale  an'   true  his-tory  allus  hez   tew   sides 
ontu  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Stout.    Stout  legs  to  a  steep  hill. 
Strong  arm  and  stout  heart. 

Strength.     There  is  no  strength  in  brawn  without 

brains. 

A  woman's  strength  lies  in  her  weakness. 
There  is  strength  in  "I  will." 
Let  not  your  strength  become  your  weakness. 
Few  men  are  strong  enough  to  lift  themselves  by 

their  own  boot-straps. 

Strut.     In    his    own    conscious    insignificance    he 

struts. 

He  struts  and  gabbles  like  a  turkey-cock  in  a  hen- 
yard. 

Thar  goes  a  suit  uf  clo'es  struttin'  down  the  street. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Study.     Man's  blood  and  brawn  demand  a  change 

of  food ; 
His  mind  as  well. — Change. 


LACONICS  281 


The  blush  of  sunrise  found  me  at  my  books ; 
The  midnight  cock-crow  caught  me  reading  still. 

— Pauline. 

Learn  to  study  and  study  to  learn. 
Study  what  you  read — think. 

Stumble.     He  stumbles  at  a  straw. 

A  careless  man  stubs  his  toes  on  many  a  stumbling- 
block. 

Style.     There  can  be  no  clear  expression  without 

clear  thought. 
The    style    is    the    man    himself — (le    style    est 

1'homme  meme). 

Truth  is  the  touchstone  of  all  genius.     Art 
In   poet,   painter,   sculptor,   is   the   same; 
What  cometh  from  the  heart  goes  to  the  heart ; 
What  comes  from  effort  only  is  but  tame. — Poetry. 
Thought  is  the  body,  style  the  dress. 
High  heels  may  be  the  style,  but  I  don't  want  tu 

cultivate  no  corn  on  my  toes. — Bronco  Bill. 

Sublime.  It  is  but  one  step  from  the  sublime  to 
the  ridiculous,  and  the  gentleman  took  it  with 
both  feet.  Author's  letter:  St.  Paul  Globe, 
1883. 

Submission.    All  my  prayers  are  one : 
"Father,  thy  will  be   done." 

Subtlety.     Subtlety  deceives  itself. 

Success.    Success  is  often  the  worst  of  failures. 
Deserve   success   and   then   command    it. 
We  estimate  men  by   their  success,   not   by   their 
deserts. 


282  LACONICS 


Prudence,  patience,  preseverance,  command  success. 

Study   When,   Where  and   How. 

Everybody  is  a  friend  of  success. 

Success  makes  treason  patriotism. 

The  man  who  sits  down  on  the  road  to  success  and 

waits   for  a  free  ride  will  get  left. 
The  countersign  to  success  is — Get  at  it  and  stay 

with  it. 
There  are  two  doors  to  success — marked  Pull  and 

Push. 

How  to  succeed : — Catch  on  and  hang  on. 
One  success  is  a  step  toward  another. 
Remember  your  failures  are  your  stepping-stones 

to  success. 
His  success  was  his  ruin. 

Sucker.    Suckers  are  plenty  in  any  pond. 

In  Califunny  they  ketch  suckers  right  out  on  dry 
land. — Bronco  Bill. 

Suffragette.  She  uster  run  a  man-a-cure  cheer-up- 
odist  shop  in  Chicago ;  now  she's  one  uf  them 
English  catamount  suffragettes. — Bronco  Bill. 

An'  the  suffragette  she  hollered :  "I'm  ez  good  a 
cock  ez  you !" 

An'  she  crowed  her  "Cock-a-doodle — Whoopla! — 
Cock-a-doodle-do !" — Bronco  Bill. 

Suffering.    He  who  suffers  learns  to  pity. 
Know  how  sublime  a  thing  it  is 
To  suffer  and  be  strong. — Longfellow. 

Sugar.    Put  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 
Sugar  on  the  tongue,  money  in  the  till. 

Suggestion.    Teach  by  suggestion. 

The  loud  mouth  suggests  a  vacuum  above  it. 


LACONICS  283 


Suicide.     The  suicide  is  either  a  coward  or  a  luna- 
tic. 

When  all  the  blandishments  of  life  are  gone 
The  coward  sneaks  to  death,  the  brave  live  on. 

— Sewell 
"Race-suicide !"  says  Teddy, 

An'  it  makes  his  busum  bleed, 
"We'll  soon  be  Paree  poodles 
Ef  we  don't  brace  up  an'  breed. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Sun.     Midge-midgets  on  this  grain  of  sand 
That  rolls  around  our  lesser   sun 
Where  myriad  suns  obey  His  hand. — A   Message. 
The  sun  is  the  electric  light-and-power-plant  of  our 

solar  system. 
The  sun  is  the  father  and  the  earth  the  mother  of 

all. — Dakota. 
Truth,  like  the  sun,  is  often  under  a  cloud. 

Sunday.    He  prays  on  his  knees,  sir,  on  Sunday, 
And  preys  on  his  neighbors  the  rest  of  the  week. 
Ole  mother  Natur  works  every  day  in  the  week: 

She  don't  stop  tu  pray  pra'rs  an'  sing  sams  on 

Sunday. — Bronco  Bill. 

Superlative.     He  deals  in  superlatives  and  always 

caps  the  climax. 
Among  asses  he  is  the  superlative  jack. 

Superstition.     Superstition    is    the    religion    of    ig- 
norance.— Burke. 

Old  Superstition,  mother  of  cruel  creeds, 
O'er  all  the  earth  hath  sown  her  dragon  teeth: 
Lo  centuries  on  centuries  the  seeds 
Grew  rank  and  from  them  all  the  haggard  breeds 


284  LACONICS 


Of  Hate  and  Fear  and  Hell  and  cruel  Death. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Ah,  ignorance  and  fear  go  hand  in  hand, 
Twin-born,  and  broadcast  scatter  hate  and  thorns; 
They  people  earth  with  ghosts  and  hell  with  horns, 
And  sear  the  eyes  of  men  with  burning  brand. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
But  superstition  is  a  monster  still, 
An  Hydra  we  may  scotch,  but  hardly  kill; 
For  if  with  sword  of  truth  we  lop  a  head, 
How  soon  another  groweth  in  its  stead. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Men  have  been  learning  error  age  on  age, 
And  superstition  is  their  heritage, 
Bequeathed  from  age  to  age  and  sire  to  son 
Since  the  dim  history  of  the  world  begun. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  discern 
The  truth  that  preaches  from  the  silent  stones, 
The  silent  hills,  the  silent  universe, 
While  error  cries  in  sanctimonious  tones 
That  all  the  light  of  life  and  God  is  hers! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

But  still  'twere  wrong  to  speak  but  in  abuse, 
For  priests  and  popes  have  had  and  have  their  use. 
Yea,   Superstition   since   the   world  began 
Hath  been  a  magic  wand  to  govern  man: 
For  men  were  beasts  and  brutal  fear  was  given 
To  chain  the  brute  till  Reason  came  from  heaven. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Superstructure.    The  builder  who  builds  the  super- 


LACONICS  285 


structure  is  as  worthy  as  he  who  lays  the  foun- 
dation. 
Don't  try  to  build  the  top  story  first. 

Sure.    The  slow  and  sure  overtake  the  swift. 
The  sure  road  is  the  short  cut. 
Be  sure  of  your  aim  before  you  pull  the  trigger. 
He  is  one  of  those  cock-sure  fellows  whose  cock- 
lofts need  tenants. 

Sure-cure.    The  sure-cure  for  most  ills  is  work. 
The  state  is  sick  and  every  fool  a  quack 
Running  with  pills  and  plasters  and  sure-cures 
And  every  pill  and  package  labeled  Ism — Men. 
Doctor,  give  us  a  sure-cure  for  the  "cant's." 

Surface.     Chaff  and  straw  float  on  the  surface,  the 

wheat  is  at  the  bottom. 
The  froth  is  on  top,  the  beer  at  the  bottom. 

Suspicion.     When  suspicion  creeps  in  at  the  back 

door,  Confidence  walks  out  at  the  front. 
A  woman  who  is  prone  to  suspicion  is  rarely  vir- 
tuous. 

When  men  speak  ill  of  us  we  should  suspect  our- 
selves, when  they  praise  us  we  should  suspect 
them. 

Suspicion  will  pierce  even  the  triple  mail  of  wis- 
dom. 
Suspicion  always  haunts  the  guilty  mind. 

— Shakespeare. 

Swallow.    "One  swallow  doesn't  make  it  summer"? 
— that  depends  on  the  liquor. 

Sweet — sweetest.     He  deserves  not  the  sweet  who 
will  not  sweat  for  it. 


286  LACONICS 


The  sweetest  wine  makes  the  sourest  vinegar. 
Without  a  taste  of  the  bitter  we  have  little  relish 

for  the  sweet. 
What  tastes  sweet  may  give  yer  the  bellyache. 

• — Bronco  Bill. 

How  sad  and  bad  and  mad  it  was — 
But  then  how  it  was  sweet. — Robert  Browning. 

Sweet-heart.     I  don't  want  no  more  sweet-hearts ; 
I've  got  tew  sour-hearts  already. — Bronco  Bill. 

Swine.    "Cast  not  thy  pearls  before  swine ;"  the  pigs 
prefer  swill. 

Sword.     Yea,  into  plow-shares  may  these  brothers 

beat 

Their  swords  and  into  pruning-hooks  their  spears. 
— After   the   Battle   of   Gettysburg. 
They  first  took  the   sword   and   they   fall  by  the 
sword. — The   Old  Flag. 

Sympathy.     Sympathy  divides  sorrow. 
Sympathy  is  next  door  to  love. 

Symptoms.     In  morals,  as  in  medicine,  we  doctor 

the  symptoms. 

I  wudn't  say  he's  a  born  liar,  but  he  hez  all  the 
symptoms. — Bronco   Bill. 


Tact.     Talents  for  a  team  and  tact  for  a  driver. 
Tact  teaches  when  to  talk,  what  to  say,  and  when 

to  be  silent. 
Tact  and  talent  make  a  strong  team. 


LACONICS  287 


Tail.    Don't  be  the  tail  of  any  kite. 

If  you  can't  be  at  the  head  don't  be  at  the  tail. 

Tale.    He  paints  his  tale  red. 

It  takes  him  tu  long  tu  git  tu  the  tail-end  uf  his 
tale. — Bronco  Bill. 

Talent.     Men   lack   purpose   and  persistence   more 

than  talent. 

Tact  and  talent  make  a  strong  team. 
You    can't    hide    your    lack    of    talent    "under    a 

bushel." 
One  has  a  talent  for  poetry,  another  for  mending 

shoes,  and  as  a  rule,  both  are  cobblers. 

Talk — talker.     A  fool    cuts    his    throat    with    his 

tongue. 

Talk  little,— write  less. 
A  long  tongue  rattles  in  an  empty  head. 
There  is  no  music  so  sweet  to  an  ass  as  his  own 

bray. 

His  talk  is  a  synopsis  of  himself. 
He  talks  all  day  and  says  nothing. 
He  who  talks  too  much  maketh  himself  cheap. 

— After  Bacon. 
Ef  yer  hain't  got  nuthin'  tu  say,  don't  say  nuthin'. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

He  who  talks  much  hears  little. 
Do-much  talks  little. 

As  a  rule  he  who  talks  most  says  the  least. 
Talk  less  and  say  more. 
Talk  don't  do  the  work. 
Who  talks  sows;  who  listens  reaps. 
"Talk  seems  to  be  necessary  to  facilitate  digestion. 
It  is  good  exercise  for  the  diaphram  and  the  jaw." 
— E.r-President  Taft  on  William  J.  Bryan. 


288  LACONICS 


Tantalize.     She  would  tantalize  a  statue. 

Taste.     "There   is   good   'taste'   for  you,    Seward," 

said   Lincoln,  as  they  passed  an  old  "darkey" 

munching  a  watermelon. 

He  has  a  very  refined  taste — for  clabber  and  garlic. 
Everyone  has  his  tate.     (German — Jedermann  hat 

sein  Geschmack.) 
"Jedermann  hat  sein  Geschmack,"  said  the  Kaiser 

when  the  captain  of  his  yacht  took  a  drink  of 

bilge-water  instead  of  lager. 

Tattle — tattler.     Who   tattles   to    you    will    tattle 

about  you. 
She's  one  uf  them  teatotal  tea-tattlers. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Taxes.     Let  vices  and  luxuries  pay  the  taxes. 

The   "single-tax"   advocate   is   a   man   of   a   single 
idea. 

Monarchies  tax  the  poor  to  support  the  rich;  re- 
publics tax  the  rich  to  support  the  poor. 

Protection  shears  our  sheep ;  free-trade  skins  them. 

These  reformers  reform  the  city  with  an  army  of 
tax-eaters. 

The  politicians  "grind  their  axes"  on  the  taxes. 

The  "reformer"  allus  tacks  on  more  taxes. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Teaching.     He  who  teaches  himself  has  the  best 

teacher. 

Training   is   the   best   teaching. 
In  teaching  others  men  teach  themselves. — Seneca 

Tears.    A  woman's  weapon  is  her  tears. 

With  her  tears  she  vanquished  a  whole  brigade. 
A  few  drops  of  salt  water  frum  a  woman's  eyes 


LACONICS  289 


'11  win  the  verdict  uf  a  petty  jury  'gin  law  an' 
evidence. — Bronco    Bill. 

In  youth  tears  without  grief;  in  age  grief  without 
tears. — Father  Roux. 

What  a  hell  of  witchcraft  lies 
In  the  small  orb  of  one  particular  tear. 

— Shakespeare. 
Teeth.     He  conceals  his  teeth  with  a  mouthful  of 

flattery. 
Pull  the  tiger's  teeth  and  he'll  mew  as  meek  as  a 

kitten. 
He  hain't  shed  his  wolf  teeth  an'  wolf  ears  yit. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Pull  his  teeth  an'  his  bite  won't  hurt  yer. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Temper.    Cultivate  good  temper ;  it  is  like  dew  and 

sunshine  in  your  garden. 
Brave  men   are  good   tempered. 
Put  a  bridle  on  your  temper  lest  it  put  a  halter 

on  you. 

Temper   your   temper   in    sweet-oil. 
A  bad  temper  bites  the  biter. 

Temperance — temperate.  We're  in  the  dry  town  uf 
"Boot-legs,"  Boys:  step  up  tu  the  bar,  an'  take 
a  drink — uf  ice-water  with  yer  Uncle  Bill. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

A   man   shud  be  temperate   in  all   things,   an'   es- 
pecially in  gittin'  religin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Temple.     The  groves  were  God's  first  temples. 

— William  Cullen  Bryant. 

Temptation.  Where  there  is  no  temptation  there  is 
no  proof  of  virtue. 


290  LACONICS 


Turn  your  back  on  temptation  and  it  will  tug  at 

your   coat-tail. 
A  strong  man  laughs  at  temptation,  a  weak  man 

invites  it. 
The  devil  tempts  the  best  of  men;   an  idle   man 

tempts  the  devil. 
Tempt  not  a  desperate  man. — Shakespeare. 

"Tenderfoot."    "Don't  kick  against  the  pricks;"  let 

some  other  "tenderfoot"  try  it. 
He's  a  "tenderfoot"   from  Texas. 

Thanks.     Thanks  are  good,  but    they    won't    buy 

bread. 

"Thank  yer"  '11  du  fer  cold  lunch,  but  it's  a  durn 
pore   dinner. — Bronco   Bill. 

Theories.     It  is  easier  to  plan  than  perform. 
Test    theory    by    practice. 
A  theoretical  fact  is  often  mere  illusion. 
It  is  a  condition  that  confronts  us — not  a  theory. 

— Grover  Cleveland. 
He  who  follow1?  theories  will  often  bump  his  head 

against  solid   facts. 

Theories  lead  to  tests  and  tests  lead  to  truth. 
What  theory  proves,  experience  often  disproves. 

They  say.     "They-say"  is  a  gabbler. 
They-say  is  her-say. 
"They-say"  is  an  excuse  for  a  liar. 

Thief.    A  little  thief  goes  to  prison,  a  big  thief  goes 

to  Congress. 

He  that  steals  for  you  will  steal  from  you. 
Republics  breed   thieves   and   demagogues. 
He'd  steal  the  pennies  off  his  dead  grandmother's 


LACONICS  291 


eyes,  an'  kick  the  corpse  becuz  they  wuzn't  quar- 
ters.— Bronco   Bill. 

Think.     Think  twice  before  you  speak  and  thrice 

before  you  write. 

Think  and  read  and  read  and  think. 
Think  all  you  say,  but  don't  say  all  you  think. 
With  you,   Bourrienne,   I  think  aloud. — Napoleon. 

Thinker.     "God  let  loose  a  thinker  on  this  planet," 

when  Shakespeare  was  born. 
Let  the  thinker  guide  the  toiler. 

Thorns.    Don't  tread  on  thorns  barefoot. 
If  you  handle  thorns  put  on  gloves. 
Wisdom  grows  on  thorns. 
Of  thorns  men  do  not  gather  figs. — Jesus. 

Thought.     You  may  read  all  your  life  and  never 

learn  anything  unless  you  learn  to  think. 
Our  thoughts  may  be  good  yet  produce  no  fruit. 
"I  thought  so"  is  often  mistaken. 
"Things      breed      thoughts"  —  (Tupper),  —  and 

thoughts   breed  things. 
Most  of  our  "new  thoughts"   are  older  than  the 

Pyramids. 
They  are  never  alone  who  are  accompanied  with 

noble  thoughts. — Sir  Philip  Sidney. 

Thorough.     Whatever  you  do — do  thoroughly. 
Whatever  is   worth  doing  is  worth  doing  well. 
Don't  stop   half-way:   work   to   the   end. 

Threat.    He  who  threatens  his  enemy  puts  him  on 

his  guard. 

Bite  first  and  bark  afterwards. 
The  thunder  threatens,  but  the  lightning  strikes. 


292  LACONICS 


It  ain't  the  curs  thet  bark  thet  bite, 

But  curs  kin  start  a  dog-fight. — Bronco  Bill. 

Thrift.     Thrift  beats  swift. 

Thyself.    Be  so  true  to  thyself,  as  thou  be  not  false 
to  others. — Bacon. 

Tickle.     Tickle  me  now  and  I'll  tickle  you  to-mor- 
row. 
Pleased  with  a  rattle,  tickled  with  a  straw. — Pope. 

Tide.    When  the  tide  comes  in,  come  in  on  it: 
When  the  tide  goes  out,  look  out. 
When  the  tide  comes  in  catch  fish ;  when  the  tide 
goes  out,  dig  clams. 

Tiger.     Pull  his  teeth  and  clip  his  claws  and  the 

tiger  mews  as  meek  as  a  kitten. 
Don't  "buck  the  tiger"  onless  yer  a  lion. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Time.    Time  is  the  eternal  Now. 

The  sands  of  time  are  sands  of  gold. 
Time  is  the  teacher  of  teachers. 
When  it  is  time  to  strike,  strike  hard. 
You  are  tethered  to  one  point  in  Time. 
To-day,  to-morrow,  yesterday  are  one — 
One  in  the  cycle  of  eternal  time 
That  hath  beginning  none,  nor  any  end. — Men. 
Time  is  the  rider  that  breaks  the  colt. 
Time  flies  without  wings. 

Time's  glory  is 

To  unmask  falsehood  and  bring  truth  to  light; 
To  wrong  the  wronger,  till  he  render  right. 

— Shakespeare. 


LACONICS  293 


How  time  gits   away  with  our  har,  ole  Jo! 
Jist  think  uf  it — twent — thutty  years  ago. 

— Bronco  Bill,  Cow-Boy  Ballads. 
You  can't  "kill  time" ;  you  can  waste  it. 
Time  starts  nowhere,  stops  nowhere,  and  runs  for- 
ever at  the  same  pace. 
The  wings  of  Time  are  swifter  than  the  feet  of 

men. 

He  spends  his  time  whining  that  he  hasn't  time. 
Time   is  a  great  teacher — after  you've   gone   and 

done  it. 
The  observer  who  studies  in  the  school  of  Time 

learns  much. 

Every  hour  of  lost  time  is  a  chance  for  future  evil. 

— Napoleon. 

To  choose  time  is  to  save  time. — Bacon. 
Most  people  spend  their  time,  wise  men  save  it. 
If  we  idle,  winter  will  ask  us — "What  were  you 

doing  all   summer?" — Bohemian  Prov. 
"Any  time"  is  no  time. 
Nae  man  can  tether  time  or  tide. — Burns. 
They  that  make  good  use  of  their  time  have  none 

to  spare. 
"What  are  you  doing  there?"  said  the  farmer  to 

the  tramp  in  his  hay-stack.     "Huntin'   fer  lost 

time,"  said  the  tramp. 

"Times."    He  is  peevish  who  praises  by-gone  times 

and  sees  no  good  in  our  own. 
Keep  up  with  the  "times";  don't  lag  behind  like  a 

lubber. 
"Many  times  and  oft  "Nature  gives  her  warning. 

Titles.     Vanity  parts  his  name  in  the  middle  and 
puts  a  handle  on  the  front  end. 


294  LACONICS 


He  is  descended  from  the  royal  house  of  "Stew- 
ards." 

She  sells  herself  and  her  fortune  for  a  title  and  a 
puppy. 

Titles  earned  are  honors :  titles  inherited  are  often 
a  reproach  to  the  forefathers. 

If  you  haven't  earned  a  title  don't  wear  it. 

Toad.     Better  be  a  big  toad  in  a  little  puddle  than 

a  little  toad  in  a  big  puddle. 
He  isn't  a  toad :  he's  a  toady. 

Toady.     He  wears  a  pollywog  coat  and  toadies  to 

the  "Four  Hundred." 
Better  sit  in  the  smoke  of  your  own  cabin  than  be 

a  toady  in  the  palace  of  a  king. 
When   you   are    going   uphill    Toady    is    ready    to 

boost,  when  you  are  going  clown  Toady  will  give 

you  a  kick. 
You  know  what  a  toady  is — that  agreable  animal 

you  meet  every  day  in  civilized   society. 

— Benj.   Disraeli. 

Tobacco.  Tobacco  is  a  great  blessin' ;  it  kills  cow- 
lice,  an'  ether  vermin. — Bronco  Bill. 

Tobacco  kills  chicken-lice  and  a  lot  of  "two-legged 
animals  without  feathers." 

The  tobacco  habit  is  best  cured  by  never  begin- 
ning it. 

Tobacco — the  Devil  planted  tobacco  on  earth. 

No  gentleman  chews  tobacco. 

Alas,  when  Columbus  discovered  America  he  dis- 
covered tobacco. 

Sir  Walter  Raleigh  took  from  America  to  Ireland 
a  blessing  and  a  curse — the  potato  and  tobacco. 


LACONICS  295 


To-day.  Ten  minutes  to-day  are  worth  an  hour  to- 
morrow. 

Do  it  to-day. 

We  lose  to-day  waiting  for  to-morrow. 

The  diligent  says,  "To-day" ;  the  sluggard  says, 
"To-morrow." 

Better  a  dollar  today  than  a  promise  of  two  to- 
morrow. 

"Mariana"  (to-morrow)  is  the  Mexican's  "To-day." 

Toil — toiler.     A  goodly  recompense 

Comes  from  hard  toil,  but  not  from  its  abuse. 

— Poetry. 

Labor  is  the  lot  of  mortal  man, 
Ordained  by  God  since  human  time  began. — Poetry. 
Aye,  in  loved  labor  only  is  there  rest. — Poetry. 
They  toil  most  who  do  nothing. 
Let  the  thinker  guide  the  toiler. 

Tolerance.  Tolerance  is  a  gret  virtue  in  t'other 
feller. — Bronco  Bill. 

To-morrow.    To-morrow,  to-morrow,  is  the  song  of 

the   idle. — (After  Weisse.) 
"To-morrow  I  made  my  fortune,"  cries  the  fool, 

"To-day  I'll  spend  it."— Men. 
To-morrow  is  the  first  day  in  the  fool's  calendar. 
One  hour  to-day  is  worth  ten  to-morrow. 
To-morrow? — it  is  always  to-day. 
A  mother  told  her  little  boy  never  to  put  off  till 

tomorrow     what    he    could    do     today.     "Then 

mother,"  said  the  boy,  "gimme  them  three  punkin 

pies;  I  kin  eat  'em  all  to-day." 
Frijoles,  tortillas,  mescal  y  bananas: 
Los  dias  de  hoy  son  siempre  mananas. 

— El  Peon  Mejicano. 


296  LACONICS 


Tongue.     There  are  many  men  who  might  govern 

multitudes  if  they  could  only  govern  their  own 

tongues. 

A  prudent  man   is   tongue-tied. 
You  can't  control  the  tongue  of  others :  you  can  do 

better — you  can  control  your  own. 
The  firste  vertue,  sone,  if  thou  wolt  learne, 
It  to  restreine  and  kepen  wel  thy  tonge. — Chaucer. 
Milton   was   asked   if   he  intended   to   instruct  his 

daughters  in  foreign  tongues.     He  replied,  "No, 

madam ;  one  tongue  is  sufficient  for  any  woman, 

and  too  much  for  many." 
Ef  yer  held  up  by  a  footpad  in  Chicago,  hold  yer 

tongue ;  dont  squeal,  onless  yer  want  tu  stay  all 

night  in  the  lock-up. — Bronco  Bill. 
If  you  can't  hold  your  temper,  hold  your  tongue. 
Many  a  man  has  cut  his  throat  with  his  tongue. 
Put  a  bridle  on  your  tongue,  or  it  will  put  a  halter 

on  you. 
The  sting  of  an  evil  tongue  is  worse  than  the  sting 

of  an  asp. 

I  want  more  head  and  less  tongue. — Napoleon. 
If  thou  desire  to  be  held  wise,  be  so  wise  as  to 

hold  thy  tongue. — Quarles. 
Give  every  man  thine  ear,  but  few  thy  tongue. 
Nature  has  given  us  one  tongue  and  two  ears,  that 

we  may  hear  more  than  we  speak. — Epic  fetus. 
Your  tongue  runs  before  your  wit. — Swift. 
The  tongue  is  an  index  to  the  man. 
I  don't  like  raw  tongue  in  a  woman's  mouth. 

— Bronco  Bill 
Too  much.     Enough  is  often  too  much. 


LACONICS  297 


Yer  kin  git  tu  much  uf  anythin'  but  common-sense. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
She  knows  but  little,  but  she  knows  too  much. 

Tools.     The   man   who   drops   his   tools   where   he 

uses  them  is  the  poorest  tool  on  the  ranch. 
Language  is  only  a  tool. 

The  most  wonderful  tool  is  the  human  hand. 
Don't  use  a  fool  fer  a  tool,  er  yer'll  cut  yer  fingers 

— Bronco   Bill. 
Top.    It  is  hard  to  climb  to  the  top ;  you  can  slide  to 

the  bottom. 

Don't  try  to  build  the  top-story  first. 
It  is  better  to  begin  at  the  bottom  and  work  up 

than  to  begin  at  the  top  and  work  down. 
It  is  easier  to  get  on  top  than  to  stay  on  top. 
If  it  were  as  easy  to  slide  up-hill  as  it  is  to  slide 
down-hill,  we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 

Trade.  Stick  to  your  trade :  let  the  cobbler  stick  to 
his  last,  the  farmer  to  his  plow,  the  preacher  to 
his  pulpit,  the  doctor  to  his  pills,  and  the  devil 
and  the  lawyer  to  all  of  us. 

Buy  of  the  needy  and  sell  to  the  rich. 

He  that  hath  a  trade  hath  an  estate. — Franklin. 

Better  a  skillful  cobbler  at  his  last 

Than  unlearned  poet  twangling  on  the  lyre. 

— Poetry. 

Trade  the  ole  hoss  fer  a  young  un,  an'  git  suthin' 
tu  boot. — Bronco  Bill. 

Don't  trade  your  honor  for  office. 

A  Indiana  circuit  rider  kin  beat  a  "Posey  county 
long-legs"   on   a   hoss-trade. — Bronco   Bill. 


298  LACONICS 


Tragedy.     He's  a  great  actor;  he  tears  tragedy  to 

tatters. 

Tragedy? — The  world  is  full  of  it. 
Deep  tragedy  is  the  school  of  great  men. 

— Napoleon. 

Training.    Training  is  the  best  teacher. 

"Tramp."    Where  I  goes  and  how  I  fares 
Nobody  knows  and  nobody  cares : 
I'm  here  to-day  and  there  to-morrow; 
They  call  me  a  shirk — I'm  tired  of  work — 
And  I  steal,  for  I  scorn  to  beg  or  borrow. 

Trap.     He  sets  a  trap  for  others  and  puts  his  own 

foot  in  it. 

You  can't  fool  a  fox  twice  into  the  same  trap. 
Don't  try  to  trap  a  fox  with  turnips. 

Travel — traveller.    Travel  your  own  country  first. 
If  you  would  gain  knowledge  by  travelling,  study 

the  country  and  the  people  as  you  go. 
Travellers  find  many  hotels  and  few  friends. 
He  travels  for  his  health:  he  could  find  it  in  his 

own  field. 

Treachery.    Of  all  the  vices  of  human  nature  treach- 
ery is  the  worst. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  Treachery  to  tread ; 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the  bread, 
And  wolves  become  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

He  who  betrays  a  friend  is  worthy  to  be  hanged. 
Tree.     Wisdom  plants  trees :     Folly    hacks    them 

with  his  little  hatchet. 
He  that  plants  trees  for  the  future  is  a  patriot. 


LACONICS  299 


Don't  transplant  an  old  tree. — Arab  Proverb. 
A  family-tree — ape  to  Adam — Adam  to  ape. 
Neither  can  a  corrupt  tree  bring  forth  good  fruit. 

— Jesus. 
When  a  great  tree  falls,  little  men  run  to  hack  it 

with  their  little  hatchets. 
Every  family-tree  bears  some  bad  fruit. 

Trial.     Paul,  O  Paul,  forgive  and  be  forgiven ; 
Earth  is  all  trial ;  there  is  peace  in  heaven. 

— Pauline. 
It  is  a  weak  virtue  that  cannot  stand  the  test  of 

trial. 

Trial  is  the  test  of  all  things. 
Try  men  before  you  trust  them. 

Tribute.    We  all  pay  tribute  to  success. 
What  right  has  Caesar  to  demand  tribute? 
Don't  pay  tribute  to  the  devil :  the  saloons  are  his 
contribution  boxes. 

Tricks — trickster.    The  trickster  tricks  himself. 
Thar's  lots  uf  tricks  in  pollytics ; 
The  smooth   and  slick,  he  takes  the  trick. 

— Bronco   Bill 

Trifles.    There  are  no  trifles  in  this  world. 
Two  atoms  of  cosmic  dust  unite,  cohere, 
And  lo  the  building  of  a  world  begun. — Change. 
Life  is  made  up  of  trifles;  take  heed  to  the  trifles. 
When  a  hound  is  chasing  a  stag  he  doesn't  stop  to 

bite   fleas. 

Trifles  lost  the  day  at  Waterloo. 
We  are  all  trifles  and  triflers. 
We    trifle    with    Time,    but    Time    doesn't    trifle 
with  us. 


300  LACONICS 


Don't  trifle  with  trifles. 

Don't  let  trifles  load  the  rifles. 

Triumph.     Through  love  and  labor,  triumph. 

We  proclaim  our  triumphs  and  hide  our  mistakes. 

Work  and  wait: 
Ne'er  despair  and  ne'er  abate; 
Work  will  triumph  soon  or  late : 

Work  and  wait. 
He  sings  his  triumph  before  the  battle  begins. 

Trouble.     Boil  and  bubble,  bubble  and  boil — 
Toil  and  trouble,  trouble  and  toil. 
The  troubles  that  never  come  worry  us  most. 
It  is  easy  to  double  your  trouble. 
He  who  has  no  trouble  of  his  own  will  borrow 

some 

Behold  within  thee  the  long  trains  of  thy  troubles. 

— Sir  Thomas  Bro^vne 
Life  is  mostly  froth  and  bubble; 

Two  things  stand  like  stone : 
Kindness  in  another's  trouble. 

Courage   in   our   own. — Adam   Lindsay   Gordon. 
Troubles   are   stumbling  blocks   to   the   weak   and 

stepping-stones  to  the  strong. 
Don't  trouble  trouble  till  trouble  troubles  you. 
No  man  gets  into  trouble  without  his  own  help. 
If  you  are  hunting  for  trouble,  make  haste  slowly. 
There  is  one  thing  always  best  to  be  put  off  till 

tomorrow — borrowing  trouble. 
But  human  bodies  are  sic'  fools, 
For  a'  their  colleges  an'  schools, 
That  when  nae  real  ills  perplex  them, 
They  mak  enow  themsels  to  vex  them. — Burns. 


LACONICS  301 


The  man  thet  borrers  trouble  allus  pays  tu  much 

fer  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
Yer  kin  allus  find  trouble  enuff  'thout  huntin'  fer 

it. — Bronco  Bill. 
Yer   kin   double   yer   trouble   easier   thun   yer   kin 

double  yer  dollars. — Bronco  Bill. 
Double-discount  yer  troubles  an'  let  the  ether  feller 

carry  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

Trout.     Better  one  trout  on  the  hook  than  ten  in 

the  brook. 

Yer  cain't  ketch  trout  with  dry  boots. — Bronco  Bill. 
Ef  yer  wanter  ketch  trout,  don't  skear  'em. 

— Bronco  Bill 

True.     Behold  the  brute's  unerring-  instinct  guides 
True  as  the  pole-star. — Men. 

To  thine  own  self  be  true; 

And  it  must  follow,  as  the  night  the  day, 

Thou  cans't  not  then  be  false  to  any  man. 

— Shakespeare. 

Forget? — and  yet — can  I  forget 

That  one  was  false  and  one  was  true? 

Although  true,  be  cautious  about  stating  what  ap- 
pears to  be  false. 

Ivery  cratur  is  true  tu  natur. — Bronco  Bill. 

"It  is  true  indade,"   said   Pat,  "but  Oi  don't  be- 
lave  it."* 

Trust.     He  who  trusts  everybody  will  cheat  him- 
self. 
Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to  tread. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

The  greatest  trust  in  America  is  the  U.   S.  gov- 
ernment. 


302  LACONICS 


Trust  nothing;  try  everything. 

"We  trust  the  people,"  says  the  man  who  sells  on 

the  "installment  plan." 

"But  we  don't  trust  you,"  say  prudent  people. 
Trust  in  Providence,  but  push  the  work. 
Shoot  straight,  men;  put  your  trust  in  your  rifles. 

— General  W .  T.  Sherman. 
Trust  Providence,  but  look  to  your  collaterals. 
Trust  is  a  dear  shop  to  trade  in. 
Trust  yourself  and  others  will  trust  you. — (After 

Goethe.) 
"Trust  in  Providence,"  said  the  Preacher.     "I  kin 

du  better  fer  cash,"  said  the  deaf  old  lady. 

Truth.     Truth   is   the   daughter    of    time   and   the 

mother  of  science. 

Truth  always   follows  a  straight  line. 
Truth  is  the  foundation  of  all  greatness. 
The  greatest  truths  are  the  simplest,  and   so  are 

the  greatest  men. — Ware. 
Every  man  seeks  for  truth.     God  only  knows  who 

has  found  it. — Chesterfield. 
The  greatest  friend  of  truth  is  time. — Colton. 
It  is  much  easier  to  recognize  error,  than  to  find 

the  truth. — Goethe. 

Tell  truth,  and  shame  the  devil. — Shakespeare. 
Our  enemies,  in  their  judgment  of  us,  come  nearer 

the  truth  than  we  do  ourselves. 

— La  Rochefoucauld. 
The  truth  is  always  the  strongest  argument. 

— Sophocles. 

Truth  is  always  an  oracle. 
To  him   fiction  is  a  familiar  friend,  and  truth   a 

stranger. 


LACONICS  303 


Beware  of  the  truth  that  covers  a  lie. 
One  truth  fits  all  other  truths ;  a  lie  fits  nothing. 
The  naked  truth  needs  no  cloak. 
If  it  is  the  truth  what  matter  who  says  it? 
Truth  always  has  the  ring  of  the  true  metal. 
Truth  can  go  naked ;  falsehood  needs  fine  clothes. 
There  is  no  religion  higher  than  the  truth: 
Men  make  the  creeds,  but  God  ordains  the  law. 
Above  all  cant,  all  arguments  of  men. 
Above  all  superstitions,  old  or  new, 
Above  all  creeds  of  every  age  and  clime, 
Stands  the  etrnal  Truth — the  creed  of  creeds. 

— Men. 

Behold  the  serried  ranks  of  Truth  advance, 
And  stubborn  science  shakes  her  shining  lance 
Full  in  the  face  of  stolid  Ignorance. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Truth,   like  a  diamond,  ever  loves  the  light. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

God's  right  arm  of  Truth  prevails  in  every  field. 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones ! 
How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  discern 
The  truth  that  preaches  from  the  silent  stones, 
The  silent  hills,  the  silent  universe, 
While  error  cries  in  sanctimonious  tones 
That  all  the  light  of  life  and  God  is  hers. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Man  who  hath  walked  in  sleep — what  thousands 

years ! — 

Groping  among  the  shadows  of  the  night, 
Moon-struck  and  in  a  weird  somnambulism, 
Mumbling  some  cunning  cant  or  catechism, 
Thrilled  by  the  electric  magic  of  the  skies — 


304  LACONICS 


Sun-touched  by  Truth,  awakes  and  rubs  his  eyes. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
"Pis   easier  to  believe 

An  old-time  fiction  than  to  wear  a  tooth 

In  gnawing  bones  to  reach  the  marrow  Truth. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 

When  wine  goes  in  teetotal  truth  comes  out. 

Let  virtue  be  your  helmet  and  your  shield, 

And  Truth  your  weapon,  weapon  sharp  and  strong 

And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 

The  plainest  truths  are  the  prettiest. 

Truth  never  grows  old,  but   a  lie  soon   loses   its 
teeth. 

Let  truth  be  your  weapon  and  virtue  your  shield. 

There  is  gold  in  all  metals  and  truth  in  all  creeds. 

Don't  try  to  warp  the  truth  to  fit  you ;  fit  yourself 
to  the  truth. 

Truth,  crushed  to  earth,  shall  rise  again: 
The  eternal  years  of  God  are  hers ; 

But  Error,  wounded,  writhes  in  pain, 

And  dies  among  his  worshippers. — Bryant. 

A  half  truth  is  a  whole  lie. 

A  lie  is  dangerous  when  it  creeps  under  the  cloak 
of  truth. 

You  can't  help  truth  with  a  lie. 

It  is  the  truth  that  hurts. 

Truth  needs  no  armor  but  her  naked  breast. 

Truth  is  due  to  the  living  and  the  dead. 

Truth  needs   no  ornament;   she   herself   is   a  dia- 
mond. 

Truth  like  the  sun  is  sometimes  under  a  cloud. 

To  detect  error  start  with  the  truth. 

Truth  does  not  need  the  aid  of  miracles. 

— Robert  G.  Ingersoll. 


LACONICS  305 


In  most  falsehoods  there  are  grains  of  truth. 

Try.     If  one  door  is  shut,  try  another. 
If  one  fish  won't  take  the  bait  another  will. 
Ef  the  "suckers"  won't  bite  at  a  "fly,"  try  a  little 

"sweet-oil"  on  a  wum. — Bronco  Bill. 
"Try"  and  "Stick-to-it"  will  bore  a  hole  through  a 

mountain. 
I'll  pick  my  flint  and  try  it  again. — Henry  Clay. 

Tub.     Every  tub  must  stand  on  its  own  bottom. 

Turkey-cock.    He  struts  and  gobbles  like  a  turkey- 
cock  in  a  hen-yard. 
He  looked  like  a  turkey-cock  on  horseback. 

Tyranny.    The  olden  precedents. 

Oft  stepping-stones  of  tyranny  and  wrong. 

— Pauline. 

Tyranny  is  tyranny  whether  in  one  man  or  a  mob. 
There  is  no  tyranny  so  despotic  as  public  opinionv 

— Donn  Piatt. 

Tyrant.     A  tyrant  is  always  a  coward. 
The  worst  of  all  tyrants  is  the  mob. 
"The  little  blind  boy"  is  a  merciless  tyrant. 

U 

Unction.     Lay  not  that  flattering  unction  to  your 

soul. — Shakespeare. 

He's  ful  uf  unction  thet  smells  like  whale-ile :  prick 
his  bag  uf  unction  an'  let  out  the  smell. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Understand.     It  is  folly  to  approve  what  you  do 
not  understand. 


306  LACONICS 


Unexpected.     The  unexpected  often  happens :  pre- 
pare for  the  unexpected. 

Union.    All  for  each — each  for  all. 

A  bundle  of  sticks  is  stronger  than  the  single  sticks 

unbound. 

In  union  there  is  safety. 
"United  we  stand — divided  we  fall."     "E  pluribus 

unum," 

Unit.    Moments  are  the  units  of  eternity. 
Atoms  are  the  units  of  the  universe. 
In  the  vast  universe  man  is  but  an  infinitesimal  unit. 
It  takes  two  to  make  one. 

It  takes  more  than  a  million  decimals  to  make  one 
unit. 

Unity.     Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  His; 
Lo  all-pervading  Unity  is  He; 
One  mighty  heart  throbs  in  the  earth  and  sea, 
in  every  star  through  heaven's  immensity, 
And  God  in  all  things  breathes,  in  all  things  is. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Universe.    Hope  and  trust : 

All  life  springs  from  out  the  dust: 
Ah,  we  measure  God  by  man, 
Looking  forward  but  a  span 
On  his  wondrous,  boundless  plan; 
All  his  ways  are  wise  and  just: 
Hope  and  trust. 
Hope  and  trust: 

Hope  will  blossom  from  the  dust; 
Love  is  queen ;  God's  throne  is  hers ; 
His  great  heart  with  loving  force 
Throbs  throughout  the  Universe: 


LACONICS  307 


We  are  His  and  He  is  just : 

Hope  and  trust. — Dust  to  Dust. 
Measure  the  ocean  in  a  drinking  cup? 
Measure  Eternity  by  the  town-clock  ? 
Nay,  with  a  yard-stick  measure  the  Universe? 
Measure  for  measure  measure  God  by  man? — Men. 
God's  perfect  order  rules  the  vast  expanse, 
And  love  is  queen  and  all  the  realms  are  hers. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
The  earth  is  but  a  grain  of  sand — 

An  atom  in  a  shoreless  sea; 
A  million  worlds  lie  in  God's  hand — 

Yea,  myriad  millions — what  are  we? — Fame. 

Star  on   star, 

System  on  system,  myriad  worlds  on  worlds, 
Beyond  the  utmost  reach  of  mortal  ken, 
Beyond  the  utmost  flight  of  mortal  dream. 

— Beyond 
What  you  know  is  a  grain  of  sand ;  what  you  don't 

know  is  the  universe. 

In  the  entire  universe  the  least  is  a  part  of  all. 
The  universe  is  a  circle  without  circumference. 

Unknown.     We  always  magnify  the  unknown. 
Don't  spend  your  life  seeking  the  unknowable : 
make  bread  out  of  the  known. 

Unlearn.     How  hard  it  is  for  mortals  to  unlearn 
Beliefs  bred  in  the  marrow  of  their  bones! 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 

Up-hill.     On  an  up-hill  road  with  a  big  load  the 

patient  mule  will  beat  a  thoroughbred. 
If  we  could  slip  up-hill  as  easily  as  we  slip  down- 
hill we  would  all  be  at  the  top. 


308  LACONICS 


Up-stream.     It  is  easier  to  float  down-stream  than 

to  paddle  up-stream. 

Yer  canoe  won't  float  up-stream  without  a  paddle, 
an'  a  man  on  the  paddle. — Bronco  Bill. 

Up-to-date.    Keep  up  to  date  and  a  little  ahead. 

Use — useful.    The  useful  is  always  beautiful. 
What    is    not    useful    to-day    may    be    useful    to- 
morrow. 
How  use  doth  breed  a  habit  in  a  man. 

— Shakespeare 
Everything  to  its  use. 
Use  almost  can  change  the  stamp  of  nature. 

— Shakespeare. 

No  use  tryin'  tu  make  a  race-hoss  outer  a  donkey. 

— Bronco  Bill 
The  evil  lies  not  in  the  use,  but  in  the  abuse  of  the 

use. 

Never  use  swar-words  onless  yer  kicked  by  a  mooL 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He  wud  never  a-got  the  whisky-habit  ef  he  hedn't 

got  uster  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
The  Gunnel  got  so  uster  swarin'   thet  he'd  swar 

when  he  wuz  sayin'  his  pra'rs. — Bronco  Bill. 
In  the  whole  universe  there  is  nothing  in  vain — 

nothing  without  its  use. 

I  hain't  got  no  use  fer  a  man  thet  hain't  got  no  use 
fer  himself. — Bronco  Bill. 

Usury.    Pay  usury  and  buy  beggary. 

V 

Vacant — vacuity.    He  has  a  cranium  full  of  vacuity. 
His  upper  story  is  to  let. 


LACONICS  309 


He  is  the  picture  of  a  vacuum. 

Vain.     Vain   is  the  world,  but  only   to  the  vain. 

— Young. 

The  vile  are  only  vain ;  the  great  are  proud. — Byron. 
Ignobly  vain  and  impotently  great.-  -Pope. 
To  laugh  at  their  vain  deeds  and  vainer  thoughts. 

— Dryden. 
Valor.    He  who  faces  his  duty  like  a  man  is  brave 

enough. 

Valor  is  a  whole  battalion. 

"The  better  part  uf  valor  is  discreeshin,"  said  the 
Gunnel  when  he  hid  in  the  bresh. — Bronco  Bill. 

Value.    Compel  the  world  to  value  you  at  what  you 

are  worth. 

In  the  long  run  most  men  are  reckoned  at  their 
true  value. 

Vanity.    Vanity  is  an  expensive  luxury. 

The  sting  of  vanity  is  sharper  than  the  sting  of 

want. 
Vanity  dies  hard ;  in  some  obstinate  cases  it  outlives 

the  man. — Robert  L.  Stevenson. 
He  writ  his  own  epitaph. — Bronco  Bill. 
O  vanity  of  vanities ! 

How  wayward  the  decrees  of  Fate  are : 
How  very  weak  the  very  wise, 

How  very  small  the  very  great  are. — Thackeray. 
Thus  they  flutter  on 
From  toy  to  toy,  from  vanity  to  vice. 

James  Thomson. 

Vanity  is  a  disease:  most  people  catch  it. 
It  is  vanity  to  disclaim  vanity. 
Vanity  is  the  fool's  glory. 


310  LACONICS 


Every  man  has  a  streak  of  vanity. 

The  vanity  of  the  rich  is  a  blessing  to  the  poor. 

Vanity  is  the  well-spring  of  much  generosity. 

Variety.  The  sweetest  harp  of  heaven 

Were  hateful  if  it  played  the  self-same  tune 
Forever. 

Nothing  is  pleasant  that  is  not  spiced  with  variety 

— Bacon. 

Change  is  the  order  of  the  Universe. — Change. 
"Variety  is  the  spice  of  life,"  they  say:  Bill  Jones 

hez  hed  seven  wives,  an'  he's  huntin'  fer  anether. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Verbosity.    All  sound  and  no  sense. 

In  the  chaff  of  verbosity  you  will  find  few  grains 

of  sense. 

Full  of  verbosity  he  teaches  "Theosophy" 
In  a  muddle  of  mush  and  calls  it  Philosophy. 
He  would  talk  the  hind  legs  off  a  hobby-horse. 
Vice.    All  vices  are  relatives. 

No  vice,  no  virtue:  no  evil,  no  good. 

Vice  is  ketchin' :  yer  kin  ketch  a  vice  easier  thun 

yer  kin  cure  it. — Bronco  Bill. 
We   carry   two   burdens — our   own   vices   and   the 

vices  of  our  progenitors. 

Vice  never  yields  the  fruits  of  virtue. — Channing. 
When  our  vices  leave  us  we  flatter  ourselves  that 

we  have  left  them. — La  Rochefoucauld. 
Vice  is  a  monster  of  so  frightful  mien, 
As  to  be  hated,  needs  but  to  be  seen; 
Yet  seen  too  oft,  familiar  with  his  face, 
We  first  endure,  then  pity,  then  embrace. — Pope. 
Never  open  the  door  to  a  little  vice  lest  a  greater 

sneak  in. 


LACONICS  311 


Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep. 
At  the  tap-root  of  every  vice  is  a  virtue. 
Vice   leads   to  crime. 

What  maintains  one  vice  would  bring  up  two  chil- 
dren.— Benj.  Franklin. 

You  can't  cure  one  vice  by  taking  on  another. 

Men's  vices  are  virtues  run  wild. 

Vice  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue  if  it  is  only  a 

fig-leaf. 
The   vicious   are   swift  to  condemn   the   faults   of 

others. 

Victory.    He  has  won  a  great  victory  who  conquers 

himself. 
"To  the  victors  belong  the  spoils,"  but  the  "spoils" 

spoil  the  victors. 
Another  such  victory  and  we  are  undone. 

— Plutarch — Life  of  Pyrrhus. 

A  Cadmean  victory,  (where  both  sides  were  licked) 
Victory,  or  else  a  grave. — Shakespeare. 
Victory !  or  Westminster  Abbey ! — Lord  Nelson  (on 

boarding  the  San  Carlo.) 
But  what  they  fought  each  other  for 

I  could  not  well  make  out. 


But  'twas  a  famous  victory. — Southey. 
Hannibal  knows  how   to  gain  a  victory,   but  not 
how  to  use  it. 
— Barca  (Plutarch:  Life  of  Fabius  Maximus). 

Vigilance.     "Eternal  vigilance"  is  the  price  of  suc- 
cess. 
That  watch-dog  is  a  vigilance-committee  of  one. 

Villain.    The  cunning  villain  glitters  in  his  eyes. 


312  LACONICS 


My  tables — meet  it  is  I  set  it  down, 

That  one  may  smile,  and  smile,  and  be  a  villian. 

— Shakespeare. 

A  hungry,  lean- faced  villain. — Shakespeare. 
When  rich  villains  have  need  of  poor  ones, 
Poor  ones  may  make  what  price  they  will. 

— Shake  sp  eare. 

Villainy.     And  thus  I  clothe  my  naked  villainy 
With  odd  ole  ends  stol'n  forth  of  holy  writ; 
And  seem  a  saint,  when  most  I  play  the  devil. 

— Shakespeare. 
That  execrable  sum  of  all  villainies,  commonly  called 

A  Slave  Trade. — Rev.  Charles  Wesley. 
Away  with  all  villainies!     That  you  may  be  loved, 
be  lovable. — Ovid — Ars  Amat. 

Vinegar.     He  carries  a  vinegar  visage  that  would 

sour  sauerkraut. 

His  kindest  words  are  "gall  and  vinegar." 
Put  a  little  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 

Violence.     Where  violence  begins,  reason  ends. 

Virago.     Deliver  me  frum  a  virago,  an'  a  yawlin' 

tom-cat. — Bronco  Bill. 
A  clapper-tongue  wad  deave  a  miller — Burns. 

Virtue.     Negative   virtues   are   good    positive   vir- 
tues are  better. 

Trust  paves  the  way  for  treachery  to  tread; 
Under  the  cloak  of  virtue  vices  creep; 
Fools  chew  the  chaff  while  cunning  eats  the  bread, 
And  wolves  became  the  shepherds  of  the  sheep. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
Assume  a  virtue,  if  you  have  it  not. — Shakespeare. 


LACONICS  313 


Virtue  is  like  a  rich  stone,  best  plainest  set. — Bacon. 
Virtue  will  catch  by  contact  as  well  as  vice. — Burke. 
The  virtue  that  requires  to  be  ever  guarded  is 

scarce  worth  the  sentinel. — Goldsmith. 
Virtue  would  soon  falter  if  hope  did  not  lead  or 

fear  follow  her. 

Virtue  alone  is  happiness  below. — Pope. 
Let  virtue  be  your  helmet  and  your  shield, 
And  Truth  our  weapon — weapon  sharp  and  strong, 
And  deadly  to  all  error  and  all  wrong. 
Golden  darts  will  pierce  even  virtue's  shield. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
Virtue  is  a  safe  helmet  and  a  sure  shield. 
All  virtues  are  of  one  blood. 
Virtue  is  its  own  reward : — many  people  think  it's 

poor  pay. 

Virtue  is  safe  only  when  armed  with  knowledge. 
A  cracked  cup  is  easily  broken. 
Virtue  once  pawned  is  rarely  redeemed. 
At  the  root  of  every  vice  is  a  virtue. 
Vice  assumes  a  garment  of  virtue,  if  it  is  only  a 

fig-leaf. 
Men  are  prone  to  remember  your  faults  and  forget 

your  virtues. 
Virtue  is  betrayed  by  weakness  oftener  than  by  vice. 

Vixen.     The  vixen   never   comes   to   kiss   but   she 
means  to  bite. 

Voice.     The  voices  of  the  hoar  and  hurryingf  years 
Cry  from  the  silence — "Change,  perpetual  Change." 

— Change. 

The  hoarse,  low  voice  of  the  years  croaks  on  for- 
ever and  aye — 
Change !  Change !  Change ! — Daniel. 


314  LACONICS 


He  has  a  voice  like  a  brass  band: 

He  can  out-bellow  the  bulls  of   Bashan. 

Her  voice  wud  skear  an  ole  screech-owl. 

An'  send  a  yelpin'  coyote  tu  her  hole. — Bronco  Bill. 

There   is   no   index   of   character   so    sure   as   the 

voice. — B,  Disraeli. 
Her  voice  was  full  of  tears. 
He  hez  got  a  maggiephone  in  his  throat. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

The  devil  hath  not  in  all  his  quiver's  choice 
An  arrow  for  the  heart  like  a  sweet  voice. — Byron. 

Vow.     A   sailor's  vow — forgotten   as   soon   as   the 

storm  is  over. 

Marriage  vows  air  like  "swarin'  off"  on  the  fust  uf 
January. — Bronco   Bill. 

The  vow  that  binds  too  strictly  snaps  itself. 

— Tennyson. 

Vulgarity.     Ignorance  breeds  vulgarity,    and    vul- 
garity breeds  contempt. 
Be  thou  familiar,  but  by  no  means  vulgar. 

— Shakespeare. 

W 

Wag.     He's  a  wag — he  wags  the  wag-end  of  wit. 
"My  fawning  dog,"  the  sage  satanic  said, 
"Wags  not  his  tail  for  me,  but  for  my  bread." 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
Wags  wag  their  tongues  in  all  tongues. 
King  Drone,  flat  fool  that  weather-cocked  all  winds, 
Gulped  gall  and  vinegar  and  smacked  it  wine, 
Wig-wagged  his  way  from  gilded  (Eil  de  Boeuf 
Through  mob  and  maelstrom  to  the  guillotine. 

— Men 


LACONICS  315 


Wag- jaw  is  a  wise  fellow. 

Now,  brave  Cap'n  Bragg  war  ez  witty  a  wag 

Ez  ever  smelt  gunpowder  under  the  flag. 

— War  ^vith  Japan. 
Wager.    A  wager  is  a  fool's  argument. 

Wait.     He  is  wise  who  knows  how  and  when  to 

wait. 

Watch   and   wait. 
Don't  wait  for  something  to  turn  up ;  go  at  it  and 

turn  it  up. 

"Everything  comes  to  those  who  wait,"  so — go  tu 
sleep  an'  "wait  a  century  fer  a  reader." 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Want.     Man's  real  wants  how  simple  and  how  few. 

— Men. 
He  is  the  least  in  want  who  wants  the  least. 

— One  Hundred  Years  Ago. 
See  man  the  picture  of  perpetual  want, 
The  prototype  of  all  disquietude; 
Full  of  trouble,  yet  ever  seeking  more. 
Give  him  the  gold  of  Ophir,  still  he  delves; 
Give  him  the  land,  and  he  demands  the  sea; 
Give  him  the  earth — he  reaches  for  the  stars. 
Doomed  by  his  fate  to  scorn  the  good  he  has, 
And  grasp  at  fancied  good  beyond  his  reach, 
He  seeks  for  silver  in  the  distant  hills, 
While  in  the  sand  gold  glimmers  at  his  feet. 

— Men. 
The  sting  of  vanity  is  sharper  than  the  sting  of 

want. 

Want  less  and  you'll  have  more. 
Buy  what  you  need — not  what  you  want. 
And  from  the  prayer  of  Want,  and  plaint  of  Woe, 
O  never,  never  turn  away  thine  ear. — James  Bcattic. 


316  LACONICS 


Nor  feed,  for  pomp,  an  idle  train, 
While  Want  unpitied  pines  in  vain. 

— John  Langhorne. 
Not  what  we  wish,  but  what  we  want. 

— James  Herrick. 

Civilization  and  science  multiply  our  wants. 
She   wants   a   pair  of   French   shoes,   and   then   a 

French  dress  and  a  French  hat  to  fit  them. 
We  want  what  we  want  when  we  want  it. 
"We  want  but  little  here  below,  nor  want  that  little 

long,"  said  the  monkey  when  the  dog  bit  his  tail 

short  off. 

War.    War  is  a  dog-fight ;  the  bull-dog  wins. 

War  is  an  arena  wherein  it  is  easier  to  find  a  grave 
than  a  monument. 

War  is  the  battle  of  beasts  and  the  feast  of  vul- 
tures. 

War  is  hell. — Gen.  W .  T.  Sherman. 

The  spectacle  of  a  field  of  battle,  after  the  combat 
is  over,  is  sufficient  to  inspire  princes  with  the 
love  of  peace  and  the  horror  of  war. — Napoleon. 

War  never  leaves  a  nation  where  it  found  it. 

— Burke. 

There  never  was  a  good  war  or  a  bad  peace. 

— Franklin. 

I  have  seen  enough  of  war  to  make  me  look  upon 
it  as  the  sum  of  all  evils. — "Stonewall"  Jackson. 

Let  us  have  peace. — Gen.  U.  S.  Grant. 

Nothing  but  a  battle  lost  can  be  half  as  melan- 
choly as  a  battle  won. — The  Duke  of  Wellington. 

War  makes  thieves  and  peace  hangs  a  few  of  them. 

It  is  a  shame  for  any  civilized  nation  to  go  to  war, 
or  threaten  war,  over  a  punctilio. 


LACONICS  317 


"C'est  magnifique,  mais  ce  n'est  pas  la  guerre."- 
It  is  magnificent,  but  it  is  not  war.  —  Marshal 
Canrobert  on  viewing  the  charge  of  the  "Light 
Brigade"  at  Balaclava. 

In  all  the  trade  of  war  no  feat 

Is  nobler  than  a  brave  retreat. — Samuel  Butler. 

Waste.    Waste  nothing;  all  things  have  their  use; 
God  has  created  nothing  in  vain. 
"Dot  ish  all  right,  mebbe.     I  dink  so  nieder;  aber 
vot  for  Gott  mak  dot  leetel  tarn — vot  you  call 

'im? — mit  ze  long  pill  und  dot  leetel  puzz?" 

— Max. 

Don't  waste  your  breath  blowing  cold  coals. 
Don't  waste  time  on  trifles. 
The  worst  waste  is  the  waste  of  time. 
Wilful  waste,  woeful  want. 
Waste  not,  want  not. 

Loose    expense    and    fashionable    waste. — Cowper. 
Full  many  a  flower  is  born  to  blush  unseen 

And  waste  its  sweetness  on  the  desert  air. — Gray. 

She  wastes  pomade  on  her  red,  crinkled  har; 
On  wrinkled  face  she  wastes  a  pot  of  paste, 

An'  wastes  vermilion  on  her  boiom  bar; 
But  she  wastes  no  soap  upon  her  underwar ! 
She  picks  the  pimples  on  her  powdered  nose ; 

She  wars  red  ribbons  on  her  sandaled  toes, 
An'  hip-slit  skirts  tu  show — her  red  silk  hose. 

She  tilts  her  cock-tail-feathered  hat  bizairre  ; 

She  tilts  her  amorous  eyes,  like  Egypt's  queen, 

An'  tilts  her  royal  pug-nose  in  between; 

As  if  tu  say — "Now,  mortal  men,  'bevare' !" 
Thet  "vider"  wuz  not  "born  to  blush  unseen, 

And  waste  her  sweetness  on  the  desert  air." 

— Bronco  Bill. 


318  LACONICS 


Don't  waste  a  dollar's  worth  of  time  looking  for  a 

lost  penny. 
Gather  up  the  fragments  that  remain,  that  nothing 

be   lost. — Jesus.      (St.  John,  6-12.) 

Watch — watchfulness.     Watch  and  wait. 

Watch  the  watchman. 
Set  a  watch  on  the  watcher. 
Watch  a  silent  dog. 
Watch  out  and  win  out. 

Watch-word.    The  watch-word  is  "Forward." 

Water.     He  writes  on  the  water  and  paints  on  the 

wind. 
Drink  no  longer  water,  but  use  a  little  wine  for  thy 

stomach's  sake. — First  Epistle  to  Timothy,  5-75. 
Water,  water,  everywhere,  Nor  any  drop  to  drink. 
— Coleridge — Ancient  Mariner. 
In  smooth  water,  God  help  us. 
His  name  was  writ  in  water. 
We  know  the  worth  of  water  when  the  river  runs 

dry. 

Shallow  waters  make  most  noise. 
Still  waters   run  deep. 

Stagnant  waters  breed  worms  and  mosquitoes. 
Don't  wade  in  troubled  waters. 
It  is  good  fishing  in  troubled  waters. — Proverb. 
He  is  trying  to  blaze  a  trail  on  the  water. 
He  plants  on  the  water  and  fishes  on  land. 
He   writes   his   name   on   the    waters   of    immortal 

fame. 

Water  your  fig-trees  and  your  friendships. 
Don't  sail  too  far  out  in  a  leaky  boat. 


LACONICS  319 


More  sailors  are  shipwrecked  on  shore  than  on  the 

sea. 
I   cain't   stan'   a   bucketful   uf    salt-water    frum    a 

woman's  eyes. — Bronco  Bill. 
I  s'pose  worter  wud  du  tu  drink  ef  yer  cud  strain 

the  micrabs  outer  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

Wax  and  wane.  The  law  of  wax-and-wane  per- 
vades the  Universe. 

Way  of  the  world.  It  is  the  way  of  the  world  to 
hang  a  man  first  and  try  him  afterwards. 

Weak — weakness.  Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bit- 
terness ;  strong  men  eschew  it. 

The  weakest  goes  to  the  wall. — Shakespeare. 

The  weakest  spot  in  most  men  is  where  they  fancy 
themselves  the  strongest. 

A  woman's  strength  lies  in  her  weakness. 

Search  out  and  mend  thine  infirmities  and  thy  vir- 
tues will  take  care  of  themselves. 

No  man  is  perfect :  every  man  has  his  weak  spot. 

The  weakest  link  breaks  the  chain. 

Wealth.  Wealth  in  the  hands  of  the  unwise  creates 
more  wants  than  it  supplies. 

Wealth  has  always  been  the  first  title  'to  consider- 
ation.— Napoleon. 

Wealth  is  not  his  that  has  it,  but  his  that  enjoys  it 

"Get  and  Save"  lead  to  wealth. 

Wealth  is  not  his  who  gets  it,  but  his  who  keeps  it. 

One  little  grain  of  wheat  has  benefited  man  more 
than  all  the  diamonds  dug  from  the  earth  since 
the  days  of  Adam. 


320  LACONICS 


The  multi-millionaire — an  ass  staggering  under  a 
load  of  bullion. 

Wealth  unemployed  is  a  useless  burden. 

Who  accumulates  wealth  accumulates  care. 

We  carp  at  wealth,  like  the  fox  that  couldn't  reach 
the  grapes. 

Diogenes  lived  in  a  tub  because  he  couldn't  afford 
a  cabin. 

We  affect  to  despise  wealth  and  wear  our  soles 
(souls)  out  running  after  it. 

We  curse  Croesus,  because  he  won't  divide. 

"Jim  Hill  is  a  robber!"  cried  the  Governor  of 
Minnesota.  "While  I  am  giving  bread  to  tens 
of  thousands  you  are  doing  your  level  best  to 
pull  down  the  bakery,"  replied  Hill. 

Great  wealth  is  great  poverty. 

Give  me  the  wealth  of  a  cabin  and  a  clean  con- 
science. 

Give  me  the  wealth  of  good  health. 

I  don't  wanter  be  wealthy, — ten  millions'll  du  me. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Wealth  may  be  the  servant  of  good  or  the  servant 
of  evil. 

Pat  said:  "Wan  bottle  av  'Auld  Oirish  Tay'  '11 
make  a  mon  a  millionaire."* 

Weather-cock.    The  higher  you  elevate  a  weather- 
cock, the  easier  he  turns  to  the  wind. 

Hear  the  demagogues 

Fist-maul  the  wind  and  weather-cock  the  crowd, 
With  brazen  faces  full  of  empty  noise 
Out-bellowing  the  bulls  of   Bashan. — Men. 

Wed— wedlock.     The  "outs"  want  in  and  the  "ins" 
want  out. 


LACONICS  321 


We.    What  are  we?    How  unequal!    Now  we  soar, 
And  now  we  sink. — Young. 

We — all  of  us — are  men,  except  the  other  brutes. 

Weed.     Weeds  and  flowers  grow  in  the  same  gar- 
den. 

All  our  cultivated  vegetables  were  once  weeds. 

Weed  out  your  faults  and  cultivate  your  virtues. 

We  can  tolerate  a  few  weeds  in  a  good  garden. 

The  rankest  weed  has  some  use;  nothing  is  made 
in  vain. 

Thet  ole  moss-back  rancher  raises  hell  an'  cockle- 
burs. — Bronco  Bill. 

I  guess  thar's  sum  pertaters  in  thet  patch,  but  yer 
got  tu  pull  a  darn  lot  uf  weeds  tu  find  'em. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Kill  the  weeds  when  young. 

It  takes  a  hard  frost  to  kill  weeds. 

Where  weeds  grow  corn  will  grow. 

Weel.     He's  a  chiel   o'  the  Deil — he's  a  ne'er-do- 
weel. 

Welcome.     Baked  potatoes  and   welcome   make   a 

feast. 

Unbidden  guests  are  often  welcomest  when  they  are 
gone. — Shakespeare. 

Well.     They  say  truth  lies  at  the  bottom  of  the 

well : 
Sometimes  yer'll  hev  tu  dig  a  durn  sight  furder  tu 

find  it. — Bronco  Bill. 

We  know  the  worth  of  water  when  the  well  goes 
dry. 

Well-doing.     Whatever  you  do,  do  it  well. 


322  LACONICS 


Whatever  is  worth  doing  at  all  is  worth  doing  well. 

— Chesterfield. 
Well-done.    If  you  want  it  well-done  do  it  yourself. 

Whale.  I  don't  believe  the  whale  swollered  Jonah : 
I  believe  Jonah  swollered  the  whale.  Lots  uf 
people  hev  swollered  the  whale  an'  Jonah  tu. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

When.  Few  men  know  when  to  start  and  when  to 
stop. 

Where.    "Where  have  you  been,  Pat?"     "Oi  dunno 
whar  the  divil  Oi  hev  bin,   fer  Oi   didn't   git 
thar."  * 
Where  you  lost  it  is  the  place  to  find  it. 

Whim.  The  whim  of  youth  may  become  the  habit 
of  age. 

Whisky.  Pluto's  tonic.  Thet  Salt  Lake  whisky, 
Jim,  is  damnashin  distilled  by  the  devil. 

— Bronco  Bill, 

Mike  and  Pat  were  guzzling  whisky  in  "the  wee 
sma'  hours  ayont  the  twal" :  "This  is  ginewine 
auld  Oirish  whusky,"  said  Mike.  "Oi  kin  tell 
betther  in  the  mornin',"  said  Pat.  "Ef  it  do  be 
tastin'  ez  good  comin'  up  ez  it  do  goin'  down,  it 
sure  be  the  rael  ould  Oirish  tay."* 

Inspiring,  bold  John  Barley-corn ! 

What  dangers  thou  cans't  make  us  scorn! 

Wi  tippenny  we  fear  nae  evil : 

Wi  usquabae  we'll  face  the  devil. — Burns. 

Whisper.    I  hear  the  whispers  of  the  Universe. 
So  whispering  courage  to  my  timid  heart. 

— Pauline. 


LACONICS  323 


I  hear  the  low,  hushed  whispers  of  the  dead. 
His  whisper  sounds  like  a  megaphone. 
Don't  let  the  devil  whisper  in  your  ear. 

Whistle.     He  thinks  his  whistle  is  a  bugle-call. 
"Why   did   you   whistle?"   asked   the   teacher.      "I 
didn't  do  it,"  said  Johnnie,  "it  whistled  itself." 

Why.     Wherefore?     Look  out  upon  the  babbling 

world — 

Fools  clamoring  at  the  heels  of  clamorous  fools ! 
I  hungered  for  the  sapless  husks  of  fame. 

— O  Let  Me  Dream  the  Dreams  of  Long  Ago 
The  eternal  Why. 
What  is  the  why, — and  why  is  the  what? 

Wickedness.     Wickedness  breeds  wickedness. 
He  is  wicked  who  is  cruel   to  God's  creatures — 
man  or  beast. 

Widow.     "Bevare  of  the  vider ;"  she  wears  weeds 

for  her  dead  husband  and  sighs  for  a  live  one. 
Yer  cain't  ketch  an  ole  bird  with  chaff. 

— Bronco  Bill 
Thar   ain't   no   dew-drop   kin   dry   quicker   nur   a 

wider's  tears. — Bronco  Bill. 

"Comfort  the  widow  and  the  fatherless,"  aspecially, 
the  wider. — Bronco  Bill. 

Wife.     A  frugal  wife  is  better  than  a  big  income. 

The  woman  that  goes  far  for  a  husband  has  need 
of  a  mantle  of  charity. 

A  termagant  wife  is  like  a  horse-fiddle  in  a  sanc- 
tuary. 

Nine  times  out  of  ten  the  wife  is  what  the  husband 
makes  her. 

A  wife  dutiful  is  a  wife  beautiful. 


324  LACONICS 


The  good  wife  commands  her  husband  by  obeying 
him. 

Men  choose  a  tree  for  its  fruit,  a  wife  for  her 
beauty. 

The  wife  is  the  key  of  the  house. 

The  most  important  thing  in  a  man's  whole  life 
is  the  choice  of  a  wife. 

A  good  wife  avoids  strife. 

Take  a  good  wife  and  keep  her  for  life. 

For  a  wife,  take  the  daughter  of  a  good  mother. 

— Spanish  Proverb. 

Here  lies  my  wife:  here  let  her  lie; 

Now  she's  at  rest,  and  so  am  I. — Dryden,  in  "Sug- 
gested Epitaph." 

Wild.     She's  a  little  wild?  there's  time  a-plenty; 
She'll  be  tame  enough  at  ten  and  twenty. 
Gamins — see  the  animals  run  wild. 
It  is  not  far  back  to  the  time  when  our  forefathers 
were  wild  animals. 

Will.    All  my  prayers  are  one: 
Father,  thy  will  be  done. 
Will  without  reason  is  a  balky  horse. 
He  has  a  forty-horse  will-power  and  no  engineer. 
If  you  will,  you  can. 
Be  there  a  will  and  wisdom  finds  a  way. — Crabbe. 

Willing.    The  willing  mule  balks  at  last. 
Wills.     Execute  your  own  will. 

Win.    Watch  out  and  win  out. 
When  you  begin  go  in  to  win. 
It  is  sometimes  better  to  lose  than  to  win. 
Gamble :    Win  a  penny  and  lose  a  pound. 


LACONICS  325 


It  is  the  sure  foot  that  wins  the  race. 
Swift  and  sure  win  the  lure. 

Wind.     A  drop  of  wisdom  in  a  bag  of  wind. 
He  has  bellows  enough  to  drive  a  wind-mill. 

"God  tempers  the  wind  to  the  shorn  lamb." 

I  tank  not.     I  tank  Gut  he  demper  ze  leetel  sheep 

to  ze  wind." — Ole  Olson. 
A  wind-bag  with  a  tin  horn  in  it. 
See  mangy  curs,  whose  editorial  ears 
Prick  to  all  winds  to  catch  the  popular  breeze 
Slang-whanging  yelp  and  froth  and  snap  and  snarl, 
And  sniff  the  gutters  for  their  daily  food. — Men. 
That  feller's  wind  hez  run  down :  don't  wind  'im  up. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Wine.     Wine  is  a  great  tattler. 

When  wine  goes  in  teetotal  truth  comes  out. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
"I  don't  take  my  wine  in  pills,"  said  a  gentleman 

who  was  offered  grapes  at  the  dinner  table. 
Good  wine  at  night  makes  a  bad  head  in  the  morn- 
ing. 
In  water  you  may  see  your  own  face ;  in  wine  others 

will  see  your  heart. 
"Use  a  little  wine  for  thy  stomach's  sake." — First 

Epistle  to  Timothy. 

Wine  and  wenches  bury  men  in  trenches. — Prov. 
To  shake  a  little  Shakespeare  in  the  wine: 
Some  rise  by  sin  and  some  by  virtue  fall. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk. 
Wine  spills  secrets. 

Wine  wisely  used  is  a  friend ;  to  excess,  an  enemy. 
O  that  men  should  put  an  enemy  in  their  mouths  to 
steal  away  their  brains. — Shakespeare. 


326  LACONICS 


When  wine  is  in  wit  is  out. 

More  men  have  been  drowned  in  the  wine-cup  than 
in  the  sea. 

Wings.    Aye,  is  death  death?  or  but  a  happy  change 
From  night  to  light — on  angel  wings  to  range? 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
All  wings  and  no  feet. 
Buzzards  have  wings. 
He  flew  "on  the  wings  of  the  morning,"  and  lit  in  a 

frog-pond. 

He's  all  wings  and  tail-feathers  and  squawk. 
He  flopped  his  wings  an'  fluttered  his  tail-feathers 

an'  squawked  a  spread-eagle  speech. — Bronco  Bill. 

Winter.    A  summer  friend  is  a  friend  to  feed; 

A  winter  friend  is  a  friend  indeed. 

"Lo  I  blow  my  breath,"  said  Winter, 

"And  the  laughing  brooks  are  silent : 

"Hard  as  flint  becomes  the  waters, 

"And  the  rabbit  runs  upon  them." — The  Sea-Gull. 

Waziya  came  down  from  the  north,  from  the  land 
of  perpetual  winter: 

From  his  frost-covered  beard  issued  forth  the  sharp- 
biting,  shrill-whistling  North-wind; 

At  the  touch  of  his  breath  the  wide  earth  turned  to 
stone  and  the  lakes  and  the  rivers. — Winona. 

It's  a  hard  winter  when  wolf  eats  wolf. 

Wisdom — wise.    Wisdom  and  goodness  go  hand  in 

hand. 

Wisdom  feeds  on  folly. 

Sorrows  are  mile-stones  on  the  road  to  wisdom. 
He  who  discovers  that  he  is  a  fool  has  found  the 
right  road  to  wisdom. 


LACONICS  327 


Confession  of  ignorance  is  the  beginning  of  wisdom. 

Wisdom  grows  on  thorns. 

Man's  chief  wisdom  consists  in  being  sensible  of  his 

follies. — La  Rochefoucauld. 

It  is  easier  to  be  wise  for  others  than  for  ourselves. 

— La  Rochefoucauld. 
Her  ways  are  ways  of  pleasantness,  and  all  her 

paths  are  peace. — Solomon. 

He  hez  a  head  full  uf  wisdom,  an'  a  hat  full  uf  holes. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

One  gathers  the  nuts,  another  cracks  them. 
The  wisdom  of  most  men  comes  too  late. 
He  is  a  wise  man  who  knows  his  own  ignorance. 
A  truly  wise  man  is  a  freak  of  nature. 
The  wise  man  gathers  wisdom  from  all  men, 
As  bees  their  honey  hive  from  plant  and  weed : 
Yea,  from  the  varied  history  of  the  world, 
From  the  experience  of  all  times,  all  men, 
The  wise  man  learneth  wisdom. — Men. 
Wise  men  there  be — wise  in  the  eyes  of  men — 
Who  cram  their  hollow  heads  with  ancient  wit 
Cackled  in  Carthage,  babbled  in  Babylon, 
Gabbled  in  Greece  and  riddled  in  old  Rome, 
And  never  coin  a  farthing  of  their  own. — Men. 
Wise  men  there  be — for  owls  are  counted  wise — 
Who  love  to  leave  the  lamp-lit  paths  behind, 
And  chase  the  shapeless  shadow  of  a  doubt. — Men. 
Folly  sows  broadcast:  wisdom  gathers  in. — Men. 
Alas,  the  more  we  know  the  less  we  know  we  know. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 
For  ages  have  the  learned  of  the  schools 
Furnished  pack-saddles  for  the  backs  of  fools. 

— The  Reign  of  Reason. 


328  LACONICS 


Weak  men  chew  the  cud  of  bitterness,  wise  men 

eschew  it. 
The  mistakes  of  a  wise  man  are  more  instructive 

than  the  wisdom  of  a  fool. 
He  whom  wisdom  guides  walks  safely. 
Wit  and  Wisdom — pepper  and  salt. 
You  can  spin  even  wisdom  too  fine  for  the  masses. 
A  wise  man  sometimes  changes  his  mind,  a  fool 

never. 
No  man  can  be  wise  on  an  empty  stomach. 

— George  Eliot. 
Full  of  wise  saws  and  modern  instances. 

— Shakespeare. 
A  wise  man  begins  at  the  beginning,  a  fool  at  the 

end. 

The  wisest  men  are  sometimes  foolish. 
A  wise  man  never  speaks  unless  he  has  something 

to  say. 

A  wise  man  is  never  ashamed  to  confess  his  ignor- 
ance. 
I  do  not  think  much  of  a  man  who  is  not  wiser  today 

than  he  was  yesterday. — Abraham  Lincoln. 
Be  ye  as  wise  as  serpents,  and  harmless  as  doves. 

— Jesus. 

The  wise  head  bends  like  a  ripe  ear  of  corn. 
A  wise  man  may  learn  much  from  a  fool. 
An  ass  looks  wise  to  an  ass. 
A  wise  man  is  always  a  good  listener. 
He  winks  and  blinks  and  talks  in  tropes. 
The  desire  of  appearing  to  be  wise  often  prevents 

our  becoming  so. — La  Rochefoucauld. 
Zeal  is  good  for  the  wise  and  fatal  to  fools. 
The  wise  seek  the  help  of  the  wise. 


LACONICS  329 


A  week  with  a  wise  man  is  better  than  a  year 

with  a  dunce. — Chinese. 
Knowledge  comes,  but  wisdom  lingers. — Tennyson. 

Wishes.  The  wish  of  to-day  is  the  spur  of  to- 
morrow. 

Wishes  won't  make  pertaters  grow  onless  yer  plant 
'em  an'  hoe  'em. — Bronco  Bill. 

She  sits  and  wishes  and  wishes  and  sets — on  stale 
eggs. 

A  wish  will  never  catch  a  fish. 

If  wishes  were  butter-cakes,  beggars  might  eat. — Pr. 

Wishes  never  fill  the  barley-bags. 

What  the  ignorant  wish,  they  believe. 

Wit.    Let  not  malice  sharpen  thy  wit. 
His  tongue  runs  away  with  his  wit. 
Wit  is  the  wine  of  life. 

Wit  without  wisdom  is  a  dangerous  weapon. 
All  wit  and  no  wisdom  is  sauce  without  meat. 
Wit  is  a  keen  weapon  in  the  hands  of  a  wit,  and  a 

boomerang  in  the  hands  of  a  dullard. 
Wit  and  wisdom  are  sword  and  shield. 
Wit  without  wisdom  is  lime  without  sand. 
He  wuz  allus  peddlin'  ether  men's  wit. — Bronco  Bill. 
When  a  wit  sits  at  the  dinner  table  the  sauce  peppers 

the  meat. 

Mix  a  little  salt  with  your  pepper. 
Put  sugar  in  your  vinegar. 
Wit  and  wisdom  combined  make  a  strong  man. 
As  in  smoothe  oil  the  razor  best  is  whet, 
So  wit  is  by  politeness  sharpest  set : 
Their  want  of  edge  from  their  offense  is  seen ; 
Both  pain  us  less  when  exquisitely  keen. — Young. 


330  LACONICS 


A  wit  with  dunces,  and  a  dunce  with  wits. — Pope. 
Plagued  with  an  itching  leprosy  of  wit. 

— Ben  Jonson. 

When  wine  goes  in  wit  comes  out. 
Better  fore-wit  than  after-wit. 
A  joke  without  wit  is  a  joke  on  the  joker. 

Wits.     I  cain't  help  yer,  Jo;  yer'll  hev  tu  sharpen 
yer  wits  on  yer  own  grind-stone. — Bronco  Bill. 

Wolf.     Grown  fat  and  arrogant  on  power  and  pelf, 
The  old  time  shepherd  has  become  a  wolf, 
And  only  feeds  his  flock  to  feast  himself. 

— The  Devil  and  the  Monk 
When  you  hear  a  wolf  let  the  dogs  loose. 
I  had  rather  eat  a  wolf  than  have  a  wolf  eat  me. 
It's  a  hard  winter  when  wolf  eats  wolf. 
Where  the  wolf  gets  one  lamb  he  looks  for  another. 
The  wolf  cries — Wolf  ! 
He  has  a  wolf  by  the  ears. — After  Terence 

Woman.  I  like  a  she-woman  and  a  he-man. 
The  strength  of  a  woman  is  in  her  weakness. 
Beauty  intoxicates  a  woman  and  makes  a  fool  of  a 

man. 
Man  cannot  dispense  with  woman :  he  couldn't  be 

born  without  her. 

"When  lovely  woman  stoops  to  folly" 
She'll  put  both  feet  in  willy-nolly. 
Woman  is  the  weaker  vessel,  but  she  often  breaks 

her  husband. 

The  society  of  ladies  is  the  school  of  good  manners. 
A  woman  may  lose  her  diamonds  a  dozen  times,  her 

honor  but  once. 
Woman  in  public  is  an  actress  on  the  stage;  study 

her  behind  the  curtain. 


LACONICS  331 


There  is  no  devil  like  a  she-devil. 

A  prudent  woman  is,  betimes,  deaf,  dumb  and  blind 

The  tenderness  of  a  faithful  woman  is  a  refuge:  it 

is  the  port  after  a  storm,  the  rainbow  after  a 

tempest. — Napoleon. 
Women  are  always  much  better,  or  much  worse 

than  men. — Napoleon. 
Purity  of  mind  and  conduct  is  the  first  glory  of  a 

woman. — Mme  de  Stael. 
A  virago's  mouth  is  full  of  I's  and  My's. 
What  a  strange  thing  is  man !  and  what  a  stranger 

is  woman ! — Byron. 
Her  voice  was  ever  soft, 
Gentle,  and  low,  an  excellent  thing  in  woman. 

— Shakespeare. 

O  woman,  in  our  hours  of  ease, 
Uncertain,  coy,  and  hard  to  please, 

And  variable  as  the  shade 

By  the  light  quivering  aspen  made; 
When  pain  and  anguish  wring  the  brow, 
A  ministering  angel  thou ! 

— Sir  Walter  Scott.    (Marmion.) 
She  is  a  woman,  therefore  may  be  wooed ; 
She  is  a  woman,  therefore  may  be  won. 

— Shakespeare. 
Man's  best  possession  is  a  sympathetic  wife. 

— Euripedes. 

Men  make  houses,  women  make  homes. 
Woman  brings  to  man  his  greatest  blessing  and  his 

greatest  plague. — Euripedes. 
Petticoat-patriots,  sans  bas  and  sans  culottes, 
Rampant  in  rags  and  hunger-toothed,  uproar 
Paris  the  proud. — Men. 
A  shrewd  judge  of  men  is  easily  duped  by  a  woman. 


332  LACONICS 


There  is  nobody  so  intolerable  as  a  woman  promoted 
by  sudden  wealth  from  a  wash-tub  to  a  drawing- 
room. 

A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 

Honor  the  woman  who  mends  her  husband's  stock- 
ings. 

Better  live  with  a  yawling  cat  than  a  brawling 
woman. 

A  woman's  weapons  is  her  tears. 

Woman  take  pride  in  what  is  on  them  rather  than 
what  is  in  them. 

Don't  marry  a  woman  without  faults. 

I  have  a  poor  opinion  of  a  man  who  does  not  ad- 
mire a  fine  horse  or  a  handsome  woman. 

— General  U.  S.  Grant. 

She's  one  uf  them  "new  women"  thet  war  slit 
skirts  an'  muskeeter-bar  underwar;  she's  a  "Pro- 
gressive," an'  she'll  soon  war  muskeeter-bar  pants, 
'thout  no  under-war. — Bronco  Bill. 

Then  gently  scan  your  brother  man, 
Still   gentler   sister   woman; 

Though  they  may  gang  a  kennin  wrang, 
To  step  aside  is  human. — Burns. 

There  is  a  tide  in  the  affairs  of  woman 

Which,  taken  at  the  flood,  leads — God  knows 
where ! — Byron. 

A  woman  who  likes  to  be  at  the  front  window  is 
like  a  bunch  of  grapes  on  the  highway. 

For  men  at  most  differ  as  Heaven  and  Earth; 

But  women,  worst  and  best,  as  Heaven  and  Hell. 

— Tennyson. 

For  half  so  boldely  can  ther  no  man 

Sweren  and  lien  as  a  woman  can. — Chaucer. 

The  woman  that  deliberates  is  lost. — Addison. 


LACONICS  333 


A  woman's  head  is  in  her  heart. 
Fraility,  thy  name  is  woman ! — Shakespeare. 
He  is  a  fool  who  thinks  by  force  or  skill 
To  turn  the  current  of  a  woman's  will. 

— Samuel  Tuke 

The  earthly  Paradise  and  Hell  lie  in  the  word 
"Woman." — Seume. 

Woman  suffrage.  His  wife  hez  gone  intu  polly- 
tics,  an'  he  hez  tu  swing  the  dish-rag  an'  tend 
the  butt-end  uf  the  baby. — Bronco  Bill. 

"Did  the  women  turn  out  and  vote  in  your  pre- 
cinct, Pat?"  "Ivery  mon  av  'em,"  said  Pat.* 

Let  men  put  on  petticoats;  fer  women,  the  witches, 

Hev  taken  tu  pollytics  an'  put  on  the  breeches. 

— Bronco  Bill. 

Political  Caucus :  Mr.  Secretary :  Kutty-kutty- 
kadazv-cut! 

Mrs.  Chairman:  Cock-a-doodle-do! — cock-a-doodle- 
doo! 

Thar  goes  tew  candidates  fer  president — the  she-he 
Sweet  William  an'  the  Widy  Wilson. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
Wonder.    The  head  of  Ignorance  is  full  of  wonder. 

A  wonder  explained  ceases  to  be  a  wonder. 

When   it  thunders   ignorance   wonders. 

It's  a  wonder  whar  all  them  cullege-bred  fellers 
thet  air  beggin'  beans  an'  sleepin'  in  hay-stacks 
cum  frum. — Bronco  Bill. 

He  hez  a  head  ful  uf  wonders  an'  blunders.  He's 
a  wonder-buss — allus  wonderin'  what's  on  the 
ether  side  uf  the  moon. — Bronco  Bill. 

Wool.    He  pulls  the  wool  over  his  own  eyes. 


334  LACONICS 


"All  Wool" :  it  uster  grow  on  sheep,  but  most  uf 
it   grows   on   cotton-bresh   now-a-days. 

— Bronco  Bill. 
He  went  out  for  wool  and  came  back  sheared. 

Words.    The  wise  weigh  words ;  fools  measure  them 

by  the  yard. 

Words  are  flowers,  deeds  are  fruit. 
Fair  words  are  pap  for  fools. 
"I  am  a  mon  of  few  words,"  said  Mike. 
"Thrue,  indade,"  said  Pat,  "but  ye  spake  'em  te 

iverybody."* 
Bind  an  honest  man  with  his  word,  a  knave  with  a 

log-chain. 

Weigh  thy  words :  thy  words  will  weigh  thee. 
Big  words,  little  deeds. 
Deeds  are  more  eloquent  than  words. 
Words  are  clumsy  wings  for  burning  thoughts. 
But  words  are  things,  and  a  small  drop  of  ink, 
Falling  like  dew,  upon  a  thought,  produces 
That    which    makes    thousands,    perhaps    millions, 

think. — Byron. 

Word  o'  mouth  is  slippery;  let  it  be  writ. 
Fair  words  feed  you  with  an  empty  spoon. 
Soft  words  are  hard  arguments. 
For  words,  like  nature,  half  reveal 
And  half  conceal  the  soul  within. — Tennyson. 
"Kind  words  and  few  are  woman's  ornaments." 
A  moment's  thinking  is  an  hour  of  words. 

— Thomas   Hood. 

Work.     Work  hard  and  think  harder. 
Workmen  are  plenty,  but  the  masters  few. 
Genius  is  patience,  labor  and  good  sense. 
Steel  and  the  mind  grow  bright  by  frequent  use; 


LACONICS  335 


In  rest  they  rust.     A  goodly  recompense 
Comes  from  hard  toil,  but  not  from  its  abuse. 

— Poetry. 

Time  and  patience  change  the  mulberry-leaf 
To  shining  silk;  the  lapidary's  skill 
Makes  the  rough  diamond  sparkle  at  his  will 
And  cuts  a  gem  from  quartz  or  coral-reef. 

— Poetry. 
Work   wins. 

Work  makes  the  workman. 
Good  work  requires  good  tools. 
Chase  your  work:  don't  let  your  work  chase  you. 
You  can't  afford  to  work  for  nothing  and  board 

yourself. 
Trust  in  Providence,  but  push  the  work. 

Work  and  wait ; 
Ne'er  despair  and  ne'er  abate; 
Work  will  triumph  soon  or  late; 

Work  and  wait. 

There  is  always  plenty  of  work  to  be  done;  the 
difficulty  is  to  find  willing  men  fit  for  the  work 
Everyone  is  the  son  of  his  own  works. 

— Cervantes. 
Work  is  as  necessary  as  eating  and  sleeping. 

— Baron  von  Humboldt. 
Work  is  the  true  source  of  human  welfare. 

— Tolstoi. 

There  is  no  work  so  tiresome  as  doing  nothing. 
Work  strengthens,  worry  kills. 
The  sure  cure  for  most  ills  is  work. 
Our  work  is  never  done  till  we  are  done. 
It  is  the  duty  of  society  to  furnish  work  for  the 
willing  and  needy. 


336  LACONICS 


World.    The  beginning  of  the  world  was  the  union 

of  two  atoms  of  cosmic  dust. 
The  world  is  entering  the  twilight  of  dawn. 
We  must  take  the  world  as  we  find  it,  and  improve 

it  if  we  can. 
The   world    is   a   comedy   to   those   who   think,    a 

tragedy  to  those  who  feel. — Horace  Walpole. 
Let's    make    the    most    uf    this    world;    no    flyin'- 

machine  so  far  kin  take  us  tu  anether. 

— Bronco  Bill, 
Well — well,  the  world  must  turn  upon  its  axis, 

And  all  mankind  turn  with  it,  heads  or  tails, 
And  live  and  die,  make  love,  and  pay  our  taxes, 

And  as  the  veering  wind  shifts,  shift  our  sails. 

— Byron. 

The  world  is  a  combination  of  contraries. 
The  man  who  said,  "One-half  the  world  does  not 

know  how  the  other  half  lives,"  didn't  live  in  a 

country  village. 
Yer  cain't  reform  the  world  in  ten  minits  ef  yer 

preach  a  week. — Bronco  Bill. 
We  view  the  world  through  colored  glasses. 
The  world  is  like  a  mirror;  smile  and  it  smiles, 

frown  and  it  frowns. 

If  we  despise  the  world,  the  world  will  despise  us. 
Let  the  world  wag:  it  will  wag  anyway. 

Worm.     The  reef  that  wrecked  the  battleship  was 

the  work  of  little  worms. 
The  worm  that  crawls  from  out  the  sun-touched 

sand, 

What  knows  he  of  the  huge,  round,  rolling  Earth? 
Yet  more  than  thou,  of  all  the  vast  Beyond. 

— Beyond. 


LACONICS  337 


He  diets  on  "the  Diet  of  Worms." 
Worry.    Work  strengthens,  worry  kills. 

Worse.     No  man  is  the    worse    for    knowing    the 

worst. 

"It  might  a-been  worse,"  said  the  widow  when  her 
husband  was  hanged. 

Worship.     He   who   worships   himself   worships   a 

wooden  calf. 

Most  men  worship  the  Golden  Calf. 
Man    always    worships    something. — Carlyle. 
He  boasts  that  he  is  a  self-made  man :  everybody 
can  see  that  he  worships  his  maker. 

Wound.    He  jests  at  scars  that  never  felt  a  wound. 

— Shakespeare. 
What  deep  wounds  ever  closed  without  a  scar? 

— Byron. 
Willing  to  wound,  and  yet  afraid  to  strike. — Pope. 

Wrangler.    Wranglers  are  never  in  want  of  words. 

He'd  wrangle  over  the  color  uf  the  har  on  the  back 

uf  the  whale  thet  Jonah  swollered. — Bronco  Bill. 

Wretched.     The  way  to   make  yourself  wretched 
is  to  fancy  that  you  are  wretched. 

Write — writing.    I  had  rather  write  one  word  upon 

the  Rock 

Of  Ages  than  ten  thousand  in  the  sand. — Poetry. 
Dip  thy  pen  in  thine  heart's  blood,  and  write. 
Say  little,  write  less. 

It  gin  'im  the   "blues"  an'  he   tackled   the  Muse, 
An'  he  tuk  a  pen  an'  writ. — Bronco  Bill. 
The  world  has  nothing  like  a  she  epistle. — Byron. 


338  LACONICS 


There  is  sweeter  poetry  in  the  hearts  of  men 
Than  ever  poet  wrote  or  minstrel  sung. — Poetry. 
The  only  word  written  by  Jesus 
Was  Charity — writ  in  the  sand. — Charity. 
Don't  sign  any  writing  till  you  have  read  it. 

Wrong.  When  we  are  on  the  wrong  road  the  fur- 
ther we  go  the  further  we  fall  behind. 

He  who  wrongs  you  will  never  forgive  you  for  it. 

If  you  wrong  another  you  wrong  yourself. 

There  never  yet  was  human  power 

Which  could  evade,  if  unforgiven, 

The  patient  search  and  vigil  long 

Of  him  who  treasures  up  a  wrong. — Byron. 

Let  there  be  no  room  in  thy  heart  for  the  memory 
of  a  wrong. 

There  is  often  a  wrong  way  to  do  right,  but  never 
a  right  way  to  do  wrong. 

A  wrong  never  rights  a  wrong. 


Year.    The  years  of  God  are  one. 

Yesterday.     The  eternal  Yesterday  is  yours;  study 
it. 

Young.     Be  old  when  you  are  young,  and  you  will 

be  young  when  you  are  old. 
Kill  the  weeds  when  the  weeds  are  young. 
Man  is  young:  the  Earth  is  old. 
An  old  head  and  a  young  heart. 

Your  own.    There  is  no  fruit  so  sweet  as  that  from 
your  own  planting. 


LACONICS  339 


If  you  don't  blow  your  own  horn  nobody  will  blow 

it  for  you. 
Better  baked  beans  in  your  own  house  than  roast 

turkey  in  another's. 
Plant  your  own  field  first. 

Yourself.    Fear  no  man  but  yourself. 

Trust  yourself  first. 

Be  loyal  to  yourself  and  charitable  to  your  neigh- 
bor.— Confucius,  (Kung,  the  philosopher.) 

Never  ask  your  friends  to  do  for  you  what  you 
can  do  for  yourself. 

All  great  men  have  defects;  you  have  a  few  your- 
self. 

Self-deception  is  a  pit-fall  dug  by  yourself. 

If  you  would  amend  men,  begin  with  yourself. 

Trust  yourself  and  others  will  trust  you. 

If  you  want  your  secret  kept,  keep  it  yourself. 

If  you  want  it  well  done,  do  it  yourself. 

Don't  send  a  boy  to  mill:  if  you  want  your  grist 
ground  go  yourself 

Say  nothing  good  of  yourself :  you  will  be  dis- 
trusted; say  nothing  bad  of  yourself:  you  will 
be  taken  at  your  word. — Father  Roux. 

If  thou  be  wise  thou  shalt  be  wise  for  thyself. 

— Solomon. 

He  is  not  wise  who  is  not  wise  for  himself. 

— After  Franklin. 

Youth.    Mold  the  clay  of  youth  while  it  is  moist. 
Youth  is  full  of  blunders  that  old  age  regrets. 
There  is  no  cure  for  the  follies  of  youth  but  age. 
Youth  is  a  seed-field ;  beware  what  you  sow  in  it. 
Youth  is  continual  intoxication. 

— La  Rochefoucauld. 


340  LACONICS 


Youth  is  a  blunder ;  manhood  a  struggle ;  old  age  a 
regret. — Benjamin  Disraeli. 

Yuma.     Wus  an'  wus ! — outer  the   fryin'-pan  intu 

Yuma. — Bronco  Bill. 

A  soldier  died  in  camp  at  Yuma,  and  went  to  Hell : 
in  less  than  a  week  he  sent  back  for  his  blankets. 

— Phil  Sheridan. 

A  "tenderfoot"  set  a  hen  outer  doors  in  Yuma :  next 
mornin'  he  hed  briled  hen  an'  roast  aigs  fer  break- 
fust. — Bronco  Bill. 


Zeal.    Zeal  is  good  for  the  wise  and  fatal  to  fools. 
Zeal  is  a  fire  that  needs  watching. 
Zeal  without  discretion  is  a  braying  ass. 
Zeal  without  knowledge   runs  into   ditches  in   the 

dark. 
Zeal  without  knowledge  is  a  "kid"  out  of  college. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  341 

Jim  Hill 
BY  BRONCO  BILL 

Jim  Hill— Jim  Hill,  yer  full  uf  skill, 
Hard  work,  an'  pluck,  an'  luck,  Jim ; 

I  niver  know'd  yer  duin'  ill; 
I  niver  know'd  yer  struck,  Jim. 

Yer  allus  won  sence  yer  begun, 

And  I  know  yer'll  win  agin,  Jim ; 
The  web  yer  spun,  the  good  yer  done, 

Makes  this  fight  on  yer  a  sin,  Jim. 

Ef  they'll  jist  let  Jim  Hill  alone, 

An'  let  him  work  his  plan,  sar, 
He'll  make  the  people's  good  his  own, 

An'  ship  ther  stuff  an'  sell  enuff 
Tu  China  and  Japan,  sar. 

He'll  herrin'-bone  the  West  with  steel, 

An'  speck  the  seas  with  ships,  sar; 
An'  work  with  zeal  the  nation's  weal  : 

When  he's  the  pilot  at  the  wheel 
Thar's  nuthin'  never  slips,  sar. 

We  want  world-markets  fer  our  wares, 

And  Jim's  the  man  tu  find  'em; 
He'll  reach  'em  with  his  ships  an'  kears, 

While  them  "cy's"  ki-yi  behind  'im. 

In  politics  thar's  lots  uf  tricks, 

An'  sum  air  cussed  mean,  Jim, 
But  the  rant  an'  cant  uf  br'er  Van  Sant 

'S  the  meanest  trick  I've  seen,  Jim. 


342  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Wai,  niver  mind ;  the  kids  '11  find 
Thet  yer  air  still  Jim  Hill,  sar ; 

An'  br'er  "Van  Can't"  may  rant  an'  pant, 
But  he'll  git  an  agy-chill,  sar. 

An'   Gunnel  Ted  '11  find  his  head 

Agin  a  granite  wall,  sar: 
While  brether  Knox  is  changin'  socks, 

Jim  Hill  he'll  scoop  'em  all,  sar. 

Ye  Farmers,  hev  yer  ketched  the  cant? 

Can't  yer  see  beyond  yer  noses  ? 
Du  yer  think  Van  Rant  is  bigger'n  Grant, 

Er  Teddy  is  a  Moses  ? 

Thet  brether  Knox,  he  deals  in  stocks — 
A  slick,  sam-singin'  sharp,  sar; 

But  Deacon,  air  yer  orthodox 
A-harpin'  on  thet  harp,  sar? 

Now  mind  yer  socks,  dear  brether  Knox, 
An'  mind  the  bogs  an'  ditches ; 

Yer  chasin',  Knox,  a  "Canuck"  fox, 
An'  yer'll  on'y  wet  yer  briches. 

Yer  remember,  Ted,  the  fun  we  hed 
When  yer  humped  an'  hustled  hard, 

But  cudn't  hold  thet  porker?— 
Fer  the  pig  wuz  greased  with  lard. 

I  hit  yer  kinder  light,  Ted, 

Fer  we  rid  the  range  tergether, 

An'  on  thet  San  Juan  fight,  Ted, 
We  bragged  fer  oneanether. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  343 


Jim  Hill— Jim  Hill,  yer  full  uf  skill, 
Hard  work,  an'  pluck,  an'  luck,  Jim ; 

I  niver  know'd  yer  duin'  ill, 
Er  quackin'  like  a  duck,  Jim. 

Jim  Hill— Jim  Hill,  yer  fill  the  bill ; 

Thar  ain't  no  can't  about  yer ; 
Yer  jist  durn  stubborn,  plain  Jim  Hill, 

An'  the  West  cain't  du  without  yer. 

I  knowed  yer  ez  a  little  cuss, 

Bar-foot  in  Montreal,  Jim, 
An'  when  yer  sawed  the  wood  fer  us — 

Yer  fust  winter  in  St.  Paul,  Jim. 

I've  know'd  yer  more  ner  fifty  year, 
An'  I  niver  know'd  yer  shirk,  Jim ; 

An'  I've  knowed  yer  ez  a  pioneer 
In  many  a  honest  work,  Jim. 

Yer  done  more  good  fer  our  Northwest 
Ner  a  million  sich  ez  Van,  Jim ; 

Yer  allus  done  yer  "level  best," 
An'  we'll  back  yer  tu  a  man,  Jim. 

Yer've  laid  a  plan  thet  reaches  out 

An'  kivers  the  western  oceans ; 
Yer  head  is  clar,  yer  heart  is  stout, 

An'  yer'll  win,  brave  Jim,  beyond  a  doubt, 
While  them  Van  Rants  they  snarl,  an'  shout 

Ther  tew-penny  peanut  notions. 

An'  dur  ther  eyes ! — they  know  they  lies 
When  they  call  Jim  Hill  a  robber: 

Wai,  Jim  he'll  niver  mind  them  flies, 
But  he'll  corner  thet  stock-jobber. 


344  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


He'll  show  Van  Rant  jist  how  he  can't ; 

He'll  play  the  geese  a  fox,  sar, 
An'  knock  the  socks  off  brether  Knox ; 

So  let  'em  prey  an'  pant,  sar. 

Ho ! — har's  tu  Jim !  when  they  tackles  him, 
They'll  find  they've  struck  a  "stayer" : 

An'  fill  yer  glasses  tu  the  brim, 
Fer  Jim's  a  honest  player. 

Ye  Pioneers  ! — give  Jim  yer  cheers ; 

We  know  'im — an'  they  will,  boys ; 
The  man  thet  niver  flunks,  er  fears, 

Er  falters — thet's  Jim  Hill,  boys. 

May  18,  1903. 

Gunnel  Teddy 
(In  Four  Canters.) 

CANTER  I. 

When  Teddy  war  a  cow-boy,  Bob, 

Out  thar  beyond  Mandan, 
He  tried  tu  break  a  bronco,  Bob, 

An'  his  "strenerous  life"  began. 

Thet  bronco  bucked,  but  Teddy  stuck 

Ontil  the  cinch  it  bust, 
An'  Teddy,  'spiter  pluck  an'  luck, 

Struck  a-straddle  in  the  dust. 

Our  Teddy  went  tu  Washin'-town 

Tu  build  our  navy  up, 
An'  he  tuck  along  his  bronco 

An'  a  half-breed  bull-dorg  pup. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  345 


The  Maine  she  bust  her  biler,  Bob, 
An'  the  Yankee  nation  swore 

The  deed  war  done  by  Weyler,  Bob, 
An'  they'd  pay  in  Spanish  gore. 

Then  Teddy  riz  a  rigiment 

Uf  broncos  an'  cow-boys, 
An'  we  went  tu  Cuber  yellin', 

An'  we  did — a  lot  uf  noise. 

Doctor  Wood  he  war  the  Gunnel,  Bob, 

But  Teddy  wuz  the  boss : 
Our  Ted  he  rid  his  bronco,  Bob, 

An'  Wood — she — he — rid  a  hoss 

Thet  niver  felt  a  currycomb 

An'  niver  smelt  uf  oats; 
An'  he  rid  on  a  side-saddle,  Bob, 

In  pantalets  an'  petticoats. 

We  fit  an'  fit  like  Injuns 

At  the  battle  uf  San  Juan  ;* 
"Give  'em  hell !"  cried  gallant  Teddy — 
When  them  Spanish  kids  hed  run. 

Gunnel's  staff  uf  press-reporters 
Split  the  ar  with  whoop  an'  cheer : 

Yer  bet  yer  they  war  snorters ! 
Way  back  behind  Head-quarters, 

With  tew  bar-rels  uf  Schlitz  beer, 

They  fit  thet  bloody  battle  in  the  rear. 

Teddy  shot  five  hunderd  Spaniards 
With  his  double-barrel  gun, 

An'  he  wud  a-killed  the  rest  uf  'em, 
Ef  they  hedn't  flunked  an'  run. 

•Pronounced   San  Waun. 


346  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Fer  when  the  Spanish  nation 

Seed  our  Teddy  pull  the  bit 
On  his  bronco,  an'  us  cow-boys, 

They  hed  an  agy-fit; 

An'  they  cried  fer  peace  tu  onct,  they  did, 

An'  histed  the  white  rag, 
Fer  they  cudn't  stan'  us  cow-boys — 

An'  the  bluster  an'  the  brag. 

Then  we  yelled  fer  Gunnel  Teddy, 

On  thet  hill  uf  palms  an'  pines : 
He  cudn't  break  a  bronco, 

But  he  skeared  the  Spanish  lines. 

Then  our  Yankee  nation  hollered 
Till  ther  wind  war  split  an'  gone : 

"Hurray! — Hurray  fer  Teddy! — 
The  hero  uf  San  Juan !" 

An'  now  our  gallant  Teddy, 

By  the  grim  decree  uf  fate, 
Hez  becum  our  glorious   President, 

An'  runs  the  ship  uf  state. 

Right  agin  the  Trusts  an'  Mergers,  Bob. 

He'll  run  the  ship  er  bust; 
(But  he's  kinder  sweet  an'  tender,  Bob, 

On  the  pore  ole  Sugar  Trust.  )f 

Wai,  he's  a  bustin'  Buster,  Bob, 

An'  yer  can  bet  yer  "sack," 
On  his  bronco  with  his  bull-dorg, 

He's  hot  upon  ther  track. 

fSee  treaty  with  Cuba,  cutting  the  tariff  on  sugar  to  the  good 
for  the  Sugar  Trust,  and  to  the  bad  for  our  growing  beet-sugar 
industry. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  347 


Teddy'll  lasso  J.  Pierp.  Morgan 
An'  them  coal-bulls  on  the  jump, 

An'  he'll  round  'em  up  in  his  corral, 
An'  brand  'em  on  the  rump. 

Gunnel  Teddy,  now  git  steady; 

Don't  yet  mount  the  Labor  Trust, 
Ef  yer  du,  like  thet  old  bronco, 

It'll  dump  yer  in  the  dust. 

An',  dear  Gunnel,  don't  fergit  it, 
An'  don't  yer  take  the  chance — 

Carry  worter  on  both  shoulders 
An'  yer  bound  tu  wet  yer  pants. 

Circus-ridin'  ain't  no  picnic, 
Leastwise  double-ridin'  ain't, 

With  one  foot  on  the  devil 
An'  the  ether  on  a  saint. 

Yer  remember  Billy  Bryan — 
Loudest  tooter  I  hev  seen — 

Tried  tu  ride  a  moole  an'  mustang, 
An' — thar  fell  an  ass  between. 


CANTER  II. 

Bold  Teddy  leads  a  strenerous  life 

In  peace  er  bloody  war, 
So  he  trailed  tu  Colorado 

Fer  tu  hunt  the  grizzly  bar. 

An'  Teddy  struck  a  grizzly,  Bob, 

An'  the  grizzly  war  a  she, 
An'  the  grizzly  went  fer  Teddy,  Bob, 

An'  Ted — bobbed  up  a  tree. 


348  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Then  said  the  bar  tu  Teddy  thar — 

"What  yer  here  f er  ? — Cain't  yer  answer  ?" 

An'  Teddy  thar  said  tu  the  bar — 
"111  be— doodled  ef  I  can,  sir." 

Then  he  hollered  fer  his  pardner 

Till  he  war  out  uf  wind ; 
An'  he  wud  a-shot  thet  grizzly, 

But  he'd  drapped  his  gun  behind. 

Fer  the  "well-bein' "  uf  our  kentry, 
An'  the  nations  nigh  an'  far,  . 

His  pard'  run  tu  his  rescur, 
An'  he  shot  thet  pesky  bar. 

But  Teddy  he's  a  Nimrod, 

Full  uf  blood  an'  brawn  an'  pluck, 

An'  he  packed  away  tu  Arkansaw 
Tu  change  his  hunter-luck. 

An'  he  strid  his  Mandan  bronco 

Thro'  the  bresh  an'  thro'  the  brakes. 

A-huntin'  fer  a  black  bar 

'Mong  the  'possums  an'  the  snakes. 

He  lied  a  "bully"  companie 

Uf  hounds  an'  hunters,  tu, 
An'  they  hunted,  an'  they  hunted, 

But  the  bar  war  shy  an'  few. 

Fer  the  brutes  hed  hard  uf  Teddy — 

The  hero  uf  San  Juan — 
An'  afore  the  Gunnel  got  thar 

They  turned  ther  tails  an'  run. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  349 


The  guides  they  shot  a  bar  er  tew, 

Tu  fill  ther  dinner-pot, 
But  Teddy  cudn't  find  no  bar, 

Leastwise  tu  git  a  shot. 

Then  Teddy  cussed,  an'  Teddy  swore 

A  oath  thet  split  the  ar, 
Thet  he'd  nar  go  back  tu  Washin'-town, 

Onless  he  shot  a  bar. 

Then  the  boys  got  on  the  hustle,  Bob, 
Fer  they  feared  our  kentry's  ruin, 

An'  they  sicked  the  hounds  a-huntin',  Bob, 
Thro'  the  canebrake  fer  a  bruin. 

At  last  they  c'ralled  a  yarlin'  cub ; 

They  tied  'im  head  an'  tail; 
Then  they  sent  the  word  tu  Teddy 

They  hed  struck  a  red-hot  trail. 

Bold  Teddy  grabbed  thet  sojer  gun 

He  packed  all  thro'  the  war, 
An'  cum  a-humpin'  thro'  the  brakes, 

An' — a-woopin' — shot  the  bar. 

An'  fust  yer  know  our  Ted  he'll  go 

Tu  China  an'  peek  in,  Bob, 
An'  then  hop  on  tu  ole  Japan, 

An'  take  'em  both  sleek  in,  Bob. 

CANTER  III. 

Teddy's  a-comin'  tu  see  the  Angels,* 
An'  he  soon  will  heave  in  view, 

An'  he'll  bust  thet  durn  ole  street-car  trust, 
An'  give  'em  taffy,  tu. 

•Citizens  of  Los  Angeles. 


350  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Hurrah!  Hurrah  fer  Teddy! 

Raise  the  peons  !f    Hip  !    Hurrah  ! 
He  shot  five  hunderd  Spaniards, 

An' — a  bar  in  Arkansavv  ! 

Teddy's  kinder  stuck  on  young-uns, 

An'  he  says  our  pressin'  need 
Is  tu  coax  our  Yankee  women 

Tu  git  down  tu  biz  an'  breed. 

It's  a  good  ole  Holland  fashion, 
An' — like  good  ole  Holland  gin — 

Which  onct  yer  git  the  taste  uf  it, 
Yer  wanter  taste  agin. 

"Race-suicide,"  says  Teddy, 

An'  it  makes  his  busum  bleed ; 
We'll  soon  be  Paree  poodles 

Ef  we  don't  brace  up  an'  breed. 

CANTER  IV. 

Teddy  cum  tu  see  the  Angels, 
An'  he's  done  an'  gone  again,  Bob, 

An'  the  on'y  thing  he  busted 

War  a  basket  uf  champagne,  Bob. 

He  don't  look  pat  in  thet  silk  hat, 

With  sich  a  Injun  skin,  Bob; 
His  face  war  red,  ez  ef  he  fed 

On  kraut  an'  Holland  gin,  Bob. 

An'  durn  my  eyes !    I  hope  they  lies — 
But  I  grabbed  his  paw  up  thar,  Bob, 

An'  ain't  it  hard?  fer  our  ole  pard', 
Hed  on  kid  gloves,  I  swar,  Bob. 

fNot  paeans,    but   peons,    Mexican   laborers.      There  are   hun- 
dreds  in  Los  Angeles. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  351 


Jist  think  uf  that ! — a  stove-pipe  hat 
Ez  slick  ez  greased  with  lard,  Bob ; 

Kid  gloves,  silk  tie,  an'  sich  ez  that 
Stuck  ontu  our  ole  pard',  Bob ! 

All  the  mothers  brung  ther  babies, 
(The  ole  maids  they  tried  tu  hiss  'em) 

An'  sum  brung  tew,  an'  sum  brung  ten, 
An'  Teddy  hed  tu  kiss  'em. 

One  cullud  lady  brung  her  kid, 
An',  a-smilin',  Ted  he  took  'er, 

An'  patted  her  wool  head,  he  did, 
An'  said  she  looked  like  Booker. 

An'  he  said,  "Har's  one  rael  rosy-bud; 

Ef  Book  war  har  tu  pack  'er, 
I'd  take  'em  out  tu  lunch,  I  wud," 

An'  he  gin  the  kid — a  cracker. 

Teddy  blowed  about  our  Navy 
An'  our  great  spread-eagle  Nation, 

An'  he  talked  about  the  Big  Canaul, 
An'  loud  on  Irrigation. 

Them  "Terrors,"  they  war  thusty, 

An'  they  didn't  look  elate, 
An'  afore  he'd  ra'ly  rounded  up 

They  sneaked  uff — tu  irrigate. 

"Teddy's  Terrors"  whooped  an'  hollered 
Most  the  time  our  Ted  war  here, 

But  the  on'y  thing  they  swollered 
Wuz  a  schnitt  er  tew  uf  beer. 


352  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


They  shooted  with  ther  shooters 
All  the  way  frum  San  Berdoo,* 

An'  they  tooted  on  ther  tooters, 
An'  they  groaned  a  song  er  tew, 

Frum  the  curb  they  seen  the  banket 

An'  they  gin  a  hungry  yell, 
Then  they  licked  ther  chops  an'  hankered, 

But  they  niver  got  a  smell. 

They  didn't  git  no  dinner, 

But  they  hard  the  bottles  pop, 
An'  they  seen  the  wine  a-fizzin', 

But  they  cudn't  ketch  a  drop. 

An'  they  felt  so  kinder  weary, 
When  the  grub  war  done  an'  gone, 

Thet  they  cudn't  sing  ther  Adios* 
Tu  our  hero  uf  San  Juan. 

But  yer  bet  yer  bottom  dollar,  boys, 

That  Teddy  he  will  win, 
Fer  we'll  all  git  up  an'  holler,  boys, 

An'  we'll  whoop  'im  in  agin. 

Billy  Bryan,  he's  a-tryin', 

An'  a-kickin'  hard  agin  it, 
An'  a-yawpin'  an'  a-cryin', 

But  Billy  isn't  in  it. 

He  hez  blowed  his  silver  bugle, 

Till  the  toot  is  old  an'  worn, 
An'  the  people  allus  hanker 

Fer  a  new  toot  on  the  horn. 

*San  Bernardino,  where  the  club  met  President  Roosevelt. 
*Spanish — adieu. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  353 


An'  they  seem  tu  hev  a  hanker 

Per  the  cow-boy  toot  tu-day, 
An'  they  run  tu  see  the  Buster, 

An'  tu  har  the  donkeys  bray. 

Ho,  Buckeros,f  don't  yer  har'  em? 

Don't  yer  har  the  burros  bray — 
"Hurray ! — Hurray  fer  Teddy  ! 

"Hurray !— Hurray  !— Hurray  !" 

An'  yer  bet  yer  bottom  dollar,  boys, 

Thet  Teddy  he  will  win, 
Fer  we'll  all  git  up  an'  holler,  boys, 

An'  we'll  whoop  'im  in  agin. 

— Los  Angeles,  May  12, 

Bronco  Bill  on  the  Gallop 
FIRST  GALLOP 

Wai,  Jo,  let's  go  an'  hev  a  blow, 

Out  on  the  bar  perairie; 
I'm  gittin'  long  uf  mountin  snow 

An'  I'm  feelin'  kinder  dreary. 

I'd  like  tu  shute  a  cyote, 

Fer  thar  aint'  no  bar  about,  Jo, 
Fer  Teddy  cum  an'  skeared  the  bar — 

An'  the  varmints  all  lit  out,  Jo. 

My  bronco — Moller — looks  pore  an'  holler ; 
But  it  takes  a  good  un,  Jo,  tu  foller. 
I  bought  the  brute  from  a  Laramie  Ute : 
I  gin  my  cayuse  an'  a  blanket  tu  boot, 
An'  I'm  kinder  stuck  on  the  lovin'  brute, 
Fer  she  allus  whinners  a  kind  salute. 

fCow-boy  corruption  of  the  Spanish  word  vaquero — cow-boy 


354  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Jumpin'  Judas !  how  they  hollered 
When  Ted  war  in  Skoke  Ann; 

An'  down  in  Butte  they  follered  suit, 
An'  whooped  'er  tu  a  man. 

At  Starbuck — it  war  midnight — 
(Thet's  a  Lubber- Union  town) — 

They  routed  Ted  up  outer  bed, 
An'  done  the  Gunnel  brown. 

They  hed  tu  bust  the  winder 

Right  over  Teddy's  nose, 
An'  the  Gunnel  wudn't  show  his-self 

Till  the  mob  turned  on  the  hose. 

Then  they  hollered  "Irrigation  !" 
With  a  wild,  onarthly  screech, 

An'  Teddy  hed  tu  mop  his  face 
An'  give  the  mob  a  speech. 

An'  fit  fer  the  occasion — 

He  talked  on  worter-rights, 
An'  loud  on  irrigation, 
An'  big  canauls  an'  worter-falls 

An'  ditches,  dams  and  dam-sites. 

An'  he  said  thet  down  along  the  plains 
He'd  turn  the  ole  "Big  Muddy," 

The  Yallerstone,  an'  Tongue,  an'  Platte, 
The  bloody  Kaw  an'  Arkansaw, 

An'  make  the  desert  blume  with  grains 
An'  tater-tops — so  wud  'e. 

An'  he  said  ef  thet  wan't  wet  enuf — 
He'd  tap  ole  Hudson  Bay,  Jo, 

An'  turn  thet  pond  ontu  our  land; 
An'  I  guess  thet  plan  'ud  pay,  Jo. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  355 


Yer  cain't  make  worter  run  up-hill? 

Is  thet  the  way  yer  view  it? 
Wai,  Jo,  yer  a  durn  cow-puncher  still : 

Ted  an'  the  Lord  kin  du  it. 

Ef  Teddy  cain't  I'll  bet  yer  ten— 

I'll  go  yer  better  still,  Jo — 
I  know  a  man  kin  du  it,  sar — 

An'  thet  man  is  Jim  Hill,  Jo. 

Yer  shake  yer  har ; — now,  what's  the  motter  ? 

Hain't  yer  niver  seen  the  maps,  Jo? 
Salt-wotter? — don't   yer   know   salt-wotter 

Is  jist  the  thing  fer  craps,  Jo? 

An'  now  I  know  yer  fibbed,  ole  Jo, 

Yer  war  nar  in  Califunny; 
But  thet's  the  place  yer  orter  go — 

It's  the  land  uf  wine  an'  honey, 
An'  foggy  sky  an'  alkali, 

An'  the  place  tu  drap  yer  money. 

They  hev  no  use  fer  worter  thar, 

Axcept  on  rar  occasion, 
An'  they  allus  use  salt  worter,  sar, 

Fer  orchard  irrigation. 

Shzz! — look  yer!   Thar's  a  Injun! 
Er  my  ole  eyes  they  blinks  an'  lies : 

Cain't  see  ez  sharp  ez  I  uster — no: 

I'm  a  fightin'  ruster  still  but — whoa ! 

I  swar — look  thar — 'tis  a  Injun,  Jo; 

He's  a-sneaking'  fer  a  bronco ! 


356  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


An'  yer  bet  yer  he  hez  got  a  gun, 

An'  a  skelpin'-knife  hitched  on,  too; 
I  hain't  got  more  ner  twenty  rounds, 

Ner  no  lariat  on  my  saddle: 
Yer  bet  I  niver  shute  fer  fun — 

So — git,  Moll, — let's  skedaddle. 

Git ! — make  a  dead  run  fer  the  bresh ! 

This  gallop  it  won't  du,  Jo; 
I  hain't  got  eny  har  tu  spar; 

Ner  nuther  ner  hev  you,  Jo. 
— Squazv  Butte,  Mount  Anner,  May  28,  1903. 

SECOND  GALLOP 

Hello, — Pete!  ole  boy,  how  are  yer? 

I  likes  yer,  Pete;  I  allus  did 
Sence  we  fit  them  durn  Piute,  Pete. 

Wai,  durn  it,  Pete,  I  war  on'y  a  kid, 
An'  I  didn't  know  how  tu  shute,  Pete, 

But  yer  saved  my  har  an'  Teddy's,  tu, 

An'  I  allus  shell  think  a  heap  uf  you. 

Say,  ole  pardner,  hev  yer  hard  frum  Jo? 

He's  gone  tu  Manitober: 
Yer'll  niver  see  old  Jo  no  moe ; 

Pore  cuss,  he  cain't  keep  sober. 

I  'spose  yer  hard  uf  thet  thar  fight 

Whar  me  an'  Jo  war  in  it, 
With  thirteen  Injuns  on  the  plains, 

Out  thar  beyond  Ass-in-it?* 

Yer  didn't  har?    Wai,  that  is  quar! 
It  war  a  bloody  battle, 

*Assinibolne. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  357 


But  me  an'  Jo  we  cleaned  'em  out 
Ez  'twar  a  bunch  uf  cattle. 

They  sneaked  on  us,  the  devils  did; 

But  I  guess  they  got  a  plenty; 
Fer  old  pard  Jo — er — he  murdered  four 

An'  I  shot  the  ether  twenty. 

Did  I  bring  the  skelps  ?   Nunno,  old  pard, 

Fer  I  cum  along  with  Teddy, 
An'  Ted,  yer  know — (it's  a  leetle  hard)- 

Says  skelpin'  is  on-Christian: 
He's  a-gittin'  orful  steady. 

Dog-on  it,  Pete,  yer  look  so  neat, 

An'  hansum — like  a  brether! 
Now  don't  yer  swat  my  Greaser*  hat; 

Cum,  Pete,  an'  take  a  nether. 

Yer  playin'  faro? — Don't  yer  yank! 

Yer  gittin'  orful  frisky: 
Yer  durn'd  old  crank,  yer  bust  the  bank, 

An'  still  guzzle  rot-gut  whisky. 

I  uster  gulp  thet  stuff  meself, 
But  it's  gittin'  kinder  thin,  sar; 

Sence  I  war  down  tu  ole  San  Juan, 
I'm  drinkin' — Holland  gin,  sar! 

Say,  pardner,  did  yer  see  our  Ted 
While  he  war  in  Salt  Lick,f  Pete? 

Yer  didn't?    Didn't  har  his  speech? 
Cudn't  ketch  his  paw,  ner  git  a  seat  ? 

Yer  lost  yer  grip,  eh  ?    Yer  a  peach  ! 
Yer  bamboozlin'  me,  yer  be,  Pete. 

*Cow-boy  name  for  Mexican. 
tSalt   Lake. 


358  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


It's  honest  John !  Wai,  thet's  tu  bad ; 

Fer  I  know  yer  love  our  Teddy: 
An'  thet  gran'  speech,  be  gad,  ole  dad, 

I  kin  say  it  be  heart  already. 

Tell  yer  the  speech  ?    Yer  be  a  peach  ! 

Cain't  read  ?    I  guess  yer  yarnin' : 
I  cain't  chant  Latin,  but  I  kin  screech 

Ef  I  hain't  got  cullege-larnin'. 

So  har's  a  go — but  fust  "wet  up" 

An'  make  it  kinder  easy; 
When  I'm  about  tew-thirds  "set-up" 

My  tongue  gits  glib  an'  greasy. 

Yer  know  my  weakest  pint,  ole  Pete — 
'Taint  ram-lamb  fry  an'  butter ; 

But  gin'll  tangle  my  ole  feet 
An'  make  me  stut-stut-stutter. 

Now,  listen,  Pete,  an'  don't  "buff  in— 

Fer  thet  will  cuz  distraction : 
I'll  jist  take  one  more  drink  uv  gin — 

An'  give  thet  speech  tu  a  fraction. 

'Twar  a  mighty  crowd,  an'  Ted  war  proud 
Sich  famerous  men  tu  tackle 

Ez  Brigham  Young  an'  'Postle  Smoot, 
In  ther  own  Tabernacle. 

Thar,  now,  I'm  ready :   Fust  he  said : 

"I'm  orful  glad  tu  see  yer : 
I  love  these  'ere  old  pioneers, 

Thet  hev  fit  fer  more  ner  fifty  years, 
fNot  butt. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  359 


A-punchin'  mules,  an' — an' — punchin' — steers: 
An'  I  love  these  dear  old  mothers,  tu, 

Thet  hetched  this  poperlation ; 
In  many  ways  they  hev  proved  true 

Gran'mothers  uf  the  nation. 

I  love  the  spot  whar  Brigham  Young 

In  Glory's  bunk  reposes; 
He  war  a  bigger  man  thun  Humer  sung, 

An'  a  better  man  thun  Moses. 

I  wudn't  offend,  sir,  fer  me  paw, 

One  voter  in  all  Utaw; 
But  I  cain't  jist — pr-pr-praise  polygamy." 

An'  he  kinder  tuck  a  sea-saw. 

"But  dear  ole  Polly  Gamy, 

She  built  these  Peeramids,  sir, 
An'  I  bless  the  dear  ole  mammy 

Fer  her  bounterous  crop  uf  kids,  sir. 

Polygamy  war  in  its  time 

A  blessin'  tu  womankind; 
An'  them  thet  says  it  war  a  crime, 

Air  a  leetle  bit  tu  refined ; 
But  now  it's  gittin'  out  uf  date, 

Axcept  upon  the  sly,  sir: 
Cain't  beat  Natur, — needn't  try — sir — 
Sum  air  tu  Pup-Pup-Puritanic! 

But  thet  gran'  ole  man — brave  Brigham  Young, 

He  sweetly  thar  reposes — 
In  thet  thar  gran'   Panthee — on 

A  bunk  uf  lurels  an'  roses: 


360  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


He  led  the  childrun  uf  Israel 

Thro'  flood  an'  fire  an'  Injun  hell, 
An'  them  desert  plains  whar  the  blizzards  blows 

An'  the  mountins  full  uf  bars  an'  snows, 
An'  he  niver  stopped  tu  rest  his  tuh-tuh-toes, 

Till  he  reached  this  Paradise,  sir: 

An'  he  prayed,  an'  made  this  desert  her — 

Tu  bar  an'  blussum  ez  the  roes, 
An'  he  done  it  in  a  trice,  sir ; 

An'  all  he  done  he  done  so  well, 
He  niver  done  it  twice,  sir. 

He  war  a  Moses,  sure  enufF, 

An'  a  fighter,  tu,  like  Caesar — 
Per  he  hed  in  him  the  royal  stuff 

Like  Kaiser  Bill  an' — an' — me,  sir. 

An'  when  they  sent  a  army  here — 

Thet  thar  ole  bump  Buchanan, 
He  found  in  thet  brave  pioneer, 

Thet  these  ram-parts  hed  a  man  on. 

Brigham  crammed  an'  rammed  thet  army  full 

Uf  beef,  an'  pork,  an'  taters, 
At  a  bully  price,  fer  he  had  a  pup-pup-"pull" 

On  them  thar  starvin'  craters. 

An'  he  didn't  shed  no  blood;  instead, 

Uncle  Samuel  shed  his  sheckels ; 
Fer  Brigham  hed  no  flies  on  him — 

An'  hardly  any  freckles. 

He  built  this  yer  gran'  Tabernacle, 
An'  he  built  thet  holy  Temple, 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  361 


He  made  corn  tu  grow,  an'  cocks  tu  crow, 

An'  hens  tu  lay  an'  cackle ; 
An'  he  made  the  women  weave  the  clo'es 

Withouter  rip  er  wrinkle. 

An'  he  made  the  small  kids  herd  the  cows 

An'  sheep  an'  goats  without  a  whimper, 
(Per  Brigham  hed  a  tut-tut-temper) 

An'  then  they  hed  tu  do  the  cho'es, 
An'  milk  the  goats,  and  kews,  an'  ewes; — 

But  thar  soon  war  kids  a-plenty, 
Per  Brigham  hed,  hisself,  'tis  said, 

Seven  hunderd  an'  tew  an'  twenty. 

He  hed,  uf  course,  a  lot  uf  wives, 

But  he  war  made  uf  strenerous  stuff,  sir; 

Good  men  that  know'd  him  all  ther  lives, 
Say  he  niver  hed  enuff,  sir. 

Ef  I  hed  Webster  On-a-bridge — 

All  uf  it  in  my  head,  sir; 
I  cudn't  find  words  good  enuff 

Per  Brigham  Young — thet's  dead,  sir. 

An'  I'm  glad  tu  see  these  Pillars  her 
Uf  this  gran'  ole  Mormon  Church,  sir; 

(An'  ef  they'll  pup-pull  fer  me  agin, 
I  won't  leave  'em  in  the  lurch,  sir.) 

I'm  glad  yer  got  a  Cannon  her, 

An'  I  know  it's  allus  loaded 
With  shot  an'  shell  tu  batter  hell, 

An'  it  niver  yit  exploded. 


362  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


An'  yer  women  her — they  milks  an'  churns, 

An'  I  think  they're  orful  pooty; 
I  don't  mean  tu  tread  on  no  man's  Kearns, 

Ner  git  tu  talkin'  Smoot-y. 

I  like  yer  fields  an'  flowin'  Wells, 

I  like  yer  broad-gauge  city ; 
I  like  yer  flocks  uf  kids  an'  gells ; 

An' — an' — them  bl-bl-blue-stockins  hev — my  pity. 

This  glorious  land  !    This  boareous  land  ! 

This  wondrous  state  of  Utaw, 
Wuz  built  by  Brigham's  master  hand ; 

It's  the  best  state  ever  you  saw, 
Er  I  saw,  er  Ole  Solomon  'E-saw. 

Yer  kin  irrigate  this  Umpire  State, 

Fer  yer  hev  wit  an'  worter, 
An'  make  the  desert  vegertate, 

An'  make  this  town  a  garden-gate — 
Git  at  it — every  son,  an'  sire,  an'  dorter. 

Thar's  Enoch,  Allan  an'  Wilson  Farr, 

With  six  hunderd  sons  an'  dorters, 
An'  nigh  ten  thousun'  gran'-kids  thar — 

Trot  'em  down,  sar — tu  the  bar ; 
Set  'em  all  tu  diggin'  thet  ain't  a — pup-pup-pigin', 
An'  make  'em  ditch  them  worters. 

Har's  a  purty  gal  called  Paradise, 

A  sister  uf  Sahara; 
She  ain't  a  bit  afraid  uf  mice ; 

An'  she's  jist  the  gal  tu  marry. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  363 


Jist  deck  'er  out  with  blumes  an'  plumes, 

An'  a  new  red  petticoat,  sir, 
An'  a  posy  hat,  an'  sich  ez  that — 

An'  thet  gal — she'll  ride  a  gug-gug-goat,  sir. 
Er  a  broncey,  er  a  donkey, 

Er  a  mustang,  er  a  stallion, 
An'  she'll  out-ride  our  Hoss-Hussars, 

An'  beat  the  hull  battalion. 

But  she  cain't  du  it  all  alone — 

With  all  her  wit  and  worter — 
An'  kiver  all  this  arid  zone, 

Tho'  she's  a  spunky  dorter, 
An'  I  swar — she  hedn't  orter ! 

Put  yer  miner's  pumps  on  thet  Salt  Lick ; 

Whut  yer  think  God  put  it  thar  fer? 
An'  pump  thet  worter  on  the  land, 

An'  plant  yer  taters  in  the  sand — 
An'  tend  the  ditch,  an'  bar  a  hand, 

An'  mind  the  crops  yer  car  fer. 

Yer'll  make  them  deserts  blum  an'  hum — 

Ef  yer'll  on'y  onct  git  at  'em : 
Yer  gone  thro'  hell  an'  martyrdom; 

But  now  yer  time  tu  shout  is  cum ; 
(An'  sh-sh-shout  fer  me,  with  fife  an'  drum, 

An'  I'll  help  a  leetle  with  my  thrum, 
An'  I'll  tip  yer — I  ain't  deaf  an'  dumb.) 

Don't  let  them  canters  steal  yer  plum ; 
Them  blue-stockins — now  combat  'em! 
Yer  kin  drap  them  Yanks  a  leetle  crum ; 
But  mind  yer,  don't  yer  let  'em  cum 


364  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


An'  stop  yer  propergation. 

Ef  yer  stop  thet  yer'll  soon  succumb, 
An'  yer'll  find  yerselfs  without  a  hum 

In  all  this  hummin'  nation. 

Now,  Start  yer  pumps  on  thet  thar  Lake, 

An'  pump  thet  salty  worter, 
An'  let  yer  ditches  like  a  snake, 

Wind  an'  run  jist  whar  they  orter. 

Salt  worter ! — Mr.  Chair-a-man, 

'T ain't  good  fer  irrigation? 
Du  yer  think  thet  yawp  kin  scare  a  man 

Thet's  the  head  uf  this  hull  nation? 

Salt  worter ! — Hump  ! — Salt  worter ! 

Thet  yaw-whoop  he's  a  bunny; 
Thet's  the  very  thing  the  ranchers  use 

Down  in  Suthun  Cali  funny. 

One  durn  dry  time  in  Anaheim, 

When  the  Dutch  set  out  ther  vineyards 

They  hed  a  orful  dusty  time 
Thet  nigh  dried  up  ther  inyards. 

Them  Dutch  war  bound  tu  hev  ther  wines 
Ef  they  cudn't  hev  no  kraut,  sir ; 

An'  I'll  tell  yer  how  they  saved  their  vines, 
An'  knocked  thet  durn'd  drout  out,  sir. 

Ther  good  ole  fraus  war  big  an'  fat, 
(An'  they  niver  wore  no  cussets,) 

Ner  fangle-fribbs  an'  gussets) 
An'  they  trotted  tu  Salt-river, 

An'  each  un  drunk  all  she  cud  hold, 
Frum  her  gullet  tu  her  liver. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  365 


Then  they  waddled  back  among  the  grapes, 

Choke  ful  uf  needed  worter, 
An'  thar  they  squat  among  the  vines, 

An' — did  jist  what  they  orter. 

Now,  thet  thar  ain't  no  "ole  salt's  yarn" ; 

'Twar  a  common  Dutch  occasion; 
An'  they  du  it  still,  an'  call  it,  sar, 

Salt- worter  irrigation. 

I've  seen  it  with  my  own  eyes,  sar  ; 

I  tell  yer,  sar,  in  thet  Salt  Lake, 
Onless  all  science  lies,  sar, 

Ef  yer  wise  thar's  lots  uf  money; 

Don't  give  thet  "snap"  a  shake: 

Yer  kin  save  the  alkali  fer  soap, 

Ez  they  du  in  Cali  funny, 
An'  give  yer  droves  uf  kids  a  dope, 

An'  scrub  'em  up,  me  Honey: 
Cain't  du  it?    Go  an'  git  a  rope 

An'  hang  yerself,  ole  Bunny. 

Hurrah !  Hurrah  fer  Utah  ! 

Now,  John,  stan'  by  the  Cannon, 
An'  ring  yer  Bells,  an'  pump  yer  Wells, 

An'  guh-guh-give  me  solid  backin' ; 
An'  yer'll  find  thet  down  in  Washin'-town 

Yer've  got  a  honest  man  on, 
An'  yer'll  har  the  Trusts  a-cra-cra-crackin'. 

I  want  a  few  more  battle-ships, 

An'  so  does  Mr.  Moody — 
He's  kinder  fly  an'  doody, 

But  he's  good  ez  iver  you  saw : 


366  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Give  us  tew  dozen  battle-ships 

An'  we'll  name  the  best  un — Utah! 

Now,  shute  the  gun — but  wait  a  minit ; 

Don't  yer — fer-fer-fergit  the  votes — 
(Thar's  a  dam  reporter  takin'  notes, 

Jist  take  him,  Howell,  by  the  snout, 
An'  yank  the  cuss,  an'  k-k-kick  'im  out.) 

Now  give  me,  Saints,  yer  backin' 
An'  yer'll  har  all  hell  a  crackin' ; 

Fer  yer  know  how  I  hev  fawt 

Out  nigh  Mandan — an'  at  San  Juan — 

In  the  slums  uf  the  Bowery,  an'  tharabout. 

I  fit  the  Pi-utes  in  the  Hills ; 

I  gin  'em  hell  an'  "blue-mass  pills;" 

I  fit  the  Sioux  out  on  the  Plains ; 

The  cyotes  gnawed  ther  cold  remains ; 

I've  fit  the  grizzly  in  his  den ; 

I've  fit  in  blizzard, — sleet — an'  rain, 

An'  I'm  achin'  fer  a  fight  again! 

An'  yer  niver  seed  my  broncer — 
Like  a  skeary,  brayin'  donker — 
With  his  Gunnel  tun  an'  run! 

I've  hunted  moose  an  mountin  goats, 
Jist  now  I'm  huntin'  fer  yer  votes — 

Hurrah !  Hurrah  for  Utah  ! 
Now,  John,  sh-sh-shute  uff  the  gun!" 

Ole  Pete,  that's  jist  the  speech  he  made — 

I  gin  it  word  fer  word,  Pete, 
Accept  I  went  out  onct,  I  think, 

Tu  p-p-put — a  nickel  in  the  slot — an'  git 
a  drink. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  367 

Fighting  Bob 

(From   Bronco   Bill's   Coiv-Boy   Ballads.} 

I  ain't  a-braggin' ;  I  hate  a  bragger — 
So  I  don't  like  Commodore  Sly,  sir; 
'N'  ef  I  bed  ole  Shafter  I'd  hang  'im  tu  a  rafter 
Quicker  'en  yer'd  scat  a  fly,  sir: 

I  cud — bedad — I  wud,  sir — 

An'  Teddy  'ud  cry — fer  lafter. 
I'm  gittin'  meller,  an'  meb-meb-mebbe-be  I  stagger; 

But  thar's  one  feller  kin  fight  an'  beller, 
An'  Billy  Bronco  likes,  sir: 

With  his  maggie-phone  he  fit  'em  alone; 

He's  none  uf  yer  braggin'  Mikes,  sir: 
An'  when  he  says  "go" — er  "sailor-Ho !" 

Them  blue  pantalets  they  gits  up  an'  gets, 
An  prompersly  hollers — "Aye-aye,  sir." 

He's  a  "Fightin'  Bob,"  an'  he  done  the  job, 
While  the  ethers  war  lookin'  on,  sir — 

Axcept  ole  Sly,  an'  he  war  so  fly 

Thet  he  slipped  tu  the  wheel,  like  a  fresh-worter 
eel, 

An'  tunned  the  rudder  an'  rur-rur-runned,  sir. 

An'  Gunnel  Teddy — I've  told  yer  already — 

No,  durn  it — I  told  it  tu  Jow,  sir: 
This  tarnel  brandy  is  sittin'  so  handy, 

I'm  like  Sittin'  Bull  in  a  pow-wow,  sir. 

1904. 


368  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Marc  Hanna 

(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.) 

In  the  ole  Pork  State — Ohio, 

Step-mother  Hanner,  she  carries  the  banner ; 
That  Four-acre  can't  deny  O, 

She's  a  Billy-goat  tanner, 
An' — a-wavin'  thet  banner — 

She  makes  her  petticoat  fly  O ; 
An'  when  the  thing  gits  intu  a  ring 

Agin  her  calcerlation, 
An'  hell's  tu  pay,  ez  the  cow-boys  say 

Way  down  in  the  Cherokee  nation, 

She'll  turn  her  shimmy-shirt  inside  out, 

An'  jine  the  Salvation  Army, 
An'  all  them  buck-eyes  'ull  cheer  an'  shout 

Quicker  ner  yer  er  I  O, 
Kin  ketch  a  wink  an'  step  up  tu  drink 

Frum  a  jug  of  "the  rael  Ohio." 

1904. 

Matt  Quay 

(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.) 

Thar's  bull-puncher  Quay, — git  outer  his  way ! 

Fer  he  ain't  no  Sunday-school  teacher, 
With  sugar  on  his  tongue  an'  a  straw  in  the  bung, 

Ner  a  durn'd  ole  hypercrite  screecher. 

He  swings  a  long  whip,  an'  he  don't  car  a  rip 

Fer  ary  ole  Quake  thet's  agin  'im; 
He'll  hit  'im  a  clip  with  his  black-snake  whip, 
That'll  make  'im  wiggle  his  starn  an'  skip; 

Fer  ole  Matt  hez  grizzly-bar  in  'im. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  369 


They  tackled  'im  twice,  but  he  loaded  the  dice ; 
They  war  done  up  in  a  trice,  like  a  lot  uf  blind  mice 

In  the  flour-barl  uf  a  ole  Dutch  baker: 
Then  Matt  gin  the  tip,  an'  he  tuck  his  ole  whip, 

An'  he  larruped  thet  yarn-spinnin'  Quaker — 

Ole  sam-singin'   John   Wannamaker — 
An'  they  sent  fer  a  doctor  an'  hed  'im  greased ; 
An'  he  cum  nigh  hevin'  tu  call  a  priest, 

An'  tu  send  fer  a  undertaker. 

Grover  Cleveland 
(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.) 

I  allus  liked  our  uncle  Grover, 

Fer  he  hed  "Ole  Hickory"  back-bone,  sar ; 
Finance-ally  he  war  sound  all  over, 
An'  he'd  stan'  squar  like  a  grizzly  bar, 
Ef  he  hed  tu  stan'  alone,  Jo. 

Thar  war  a  few  mistakes  he  made, 

But  he  made  no  blow  er  brag,  Jo: 
He  war  a  leetle  luny  on  Free-trade, 

An'  over  in  Honey-loo-loo  thar, 
He  pulled  down  the  American  flag,  Jo : 

An'  in  thet  Ven'zueely  bluff 

He  didn't  hit  jist  right,  sar, 
An'  he  cum  per'lous  nigh  enough 

Tu  startin'  a  bloody  fight,  sar. 

But  I  guess  in  all  the  moves  he  made 

He  meant  his  kentry's  good,  Jo: 
An'  now  he's  restin'  in  the  shade 

Uf  "Innocuous  Disuetude,"  Jo. 

1904. 


370  COW-BOY    BALLADS 

Horace  Greeley 

(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.) 

Hurace  Greeler !  Hurace  Greeler ! 

Yer  war  a  speckled  trout, 
But  till  yer  run  fer  president 

They  didn't  find  it  out: 

Yer  run  a  durn  good  "Try-bune" 

Aspecially  fer  the  "hay-seeds," 
An'  larnt  'em  how  tu  raise  pertaters, 

An'  kids  an'  ether  craters, 
An'  chuse  right  kind  of  hug-breeds. 

An'  the  farmers  luved  yer,  Hurace, 

An'  bet  on  yer  opinions 
In  polly-tics  an'  ether  tricks 

An'  f  rum  raisin'  colts  tu  inions. 

Up  in  St.  Lurence  county 

They  war  bothered  lots  with  elders, 
Thet  grew  round  them  rail  fences 

In  spiter  fire  an'  bounty. 

An'  it  cost  'em  lots  uf  cuss  an'  tile, 

An'  more  er  less  expenses, 
Tu  root  them  elders  f  rum  the  sile ; 

Fer  they  hed  no  hugs  tu  root  'em. 

Some  said — tu  kill  them  elders — 
Jist  tu  cut  'em  down  in  August 

In  the  old  o'  the  moon,  an'  ethers  said 
Tu  cut  'em  in  the  new,  but  fust 

Tu  sprinkle  salt  er  saw-dust 
All  around  the  pesky  elder-bed. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  371 


So  un  ole  back-woods  preacher — 

He  war  a  farmer,  tu, 
An'  a  shouter  an'  a  screecher, 

An'  a  ram  without  a  ewe — 

Writ  a  note  tu  Hurace  Greeler, 

(His  name  he  signed — Gote  Felders) 

An'  ast  'im  ez  a  "feeler," 
The  best  time  tu  cut  elders. 

An'  Greeler  printed  thet  thar  note, 
An'  this  answer  tu  his  bleatin'— 

"The  best  time  tu  cut  elders,  Goat, 
Is  jist  before  Camp-meetin'." 

PETE: 

Is  thet  the  eend? — it's  long  an'  ruff, 
An'  I  wud  say — it's  d-d-durn  pore  stuff, 

An'  sounds  like  the  grind  uf  a  Jew-saw; 
But  yer  bet  yer  Teddy  is  glad  enuff 
They  didn't  cut  elders  in  Utah. 


San  Juan 

(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.} 

I  b'lieve  in  thet  doctrine,  ez  Teddy  writ — 
Don't  git  intu  a  fight  fer  fun,  sar ; 

But  ef  yer  hev  tu — swat  an'  bite, 
An'  don't  git  skeery  an'  hev  a  fit, 

But  be  shore  yer  got  a  gun,  sar ! 


372  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


An'  ef  yer  hev,  an'  t'ether  man  hain't, 
Yer  kin  flam  'im,  an'  dam  'im, 

An'  ram  'im,  an'  jam  'im, 
An'  make  'im  run  er  faint,  sar ; 

An'  when  yer  git  thro',  let  thet  ether  man  know 
Thet  thar  hez  bin  a  fight,  sar — 

Ef  yer  hev  tu  git  Teddy  tu  write,  sar. 

Thet  puts  me  in  mind  uf  whut  Teddy  said, 

When  I  outangled  'im  frum  thet  bar-wire  fence, 
Arfter  the  fight  at  ole  San  Juan. 

Teddy  war  puffin'  fer  a  drink  uf  suthin', 
Fer  he  war  bleedin'  frum  siveral  wounds — 

On  his  legs — frum  them  ole  barb-wires,  sar, 
An'  he  looked  around  all  over  the  grounds — 

I'll  allus  remember  thet  sight,  sar — 

Ez  he  strid  tu  the  rear  fer  his  gun  an'  gear, 

Fer  he  straightened  up  like  a  Kaiser  an'  said : 
"Bill  Bronco,  we've  hed  a  fi-fi-fight,  sar! 

Hez  the  inimy  ra-ra-raelly  run,  Bill?" 
An'  when  I  said  "yas,"  he  gin  a  whoop 

Thet  our  boys  all  hard  way  over  the  hill, 
An'  the  salts  on  the  ships  frum  prow  tu  poop, 

Ez  he  yelled:      "Rough   Riders — give  'em   huh- 
huh-hell!" 

An'  thar,  on  thet  Red-Cross  stretcher, 

Lay  thet  durn'd  ole  Gineral  Shafter 
A  shakin'  with  suthin' ; — yer  bet  yer 

I  thort  it  war  delarium-tremums, 
But  our  Captin  Brodie-ax  got  ontu  the  facts, 
An'  said  it  wuz  nuthin'  but  lah-lah-laf  ter. 

1903 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  373 

Jew   Fish 
(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.) 

BILL: 

Har  goes:  I  know'd  a  jew-fish  onct 

Ez  played  upon  a  Jew's  harp, 
An'  the  gals  at  the  leg-show  on  gay  Long  Beach, 
They  wiggled  an'  giggled — then  gin  a  screech, 

Fer  they  thort  it  war  a  mar-maid. 
Next  Soturday — in  the  Sinnergog — 

I'm  off — it  wuz  the  Skinnergog — 
They  seen  thet  same  fine  Jew-fish 

A-singin'  in  the  Singergog, 
An'  each  gal  gin  her  mate  a  jog — 

An'  giggled — "Thar's  thet  mar-maid ! 
Red  petticoat  on  a  blue-fish ! 

Jehoshaphat!    She's  a  bar-maid!" 

PETE: 

Ef  yer  wanter  ketch  a  Jew-fish,  Bill — 

(An'  a  devil-fish  yer  don't  want  'er; 
I  druther  hev  a  blue-fish, 

Er  a  bull-pout  er  a  dorg-fish, 
Er  a  durn  ole  man-eater  shark-fish, 

Hitched  ontu  me,  thun  a  she  devil-fish). 
Ef  yer  wanter  ketch  a  Jew-fish,  Bill, 

(An'  a  devil-fish  yer  don't  want  'er) 
Jist  bait  yer  hook  with  a  nickel  er  tew, 
Er  a  few  ole  clo'es,  an'  he'll  run  his  nose 

On  thet  thar  bait  ez  'twar  a  plate 
Uf  mountin  eysters  on  a  free  lunch  counter. 


374  COW-BOY    BALLADS 

Long  Beach 
(From  Bronco  Bill's  Cow-Boy  Ballads.} 

Long  Beach — in  Suthun  Cali funny, 

Is  the  place  tu  git  a  show  fer  yer  money: 

Long  Beach,  whar  the  Press-biters  gader  an'  preach ; 

Whar  the  Baptists  take  worter,  an'  the  Methodists 

reach 

Out  an'  shout  fer  the  monied  sinners ; 
An'  the  Holinessers  an'  Holinesses 

Peddle  ther  sams  an'  ther  clams  an'  ther  kisses : 

Whar  the  ranchers  go  fer  ther  Sunday  clam-dinners. 
An'    the    long-har'd    crankasses    gib-gibber    an' 
screech ; 

Whar  the  boys  get  spoony  an'  the  gals  get  luny, 
An'  gabble  an'  giggle  an'  wiggle  so  funny — 

Away  from  ther  pars,  with  a  little  pin-money ; 
An'  them  mar-ed  Angels — they  niver  peach 

On  ther  bathin'  pard's  at  thet  bilin'  beach: 

Long  Beach  ! — Long  Beach  ! — yer  a  blumin'  peach  ! 

Fer  thar,  by  the  par,  they  pray  it  an'  preach  it, 
An'  shout  it  an'  flout  it,  an'  rout  it  an'  screech  it ; 
An'  wiggle,  an'  giggle,  an'  hug  an'  beseech  it, 

All  day  an'  all  night,  on  the  bluffs  an'  the  beaches, 
With   ther   petticoats   uff   an'    ther   coats   an'    ther 

breeches. 

Long  Beach  ! — Long  Beach  ! — in  Cali  funny ! 
Yer  got  the  best  leg-show  on  arth — fer  the  money. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  375 

Teddy's  Comin'  Down  the  Nile 
(Bronco  Bill,  Corporal  Company  Q — Rough  Riders} 

Bang  the  drums  an'  blow  the  bugles ! 

Let  the  cataracts  roar  an'  bile ; 
Beller,  Aetna  an'  Vesuvius, — 

Teddy's  comin'  down  the  Nile ! 

The  Peeramids  they  trembles, 

An'  the  slinkin'  crocodile, 
An'  the  Sphinx  he  winks  an'  wonders, — 

Teddy's  comin'  down  the  Nile! 

The  lions  they  air  prancin', 

An'  the  hippopots  they  smile, 
An'  the  elephants  air  dancin', — 

Teddy's  comin'  down  the  Nile! 

Cousin  Kaiser  Bill,  git  ready; 

Blow  the  bugles,  bang  the  drums : 
Hurray ! — Hurray ! — f er  Teddy, 

The  "mighty  hunter,"  comes. 

Hold  yer  breath,  ye  list'nin'  nations ; 

Stop  the  tick  uf  time  a  while ; 
With  his  staff  uf  press-reporters 

Teddy's  comin'  down  the  Nile ! 
Holy  Moses  Af  ricanus  ! — 

Teddy's  comin'  down  the  Nile! 

April  i,  1910. 


376  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Cow-Boy  Ballads 

(Bronco  Bill,  Laramie  "Round-up" 

Bronco  Bill: 

Ole  Pete,  I'm  dry  's  a  fish  agin, 
An'  I  guess  it's  up  tu  you,  Pete; 

Wai,  pard',  I'll  take  a  mug  uf  gin  — 
Yer  payin'?  —  I'll  take  tew,  Pete. 

Them  hits  the  spot  ;  it's  gittin'  hot  ; 

Now,  Sambo  thar,  start  yer  catarrh, 
An'  diddle  yer  fiddle,  ole  Gumbo  ; 

I  hain't  felt  so  good  sence  the  Cuber  war, 
An',  we'e  goin'  tu  hev  a  —  Jum  —  Jum  —  "Jumbo" 

Thet's  it,  Gumbo;  saw  thet  ole  fiddle, 

An'  chip  in  the  tamborino; 
Don't  play  us  a  sam  :  I'm  a  mountin  lamb, 

But,  thank  yer,  I  ain't  a  merino. 

Now,  Bob,  dog-gong,  du  give  us  a  song, 

Off-hand,  axtemporary; 
An'  I'll  roller  suit,  but  I  ain't  so  cute  — 

I'm  a  jay-bird,  an'  nary  canary. 

Coyote  Bob  : 

I  wish  I  war  a  leetle  boy  — 

A  leetle  boy  agin  ; 
Ful  of  frolic  an'  the  colic, 

Ful  of  soda-pop  an'  sin. 

I  wish  I  war  a  boy  agin, 

Tudle,  dudle,  Andy: 
With  curly  har  and  blumin'  skin  ; 

Tudle,  dudle,  dandy. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  377 


Then  I  wud  go  an'  see  Shy  Ann, 

An'  dear  Miss  Ana  Conder, 
An'  tramp  agin  tu  Anaheim 

Tu  see  my  granny  yonder, 
An'  play  tu  them  young  Deutcher  geese 

A  gay  ole  mountin  gander — 
Eat  schweitzer-kase  an'  butter-grease, 

An'  see  ther  flocks  uf  kids  increase. 
Thet  'ud  tickle  Ted,  by  dunder. 

"Race-suicide,"  says  Teddy — 

An'  it  makes  his  busom  bleed — 

"We'll  soon  be  Paree  poodles, 
Ef  we  don't  brace  up  an'  breed." 

Jackrabbits  breed  in  litters,  Bill, 
An'  the  Niggers  an'  Chinee, 

An'  the  lazy,  lousy  "Greasers,"  Bill, 
An',  by  gosh,  why  shudn't  we? 

It's  a  good  ole  Holland  fashion, 
An'  like  good  ole  Holland  gin 

Which,  onst  yer  git  the  taste  uf  it 
Yer'll  wanter  taste  agin. 

The  brush  air  ful  uf  beauties, 

All  a-waitin'  tu  be  tied; 
Go,  Pard',  an'  take  Miss  Giggles, 

But  I'll  take  Sue-aside. 

Bronco  Bill: 

Pass  the  "lemonade,"  Jim  Dairy-Maid, 
An'  I'll  Sarah-nade  the  hul  brigade. 

I'm  feelin'  like  a  lark,  Boys, 
In  a  clover-field  in  June,  Boys, 


378  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Jist  arfter  it's  bin  dark,  Boys. 

Ef  yer  wanter  bar  a  hummer  song, 
Jist  shet  yer  mouth  an'  hark,  Boys : 

Hump-te-dudle,   hump-te-dudle, 
Hump-te-dudle-dew-de ! 

Thar — now    I've   ketched   the   tune,   Boys. 

Oi'd  loike  te  be  a  b'y  agin ; 

Houly  Patherick!  but  Oi  wud  thot! 
Oi'd  drap  thot  whusky  an'  thot  gin, 

An'  dhrink  me  port  an'  blume  me  skin, 
Loike  a  rael  auld  Oirish  gintlemin. 

An'  wed  Tim's  widdy  Mariar — 

Wid  her  five  spalpeens — in  a  minit. 

Mebbe  Oi  shud — Pat  says  Oi  wud — 
Put  me  auld  fut  right  in  it. 

Oi  wud  nat  loike  that,  te  be  sure,  me  dear  Pat, 

Te  put  me  fut  inty  a  bear-trap ! 
But  Oi'd  bang  me  auld  hat 

Te  see  yer  tom-cat 
Put  his  divil  fut  inty  a  hare-trap ; 

Fer  all  the  night  long  he  be  singin'  a  song, 
Loike  the  waul  av  a  Kilkenny  cryer — 

An'  the  same  auld  chune  frae  October  te  June— 
Mariar — Mariar — Mariar ! 

In  the  mid  o'  the  night  Oi  awake  in  a  fright, 
An'  bang  me  auld  goon  at  thot  cat  on  the  roon, 
A-yellin'  Mariar — Mariar ! 

Hip  a  hurrah — Erin-go-bragh  ! 
The  life  av  a  lone  mon  be  sorry ; 

An'  Oi  guess  Oi  wull  gow  an'  see  father  MccGraw, 
An'  bid  te  the  widdin'  temorry. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  379 


Ki-yi,  me  b'y,  how's  thet  fer  high? 
Now,  Teddy  Bismarck,  git  up  an'  bark, 

Er  howl  us  a  song  a  yard  er  tew  long; 
Jist  gulp  a  gin-fiz  an'  git  down  tu  "biz" ; 

Er  a  stein  uf  Rhine  wine  er  a  bar'l  uf  beer, 
An'  we'll  stay  har — a  week — tu  har  yer  squeak. 

Teddy  Bismarck: 

I'll  take  just  ein  schnitt 

Mit  drei  steine  damit, 
Und  sing  ein  leedel  goot  gesang — 

Nicht  ganz  ein  hundert  meilen  lang. 

Yah,  ich  bin  Teddy  Roosterbelt ! 
Ich  bin  der  sohn  von  Prinz  Bismarck ! 
Aber  he  keep  eet  in  ze  dark — 

Und  sendt  mir,  dann  und  wann,  das  silbergeld. 

I  vish  I  vuz  a  poy  some  more; 

I  vish  I  var;  yah,  won't  it? 
Und  ef  ich  war  ein  leedle  poy, 

Ein  leedle  boob  I  pees  already,  don't  it? 

Meine  gute  mutter 
Gibt  me  ein  stiick  brod  und  butter, 
Und  nennt  mich  "Lieber  Teddy." 

So  ich  bin  ze  "Bull-mooser"  chief, 
Und  sing  mein  laut  gesang  "Reform," 

Dot  shakes  ze  goundry  like  a  storm, 
Und  makes  ze  peoples  all  belief 

I  eats  mein  dinner  on  a  tief. 

An'  so  I  scream  ze  eagle 
Und  fight  agin  mit  Siegel — 


380  COW-BOY     BALLADS 


Or  any  udder  feller — 
Darein  dem  lager  Reichs-Rath-keller. 

Wo  geht  das  leedel  hundschen  mein, 
Und  laszt  mich  spielen  ganz  allein, 

Wann  ich  ein  kleiner  knabe  war? 
Dann  bin  ich  grimmig  ganz  und  gar. 

Der  hund  er  gibt  mir  nodings  rest; 
He  roon  avay  und  stay  all  day 

Dabei  dot  damphool  shootzen-fest. 

Und  wenn  er  kommt  mir  spat  zuriick 

I  gibt  dat  leedel  cuss  a  kick ; 
Aber  wenn  er  cry  und  yellt  ki-yi — 

Mein  leedel  lieber  bube  kind — 
Dann  hab  ich  sorge  on  dot  pore  dorgie, 

Und  kicks  michselbst  drei  mal  behind. 

I  vish  I  var  ein  boob,  by  gar, 

Wie  ich  war  in  alt  Deutchland  dar — 

Darum-darauf-darunder ! 
Toodel,  de  oodel,  de  noodel ! 
Und  wenn  ich  bin  I  vill  ride  agin 

Auf  dot  Yankee  mool,  py  dunder. 

Wie  dann  wir  rittsen? — donner  und  blitzen ! 
Dot  Yankee  mool  go  kicken  und  schlitzen, 
Und  fall  ab  Ich,  und  ketch  ein  kick 
Daran  mein  hinter  rumpf  zu  guick. 

Dann  dot  ole  mool  he  runs  avay, 

An'  sweesh  hees  sweif,  an'  kick  hees  heels, 
An'  mack  'eem  laut  a  blenty  bray, 

Und  lacht  behint  on  mir  und  squeals. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  381 


Er  besser  kick  mich  mit  ein  brick; 
Dot  vas  I  call  'em  Yankee  trick, 

Und  eef  I  komm  jemals  zuriick, 

Dann  vill  ich  kick 
Dot  ole  mool  mit  ein  brick-stein  brick. 

Yust  wie  Prinz  Bismarck  play  in  ze  dark, 
An'  ketch  dem  damphool  Polliwogs, 
An'  lick  'em  quick  mit  hees  war-dogs ; 

An'  take  Paree  an'  push  'em  hard, 
An'  mach  'em  pay  fer  all  ze  fun 

Mit  Alsace-Lorraine  und  ein  milliard. 

Hoch,  Kaiser  Bill,  how's  dot  fer  hoch? 
Yust  put  'eem  in  yer  pfeif  und  smoke. 

Bronco  Bill: 

Now,  Johnny  Crapaud,  gulp  yer  corbeau 
With  yer  eau-de-vie,  an'  tip  yer  chapeau, 
Ez  yer  uster  tip  it,  yer  durn'd  ole  dandy — 
Down  thar  across  the  Rio  Grande 
Con  Cuero  de  pulque,  an'  a  bottle  of  brandy, 
Al  fandgo-vaqueros,  fiesta  de  toros, 
Juego  de  gallos,  o  juegos  mas  malos 
Con  las  senoritas  in  Mejico. 
Limber  yer  fingers  an'  rosin  yer  bow, 
An'  fiddle  yer  song  ez  yer  hobble  along. 

Johnny  Crapaud: 

Coq  Alleman',  crow  tantque  you  can  ; 
Some  tarn  yer  hear  os  yell  again 

Gloire  ! — Gloire  ! — Gloire ! — Gloire ! 

De  Nice  et  Marseille  a  la  Loire — 
De  Brest  et  Paree  a  la  Lorraine : 

Alors  le  combat  com  agin ; 
Nous  vous  f  rappons  par  culotte  et  manche ; 


382  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Revanche  ! — Revanche — Revanche — Revanche  ! 
Les  braves  Frangais  vill  knock  yer  out, 
An'  spill  yer  lager  an'  sauerkraut 
"Unter  den  Linden"  in  Berlin ! 

Aliens — aliens,  mes  cher  gargons ! 

Mon  grand-grand-grand-pere — eh,  bein ! 
He  vas  le  grand  Napoleon 

Et  la  mere,  elle — sa  fille  de  chambre ; 
La  quelle? — parbleu  ! — une  dans  le  nombre. 

Helas,  mon  mauvais  violon, 

De  trop  he  sing  an'  bust  hees  string 

En  cette  fandango-Mexicain-quadrille. 
Bientot  je  quit  cet  counteree; 

Eet  geet  trop  tarn  big  hot  pour  moi. 

Avec  mon  Oncle,  pore  Jeem  Hill, 
Longtemps  nous  cam  de  Montreal 
Pour  aller  pecher  en  ville  Sang  Paul. 
Jeem  ketch  ze  sucker  an'  ketch  ze  gold ; 
Mais  je  stan'  roun'  an'  ketch  ze  cold. 

A  pied  je  voyage  a    AVinnipeg 

Pour  dompter  chevaux  et — rompre  mon  leg. 

Mon  Oncle  Jeem — mon  cher  ami — 
II  bin  tojours  si  bon  to  me, 
Et  plein  de  Chretienne  charite — 
Si  tot  it  cam  le  traineau  frost 
He  send  me  dix  sous  par  la  poste. 

Je  pay  twelf  sous  impots  on  cette  lettre — 
Et  tout  de  suite — mon  leg  ees  better. 
Alors  je  punch  la  vache,  py  gar, 

An'  tweest  ze  ranch  steer  on  ze  tail, 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  383 


Whilst  Oncle  Jeem,  in  hees  gran'  car, 
Boss  hees  own  cinq-mille  mile  de  fer, 
An'  rides  ze  Nordouest  on  ze  rail. 

Pour  thirty  year,  o  mas,  helas, 

Parfois  j'ai  monte  ze  brake-beam  bar, 
Mais  jamais  je  n'ai  pas  ketch  une  "passe." 
Un  tarn  I  pay  mon  billet-fare 
Du  Lac  du  Diable,  en  caboose-cair, 
Jusqu'a  Sang  Paul  on  Jeem  Hill's  rail, 
An'  bring  heem  big  bag  duck  an'  quail. 
He  tank  me  plenty  done,  by  gar, 
An'  gif  me  un  cinq-sou  cigar. 

Eh  bien!  pourquoi  je  bin  si  pore? 
I  stan'  aroun'  tout  mes  boux  jours, 
Pendant  que  Jeem  Hill  ketch  millions  more. 

Je  bin  trois  ans  in  Mejico; 

Je  punch  les  vaches  et  les  chevres ; 
An'  some  tarn  les  autres  animaux. 

I  like  I  stay  in  ce  pays  forevers, 
Mais — Crac  ! — Hell  go  poppin'  in  Mexico ! 

Bronco  Bill: 

Now,  Yaqui  Jack,  jist  take  a  whack: 
Yerk  yer  serape  overcoat, 

Tip  yer  pig-skin  uf  ole  mescal 

Tu  clear  yer  eyes  a'  wash  yer  throat, 
An'  sing  yer  song  uf  the  mountin-goat. 

Yaqui  Jack: 

Vaqueros  galopandos : 
No  habl   Espan', 

O  Francais  Dutch,  o  Yankee  slan'; 


384  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Yo  'sto  un  Toltec-Yaqui  man. 

Un  tan  yo  march  a  Mazatlan, 
En  Breech-ban,  descalzo — ze  bes  I  can; 

Pero  no  ketch  me  mucho  Espan'. 
Yo  'sto  un  Toltec-Yaqui  man — 

Bastante  buen  por  pobre  mi; 

So  yo  canto  Toltec-Quiche. 

Quetzalcoatl,  Nahuatlacatl — 

Toltecatl  log  Tolatatl 
Batl  Tulatatl  og  Chula-atl : 

Quiche  al  Quatematl, 
Con  cabraotl  log  Cochinillotl, 

Wiggl  log  woggl  dan  Yucatan. 

Chinatchapi,  Japatchapi  y  Chinookachapi, 

Datl  com  squatl  en  Tenoclan. 

Bombitl  com  atl  ze  Spanish  man — 

Cortethatl  con  fuego  y  rattl. 
Mochtezuma  bogl  an'  wogl  an'  dogl, 

An  Corteth  ketch  ze  Aztec  Ian'. 

Porfirio  Diaz — gran'  Dios  de  Aztecatl — 
Make  Anahuac  un  gran'  Countree — 

Cabras,  carneros  an'  plenty  fat  cattle, 

Ferrocarriles,  minas  de  oro  y  de  plata : 

Yo  ketch  plenty  wild  goat  in  Sierra  Madre, — 
An'  paz  an'  pesos,  de  pe  a  pa,  en  mi  countree. 

Pero  Roosterbelt  fight  hees  tsetse-fly  battl, 

An'  kill  all  ze  leons  en  Africo; 
Dotl  he  cam  back  con  hees  big  brass-bans, 
An'  blood  on  hees  eye,  an'  hees  nose,  an'  hees 

hans, 
And  holler  an'  rattl  an'  punch  ze  cattl, 

An'  hell  go  a-poppin'  en  Amerigo. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  385 


Pronto  Popocatepetl  bile  hees  big  kittl : 

Aquel  big  snake,  Quetzalcoatl, 
He  cock  up  hees  tail  an  rattl  hees  rattl, 
An'  he  an'  Mexitl  jomp  out  uf  zet  kittl, 

An'  hell  com  a-poppin  en  Mejico. 

Johnny  Crapaud : 

Bullee,  Yaqui ! — ecore — encore ! 

Je  hear  ce  chant  no  more  before, 
Mais  j'ai  ketch  ze  Chinachapi  en  le  Tehachepi, 
An'   see   plenty  Japachapi  dans  la  ville  de   Los 
Angelee. 

Et  plus  des  jackassapi  sur  tout  le  counteree. 
En  Toltac  et  Aztac,  et  tout  cet  la  Quiche-quac, 

Ce  Yaqui  Jack,  nous  tous  ve  know  eet — 
II  est  le  chef — le  tete-pop  poete. 

Bet  you  dix  sous  you  deedn't  know  it — 
Mon  oncle  Jeem  Hill  est  un  gran'  poete. 

II  chante  son  jubilaire  Chant  du  Rail, 
Comme  un  rossignol  ou  la  matin  caille. 
Eh!  je  smell  mescal  en  cette  pig-skin  bottle! 
Mais — yimminee  kreips — ou  est  cette  go-at? 

Un  tarn  je  clam  Popocatepetl, 

Pour  ketch  un  condor  an'  fry  mon  kettle; 
Je  no  ketch  le  condor,  mais  he  ketch  me ; 

La  poudre  no  go  en  mon  ole  fusil 
Longtemps  we  fight;  je  bleed  plus  little; 

He   smash   mon  flacon  d'eau-de-vie — 
Je  ketch  une  plume ;  bientot,  amis, 

Je  saute  a  bas  sans  fusil  an'  kittle : 
Je  sauve  une  piece  de  chemise  on  mon  breast, 

Et  la  front-piece  du  mon  pantalon — 
He  ketch  ze  rest. 


386  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


Bronco  Bill : 

Nu,  Broder  Knute's  yer  turn  tu  toot; 
Pul  uf  yer  durn  ole  dog-skin  coat, 
An'  sing  a  song  er  ride  the  goat. 

Broder  Knute: 

Min  Ko-Boy  Brodre — een  an'  all — 

Jeg  takker  eder,  stor  an'  smaa ; 
Nu,  sukkrer  op  det  alkohol ; 

Saa  synger  jeg  min  god  Norsk  sang, 
No  mer  as  ti  ski-hopper  lang. 

Naa  jeg  bin  hort  fra  Nord  Dakoter's 
Round-Op  af  dem  Svenske  voters — 
Dem  sheep-coat,  agerkultur  pioneers. 

De  bin  fuld  af  tricks  in  politics ; 
De  malk  de  ko  an'  malk  de  steers. 

De  spotte  de  Nowidgeon; 

De  got  a  slem  religion ; 
De  syng'  ole  Psalms  an'  Sagas, 

An  'raise  hell  an'  ruta-bagas. 

De  lid'  ze  smell  af  ole  gaas-grease, 
De  lid'  ze  smel  af  whiskee  strang, 

De  lid'  ze  smel  af  Limburg-cheese, 
Men,  not  ze  smel  af  Norske  sang. 

"Don't  yer  wanter  work  for  Jesus?" 
Said  the  preacher  to  Ole  Rob. 

"Nay,  ay  tank  nat,  meester  Priester 
Ay  gota  better  yob  ; 

Ay  eta  min  pore  syster ; 
Ay  werk  fer  Badger  Bob." 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  387 


Nu,  brodre  Boys,  I  gif  min  word ; 

Jeg  bin  born  ved  det  samm  Norskland  Fjord, 

Og  in  det  samm  ole  slot — Bilskirner, 

Hvor  min  stor  Stamfader  Thor, 
Der  fight  det  Midgard-Slang'  var  born — 

Seks  tusind  aar  og  mer  siden. 

He  var  staerker  end  fern  hundred  men ; 

He  slog  det  big  brun  bar — Bjorn 
Der  weigh  ti  tusind  pund  og  mer; 
He  crack  hans  skal  med  hees  big  Hammer, 
An'  tog  de  skind  for  hees  Sove-kammer. 

Jeg  ketch  ze  bars  een  gang  i  hjorne 
Med  hjelpe  af  min  magisk  Norn, 

An'  slog  minselv  en  dusin  bjorne. 
Da  jeg  var  netop  seks  aar  old, 

An'  de  vejr  det  var  snappen  cold. 

Nu,  Poys,  I  toot  min  Hulder-horn, 
An'  "bunch"  de  catties  for  de  Lord. 

Min  stamfadre  sail  fra  Noraway 

Down  til  de  Zuyder  Zee,  Min  Herr; 

De  var  Vikings  old  an'  fighters  bold, 
Ez  ever  sailed  de  sea,  min  Herr. 

For  de  var  fed  on  spruce-bark  bread, 
On  stok-fisk  an'  bar-grease,  sar. 

Der'  haar  var  red ;  the  life  de  led 
Var  rovin'  on  the  seas,  sar. 

De  var  ten  fut  tall,  an'  over  all 

A  bar-skin  til  the  thighs,  sar; 
Der'  legs  var  bar,  except  the  haar 

Fra  der'  toe-nails  til  der'  eyes,  Min  Herr. 


388  COW-BOY    BALLADS 


De  struck  a  calm  at  Amsterdam, 

An'  tog  she-Dutch  tu  wife,  sar; 
Som  af  'em  settled  Rutterdam, 

An'  rutted  all  der'  life,  Min  Herr. 

Med  big  bar-traps  an'  Danemark  dogs 
De  ketch  vild  Irish  in  der'  bogs ; 

De  skind  an'  tog  der'  hairy  pelts 
For  bench-rugs  in  der'  Aeger-Sal. 

De  fit  the  Briton  an'  the  Gaul, 
De  robbed  the  Saxon  an'  the  Celt, 

An'  det  biggest  fightin'  cock  af  all — 
Hees  nom  var  Tiddig  Roosterbelt. 

Nu,  sukkrer  op  det  alkohol; 

Must  haf  free  sukker  for  det  water — 
Saa  yer  vill  see  de  voters  all 

Run  fer  det  sukker  in  det  water, 
An'  hor  de  womens  all,  an'  de  babies  squall, 

For  min  Onkel  Knute  in  Minnesoter. 

Ve'll  keep  den  tariff- on  det  corn, 

On  wheat  an'  meat,  turnups  an'  taters, 

On  sheepskin  coats,  on  sheeps  an'  goats, 

An  "militants"  in  petticoats, 

An'  svin  an'  ko's  en  ether  craturs. 

Ellers  our  pore  farmer  go  forlorn, 
An'  live  on  shucks,  fer  dem  "Canucks" 

Vill  send  en  army  af  invaders, 

Med  vogn-loads  af  sod  pelaters 

An'  corn,  bananas,  an'  garden-trucks. 

An'  hens  an'  geese  an'  Switzer  cheese, 
Turkies  in  flocks  an'  eider-ducks; 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  389 


An'  pork  an'  beans,  sardines  an'  greens, 

An'  dem  new  harvester  machines — 
Det  "International"  ketch-em-all 
Det  mak  de  turifT-tinkers  squall. 

Og  logs  an'  lum'er  an'  ice  all  summer, 
On  skies  an'  skates,  bob-sleds  an'  vogns; 

An'  plenty  French  girls  on  toboggans, 
Med  bob-tail  cats  an'  coctail  hats, 

An'  smirks  an'  smiles  an'  teats-fer-tats ; 
Med  maple-sukker  an'  apple-jelly, 

An'  all  god  tings  for  back  an'  belly. 

Saa  de  pore  farmer — what  he  do 

But  help  hees  fro  to  malk  de  ko? 
Ja,  ve  skall  keep  det  turiff  on, 
Eller  all  our  penge  soon  be  gone ; 
An'  saa  ve  swoller  bitter  pill. 

Ve  bedre  keep  det  turiff  on ; 

(Men  af  det  sukker — cut  'eem  all, 
An'  af  det  Svenske  alkohol) ; 

Saa  eef  ve  got  som  peng'  to  spill, 
It  bedre  be  for  charitee, 

An'  gif  it  all  til  pore  Jim  Hill. 

Nu,  brodre  all,  komm  till  Sankt  Fowl, 
On  det  nex  "Round-Op" — een  an'  all — 
Det  bin  min  "Round-Op" — jeg  bin  dar ; 
Det  bin,  I  tenk,  nex  fall  fern  arr ; 

Da  vill  ve  mak  os  blenty  cheer 
Med  stokfisk,  sur-kaal  an'  bok-beer. 

Saa  ve  round-op  dem  sheeps  agen. 
Farvel — Amen ! 


390  COW-BOY    BALLADS 

The   Editor 

(Bronco  Bill) 

Thar  is  a  great  big  little  man 

Sits  on  a  paper  throne; 
An'  winks,  an'  blinks,  an'  thinks  he  thinks, 

An'  lords  it  all  alone. 

He  sits  in  his  sanctorum, 

The  high  cock-cockalorum ; 
An'  he  wars  a  paper  crown, 

An'  a  sprig  uf  sweet  marjoram, 
An'  a  suit  uf  "hand-me-down." 

He  runs  the  Daily  Dribblets, 
Er  prehaps  the  Weakly  Times: 

The  "devil"  writes  his  "locals," 
An'  a  shop-wash  writes  his  rhymes. 

He  prints  a  lot  uf  tittle-tat, 
An'  fakes  an'  "interviews"; 

He  wars  a  "wireless"  in  his  hat, — 
Thar  he  gits  his  "Latest  News." 

In  this  yer  war  he's  Chief  uf  Staff: 
He  keeps  both  sides  advancin', 
King  Albert  bravo  prancin', 
Huntin'  his  "last  ditch"  tu  die  in, 

An'  bellerin'  like  a  calf. 

The  Paree  Beau  Monde  is  dancin' 
While  "Les  Miserables"  air  cryin', 

An'  Ole  Hingland's  'alf-an"alf. 


COW-BOY    BALLADS  391 


He  keeps  the  bomb-birds  flyin,' 
An'  the  wily  Japs  expansin' 

In  a  flamin'  paragraph  ! 
Wider  Wilson's  daft  financin' ; 

Bryan's  swillin'  She-talky-gaff  ; 
An'  ole  Petrograb's  romancin' 

Till  it  makes  der  Kaiser  laff. 

An'  thet  thar  great  big  little  man 
With  his  sizzers  an'  his  pen, 

Imagins  thet  he  made  the  Lord, 
An'  then  the  Lord  made  men. 

He's  jist  a  pouch  uf  greed  an'  grouch; 

He  feeds  on  "puff"  an'  pelf ; 
He  bites  a  lot  uf  ether  fools, 

An'  of'en  bites  his-self. 

When  pollytics  gits  bilin'  hot, 
Thet  great  "I  am"  lets  loose ; 

He  sicks  the  curs  an'  grabs  the  "pot," 
An'  runs  the  hul  "caboose." 

Ef  yer  wud  please  thet  ortercrat, 

An'  make  'im  kinder  kind, 
Jist  tickle  his  bulk  uf  wind  an'  fat, 

An'  lick  his  pants — behind. 

Er  better  still — his  pockets  fill 
Ontil  they  bust  the  bands : 

But  still — behind — yer'll  allus  find 
Tew  open,  itchin'  hands. 

September  20,  1914. 


392  RHYMES 


Pore  Little  Willie 

(Written  in  reply  to  a  personal  attack  on  the  author  by 

the  editor  of  the in  the  Presidential 

Campaign  of  1872.} 

What  is  the  matter  with  Willie? 

He's  ez  fretful  ez  he  kin  be; 
Look  tu  his  diapers,  Hanner, 

An'  give  'im  sum  catnip  tea. 

Let  'im  rattle  his  leetle  tin-rattle, 

An'  toot  on  his  leetle  tin-horn; 
He'z  allus  rattled  an'  tooted,  yer  know, 

Since  the  day  thet  he  war  born. 

Pore  little  Willie  is  teethin'— 

An'  I  guess  he'z  got  wtims  in  'im,  too ; 

Give  'im  sum  vermifuge,  Hanner, 
An'  stop  his  etarnal  boo-hoo. 

Don't  scold  the  pore  little  feller; 

Yer'll  frighten  'im  out  uf  his  wits : 
He's  so  fretful  an'  colicy,  Hanner, 

I'm  afeard  he  will  fall  intu  fits. 

Run  fer  sum  sweet  paregoric, 

An'  sum  wormwood  an'  sirup  an'  sich, 

An' — don't  yer  fergit  it  now,  Hanner — 
Bring  'im  a  salve  fer  the  itch. 

Pore  little,  dear  little  Willie ! 

He's  ez  fretful  ez  he  kin  be ; 
Change  his  diapers,  Hanner, 

An'  give  'im  sum  catnip  tea. 


RHYMES  393 


Quips  and  Quirks 
(From  the  Minneapolis  Tribune,  Jan.  20,  1886.) 

At  mine  host's — Mr.  Clark's* — t'other  day,  in  this 

city, 
Two   lawyers    that    think   themselves    learned    and 

witty, 

Came  in  and  sat  down  at  a  table  to  dine, 
With  their  guests  from  the  bar  and  the  bench — 

number — nine ; 
An  began  to  crack  jokes  with  the  crack  of  the  wine. 

Said  John :    "Brother  Will,  it's  a  terrible  pity 
You  haven't  a  mouthful  of  Bacon  or  Chitty." 
"You've  more  blather  than  Blackstone,"  said  Willie 

to  Johnny, 
"But  no  Coke  in  your  cocoanut; — isn't  it  funny?" 

Said  Johnny  to  Willie :  "You're  so  in  a  hurry, 
You  babble  of  murrain  and  think  it  is  Murray ; 
When  you  have  a  case  of  divorce,  you  will  fish  up 
A  text  from  the  Parsons  instead  of  the  Bishop, 
Or  else  from  a  digest  you'll  make  a  blind  grab  o't, 
And   forsake   your   good   Bishop   and    run   to    the 

Abbott. 

If  you'll  not  take  the  law,  here's  a  bit  of  advice, 
In  very  good  Lat'n,  at  a  very  low  price: 
Ut  canis  e  Nilo  de  mensa  stultorum; 
De  tana  caprina  per  morem  ma  jorum; 
Dum  vivimus  vivamus  de  malis  malorum." 

BROTHER  WILL  : 

"You  uncivil  cit — you  quote  Barbour's  Reports? 

That's  barbarous,  indeed,  sir,  in  civilized  courts ; 
•Caf6. 


394  RHYMES 


And  'Common  Reports'?  why,  you  know  they're  all 

lies,  sir, 

And  just  made  to  order,  and  all  of  Assize,  sir. 
Brother  John,  you're  a  quaere;  whenever  you  quote 
'Hog-latin,'  you  grunt  and  you  squeal  like  a  Choate ; 
You've  nothing  but  wit,  sir,  that  isn't  exempt 
From  a  fi-fa' — fe,  fo,  fum,  and  that's  in  contempt. 
I'll  quo   tu  some   Greek,  if  you'll  just  hold  your 

temper : 

'In  vinoque  verba,  non  veritas  semper; 
Crede  quod  habes  et  habe  quod  credes — 
You  will  get  your  meat  here — your  desert,  John,  in 
Hades." 

BROTHER  JOHN  : 

"You've  a  fowl  on  your  plate,  and  a  score  in  the  gaol ; 
You'll  get  plum-pudding  here  and  a  roast  in  sheol ; 
You'll  never  get  out  and  get  up  into  heaven, 
Unless  you  are  Tooke  with  a  writ  of  replevin. 
You've  a  Wait  for  your  practice  and  a  wait  for  a  fee, 
And  your  briefs  are  as  brief  as  the  tail  of  a  flea ; 
The  only  complaint  you  have  writ  is — they  say — 
A  complaint  that  the  practice  of  law  doesn't  pay." 

BROTHER  WILL: 

"My  answer,  dear  John,  I  will  serve,  to  your  pleas: 
When  your  'bettors  take  snuff,  you  are  certain  to 

sneeze ; 

And  your  clients,  alas !  they  get  always  a  'pinch' 
From  a  judge  on  the  bench  or  his  Honor — Judge 

Lynch. 

BROTHER  JOHN  : 

Your  answer,  dear  Will?  Why,  you  never  defend  it; 
You're  always  a-mending  and  never  amend  it ; 
Your  prayer  for  relief  is  remarkably  funny; 


RHYMES  395 


It's  always  a  prayer  for  a  little  more  money. 
In  reply,  I  deny  all  the  facts  in  your  answer, 
And  then  let  you  prove  'em,  bedad,  if  you  can,  sir. 

BROTHER  WILL  : 

Poor  John,  you  are  lacking  in  Latin  and  laws, 
You  file  a  few  pleas  and  a  lot  of  old  sazvs; 
In  the  court  of  correction  you're  ever  in  error, 
And  your  clients  are  always  in  jail  or  in  terror. 
You  seldom  appeal  from  the  judges'  decrees, 
But  you're   always   appealing,   my  boy, — for  your 

fees. 
Your   friends   shake  their  heads  at  your  growing 

condition : 
They'll  apply  to  the  court  for  the  writ  "prohibition." 

BROTHER  JOHN  : 

To  your  quirks  and  your  quibbles  I  cry  ignoramus! 
(Perhaps    that's    the    reason,   my   boy,    why   men- 

dam-us) 

You  will  certainly  go  to  the  gaol  of  old  "Harry," 
And  you'll  never  get  out  on  a  certiorari. 

BROTHER  WILL  : 

Ah,  Johnny,  you  flounder,  and  puff  like  a  "porpus" ; 

.  But  can't  I  slip  out  on  a  habeas  corpus? 

And  you,  Brother  John,  with  a  few  "imps"  to 
rally  by, 

Would  swear  yourself  clear  out  of  hell — with  an 
alibi. 

Your  wife  says  your  clients  are  thieves.  I  be- 
lieve 'er, 

And  you  are  appointed,  exparte — receiver. 

Your  case  is  a  hard  one,  poor  Johnnie,  I  see ; 

When  Rum  is  on  trial  you're  aye  referee. 

You're  familiar  with  Jarman  on  Lager — not  Wills; 


396  RHYMES 


You  stand  at  the  bar;  but  you  ne'er  pay  the  bills: 
When   you   rum-sack   revolts,   John,   just    for   our 

delectment, 

You  swear  you  have  taken  a  writ  of  ejectment. 
I  affirm,  Brother  John,  if  you  haven't  compunction, 
We'll  apply  to  the  court  for  a  writ  of  injunction. 

BROTHER  JOHN  : 

O,  Shawlf  all  your  jokes  are  far-fetched  and  awry, 

Bill; 
If  you  don't  stop  your  slander  I'll  sue  you  for  libel. 

BROTHER  WILL  : 

Let's  quit  this  ad  hominem  and  come  to  ad  rem; 
Ex  vino  fit  nil, — ignoramus  pro  tern. 
I  won't  say  a  word  of  your  wig  or  your  wench, 
But  what  do  you  think  of  the  "bulls"  on  the  bench  ? 

BROTHER  JOHN  : 

There's  an  old  one,  my  boy,  but  the  "sprigs"  call 

him  young ;\ 

He's  sometimes  in  doubt  as  the  case  drags  along. 
And  the  pris'ner  escapes  while  the  jury  is  "hung." 
At  Nisi  he's  often  too  prone  to  afflict  a 
Poor  "limb  of  the  law"  with  his  obiter  dicta; 
When  he  settles  a  case  on  appeal  from  the  trial, 
He'll  "cure"  all  his  errors  or  file  a  denial: 
But  when  he  takes  time  to  write  out  a  decision, 
He  seldom  leaves  flaws  for  a  court  of  revision. 
And  there  is  another  I'll  name  very  soon ; 
He's  as  quick  as  a  cat  and  as  shrewd  as  a  coon;* 
If  you've  got  a  bad  case  he  will  "bust  your  balloon." 
And  you  might  as  well  talk  to  the  man  in  the  moon. 

An'  "Lord  High  Chancellor" ,  with  that  shock 

of  red  "har" ? 

tJudge  Shaw. 
{Judge  Young. 
•Judge  Koon. 


RHYMES  397 


He  thinks  he's  the  Tsar  of  the  Bench  and  the  Bar. 

BROTHER  WILL: 

I  agree,  but,  my  boy,  if  you're  down  on  "bed  rock," 
With   a   case-hardened   case    for   a   sledge-hammer 

knock, 

Waive  a  jury,  my  son,  and  go  try  the  old  "lock,"^ 
He's  a  terror  on  stilts  when  your  goose  is  a  gander, 
And  he  knocks  all  the  verdicts  for  libel  and  slander, 
"De  facto,"  he  says,  "I'm  the  judge  and  de  jure; 
If  your  verdict  is  wrong,  why,  bedad,  I  will  cure  'e. 

BROTHER  JOHN  : 

Ah,  Will,  we  forget,  but  we  must  not  be  partial, 
Our    judges    are,    none    of    them,    Mansfield    or 

Marshall ; 

But  remember  the  court  where  our  vagabonds  daily 
Get  their  dose  of  "ten  days"  at  the  coop  of  "Old 

Bailey  ;"J 

Where  Paddy,  so  full  that  he's  fuddled  and  funny, 
Swears,  "Oi  jist  tuk  wan  drop,  sor,  yer  Honor,  Me 

Honey"  ; 
But  he  goes   to  the  "coop,"   or  "forks  over"  the 

money. 

But  it's  time  we  were  trotting ;  our  case  will  be  called, 
And  our  clients,  as  usual,  my  boy,  will  be — sold. 

BROTHER  WILL: 

Ah,  John,  you're  a  punster ;  we've  had  such  a  junket 

If  our  case  is  "passed  down,"  why,  we'll  munc  et 
pro  tune  it. 

Good  day,  Mr.  Clark;  please  relieve  your  peti- 
tioners, 

And — uh — send  in  your  bill — to  the  county  com- 
missioners. 

fJudge  Lochren,  familiarly  called   "Loch." 
JJudge  Bailey  of  the  Municipal  Court. 


398  RHYMES 


"Belgium's  Capital" 
( 1914 — Byronic) 

"There  was  a  sound  of  revelry  by  night, 
And  Belgium's  capital  had  gathered  then 
Her  beauty  and  her  chivalry,  and  bright 
The  lamps  shone  o'er  fair  women  and  brave  men." 
"Music  arose  with  its  voluptuous  swell," 
"And  all  went  merry  as  a  marriage-bell;" 
"But  hush ! — hark !  a  deep  sound  strikes  like  a  rising 
knell !" 

"On  with  the  dance ! — let  joy  be  unconfmed," 
But — Ah  ! — Germania's  serried   legions  come 
With  blare  of  bugles  and  the  bray  of  drum ! 
"On  with  the  dance !" — Britannia  is  behind  ! 
"On  with  the  dance  !" — the  Kaiser  is  before ; 
His  iron  legions  thunder  at  the  door ! 
The  wine-cups  crash  upon  the  wetted  floor, — 
"Arm ! — arm ! — it  is — it  is — the  cannon's  opening 
roar!" 

"Ah !  then  and  there  was  hurrying  to  and  fro, 
And  gathering  tears,  and  tremblings  of  distress, 
And  cheeks  all  pale,  which  but  an  hour  ago 
Blushed"  with  the  glow  of  painted  loveliness. 

His  new  pink  pants  King  Albert  split  and  tore : 
They  jumped  out  at  the  windows — belle  and  dame, 
Some  full  of  beer, — some  full  of  "Dutch  champagne ;" 
Some  tore  their  hair, — some  tore  their  petticoats ; 
Some  prayed,  —  some  puked:  bedizened  hoos-vromvs 

swore 

They  never  would  drink  British  beer  again ; 
And  they  all  scampered  like  a  flock  of  goats. 

September  i, 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        399 


Irish  Bulls  and  Irish  Wit. 

He  is  a  bold  man  who  would  claim  absolute  originality  of  thought 
in  literature  to-day.  In  many  of  the  following  I  hare  made  new  clothes 
out  of  old  cloth.  Such  as  I  claim  original,  in  thought  or  expression,  I 
have  marked  with  a  *. — H.  L.  G. 


Mrs.  Finnegan  in  Police  Court,  City  of  New  York 

Trial  of  Patrick  O'Donnell  for  assault  and  battery 
on  Jimmy  O'Neal. 

Mrs.  Finnegan  called  by  the  prosecuting  attorney 
and  sworn  to  "Tell  the  Truth,  the  whole  Truth,  and 
nothing  but  the  Truth." 

Attorney:  "What  is  your  name,  where  do  you  re- 
side and  what  is  your  occupation?" 

Witness:  "Me  ful  name  do  be  Mary  Maggie  Fin- 
negan-Finnegan,  sor.  Oi  wuz  barn  a  Finnegan  and  Oi 
married  a  Finnegan,  so  me  thrue  name  be  Finnegan- 
Finnegan,  sor,  an'  wan  av  the  cilebated  Finnegans  av 
His-story.  Whin  Misther  Lowe,  the  janitory  prefissor 
av  Columbus  College,  an'  wan  av  the  mosht  illitherary 
schollards  in  the  wor-ruld,  sor,  wuz  mayor  av  New 
Yark,  Oi  gin'  'im  tin  dollars  te  hunt  up  me  family 
geology  in  the  besht  geogramous  an'  biologus  books 
on  the  ea-arth,  sor,  an'  Oi  hev  his  raypoort  undher  his 
own  signatory  an'  the  office  sale  av  Columbus  Cullege, 
sor,  an'  July  attisted  be  Pisident  Rosyvelt,  the  mosht 
notoribus  an'  extinguished  auto-biogramisht  barn  in 
thish  land  av  America,  sor,  barin'  prefissor  Pay  Tay 
Barnum  an'  Widy  Wilson.  And  the  raypoort  sez  thot 
in  France  the  Finnegans  do  be  called  monstoors 
Finney-gin  de  Finney-gin.  Yez  see  a  few  Finnegans 
wint  te  France  wid  King  James  afther  the  batthle  av 
the  B'yne,  sor.  In  the  Naderlands  they  do  be  called 
(the  rinnegates)  Mynn  Herr  Finneygin  van  Flunker- 
dam,  becaze  a  few  Oirishmin  flunked  over  te  Prints 


400       IRISH  BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


Willyum,  but  they  do  be  bogus,  an'  tuck  the  name  av 
Finnegan  becaze  it  wuz  notorius,  sor,  the  wor-rld  over. 
In  Jarmanee  they  do  be  all  noblemons,  sor,  an'  be  titled 
Barren  Vinnegan  Von  Vinnegan  von  Kartoffelen,  an' 
they  do  be  Stadholders  on  ther  fa-arms,  an'  hev 
castles  an'  vineyards  on  the  Rhine,  an'  anether  river 
notorius  in  poethry  an'  song,  called  Eyesore.  In  Spain 
and  Port-your-gal  an'  Ithaly  they  do  be  called  Senoras 
del — dello — do — dom  it,  Oi  fergit! — Oi  shud  ha'  brot 
Prefissor  Lowe's  jannylog  raypoort  wid  me. 

Oi  do  be  hevin'  me  risidince  in  the  Bowery  be  farty 
wan  farty  wan,  sor,  an'  Oi  do  be  the  proprietary  an  the 
dispinsary  av  "The  Ould  Bog"  saloon,  sor,  wid  a  foine 
restor-runt  in  the  rear,  an'  privy  rooms  fer  gintlemin 
an'  la-aydies  up  stairs,  sor,  wid  illegant  picturs  av 
Prize-Foights  an'  booty-ful  gur-ruls  in  the  state  av 
natur,  sor;  an'  all  for  the  binefit  av  the  besht  gintle- 
min an'  la-aydies  av  New  Yark  an'  a  free-lunch  counter 
in  the  saloon,  sor,  frum  twilve  te  wan  o'clock  av  the 
day,  wid  plinty  av  pickles  an'  saurkraut  an'  pippersass 
an'  a  schnitt  av  beer,  at  foive  cints  a  lunch.  Iverybody 
know  me  place,  sor,  fer  there  be  a  foine  cairved  civil- 
ated  Injun  outside  wid  a  pipe  in  his  mout,  an'  a  bottle 
av  Dublin  ale  in  wan  hand  an'  a  joog  av  Ould  Oirish 
Tay  in  the  ether,  sor ;  an'  ye  can't  find  a  betther  place 
fer  aitin'  an'  dhrinkin'  onywhere,  sor, — at  the  Wool- 
dope  Ass-story  Hotel  er  Delmonico's  er  ony  ether  place 
in  New  Yark.  Yis,  sor,  an'  Delmonico  his-self  whin  he 
be  hungered,  cooms  te  the  "Ould  Bog"  fer  a  free  lunch 
an'  a  waltz  wid  the  gur-ruls  up-stairs,  an'  " 

The  Court  (smiling)  :  "That  will  do,  Mrs.  Finnegan. 
Ask  her  another  question." 

Attorney:  "What  do  you  know  about  the  fight  near 
your  saloon  between  O'Donnell  and  O'Neal?" 

Witness:  "Oi  knows  all  av  it,  sor,  frum  the  firsht  bat 


IRISH  BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT       401 


te  the  lasht  round  whin  Jimmy  O'Nale  wuz  knocked 
clane  over  the  ropes — Oi  mane  the  curb — sor, — an'  tin 
fut  inty  the  gutther,  sor,  wid  a  bludy  mug  an'  foor 
lumps  ez  big  ez  geese-aigs  on  his  head,  an'  his  shirt 
tared  aff  av  'im  intoirely  an'  hangin'  in  rags  on  his 
back,  sor,  an'  wan  av  his  trousy-laigs  remaining'  on  the 
walk  an'  the  ether  hangin'  on  his  fut,  an'  etherwise 
delappydated  an'  disfiggered  fer  life,  sor,  an'  all  the 
b'ys  in  the  Bowery,  an'  mosht  av  the  gur-ruls,  hootin' 
an'  laughin'  at  the  pore  mon,  sor,  an'  a  pelacemon 
whackin'  'im  wid  his  billy,  sor,  becase  he  wudn't  fer 
he  cudn't  git  up  on  his  fate  an'  walk  te  the  jail,  sor ;  an' 
the  rayporthers  coom  a-roonin'  wid  ther  stiruptegons 
an'  tuck  photograbs  av  the  scane  fer  the  pa-apers.  An' 
by-by,  the  "Black  Maria"  coom  an'  carted  'im  aff.  sor, 
te  be  put  inty  jail  an'  fined  fer  kapin'  the  pace  wid  wan 
oye  an'  thray  tathe  knocked  out.  Now,  sor,  Oi  do  nat 
casht  no  implemintations  on  the  pelace  foorce,  fer  me 
son  Tim  an'  ivery  dacent  Oirishmon  in  New  Yark, 
above  aytane  years  an'  a  Dimecrat,  be  on  the  foorce, 
sor;  an'  they  all  do  be  honesht  min  the  mosht  av  the 
toime,  sor,  an'  loyal  te  the  head  Snatchem  av  Harmony 
Hall,  aspecially  whin  a  grane-horn  cooms  in  frum 
Oyster  Bay,  er  New  Jarsey  er  "up-state,"  er  the  "Nut- 
meg," an'  axes  a  cop  where  te  go  te  see  "the  lights  av 
New  Yark"  an'  spind  his  money.  An'  me  son  Tim  an1 
all  his  frinds  on  the  foorce,  brings  'im  doon  te  me 
place,  sor,  te  spind  his  money.  But  ef  he  "bucks  up" 
an'  woon't  go  they  knocks  'im  doon  wid  a  billy  on 
the  side-walk,  sor,  an'  arrists  'im  fer  layin'  thar  an' 
obstructin'  the  United  States  mails  an'  ether  passengers, 
an'  takes  'im  aff  te  the  Toombs  an'  the  pelace  coort  te 
pay  the  income  tax  an'  spind  his  money.  Mosht  av 
'em  cooms  along  paceful-loike  te  the  "Ould  Bog" 
an'  stays  all  night  ef  they  do  be  hevin'  plinty  av  money 


402        IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT 


an'  tinder  hearts  an'  the  crowd  wuz  cheerin'  O'Donnell 
an'  fillin'  'im  up  wid  stale  beer  an'  Cooney  Island  rot- 
gut  vvhusky  in  a  disruptable  saloon  nixt  door  te  me  own 
reptible  "Ould  Bog,"  wid  me  civil-sarvice  Injun  in  the 
front,  pladin'  fer  'em  te  coom  in  an'  spind  ther  money 
in  a  dacent  place,  sor,  an'  " 

Attorney: — "Please  stop,  Mrs.  Finnegan,  and  allow 
me  to  ask  you  another  question :  Did  you  see  all  this 
with  your  own  eyes?" 

Witness: — "Mishter  prostitutin'  attorney,  de  ye 
mane  te  insult  me,  sor,  be  dootin'  me  wor-rd  whin  Oi 
be  swore  on  the  Howly  Bible  wid  a  cross  on  it  te  tell 
the  Thruth,  the  hull  Thruth  an'  naythin'  but  the 
Thruth?  An'  ef  yez  wud  incinerate  thot  Oi  wud  be 
tillin'  a  loi,  sor,  Oi  will  let  yez  know  whut  la-aydy  ye 
be  insultin',  sor;  fer  Oi  can  retrace  be  the  his-tory  av 
Oirland  an'  the  Howly  Bible,  sor,  me  posterity  clane 
back  te  the  grea-at  king  av  Finland  who  reigned  before 
Moses  wuz  bornd  te  Pharaoh's  dauther  in  the  bull- 
rushes,  sor,  in  the  grea-at  an'  fertile  valley  av  the 
Ufratus,  in  Agypt,  sor,  an'  raised  corn  an'  swate 
petates  an'  bandanas  an'  pigs,  sor ;  an'  wonct,  whin  the 
hin-lice  an'  the  locusts  an'  frogs  invagled  the  country, 
sor,  an'  ate  up  iverythin',  sor,  he  did  feed  his  pore 
starvin'  peoples,  sor,  wid  foive  loaves  av  male  an'  two 
fishes  thot  he  cotched  in  the  say,  sor,  an'  he  filled  the 
bellies  av  the  multitude  wid  a  mi-ra-cle,  an'  they  gad- 
dered  up  the  f ragmints  thot  wuz  left,  sor>  an'  they  keept 
his  people  f  rum  starvin'  fer  wan  year  an'  sax  moonths, 
an'  ontil  he  extraminated  the  lice  an'  the  locusts  an* 
the  frogs  wid  the  jaw-bone  av  an  ass  an'  the  help  o' 
Saint  Patherick.  His  name  wuz  King  Jonah :  it  wuz 
him  thot  swallied  the  whale.  An'  his  fayther  helped 
Noah  te  build  the  Airk  av  the  Covenant  at  the  toime  av 
the  Delooge,  sor,  thot  kivered  the  hull  arth  an'  part  av 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        403 


Oirlancl,  sor;  an'  in  a  foight  he  killed  his  brother  Cain, 
sor,  an'  thin  fleed  inty  the  airk  wid  his  brethers  Jay, 
Fit,  wid  a  Ham,  an'  sailed  aff  wid  Noah  an'  the  ether 
animals,  sor ;  an'  they  be  all  saved  f  rum  bein'  drownded. 
An'  at  lasht,  they  do  be  landed  on  the  top  av  Mount 
Ary-rat,  in  Switcherland,  sor,  an'  multeplied  an'  replin- 
ished  the  arth.  An'  his  sons  an'  gran'-sons,  sor,  fit  a 
grea-at  batthle  wid  Julius  Caesar  an'  Hannybal,  sor,  on 
the  top  av  the  Alups,  and'  on'y  the  cry  av  the  wild-gase 
saved  'em  frum  bein'  supprised  in  ther  tints  be  the 
inemy  an'  slaughtered  te  a  mon  be  the  mercy  av  God 
an'  the  mi-racle  av  the  gase.  An'  thot  be  why  the 
Oirish  in  Ould  Oirland  cheerish  the  gase  fer  ther  aigs 
an'  ther  feather-beds  te  this  day,  sor.  An'  so  on  doon 
the  loins  av  me  posterity,  sor,  all  me  forbears  wuz 
Kings  an'  Quanes  till  we  coom  te  Canute,  King  av  Con- 
naught,  in  Oirland,  sor,  who  commandered  the  say  not 
te  tech  'im,  sor,  ez  he  set  on  his  riyal  stule  at  low 
tide  widin  wan  fut  av  the  say-wather  fer  farty  eight 
hours,  sor;  an'  the  say  niver  riz  wan  inch  till  he  tuck 
up  his  stule  an'  walked  away  loike  the  grea-at  King  thot 
he  wuz.  An'  whin  St.  Patherick  an'  Jasus  an'  the 
howly  Virgin  an'  the  Poope  av  Rome  coomed  over  frum 
Palystein  in  Ithaly  te  attind  the  Donnybrook  Fair,  an' 
landed  in  a  snow-sthorm  at  the  mout  av  the  Shannon, 
an'  banished  inty  England  all  the  shnakes  an'  toads  in 
Oirland,  it  wuz  me  own  posterity,  sor,  thot  met  'em  an' 
wilcomed  'em  wid  open  airms,  an'  led  'em  up  te  Lim- 
erick, an'  fed  'em  wid  sannon  an'  frish-wather  a-ales 
frum  the  say,  an'  roasht  pig  an'  ungyons  an'  turn-ups 
an'  goat  milk  an'  lamb-chops  an'  cabbage — fer  thar 
wuz  no  petates  in  thim  days,  sor — ontil  they  wuz  all 
near  te  busht  ther  bellies  wid  foine  atin'  an'  dhrinkin' 
an'  Limerick  ale.  An'  " 

The  Court:     "Now,  Mrs.  Finnegan,  the  court  has 


404        IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT 


heard  enough  of  this  blather,  and  you  must  stop  your 
harangue,  or  I  will  be  compelled  to  fine  you  for  con- 
tempt of  court,  and,  in  default,  commit  you  to  the 
Toombs." 

Witness:  "It  be  blather-harange,  be  it — ye  call 
me?  whin  Oi  do  be  tellin'  the  Thruth  on  me  oath,  sor, 
te  tell  the  Thruth,  the  hull  Thruth  an'  naythin'  but  the 
Thruth,  so  help  me  God,  sor,  an'  Oi  be  tellin'  the 
thruth,  an  Oi  be  goin'  te  tell  the  hull  Thruth  an'  fil-full 
me  oath — so  help  me,  Howly  Jasus  an'  the  Virgin 
Mary,  an'  ye  may  put  thot  in  yer  pipe  an'  shmoke  it! 
Oi  be  not  afeard  av  ony  mon.  Oi  don't  belave  ony 
mon  iver  fales  ony  compunctures  av  conscience  be 
tellin'  the  thruth,  onless  he  hev  committed  adulthery  er 
some  ether  onavideable  crime.  Ef  yer  Honor  an'  the 
prostitutin'  attorney  hould  me  in  sich  contimpt  ez  Oi 
hould  the  both  av  yez,  sind  me  te  the  jail,  ef  ye 
da-a-r-re!  Oi  warn  ye  both,  thot  Oi  hev  a  frind — 
Charlie  Murphy,  the  head  Snatchem  av  Harmony  Hall 
— an'  he  wud  coom  on  a  roon  an  busht  the  dure  an' 
bring  me  out,  an'  impache  both  av  yez,  ez  he  done  fer 
thot  blatherskite  Seltzer — er  Shyster — (which  be  it?) 
— an'  sind  ye  te  Sing-Sing  te  sing  yer  song  av  contimpt 
behind  the  bars  in  a  go-cart.  De  ye  hear  me  ?  Oi  don't 
take  no  insults  frum  nobody  widout  a  foight  fer  me 
ripetation  ez  a  onesht  woman  an',  be  rights  a  quane. 
Me  ould  mon  Finnegan — the  dhrunken  cripple-laigs — 
thried  thot  wonst,  an'  he'll  niver  thry  it  agin,  fer  Oi  guv 
'im  a  clout  on  the  head  wid  a  pick-handle,  an'  he  lay 
shtone-dead  fer  two  days,  an'  we  hild  the  "wake,"  an' 
me  frind  Murphy — Head  Snatchem — wuz  at  the 
"wake,"  and  fayther  Dooley  prayed  and  singed  low 
mass  an'  read  the  Cataclysm,  an'  we  wuz  hevin'  a 
foine  ould  toime  at  the  "wake,"  an'  me  an'  Murphy  an' 
the  praste  dhrunk  all  our  stumicks  cud  hold  av  Dublin 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        405 


Ale  an'  ginewine  Ould  Oirish  Tay,  whin  in  the  middle 
av  the  dance  on  the  second  night — me  an'  Murphy 
waltzin'  thegither — the  ould  mon,  te  our  supprise  an' 
ehay-grin,  riz  up  in  the  box,  an'  axed  fer  a  sup  av 
vvhusky !  Which  saved  me  the  expinse  av  buryin'  'im 
in  the  seminary ; — but  Oi  dunno ! —  Oi  dunno !  Ez  Oi 
wuz  jist  on  the  pint  av  a  remark,  yer  honor  inavartintly 
intheruptured  me  ividince.  Wan  av  the  grea-atest  min 
av  me  posterity  wuz  gineral  Finnegan  McFinnegan, 
nixt  above  gineral  Antrim  in  commond  av  the  gallus 
Oirish  Harse  at  the  grea-at  Batthle  av  B'yne  Wather. 
Whin  the  Frinch  flunkies  an'  King  James  runned 
away  widout  firin'  a  goon,  the  brave  Oirish  Harse  fit 
like  devils  an'  kilt  ivery  mon  thot  wuz  kilt  in  thot 
bludy  batthle  where  tin  tousan'  min  wuz  kilt  on  ache 
side,  an'  shot  the  Prints  av  Lemons — (er  Oranges — 
which  wuz  it?) — in  the  right  airm,  an'  all  so  in  the 
butt-in d  av  'im — his  pistol ;  but  me  grea-at  an' 
<7£-loreous  kinsman,  Gineral  Finnegan  McFinnegan,  at 
lasht,  whilst  coverin'  the  ratrate  av  the  dom  polly- 
troon  Frinch  granny-dears  an'  King  James — (a  traither 
at  hea-art  te  the  Poope) — wuz  kilt  in  the  back  be  a 
gattlin'  goon  er  a  cannonade  in  the  hands  av  wan  av 
thim  Dutch  Ginerals  the  Prints  brung  wid  'im  f  rum  the 
say-swamps  av  Ramsterdam  an'  Rottendam  te  murther 
the  pore  Oirish  Catholics,  ez  he  wuz  defindin'  the  pass 
av  the  bogs  at  Duleck.  An'  ez  he  lay  cold  an'  dead  on 
the  bog,  an'  "bleedin"  at  ivery  pore,"  he  guv  the  Oirish 
war-cry — "Erin-Go-bragh-feriver!" — an'  yilled  te  Gin- 
eral Tyrconnel  at  the  top  av  his  vice — "Give  'em  the 
divil,  Tyr! — give  'em  the  divil!" — an'  rolled  over  an' 
wuz  drownded  in  the  bog,  an'  closed  his  eyes  feriver !" 

The  Court  (laughing):  "Have  you  finished,  Mrs. 
Finnegan  ?" 

Witness:    "Wull — yis,  yer   Honor,   onless   yez   be 


plazed  te  acsipt  me  contimpt  f  er  the  coort,  an'  ax  me  a 
quistion." 

The  Court:  "Now,  Mrs.  Finnegan,  did  you  see  the 
fight,  or  any  part  of  it,  between  O'Donnell  and  O'Neal 
with  your  own  eyes?" 

Mrs.  Finnegan:  "On  me  oath  an'  the  thruth  av 
God,  Oi  do  not,  sor.  Oi  wuz  engaged  wid  me  cush- 
temers,  an'  Oi  heered  naythin'  av  it  till  twinty  minits 
afther  it  wuz  all  done  an'  over,  sor,  an'  Willyum  Jinks 
O'Bryan  cooms  inty  me  saloon  frum  wan  av  his  She- 
talk-away  lecturs,  an'  tells  me  all  about  it,  sor ;  an'  he 
wuz  a  oye-wutness  an'  a-plaudin'  the  foight,  an'  he 
wudn't  dhrink  naythin'  but  foor  quart  bottles  av  grape- 
juice  till  we  puts  'im  up-stairs  in  the  besht  privy 
room  wid  a  nurse-bottle,  and  locked  the  dure  ferninst 
the  rayporthers,  thim  peepin'  tommy-rats,  thot  be  allus 
thryin'  te  peep  inty  the  privy  rooms  av  the  gur-ruls. 
Willyum  an'  Oi  be  war-rum  frins  an'  kin.  His  gran- 
fayther  an'  me  granfayther  wuz  barn  half-brether 
twins  an'  grea-at  frins  in  Ould  Oirland,  sor." 

"Now,  sor,  Oi  hev  told  yez  the  Thruth,  the  hull 
Thruth  an'  naythin'  but  the  Thruth,  so  help  me  God  an' 
howly  Saint  Patherick ! — an'  ef  yez  be  done  wid  me  in- 
toirly  Oi  wull  be  takin'  me  wutness-fees,  plaze."* 


After  a  bloody  fight  with  shillalahs  between  Mike 
and  Tim,  Mike  declared :  "Sure  Oi  hed  the  besht  av 
the  foight.  Oi  do  be  gittin'  on'y  thray  tathe  an'  wan 
eye  knocked  out  an'  Tim  do  be  afther  gittin'  sex  loomps 
on  'is  head  an'  a  bludy  nose."* 
Te  me  dear  f  rind  Pat  Murphy,  Dooly  Street,  Dublin : 

It  be  wid  grea-at  plisure  Oi  axtind  te  yez  a  cord-di-al 
invite  te  attind  the  wake  an'  the  funeral  av  me  dear 
fayther  who  departed  his  sowl  an'  his  body  at  foor  o' 
the  clock  this  morning'  te  be  wan  av  the  bearers  av  the 


IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT        407 


pall.  Be  sure  te  coome  te  the  wake  the  night.  We 
hev  tin  joogs  av  the  "cratur,"  an'  plinty  av  tebaccy, 
sex  roasht  pigs  an'  petates  an'  foor  stone  av  fresh- 
wather  a-als  frum  the  say.  Pat  Dolan  and  Moike 
Nolan  wull  be  prisint  wid  ther  fiddles.  Me  sister  Ellen 
wull  sing  the  "Donnybrook  Fair"  an'  play  a  ragmarole 
on  the  Harp  av  Erin.  Fayther  O'Connel  wull  say 
Hi  Mass  an'  jine  in  the  jigs.  It  wull  be  illegint. 
Coome  betimes,  an'  bring  yer  hornpipe  wid  ye  an'  yer 
b'y  Tim  wid  his  brass-kittle-drum.  It  be  wid  grea-at 
happiness  thot  Oi  superscribe  meself  yer  besht  an' 
on'y  frind. — Finigan  O'Tafe. 

Post-Scribe. — Ef  yez  cud  fetch  a  box  av  Dublin  ale 
wid  ye  Oi  do  be  sure  thot  the  gur-rls  an'  me  mether  an' 
the  praste  wull  be  plazed.* 

Irish  barber:  Did  Oi  iver  shave  a  monkey?  Niver, 
sor;  but  ef  yez  'ull  take  a  sate  in  me  chair,  Oi  wull 
do  me  besht,  sor. 

"An'  now  me  dear  b'y,"  said  an  Irishman  when  his 
son  threatened  to  enlist  in  the  army — "wud  ye  be 
lavin'  yer  pore  auld  fayther  thot  looves  ye?  An'  yez 
the  besht  av  all  me  tin  childer,  an'  the  on'y  wan  thot 
niver  shtruck  me  but  onst  whin  Oi  wuz  drunk  an' 
spacheless  ?" 

"An'  yez  think  ye  be  a  grea-at  mon  in  the  eyes  av 
the  peepul,  sor?"  said  Pat.  "Indade,  but  it  be  all  in  yer 
own  eyes,  sor." 

An  old  soldier  boasted  that  he  had  slain  at  least 
twenty  men.  "Indade,"  said  Pat,  "an'  ye  slew  'em  all 
wid  the  jaw-bone  av  an  ass."* 

An  Irish  girl  asked  a  music  teacher  what  he  charged 
by  the  month  for  lessons.  "Five  dollars  for  the  first 
month  and  three  for  the  second,"  said  the  teacher. 
"Indade,  Oi'll  take  the  second  month,"  said  the  girl. 

"Whut  de  yez  sell?"  asked  Pat  of  a  lawyer  sitting 


408        IRISH  BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT 


alone  in  an  empty  shop.  "Asses,"  said  the  lawyer. 
"Ye  be  nigh  sold  out,"  said  Pat,  "ye  hev  on'y  wan 
left."* 

"I'm  in  a  bad  box,"  said  a  wag  sitting  between  two 
Irish  tailors.  "It  be  woorse  for  us,"  said  one  of  the 
tailors,  "fer  we  hev  on'y  wan  goose  betwane  us." 

"What  wine  do  you  like  best,  Mr.  Sheridan?" 
"Other  people's  wine,"  said  Sheridan. 

Curran  was  arguing  a  point  of  law  before  Lord 
Clare.  "If  that  be  law,  Mr.  Curran,  I  may  as  well 
burn  my  law-books,"  said  Lord  Clare.  "Better  read 
them,  my  lord,"  said  Curran. 

A  landlord  stated  his  case  to  an  Irish  barrister,  and 
asked  him  if  an  action  would  lie  against  his  tenant. 
"Yes,"  said  the  barrister,  "the  action  will  lie,  if  you 
have  plenty  of  witnesses  that  will  lie,  too." 

"I  have  been  preaching  to  a  congregation  of  asses," 
said  a  preacher.  "An'  wuz  thot  why  yez  called  'em 
bretherin'?"  said  Mike.* 

"Pat,  is  there  anything  you  love  better  than  a  glass 
of  old  Irish  whisky?"  "Yis,  indade,"  said  Pat,  "Oi 
love  a  joog  av  it  betther."* 

"I  feel  for  the  poor  and  needy,"  said  Mr.  Bryan  in 
a  stump-speech.  "But  hev  yez  felt  in  yer  pocket, 
Mishter  Bryan?"  asked  an  Irishman  in  the  audience.* 

An  Irish  bailiff  being  ordered  by  the  judge  to  clear 
the  court-room  of  a  roisy  crowd,  cried  out:  "All  ye 
noisy  blackguards  an'  blatherskites  ez  not  be  lahyers, 
lave  the  coort."* 

A  lawyer  discovering  a  lot  of  bones  in  the  yard 
behind  his  office  asked  his  Irish  servant  what  they 
were.  "Oi  think  they  be  the  bones  av  yer  clients,  sor," 
said  Pat,  "they  be  picked  so  clane." 

An  Irishman  whose  wife  fell  into  a  rapid  river  and 
was  drowned,  went  up-stream  looking  for  her  body. 


IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT        409 


A  man  observing  it,  said,  "Look  down-stream;  she 
wouldn't  go  against  the  current."  "Me  frind,"  said 
Pat,  "ef  ye  hed  lived  wid  Betty  ez  long  ez  Oi,  ye  wod 
know  she  allus  be  goin'  agin  iverything,  in  spite  av  the 
divil." 

Curran,  hearing  that  a  certain  slovenly  and  stingy 
barrister  had  started  for  a  tour  of  the  continent  with 
one  shirt  and  a  guinea,  observed,  "He'll  not  change 
either  till  he  comes  back." 

Said  Pat,  "Oi  kin  till  ye  why  lahyers  be  sic  onaisy 
sleepers  ;  it  be  because  they  lie  first  on  wan  side  an'  thin 
on  the  ether." 

A  lawyer  asked  Pat  if  he  knew  whether  Noah  took 
any  meat  into  the  ark.  "Sure,  he  did,  sor,"  said  Pat, 
"He  took  Ham  wid  'im."* 

An  Irish  cobbler  sitting  in  his  stall  offended  a  man 
passing  by.  "If  you'll  come  out,  I'll  give  you  a  kick," 
said  the  man.  "Sure  Oi  wudn't  come  out  ef  ye  wad 
give  me  two  av  'em,"  said  Pat. 

The  only  son  of  a  parson  said :  "If  I  had  a  fool 
for  a  son,  I'd  let  him  go  to  the  devil."  "Thot's  jusht 
phot  yer  fayther  did,"  said  Pat.* 

"Me  fayther  hed  the  small  pox  twist  an'  died  av  it," 
said  Burke.  "Which  toime  did  he  die  av  it?"  asked 
Murphy. 

"I've  changed  my  mind,"  said  the  boss.  "How  the 
divil  cud  ye  do  thot  whin  ye  niver  hed  ony?"  said 
Tim.* 

Said  the  pastor  to  Pat: 

"A  thief  stole  my  hat." 
Pat:    "Oi  pity  yer  grafe." 
Pastor:   "My  sermon  was  in  it." 
Pat :  "Oi  pity  the  thafe." 


410       IRISH  BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 

Coome,  Patsy,  me  dear,  me  pictur  is  here, 
It's  a  f oine  wan,  me  love :  don't  it  strike  ye  ? 

"No,  it  do  not  at  prisent,"  said  Patsy,  "me  dear, 
But,  Biddy  it  wull,  it's  so  like  ye. 

"Plaze,  me  lord,  give  me  a  penny,"  asked  a  beggar 
in  Dublin  of  a  landlord,  who  refused.  "Wull,  kape 
-yer  penny:  it  'ull  trate  all  yer  frens,  an'  ye'll  have  a 
ha'penny  left,"  said  the  beggar.* 

"Did  you  present  your  bill?"  asked  a  lawyer  of  his 
client  on  the  witness  stand.  "Indade,  Oi  did,"  said 
the  client.  "And  what  did  he  say?"  asked  the  lawyer. 
"He  told  me  te  go  te  the  divil."  "Then  what  did  you 
do?"  "Sure  Oi  wint  te  you,  sor,"  said  Pat. 

Did  you  ever  see  the  lady  before  or  after?  asked  a 
lawyer  of  an  Irish  witness.  "Oi  niver  sah  her  befoor, 
an'  Oi  niver  sah  her  behint,"  said  Pat.* 

A  poor  Irish  lad  in  Dublin,  who  received  a  second 
present  of  five  pounds  from  his  uncle  in  New  York, 
wrote  in  reply:  "Plaze  acsipt  me  sincere  thanks  for 
past  favors  an'  expictations  av  more."* 

Mike :    "A  mon  thot  is  mar-ried  musht  wape  an' 

bewail, 
Loike  a  dog  wid  a  tay-kittle  tied  te  his  tail." 

Biddy:      "An'    Biddy,    thot's    mar-ried,    musht    do 

scrubbin'  out, 
Te  kape  the  dom  whusky-joog  ful  fer  a  lout."* 

A  lawyer  questioned  Pat  on  the  witness  stand: 
"This  lady  says  she  is  twenty-five  years  old :  do  you 
know  her  age,  Pat?"  "Oi  do  be  not  by  whin  she  wuz 
barn,  sor,  but  Oi  know  she  be  tellin'  the  thruth,  fer  Oi 
heard  her  say  that  same  thing  tin  years  ago,  sor." 

"The  on'y  way  to  shtop  suicide,"  said  Pat,  "is  te 
punish  it  wid  death."* 

An  Irishman  caught  his  bad  boy  by  the  hair  and 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        411 


said :  "Ye  spalpeen,  Oi  belave  the  divil  hez  ye  in  his 
claw!"  "Oi  belave  it  meself,"  said  the  boy. 

An  Irishman  inquired  at  the  post  office  for  a  letter. 
"What's  your  name,  please?"  asked  the  clerk.  "None 
av  yer  dom  importinance,"  said  Pat,  "Sure,  can't  ye 
find  it  on  the  letther?" 

"Not  wan  av  me  ancestors  wuz  hanged,"  said  Mike, 
"except  me  poor  boy,  Tim."* 

An  Irishman  fishing  in  the  rain  on  a  bridge  held 
his  pole  and  line  under  it.  "Why  do  you  hold  your 
pole  under  the  bridge?"  asked  a  man.  "Becase,  sor, 
the  fishes  do  be  no  fools,  they  roon  under  the  bridge  te 
kape  out  av  the  wet,"  said  Pat. 

I  have  an  idea  in  my  head,  said  a  preacher  to  Pat. 
"Kape  it  there,"  said  Pat,  "ye'll  niver  git  anether 
wan."* 

"Them  two  lahyers,  foitin'  fer  two  fools  over  a  dog, 
be  loike  the  blades  av  a  pair  av  shape-shears,"  said 
Mike ;  "they  don't  cut  achether,  but  they  she-ar  the 
shape  betwane  'em."* 

"Thot  baker,"  said  Pat,  "hez  invinted  a  yaste  thot 
makes  a  pound  av  bread  weigh  on'y  tin  ounces." 

A  priest  finding  it  difficult  to  get  his  surplice  on, 
after  he  had  partly  succeeded,  petulantly  said :  "The 
devil  is  in  it."  "Sure  he  is,"  said  Pat. 

"Hev  ye  on'y  loose  change  in  yer  pocket,  Pat?" 
asked  Mike.  "No,  indade,"  said  Pat,  "Money  is  very 
tight,  sor." 

Said  the  Miller  to  Pat,  who  brought  grist  to  his  mill. 
"Pat,  tell  me  what  you  know  and  what  you  don't 
know."  "Oi  knows  thot  millers'  pigs  be  allus  fat,  but 
Oi  dunno  whose  corn  they  gits  fat  on,"  said  Pat. 

Mike,  who  was  ill,  was  urged  to  call  a  doctor.  "No," 
said  Mike,  "Oi  don't  want  te  die  an  onnatural  death."* 

A  noted  physician  was  upbraiding  an  Irish  sexton 


412        IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


in  the  presence  of  others  for  being  intoxicated:  "Ye 
be  onginerous,  docther,"  said  the  sexton,  "te  be  tellin' 
ethers  av  me  wan  mishtake,  whin  Oi  hev  covered  up 
an'  concaled  so  mony  av  yer  own." 

"Win  Oi  die,"  said  a  wealthy  Irishman,  "Oi  want 
pockets  put  in  me  shroud  so  Oi  can  take  me  money 
along  wid  me  an'  not  lave  it  fer  the  lahyers." 

"Ye  Scots  think  ye  be  betther  thun  the  Oirish,"  said 
Pat,  "but  ye  be  on'y  civilized  Oirishmin."* 

"How  is  business  ?"  asked  a  friend  of  an  Irish  tailor 
in  Los  Angeles.  "It  is  very  good,  sor,  what  little  there 
is  of  it,"  replied  the  tailor.* 

"The  moon  be  worth  more  to  us  than  the  sun,"  said 
Pat,  "fer  it  do  be  shinin'  in  the  night  whin  we  nade  it, 
but  the  sun  do  shine  in  bra-ad  day-light  whin  we  don't 
nade  it  at  all,  sor." 

"Posthumous  works,"  said  an  Irish  professor,  "are 
the  books  a  mon  writes  afther  he  is  dead." 

When  the  Dutch  Prince  of  Orange  landed  with  his 
army  in  Ireland  he  issued  a  proclamation  in  which  he 
said:  "We  have  come  for  your  goods — for  the  goods 
of  all  of  you."  "Sure,"  said  Pat,  "an'  he'll  take  'em 
all,  aven  te  the  pigs  an'  the  gase."* 

Pat  was  driving  a  party  of  Americans  in  his  car  in 
Ireland.  They  came  upon  an  old  gallows.  "Pat,"  said 
one  of  the  Americans,  "where  would  you  be  now  if 
the  gallows  had  its  due?"  "Widout  me  passengers," 
replied  Pat.* 

"Me  belly  is  full,"  said  Tim.  "Too  bad  it  be  not 
yer  head,"  said  Mike.* 

"Mike,"  said  Pat,  "Oi  be  in  loove.  "Oi  niver 
knowed  Oi  hed  a  hea-art  till  Oi  losht  it." 

"Wull,  Biddy,  Oi  knows  Oi'm  an  auld  bear,  but  Oi 
looves  ye,  me  darlint  gur-rl,"  said  Tim. 


IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT        413 


"Nay,  Tim,  Oi  wush  ye  wuz:  ye  be  no  bear,  er  ye 
wud  be  huggin'  me,"  said  Biddy.* 

"How  do  you  like  your  new  mistress,  Biddy?"  asked 
a  former  mistress. 

"Ouch !  there  be  too  mony  broils  in  the  house  ivery 
day,"  said  Biddy. 

"What! — do  your  mistress  and  her  husband 
quarrel  ?" 

"O,  no;  Oi  mane  too  mony  broils  in  the  kitchen," 
said  Biddy. 

"Marry  me,  Kate,  an'  ye  will  see  the  ind  av  all  yer 
throubles,"  said  Tim. 

"Which  ind  av  'em?"  asked  Kate.* 

"Tell  me  the  biggest  lie  you  can  and  I'll  treat  you  to 
a  glass  of  whisky,"  said  a  "sport"  to  Pat. 

"Indade,  yur're  a  gintlemon,"  said  Pat, — "an'  Oi'll 
take  the  whusky,  plaze."* 

"I  must  raise  your  rent,"  said  the  landlord  to  his 
Irish  tenant. 

"Oi  be  much  obleeged  te  ye,"  said  the  tenant,  "fer 
Oi  con't  raise  it  meself." 

An  Irish  witness  admitted  that  he  had  married  seven 
wives. 

"Seven  wives!"  exclaimed  the  judge.  "Sure,"  said 
Pat,  "Oi  be  thryin'  te  git  a  good  wan."* 

A  lawyer  trying  to  brow-beat  an  Irish  witness,  said, 
"I  can  see  the  rogue  in  your  face." 

"Indade,"  said  Pat,  "an'  so  me  face  be  a  lookin'- 
glass."* 

A  bull-dog  attacked  an  Irishman,  who  broke  the 
dog's  nose  with  his  thorn-stick.  "Why  didn't  you  hit 
him  on  the  other  end  ?"  said  the  angry  owner.  "Oi  wud 
ef  he  had  coome  at  me  wid  his  ether-eend,"  said  Pat, 
"but  he  didn't."* 

"At  the  battle  of  Bui  Run,"  said  Pat,  "Oi  made 


414        IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT 


farty  Ribels  run  loike  the  divil."  "How  was  that?" 
asked  an  old  veteran.  "Sure,  Oi  run  meself  an'  they 
run  afther  me,"  said  Pat.* 

"None  of  my  patients  ever  accused  me  of  neglect," 
said  a  physician.  "Dead  min  tell  no  tales,"  said  Pat.* 

A  barrister,  attempting  to  brow-beat  an  Irish 
woman  on  the  witness-stand,  said  to  her.  "You  have 
brass  enough  in  your  face  to  make  a  sauce-pan."  "An' 
yez  hev  sauce  enough  te  fill  two  av  'em,"  said  Biddy. 

"Don't  give  me  anether  emitic,  dochtor,"  said  his 
Irish  patient,  "fer  Oi  can't  kape  'em  doon." 

"Do  they  set  a  good  table  at  your  boarding-house, 
Pat,"  asked  a  friend. 

"Ah,  yis,"  said  Pat,  "they  sets  a  foine  table — wid 
nothin'  on  it."* 

"I  think  I  have  seen  you  somewhere,"  said  a  stranger 
to  Pat. 

"Oi  make  no  doot  av  thot,  sor,"  said  Pat,  "fer  Oi 
hev  bin  there  mony  toimes."* 

A  gentleman  remarked  to  an  Irish  barrister  who 
had  just  told  a  good  joke.  "I  read  that  joke  when  I 
was  a  boy  in  some  old  Latin  or  Greek  book." 

"No  doot,"  said  the  barrister,  "them  ancients  wuz 
allus  stalin'  our  besht  thots." 

A  gentleman  who  had  stopped  with  his  Irish  servant 
for  several  days  at  an  inn,  called  for  his  bill  and  found 
several  bottles  of  port  placed  to  his  servant's  account. 
He  called  his  servant  and  began  to  read  the  bill.  "One 
bottle  of  Port — one  ditto,  one  ditto,  ditto,  ditto" — 
"Stop,"  said  Pat,  "they  be  chatin'  yez;  Oi  hed  a  few 
bottles  av  port,  but  not  wan  dom  bottle  av  ditto." 

A  lady  observing  in  the  glass  that  she  had  a  red  nose, 
said  to  her  Irish  maid:  "Where  did  I  get  such  a  red 
nose  ?"  "Out  av  yer  bottle,  Missus,"  said  the  maid.* 

Pat  applied  to  work  his  passage  from  Buffalo  to 


IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT       415 


Albany  on  a  canal-boat.  He  was  set  to  leading  the 
horses  on  the  tow-path.  On  arriving  at  Syracuse 
he  quit,  saying,  "Oi  wud  sooner  walk  te  Albany  than 
work  me  passage  on  the  tow-path." 

"Did  you  commit  the  burglary,  Pat?"  asked  the 
police  captain. 

"No,  sor — no,  sor,"  said  Pat,  "but  Oi  done  woorse; 
Oi  let  yer  dom  'cop'  cotch  me  at  it."* 

"Oi  don't  want  te  be  born  agin,"  said  Pat,  "fer  fear 
Oi  wud  be  born  a  gur-rul." 

"At  the  woman-suffrage  meetin,"  said  Pat,  "there 
wuz  a  grea-at  gadherin'  av  ould  women  av  both 
sexes."* 

Pat  received  an  express-package  marked  "Patrick 
Dooly,  C.  O.  D."  "Sind  the  dom  insult  back,"  said 
Pat,  "Oi  be  no  codfish." 

"They're  only  'codding'  you,"  said  the  agent.* 

In  the  divorce  case  of  Dobin  vs.  Dobin,  tried  in 
Minneapolis  before  Judge  Lochren,  who  was  a  cannie 
Scot  with  Irish  wit,  the  judge  remarked :  "This  is  the 
case  of  Dobin  'dobin'  Dobin." 

Said  Pat  to  the  priest :  "Father,  Oi  hope  Oi  may 
live  te  hear  ye  prache  me  funeral  sermon." 

Said  Mike  to  his  wife:  "Whin  Oi  married  ye, 
Biddy,  ye  hedn't  a  rag  te  yer  back."  "True  indade, 
Mike,  an'  now  it's  all  rags,"  said  Biddy. 

"Is  your  sister's  baby  a  son  or  a  daughter?"  ask- 
ed a  friend  of  Tim.  "Faith,"  replied  Tim,  "Oi  dunno 
yit  wheder  Oi'm  an  uncle  er  an  ant." 

"Darlint,"  said  Pat  to  his  sweetheart,  "Oi  love  ye 
as  well  ez  Oi  wud  ef  Oi  hed  knowd  ye  fer  siven  long 
years,  an'  a  gra-at  dale  betther." 

Mike  O'Rourke  went  to  confession  and  told  the 
priest  a  lot  of  his  peccadillos.  "Have  you  told  me 
all?"  asked  the  priest.  "Barm'  wan,"  said  Mike; 


416        IRISH  BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


"Oi  stole  Widdy  Maloney's  pig."  "Ah,  Mike,"  said 
the  priest,  "you  must  make  restitution ;  you  must 
return  the  pig  to  Mrs.  Maloney."  "But  Oi  can't," 
said  Mike,  "he's  kilt,  an'  Oi  ate  'im."  "Then  you 
must  pay  her  double  the  value  of  the  pig  or  you'll 
never  get  into  Heaven,"  said  the  priest.  "But  no- 
body but  me  an'  yersel  knows  it,  an'  ye  daren't 
pache  on  me,"  said  Mike.  "Ah,  Mike,"  said  the 
priest,  "when  you  get  up  to  St.  Peter's  gate  you'll 
find  Widow  Maloney  an'  her  pig  both  there  to  con- 
front you.  "Fayther,  be  ye  shure  thot  Widdy  Ma- 
loney an'  her  pig'll  both  be  there?"  "Sure,"  said  the 
priest,  "unless  you  make  restitution."  "Thin,"  said 
Mike,  "Oi'll  make  reshtitootion :  Oi'll  tell  Widdy 
Maloney  te  take  her  dom  pig."* 

"Come  in  ye  spalpeen,"  said  Biddy  to  her  drunken 
husband,  "ye  must  be  fatagued,  walkin'  a  long  road 
fer  a  jug  av  whuskey."  "Arrah !"  said  Pat,  "it 
wuzn't  the  long  uv  the  road,  but  the  broad  av  it, 
thot  fatagued  me." 

"Guilty  or  not  guilty?"  asked  the  judge,  when  Pat 
was  arraigned  on  a  criminal  charge.  "How  the  divil 
kin  Oi  tell  till  Oi  hear  the  ividence?"  replied  Pat. 

"Ah,  Mike,  ye've  gone  an'  sold  thot  old  pot  thot's 
bin  in  this  family  fer  three  ginerations.  What  made 
ye  do  thot?"  said  Biddy.  "Oi  wudn't  be  afther  par- 
tin'  wid  it,"  said  Mike,  "on'y  fer  four  'bits'  te  buy  a 
bag  av  patetates  te  bile  in  it." 

"Pat,"  said  Tim,  "don't  marry  young.  Oi  wuz 
on'y  twinty-wan  whin  Oi  married,  an'  Oi'll  niver 
marry  so  young  agin  ef  I  live  to  be  ez  old  ez  Me- 
thuselum." 

"Ye  hev  a  foine  new-barn  baby,  indade,"  said  Mrs. 
Patherick  to  Mrs.  Desmond,  "an'  yer  husband  hez 
been  away  in  the  army  fer  two  years,  an'  niver  bin 


IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT        417 


home  wonst."  "Thrue,  Mrs.  Patherick,  Oi  heven't 
seen  me  dear  Tim  fer  two  long  years,  but  he  hez 
writ  fraquently,"  said  Mrs.  Desmond.  * 

Two  Irishmen  were  working  at  a  mine.  One  of 
them  fell  into  a  deep  pit.  The  other  yelled  down  to 
him,  "Say,  Pat,  be  ye  kilt?"  "Not  intirely,"  replied 
Pat,  "but  Oi'm  knocked  spacheless." 

"I  am  waiting  for  a  patient  like  Patience  on  the 
monument,"  said  a  young  doctor  to  his  Irish  servant. 
"An'  whin  yez  gits  wan,"  said  Pat,  "it  won't  be  long 
befoor  the  monument  be  on  the  patient."* 

"I  have  a  very  dangerous  case  here,"  said  the 
country  doctor.  "Yis,  indade,  an'  it's  yer  midicin- 
case,  docthor,"  replied  Mrs.  Maloney.* 

"Plaze  give  me  a  dose  av  yer  midicin,  docthor." 
"What  kind?"  asked  the  physician.  "Ony  kind  ye 
carry,  docthor."  "What  ails  you,  Pat?"  "Oi'm  tired 
o'  foightin'  wid  Biddy,  an'  Oi'm  dyin'  to  be  kilt," 
said  Pat.* 

"Me  pore  brother  Mike  hez  gone  te  the  divil,"  said 
Tim.  "Indade,  is  he  dead?"  asked  his  friend  Flan- 
negan.  "No;  it's  woorse,"  said  Tim,  "he's  gone  te  a 
lahyer."* 

"Ah,  ye  drunken  clod,"  said  Biddy  to  her  husband, 
"spewing-up"  on  the  floor;  "can't  ye  lave  off  thot 
rotten  whusky?  Ye  must  like  it."  "Indade  Oi 
duz,"  said  Pat,  "an'  O'd  niver  lave  it  off  ef  it  tasted 
half  ez  good  comin'  up  ez  it  do  goin'  cloon."* 

"Whar  be  ye  goin,  Pat?"  asked  a  friend  who  met 
him  on  the  road.  Pat  replied:  "Me  boy.  Tim,  hez 
rooned  away  and  gone  te  the  divil,  an'  Oi'm  goin' 
afther  'im."* 

"Thim  dom  biled  eggs  hez  checkins  in  'em,"  said 
Mike  to  his  friend  at  a  lunch-counter.  "Spake  aisy, 


418        IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH   WIT 


Mike,"  said  his  friend,  "er  they'll  charge  ye  extra 
fer  the  checkins."* 

"Whar  hev  ye  bin,  Pat?"  "Oi  dunno  whar  the 
divil  Oi  hev  bin,  fer  Oi  didn't  git  thar,"  said  Pat.* 

"Oi'm  a  mon  av  few  wor-rds,"  said  McGroarty. 
"Thrue,  indade,"  said  Tim,  "but  ye  spake  'em  te 
iverybody."* 

"Lind  me  five  shillin',  Tim,  an'  Oi'll  make  ye  a 
millionaire,"  said  Mike.  "Arrah,  ye  spalpeen,  whin 
will  ye  make  me  a  millionaire?"  "In  twinty  minits," 
said  Mike, — "wid  a  bottle  av  'Auld  Oirish  tay.'  "* 

"What  was  your  uncle's  first  name?"  asked  the 
lawyer.  "That  puts  me  in  mind  av  somethin'  Oi 
can't  rimimber,  sor,"  replied  Pat.* 

"Widdy  O'Brien,"  said  Pat,  "Oi  hev  a  gra-at 
sacret  an'  Oi  nade  a  woman  te  help  me  kape  it."* 

Pat,  who  had  just  arrived  from  Erin,  and  voted  the 
"Dimecratic  ticket"  in  New  York,  saw  for  the  first 
time  a  steam-shovel  at  work.  "Bad  luck  te  yez,  ye 
dom  Nager  Republikin  machane !"  growled  Pat,  "Ye 
kill  the  pore  wor-rkin'  mon  an'  thin  stale  the  bread 
out  av  'is  mout.  Ye  kin  toot-toot,  an'  poof-poof,  an' 
dig-dig,  but — Glory  be  te  God  ! — yez  can't  vote."* 

Mike  wrote  from  New  York  to  his  brother  in  Dub- 
lin :  "Come  over,  Pat.  This  is  the  land  av  Liberty. 
In  New  Yark  they  lets  ye  vote  the  Dimecrat  ticket 
nixt  day  afther  ye  land ;  an'  phot's  betther,  they  pays 
ye  two  dollars  a  head  fer  it."* 

"Oi've  cotched  a  Tartar,"  yelled  Pat  from  the 
picket  line.  "Bring  'im  in,"  replied  his  Captain. 
"Oi  can't,"  said  Pat.  "Then  come  in  yourself,  Pat," 
said  the  Captain.  "But  the  dom  Hathen  won't  let 
me,"  said  Pat. 

(This  is  the  origin  of  "Caught  a  tartar,"  and  nearly 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        419 


equivalent   to   the   "Auribus   teneo   lupum"   of   Ter- 
ence.) 

"It  be  a  long  road  thot  niver  raches  the  ind,"  said 
Mike.* 

"Avide  ony  road  thot  tur-runs  te  the  left,"  said 
Tim,  "it  allus  lades  te  the  divil."* 

"Yer  auld  frind  Mac  hez  got  a  job  at  lasht,"  said 
Pat.  "Whar?"  asked  Sam.  "In  the  pinetinchery," 
said  Pat.* 

"I'll  give  you  'ninety  days'  and  the  'gold  cure,'  " 
said  the  police  judge  to  Pat,  arrested  for  being 
drunk  on  the  street.  "Oi  don't  nade  the  ninety  days, 
Joodge,"  said  Pat,  "but  Oi'm  pore  an'  nady,  an'  Oi'll 
take  the  goold  cure,  plaze."* 

Nol.  pros. 
District   Court:      Hennepin    County,    State    of 

Minnesota. 

The  Court :  "Patrick  O'Brein,  you  are  charged  in 
the  indictment  with  grand  larceny — stealing  twenty- 
five  geese  of  the  value  of  twenty-five  dollars,  the 
property  of  one  Mike  O'Rourke.  Do  you  plead 
guilty  or  not  guilty?" 

Pat :  "May  it  plaze  yer  Honor,  Oi  am  a  honesht, 
har-rd-worrkin'  mon.  Oi  don't  want  te  plade  eyther 
way.  Oi  want  te  nol-prostitute  the  case,  an'  save 
the  ripetation  av  the  Coort.  Oi  didn't  stale 
O'Rourke's  gase.  Dom  his  eyes,  he  sthole  me  dog 
two  years  foreby ;  an'  thar  wuz  only  twinty  wan  av 
his  gase  onyway;  an'  Oi  hid  'em  out  in  the  brush 
in  me  back-lot  in  a  wire  fence,  an'  a  fox  er  a  wolf 
sthole  thray  av  'em,  an'  Oi  hed  te  give  lahyer 
O'Gorman  tin  av  'em  fer  advice  how  te  git  clear  av 
the  lah  in  this  case.  So  thar  wuz  on'y  eight  gase 
sthole  onyway;  an'  lahyer  O'Gorman  told  me  thot 
wuz  on'y  pity-larceny,  an'  Oi  cud  throw  mesel  on 


420        IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH   WIT 


the  mercy  av  the  coort,  an'  nol-prostitute  the  case, 
an'  pay  the  costs — about  foor  bits — er  demand  a 
Jewry  av  me  peers.  So,  may  it  plaze  yer  Honor, 
Oi  don't  wish  te  put  the  County  av  Henny-pen  in 
this  pore  State  av  Minnesota  te  the  enormeous  ex- 
pinse  av  bringin'  all  the  way  over  frum  Limerick 
twelve  av  me  peers  te  make  a  Jewry,  fer  Oi  wuz 
born  in  the  County  Limerick  in  Ould  Oirland,  an' 
all  me  peers  still  be  livin'  an'  brathin'  on  the  dear 
auld  sod  in  the  counties  Limerick  an'  Tipperary, 
so  help  me  God.  So  now  may  it  plaze  the  coort — 
bless  yer  dear  owl  sowl — me  an'  all  me  kin  do  be 
allus  votin'  fer  yez,  sor — Oi  move  onto  this  coort 
te  squash  this  libilious  indictment,  an'  nol-prosti- 
tute the  case,  an'  save  enormeous  costs  te  the  pore 
County  av  Henny-pen ;  an'  Oi'll  give  half,  which  is 
four,  av  O'Rourke's  ole  gase  te  the  coort  fer  yet 
Christmas  dinner;  an'  may  God  hev  mercy  on  yer 
sowl." 

At  the  request  of  the  county  attorney  who  had 
a  "tip"  that  he  could  get  the  remaining  four  geese, 
the  Court  "nol-prostituted"  the  case.* 

"Jisht  befoore  the  Battle  av  the  B'yne  began" 
private  Pat  Murphy  was  handed  an  iron  "breast- 
plate" by  his  Captain  and  told  to  strap  it  on  over  his 
vital  parts.  Pat  proceeded  immediately  to  strap  it 
on  over  the  bigger  part  of  him  "behint."  The  Cap- 
tain laughed  and  passed  on.  After  the  "retrate"  Pat 
pulled  off  his  breast-plate  and  found  the  mark  of 
a  musket  ball  on  it.  "Look  o'  thot,  Captain,"  said 
Pat;  "the  inemy  knowed  whar  me  'vital  pairts'  be, 
ez  well  ez  Oi  knowed  it  mesel."* 

Champ,  an  Irishman  from  Cork,  went  fishing 
for  cat-fish  in  the  "Missouree."  He  finally  caught 
one — a  forty-pound  cat-fish,  and  for  safe-keeping, 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH   WIT        421 


lugged  it  up  the  steep  bank  and  deposited  it  in  a 
mud-hole.  Then  Champ  went  back  and  fished  till 
sundown,  but  "he  didn't  git  nary  nuther  bite." 
Meantime  a  darkey,  who  had  been  fishing  down  be- 
low, and  caught  only  one  little  two-pound  "cat," 
came  along.  He  fished  out  Champ's  forty-pounder, 
dropped  his  two-pounder  in  the  mud-hole  and 
skipped.  Champ  finally  crawled  up  the  high  bank 
and  poked  around  in  the  mud-hole  for  his  big  fish. 
He  found  the  little  cat — the  only  fish  in  the  hole. 
Champ  looked  "fatagued,"  but  he  braced  up  "wid 
a  sup  av  coold  tay  frum  his  impty  jug,"  and  picked 
up  the  little  "cat."  "It  be  a  cot,  sure,"  said  Champ, 
"an"  the  only  fish  in  thot  hole.  It  musht  be  me  cot- 
fish.  Beloike  thot  coold  tay  maggefoid  'im  a  bit 
whin  Oi  cotched  'im,  but,  nay-the-less, — loike  me 
frind  Tiddy — Gorry  moighty — how  he  be  shrunk  !"* 

At  a  regimental  parade,  after  the  final  victory  at 
Ladysmith  in  the  Boer  War,  the  colonel  of  a  "crack" 
British  regiment  ordered  Corporal  Pat  Nolan  to  step 
two  paces  to  the  front.  "Corporal  Nolan,"  said  the 
Colonel,  "I  am  ordered  by  her  Majesty,  the  Queen, 
to  pin  this  bronze  medal  on  your  breast  for  your 
gallant  conduct  in  the  defense  of  Ladysmith,  and 
to  deposit  in  the  bank,  at  interest,  payable  to  you 
annually  for  life,  this  ten-pound  note  of  the  Bank 
of  England."  "Kin  Oi  spake  wan  wor-rd?"  asked 
Pat  with  a  salute.  "Proceed,"  said  the  Colonel.  "Ef 
it  be  all  the  same  te  yerself  an'  the  Quane,"  said  Pat, 
"plaze  pin  thot  tin-pound  note  on  me  breasht,  an' 
put  the  midal  te  me  cridit  in  the  bank." 

"It  is  wid  gra-ate  pleasure  thot  Oi  extind  te  ye  me 
hear-rty  sympathy  on  the  death  av  yer  beloved 
husband,"  wrote  Desmond  to  Mrs.  Parnell. 

A  young  lady  at  a  crowded  concert  was  looking 


422        IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


for  a  seat.  A  polite  Irishman  (who  was  occupying 
one  himself),  said  to  her:  "Oi  wud  be  plazed  te 
give  ye  a  sate,  Miss,  but  ivery  wan  av  the  impty 
sates  be  all  full  intirely." 

An  Irishman  got  out  of  a  train  at  a  lunch  station, 
and  while  he  was  eating  his  lunch  the  train  pulled 
out  "Hould  on! — stop!"  yelled  Pat,  "thar's  wan 
passenger  on  boord  thot  ye've  left  behint." 

"Where  is  the  other  end  of  this  rope?"  demanded 
the  mate  of  an  Irish  sailor.  "It's  cut  off,  sor,"  said 
the  sailor. 

"Misther  Dobbin,  I  want  ye  te  make  me  will,"  said 
Mike.  "What  disposition  do  you  want  to  make 
of  your  property?"  asked  Lawyer  Dobbin.  "I  want 
te  lave  it  all  te  myself  entirely,"  said  Mike.* 

"Afther  he  wuz  past  cure  the  docthor  give  'im  a 
dose  av  midicin  thot  cured  'im  immadiately,"  said 
Mrs.  Ryan.* 

"Ef  ye  don't  recave  this  letther,  ye  may  be  sure 
it  hez  got  losht  in  the  post,  so  plaze  answer  it  im- 
madiately," wrote  O'Brien  to  his  wife. 

"Oi  beg  yer  pardon;  Oi  ought  te  hev  answered 
yer  letther  two  weeks  ago,  but  Oi  recaved  it  on'y 
this  mornin',"  wrote  McGroarty  to  Dougherty. 

"Hev  ye  a  drop  av  the  'cratur'  wid  ye,  Pat?" 
"Oi've  on'y  an  impty  bottle  filled  wid  wather,"  said 
Pat.* 

"Mr.  Spaker,"  said  Sir  Boyle  Roche,  in  the  Irish 
Parliament  (1775),  "it  is  the  juty  av  ivery  lover  av 
his  country  te  give  his  lasht  guinea  te  save  the  re- 
mainder." 

"What  regiment  were  you  in  in  the  Civil  War, 
Pat?" 

"Oi  wuz  in  the  farty-foorth  Cali funny  Granny- 
dears,  sor — a  corporal,  sor,  an'  commandered  me 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        423 


company,  sor,  in  twinty-wan  bloody  battles,  sor." 

"Were  you  ever  wounded,  Pat?" 

"Sure  Oi  wuz,  sor ;  farty-five  toimes,  sor ;  but  only 
wanst  dangerous,  sor,  an'  thot  wuz  at  the  battle  av 
Whuskey  Run,  in  Kaintucky,  sor.  Oi  wuz  kiverin1 
me  command  on  the  retrate,  sor,  an'  a  dom  rebel 
grape-shot,  sor,  ez  big  ez  a  geese  aigg,  sor,  hit  me  in 
the  back,  sor,  be  the  pint  av  me  left  shoulder-blade, 
sor,  and  went  clane  through  me  an'  kim  out  at  me 
left  nipple,  sor." 

"Why,  Pat,  if  you  had  been  shot  like  that  you 
would  have  been  a  dead  man  in  a  minute — the  shot 
would  have  gone  through  your  heart  or  torn  it  in 
pieces." 

"Sure  it  wud,  sor,  but  ye  see,  me  hea-art  wuz  in 
me  mout  at  the  toime,  sor."* 

An  Irish  soldier  who  ran  upon  a  sleeping  Boer  in 
the  night,  and  blew  his  brains  out,  remarked  :  "He'll 
be  surprised  whin  he  wakes  up  in  the  mornin'."* 

"There  wuz  nobody  in  the  coach  but  two  passen- 
gers on  the  outside,"  said  Pat. 

Pat,  who  had  never  seen  a  railway  engine,  came 
over  from  Ireland.  His  brother  Mike,  who  was  a 
section  boss  on  the  Harlem,  just  above  New  York, 
met  him  at  Castle  Garden  and  took  him  up  the 
Hudson  in  a  sail  boat.  After  dinner  they  took  a 
walk  up  the  track  over  a  fill  and  into  a  deep  cut 
Just  then  the  "Albany  Flyer"  came  tooting  down 
the  track.  "Roon,  Pat — roon  fer  yer  life !"  yelled 
Mike  as  he  ran  up  the  slope  of  the  cut.  But  Pat  took 
the  track  and  he  ran  for  the  fill. 

The  cow-ketcher  ketched  'im  an'  over  the  grade 

Tumbled  Pat  an'  a  dale  av  a  moanin'  he  made; 

Frightened  Mike  he  ran  down  where  poor  Patsy 
was  spilt: 


424        IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


"It  be  a  mi-racle,  Patsy,  that  ye  wuzn't  kilt ; 

Why  didn't  ye  roon,  Pat?"    "An'  didn't  Oi  roon? 

But  thot  dom  snortin'  cratur  cud  bate  a  balloon." 
"Dom  it,  Patsy,  why  didn't  ye  roon  up  the  hill  ? 

Yez  come  nigh  a-gittin'  a  ride  te  the  divil." 

"Aw,  Mike,"  stammered  Pat,  as  he  limped  on  the 
fill, 

"Ef  Oi  cudn't  bate  the  dom  baste  on  the  livil, 

Sure,  how  cud  Oi  bate  'im  a-roonin'  up  hill  ?* 

— Pat  and  the  Flyer. 

"It  is  a  gra-ate  comfort  te  be  all  alone  by  yerself," 
said  Pat,  "ef  ye  hev  yer  swateheart  wid  ye." 

Tim  wired  from  New  York  to  the  coroner  at  Los 
Angeles :  "Oi'm  afeard  thot  unknown  mon  thot  wuz 
drownded  on  Dead-man's  Island  is  me  long  lost 
brother.  Plaze  look  'im  over  wid  care  an'  see  ef  he 
be  near-sighted  an'  hev  an  impidiment  in  his 
spache."* 

"Thar  is  not  wan  man  in  the  House  of  Commons," 
roared  an  Irish  member,  "thot  hez  not  felt  the  thruth 
of  me  argyment  throbbin'  in  his  hearrt  fer  a  thou- 
sand years."* 

"Oirland,"  roared  an  Irish  member  in  the  House 
of  Commons,  "'11  give  England  her  death-blow,  an' 
she'll  niver  recoover  frum  it  in  a  hundered  years."* 

"It  wud  be  betther,  Mr.  Spaker,  te  give  up  a  part 
av  the  Constitution,  or  aven  the  whole  av  it,  te  save 
the  remainder." 

— Sir  Boyle  Roche  in  the  Irish  Parliament. 

"Gentlemen,  isn't  one  man  as  good  as  another?" 
cried  a  stump-speaker.  "Av  coorse  'e  is — an'  a  dom 
sight  betther,"  yelled  an  excited  Irishman.* 

At  the  battle  av  the  B'yne  not  a  mon  av  me  com- 
pany escaped  alive  except  foor  thot  wuz  drownded 
in  the  river. — Capt.  Connor. 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        425 


Olives.  People  fond  of  salt-pickled  Spanish  olives 
can  appreciate  the  following:  An  Irish  judge  (jus- 
tice of  the  peace)  who  resided  and  held  court  at 
Boolyglass,  County  Kilkenny,  had  many  friends  who 
had  emigrated  from  that  county  to  the  police  force 
in  New  York  City.  On  the  pressing  invitation  of 
the  members  of  the  "foorce,"  including  "Croaker," 
the  boss,  the  "Joodge"  came  over  to  New  York  to 
meet  his  Hibernian  friends  and  be  hailed  and  feasted 
by  them.  They  gave  him  a  royal  reception  and  a 
banquet  at  Delmonico's.  The  "Joodge"  had  never 
seen  an  olive.  When  the  champagne  and  "auld 
Irish  tay"  had  taken  effect,  and  "Erin-go-Bragh" 
got  "fast  and  furious,"  the  "Joodge"  discovered  a 
small  dish  of  green  pickled  olives  near  his  plate, 
and  tried  to  eat  one.  He  spat  it  out.  He  tried  an- 
other, and  with  a  wry  face  spat  it  out  vigorously. 
He  looked  indignant  as  he  arose :  "Gintlemin,"  said 
the  Joodge,  "Oi  don't  wish  te  dishturb  the  hilarity 
av  this  gra-at  occasion,  but  Oi  feel  thot  the  dignity 
av  the  High  Coorts  av  Oireland  demond  thot  Oi  make 
a  remairk." 

"Remairk !  —  Remairk !  —  Remairk !"  was  yelled 
unanimously  by  the  ge-lorified  Sons  of  Erin ;  and  the 
Joodge  proceeded :  "Gintlemin,  Oi'm  plazed  te  be 
compilled  te  make  the  remairk  thot  the  gintlemon 
ez  pished  in  the  pickles  is  no  gintlemon  at  all."* 

"We  Hinglishmen  live  better  than  you  Hirish- 
men,"  said  a  Briton  to  Pat  in  the  town  of  Tipperary ; 
"we  'ave  roast  beef  and  potatoes  for  dinner  every 
day."  "A  divil  a  bit  kin  ye  bate  us,"  said  Pat,  "thot 
be  jisht  phwot  Oi  ate  fer  me  dinner  three  toims 
ivery  day — barin'  the  bafe."* 

"Dom    thim    English    newspapers!"     said     Mike; 


426        IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


"they  do  be  allus  callin'  us  'Irish  bulls,'  an'  we  be 
neyther  bulls  ner  goats,  sor."* 

"Be  ye  huntin'  a  job?"  asked  the  section-boss  of 
a  tramp.  "Yis,  an  aisy  wan,"  said  the  hobo.  "Gwan !" 
said  the  boss,  "ye'll  find  it  in  the  jail."* 

An  Irish  policeman  on  Broadway  was  trying  to 
make  a  crowd  of  people  standing  in  front  of  a  shop 
move  on.  "Gintlemin,  plaze  move  on,"  said  he.  "Ef 
ivery  mon  av  yez  stands  blockin'  the  way,  how  the 
divil  kin  the  rest  av  yez  git  by?" 

It  was  a  Dublin  paper  that  reported  in  1890  that 
"The  health  of  Mr.  Parnell  has  lately  taken  a  bad 
turn,  and  serious  fears  of  his  recovery  are  enter- 
tained." 

"Dochthor,"  said  a  very  sick  Irishman,  "whin  Oi 
die,  be  sure  te  make  a  post-mortar  examination  and 
find  out  what  ails  me,  fer  Oi'm  dyin'  te  know." 

Said  Pat  on  his  death-bed :  "Don't  bury  me  alive 
till  afther  Oi'm  criminated" — (cremated).* 

In  a  legal  argument  before  the  Court  an  Irish  bar- 
rister exclaimed :  "Thot  hez  bin  the  lah,  yer  Honor, 
frum  time  immemorial  fer  the  lasht  tin  years !"  The 
"Coort  took  it  under  advisement"  for  the  next  tin 
years.* 

"An'  ye're  fayther  is  dead?"  said  Mike.  "Indade 
he  is,"  said  Tim.  "An'  it's  what  we'll  all  hev  to 
come  to  if  we  live  long  enough." 

"I'm  fighting  for  my  dear  people,"  cried  a  candi- 
date for  Congress.  "How  mony  av  'em  hev  yez  in 
yer  family?"  asked  Pat.* 

"Gintlemin,  Oi  can't  boasht  av  me  ancestors," 
said  Pat,  "but  Oi  kin  boasht  av  me  posterity  fer 
Biddy  and  me  hez  twinty-wan  av  'em."* 

"My  /or^fathers  were  noblemen,"  said  an  English- 
man. 


IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT       427 


"An  ef  yer  mether  bed  bin  a  'onisht  'oman  yez 
wodn't  a-hed  but  wan  av  'em,"  said  Pat.* 

At  an  anti-England  mass-meeting  in  Dublin,  it 
was  vociferously  resolved  "to  gather  up  all  the  notes 
of  the  Bank  of  England  to  be  found  in  Ireland,  and 
make  a  bonfire  and  burn  'em" — for  revenge. 

"We  hev  two  hunderd  thousand  min'  in  Dublin, 
drilled,  airmed  an'  equipped,  an'  ready  te  march 
agin  auld  England  fer  Oirish  Liberty,"  said  Pat. 
"Why  don't  ye  march  then?"  said  a  man  from  Bel- 
fast. "The  dom  polace  won't  let  us,"  said  Pat.* 

"Do  you  understand  French,  Pat?"  "Sure  Oi  duz 
ef  ye  spake  it  in  Oirish,"  said  Pat. 

"What  be  yer  politics?"  asked  the  Tammany  boss 
of  the  Bowery,  of  a  "raw  recruit"  from  Erin  who 
wanted  a  "star  on  the  Foorce."  "Oi  be  agin  the 
goovernmint,"  said  Mike.  "Why  be  ye  agin  the 
goovernment?"  asked  the  boss.  "Me  grandfayther, 
me  fayther  an'  ivery  dom  mon  in  Oirland  allus  be 
agin  the  goovernmint,"  said  Mike.* 

"What  are  you  doing  there?"  yelled  the  major  at 
Color-seargeant  Pat  running  to  the  rear  with  the 
flag.  "O'm  flaggin'  the  inemy  te  folly  ef  they  dare," 
said  Pat.* 

"Boys,"  said  the  captain  when  the  battle  began, 
"you're  going  into  hell.  Remember  your  country 
and  follow  the  flag."  "Plaze  take  the  lead  wid  the 
flag  yerself,  Sor,  an'  we'll  folly  ye  te  the  gate,  Sor," 
said  private  Pat.* 

An  Irishman,  who  had  never  seen  a  canary  bird, 
came  over  from  the  land  of  the  "Green"  and  hired 
out  to  a  Yankee  in  Hoboken.  The  next  day  Pat 
discovered  a  "yellow-jacket"  wasp  nest  in  the  stable. 
"Phot  be  thot?"  asked  Pat  of  his  employer.  "It's  a 
nest  of  canary  birds,"  said  the  Yankee  wag:  "hold 


428        IRISH   BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT 


your  hand  up  under  the  nest  and  a  beautiful  little 
bird  will  come  out  and  sing  ye  a  song."  Pat  put  the 
back  of  his  hand  up  under  the  hole  in  the  bottom 
of  the  nest,  and  immediately  a  "yellow-jacket"  came 
out  on  his  hand. 

"Ah,"  said  Pat,  "ye  purthy  little  cratur,  ring- 
straked  an'  speckled  wid  goold !  Now,  ye  darlint 
little  boord,  sing  me  a  song — sing  ' Erin-go- Bragh' 
f er  me,  plaze — Ouch  ! — howly  Moses  !  how  it  bur-rns 
whar  she  puts  doon  her  little  futs  !"* 

Mike  fell  in  a  fit  and  remained  so  long  unconscious 
and  rigid  that  all  thought  he  was  dead.  They  put 
him  in  a  box  and  held  a  "wake"  over  him.  Past 
midnight,  in  the  height  of  the  hilarity,  his  old  chum 
Pat  put  a  bottle  of  whiskey  at  the  head  of  the 
"corpse."  "Take  a  sup  av  it,  Mike,"  said  Pat.  Im- 
mediately Mike  grabbed  the  bottle  and  rose  up  in 
the  box.  The  women  screamed,  but  Mike's  old  chum 
had  nerve :  "Howly  Gosht !  Mike,  lie  doon :  ye  be 
dead  ez  a  salt  mackerel,  an'  we  be  holdin'  a  'wake' 
over  yez,  Mike,  an'  the  praste  be  prayin'  ye  out  av 
Purgatory,"  said  Pat. 

"Arrah,"  said  Mike.  "De  ye  think  Oi  be  sic  a  dom 
fule  te  be  dead,  wid  a  bottle  av  'Erin-go-bragh'  at 
me  head?"* 

"Halt,"  yelled  the  sergeant  to  private  Pat  break- 
ing for  the  rear  in  a  smart  skirmish,  "yer%no  brave 
man,  Pat."  "Sure,  Oi'm  grave  enough  meself,"  said 
Pat,  "but  Oi  can't  kape  me  dom  legs  frum  roonin' 
away  wid  me." — (Attributed  to  Abraham  Lincoln.) 

The  following  dialogue  occurred  in  Los  Angeles 
between  Captain  Murphy  and  Corporal  McGroarty: 
"Wuz  ye  in  the  Civil  War,  Mac?"  "Sure,  Oi  wuz, 
Murphy,  fer  six  long  months  an'  tin  days."  "War 
yez  an  officer,  Mac?"  "Indade  Oi  wuz;  Oi  hild  a 


IRISH  BULLS  AND  IRISH  WIT       429 


commissary  frum  the  Prisidint  ez  Carporal  in  the 
'Tammany  Tigers.'  "  "How  auld  be  ye,  Corporal, 
an'  hev  ye  a  pinshun?"  "Oi  be  pasht  sivinty-\van  an' 
Oi  niver  axed  fer  a  pinsion."  "De  ye  know,"  Car- 
poral, ye  be  intitled  te  an  auld-age  pinsion  av  $15 
ivery  month?  Ye  shud  apply  fer  it  immadiately." 
"Shure  Oi  knows  it,  but  Oi  wouldn't  tech  an  auld- 
age  pinsion  wid  a  tin  fut  stick:  thim  auld-age  pin- 
sioners  be  all  dyin'  aff  ivery  day,"  said  McGroarty.* 

"Bad  luck  te  Auld  England !"  cried  an  Irish  mem- 
ber of  the  House  of  Commons  "ye  hev  took  ivery- 
thing  from  Oireland  but  the  taxes,  an'  now  ye  be 
thryin'  te  take  away  the  taxes." 

"Gentlemen,  I  am  running  again  for  the  presi- 
dency," said  Bryan  on  the  rear  end  of  his  car  in  his 
third  campaign. 

"An'  how  mony  toims  moor  be  ye  going'  te  run  on 
wan  leg  on  the  hind  ind  av  the  race?"  asked 
"Croaker."* 

"My  hat  is  in  the  ring,"  said  Teddy  at  Cleveland. 

"An  the  ring  be  in  the  'Steal  Trust,' "  said 
"Widdy"  Wilson.* 

"Me  ould  grandfayther  is  dead,"  said  Pat,  "an' 
he's  the  on'y  survivor  av  the  battle  av  Watherloo."* 

"The  Irish  Bull  broke  inty  the  House  of  Com- 
mons," said  Redmond,  "an'  they've  been  milkin' 
him  ever  since." 

"What  has  posterity  done  for  us?"  said  Sir  Boyle 
Roche  in  a  speech  in  Parliament.  There  was  much 
laughter.  "Oi  don't  mane  our  ancestors — Moses, 
an'  Abrahim,  an'  the  loike,"  said  Roche,  "but  the 
min  thot  came  immediately  afther  thim."  And  then 
the  House  roared. 

"I'm  sorry,  Pat.    I  see  that  you  and  your  partner 


430        IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT 


have  gone  into  bankruptcy.  "Yis,  indade ;  bad  luck 
te  spicelation.  We  wuz  driv  inty  the  bankrupt  coort 
be  a  foor  harse  tame  av  mools."* 

"It's  true  indade,  Pat,  but  Oi  don't  belave  it," 
said  Mike.* 

"You  need  good  manners  more  than  money,"  said 
an  American  to  an  importunate  beggar  in  Dublin. 

"Faith,  Oi'  axed  ye  fer  the  on'y  thing  ye  hev  te 
spare,"  said  Pat.* 

"Is  this  the  right  road  to  Limerick?"  asked  an 
American  tourist  of  Pat.  "Indade  it  is,"  said  Pat; 
"kape  strate  ahid  till  ye  coom  te  the  farks  av  the 
road." 

"Which  road  shall  I  take  then,"  asked  the  tourist. 

"Take  the  ether  wan,"  said  Pat.* 

Mrs.  McFlanigan  called  on  the  judge  at  Cham- 
bers and  said :  "Jedge,  Oi  want  a  disvorce  from  me 
good-fer-nothin'  husband,  McFlanigan."  "What's 
the  matter?"  asked  the  judge,  "does  he  beat  you?" 
"Bate  me !"  said  Biddy.  "Indade,  ef  he  attimpted 
thot  Oi'd  bate  the  livers  out  av  'im."  "Is  he  a 
steady  worker  and  a  good  provider  for  the  family?" 
"Wull,  yis,"  said  Biddy,  "he  buys  the  petates,  an' 
he  swapes  the  flure  an'  gits  the  supper  and  washes 
the  dishes  afther  he  gits  home  frum  his  wurruk." 
"Does  he  drink,  Mrs.  McFlanigan?"  "No,  Jedge, 
not  fraquently;  wonct  in  a  while  he  stales  a  sup 
out  av  me  jug."  "You  must  have  good  grounds 
for  divorce;  what  grounds  then  have  you,  Mrs. 
McFlanigan?"  "Sure,  Oi  hev  the  besht  grounds  in 
the  wurruld,  Jedge — infidility :  McFlanigan  is  not 
the  fayther  av  me  lasht  child."* 

An  Ether  Jasus — Mike  was  married  and  lived  in 
St.  Paul.  When  the  Civil  War  broke  out  he  enlisted 
in  the  "2nd  Minnesota,"  went  south  and  served 


IRISH   BULLS  AND   IRISH  WIT        431 


faithfully  for  three  years.  His  wife,  Biddy,  remained 
in  St.  Paul  and  supported  herself  and  their  two  little 
girls  with  the  help  of  ten  dollars  a  month  sent  regu- 
larly by  Mike  out  of  his  "pay."  Poor  Mike  longed 
for  three  long  years  to  see  his  dear  Biddy  and  the 
"childer."  At  the  end  of  his  enlistment  Mike  re- 
ceived his  "honorable  discharge"  and  hastened  back 
to  St.  Paul  and  his  family,  a  happy  man. 

When  Mike  entered  his  little  home  he  found  not 
only  Biddy  and  his  two  girls,  but  a  "bouncer"  of 
a  new-born  boy  in  the  old  cradle. 

"Whose  child  be  thot?"  asked  Mike. 

"Sure  it's  ours,  an'  ye  will  be  plazed  wid  'im  and 
be  proud  av  'im,  Mike,"  said  Biddy. 

"Ah,  Biddy,"  said  Mike,  "how  cud  ye  do  thot? 
an'  me  away  fer  three  long  years,  wid  me  hear-rt  in 
me  mout,  fightin'  fer  me  country — fightin'  wid  Gen- 
eral Grant  an'  the  whole  rebel  army — yis,  fer  three 
long  years — 

"Foightin'  like  divils  fer  reconciliation, 
An'  killin'  ache  ither  fer  the  love  av  God;" 
And  yez,  Biddy,  what  have  ye  done !  —  Saint  Path- 
erick  an'  the  Howly  Ghost! — phwat  hev  ye  done? 

"Me  dear  Mike,"  said  Biddy,  "ye  hev  hit  on  the 
thruth  av  it — the  Howly  Ghost.  Kissh  the  swate  little 
b'y;  he's  an  ether  Jasus."* 


432  POEMS 


These  stray  "chicks"  of  mine  are  not  at  home  here.  They  were 
hatched  after  my  Indian  Legends  and  Other  Poems  were  out,  and  I 
want  to  give  them  a  roosting-place  and  save  them  from  the  wolf — for  a 
time — if  I  can. — Hanford  L.  Gordon,  Los  Angeles,  Cal.,  Oct.  1,  1914. 

Colonel  Wilkin. 

(Read  at  the  unveiling  of  the  statue  of  Colonel  Alexander  Wilkin. 
at  the  Capitol,  St.  Paul,  Minnesota,  September  8,  1910.) 

I   knew  him — that   fearless   Wilkin — 

Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel ; 
I  knew  him — that  gallant  Wilkin — 

Captain  of  Company  "A" 
Of  the  "North  Star's"  famous  "First." 

I  saw  him — that  dauntless  Wilkin — 

Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
When  the  Bull  Run  rout  begun — 
Holding  his  company  steady 

When  hell  broke  loose  on  the  hill — 
Holding  his  company  steady 

When  most  of  us  broke  and  run, — 
Holding  his  company  steady 

With  saber  and  gun  and  skill : 
Nobody  thought  he  could  do  it, 

But  Wilkin  said  '7  will!" 

I  heard  of  him — Colonel  Wilkin — 

In  that  bloody  fight  at  Gun-town — 
Where  the  stalwart  "Ninth  Minnesota" 

Breasted  the  Rebel  charge; 
Where  the  color-guards  fell  by  the  colors, 

And  sergeant  and  colors  went  down. 
The  brave  ranks  faltered  a  moment, 

And  a  few  of  them  broke — but — No! 
That  Scotch-gristled  Sergeant  Macdonald, 
Sprang  to  his  feet  and  flaunted 

His  flag  in  the  face  of  the  foe. 


POEMS  433 


And  he — that  gallant  Wilkin — 

Afire  with  heroic  zeal — 
Covered  our  flying-  disaster 

With  his  iron  men  of  the  "Ninth" 
In  a  blazing  wall  of  steel. 

I  heard  of  him — Colonel  Wilkin — 

That  bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
When  he  won  the  battle  of  Tupelo, 
And  fell,  like  a  Spartan,  fighting 

For  our  country's  cause  and  weal. 
"Boy,"  he  said,  "I  am  blinded ; 

Everything  looks  so  dark; 
I  can't  see  the  colors,  Comrades, 

Everything  looks  so  dark." 

Comrades,  we  are  dropping — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left; 
The  bravest  have  gone  before  us — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left. 

But  swing  your  hats  and  the  colors; 

Send  up  a  ringing  cheer 
For  our  hero — the  gallant  Wilkin — 

Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
Who  fell  like  a  Spartan,  fighting 

For  his  country's  cause  and  weal. 

Comrades,  we  are  dropping — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left ; 
The  bravest  have  gone  before  us — 

Only  a  few  of  us  left. 
Don't  you  hear  our  Comrades  cheering 

Over  the  River?— Hark! 
I  can't  see  their  beaming  faces — 

"Everything  looks   so  dark." 


434  POEMS 


But  swing  your  hats  and  the  colors; 

Send  up  a  ringing-  cheer 
For  our  hero — the  gallant  Wilkin — 

Bundle  of  nerves  of  steel — 
Who  fell,  like  a  Spartan,  fighting 

For  his  country's  cause  and  weal. 

Comrades,  we  are  ready: 

We've  had  our  day  of  toil  and  play : 

Gray  bugler,  toot  the  "Taps" ' : 
But  we'll  swing  our  hats  before  we  go, 
And  yell  once  more,  as  they  yelled  that  day, 

For  the  hero  of  Tupelo. 

Au  Revoir. 

(A  Dream.) 

I'm  going  out — I'm  going  out 

Upon  a  starless  sea : 
There  is  no  light  to-night — to-night — 

On  ship  or  shore  for  me. 

My  bark's  adrift;  O  Lord,  I  lift 

My  craven  prayer  to  Thee : 
I'm  going  out  in  mist  and  doubt 

Upon  the  shoreless  sea. 

I'm  going  out — I'm  going  out 

Upon  a  starless  sea : 
I  see  no  light  to-night — to-night; 
I  only  hope;  I  can  not  doubt 

Thy  father-care  for  me. 

Later 

Good-night — good-night:     I'm  going  out 

Upon  a  star-lit  sea. 
At  last  to-night  I  see  the  light — 

God's  beacon-light  for  me. 


POEMS  435 


I'm  going  out — I'm  going  out 

Upon  the  star-lit  sea; 
No  more  I  fear — no  more  I  doubt  : 
I  see  the  beaming  beacon-light 

An  Angel  holds  for  me. 

The  winds  are  still :  His  mighty  will 

Hath  stilled  the  stormy  sea : 
Good-night — Good-night ;  I  see  the  light — 
I  see  the  light — I  see  the  light 

An  Angel  holds  for  me. 

December  30  1911. 


A  Song  for  Christmas 

A  song  for  this  Christmas  day,  my  dear, 

A  song  in  this  wintry  weather; 
For  what  does  it  matter — the  time  o'  the  year — 

When  you  an'  I  are  together? 

What  matters  it,  dear,  the  time  o'  the  year, 
Or  the  gusts  o'  the  wintry  weather? 

For  the  fire  burns  bright  on  the  harthe  to-night, 
An'  we're  growin'  gray  together. 

A  song  for  the  dear  old  apple-trees, 
An'  that  bunch  o'  bloomin'  heather, 

Where  we  first  met  that  summer  day, 
An'  stammered  an'  blushed  together. 

A  song  for  the  love  of  our  love,  my  love, 
That  holdeth  our  hearts  in  tether; 

All  seasons  are  summer  to  me,  my  love, 
Since  we  locked  arms  together. 

December, 


436  POEMS 


The  Hermit  of  the  San  Gabriel. 

Leave  me  alone  with  myself  to-night: 

Leave  me  alone: 
Under  the  pines  and  the  stars  to-night 

Leave  me  alone. 
Let  me  dream  of  the  years  and  the  dear  ones  gone : 

Leave  me  alone. 

Under  the  pines  and  the  stars  to-night 

I  am  alone — 

Alone  with  my  soul  and  my  God  to-night; 
His  stars  above  are  my  only  light, 
The  light  of  the  eyes  that  I  loved  is  gone, 

And  I  am  alone — 

Old  and  alone.  December  30,  1912. 

Joaquin  Miller. 

Gray  minstrel  of  the  mountain  peaks, 

Grim  poet  of  the  desert  wild, 
In  whose  weird  songs  Dame  Nature  speaks 

The  language  of  her  chosen  child, — 
Companion  of  the  honey-bees 

That  sipped  the  dew  of  Helicon, 
Pale  harper  on  the  shoreless  seas, 

On  earth  your  songs  "sail  on  and  on." 

Men  gather  gold  from  mountain  streams, 

From  desert  sands  and  flinty  quartz; 
He  gathered  gold  from  golden  dreams 

And  sunset  skies  and  human  hearts. 
Men  fling  their  gold  to  wassail  wine, 

To  hazard  games  and  magdalen; 
In  songs  of  sea  and  peak  and  pine 

He  gave  his  gathered  gold  to  men. 

February  21,  1913 


POEMS  437 

BUTTERCUP. 
(A  Baby-Song.) 


Sweet  little  Buttercup, 

Sunny-haired  Buttercup, 
Dear  little  Buttercup, 

Hold  up  your  chin  ; 
Here  is  a  pearly  drop, 

Dear  little  Curly-top, 
Open  your  mousie 

And  I'll  drop  it  in. 

Buttercup — Buttercup, 

Hold  your  dear  mousie  up,- 
Buttercup — Buttercup, 

Hold  up  your  chin  ; 
Here  is  a  honey-drop, 

Dear  little  Sunny-top ; 
Hold  up  your  mousie, 

And  I'll  drop  it  in. 


The  Pilgrims. 

They  weighed  the  anchor  from  the  deep, 
They  cast  the  cable  from  the  shore — 

While  brothers  pray  and  women  weep : 
The  uncharted  ocean  lay  before ; 

Beyond,  the  savage  wilderness, 
And  toil  and  danger  and  distress. 

Before  them,  o'er  the  western  sea, 
A  golden  cloud  arose  by  day, 

By  night,  a  blazing  star,  and  led 
The  daring  Pilgrims  on  their  way. 


438  POEMS 


A  storm  arose  and  lashed  the  seas — 
Lashed  the  mad  billows  main-mast  high ; 

Grave  Brewster  fell  upon  his  knees; 
A  hand  of  fire  flashed  in  the  sky ! 

"God's  hand  is  over  our  heads,"  he  said ; 

The  roaring  seas  fell  into  calm ; 
Then  on  the  drenched  deck  Brewster  led 

In  fervent  prayer  and  holy  Psalm. 

With  battered  sides  and  broken  rails, 
With  weakened  stays  and  tattered  sails, 
The  Mayflower  braved  the  icy  gales. 

O'er  wan,  wild  shore  one  winter  night, 
At  last  they  saw  that  red  star  stand, 

And  from  the  star  there  spread  a  light 
O'er  stormy  sea  and  somber  land. 

There,  on  that  wild  and  rugged  shore, 
They  landed,  haggard,  weak  and  sore. 

Miles  Standish  drew  his  brave  broadsword, 
And  good  John  Carver  thanked  the  Lord, 

They  builded  high  a  great  camp-fire; 

Grave  Brewster  read  the  Holy  Word; 
An  hundred  voices  blent  in  choir, 
Around  that  blazing,  cheering  fire, 

Chanted  the  praises  of  the  Lord. 

And  while  they  sung  and  the  forest  rung, 
And  echoed  to  the  holy  hymn, 

Peered  from  the  shadowy  thicket  dim — 
A  wary  savage  and  adroit — 

The  gleaming  eyes  of  Massasoit. 


POEMS  439 


Famine  and  cold  and  fell  disease, 

Long  winter-long,  brought  woe  and  death ; 

With  Psalms  and  prayers  on  bended  knees, 
The  Pilgrims  held  their  holy  faith : 

And  westward,  like  a  blazing  hand, 

That  wondrous  star  still  beamed  at  night; 

And  it  hath  lit  a  mighty  land, 
From  sea  to  sea,  with  holy  light. 

The  seed  sown  on  that  rugged  strand 

Hath  grown  and  spread  from  shore  to  shore,— 

O'er  grassy  plains  and  desert  sand ; 
To  tropic  gulf  and  ice-bound  land; 

Beyond   the   sunset  mountain-peaks, 

Far  to  the  islands  of  the  West — 
Wherever  son  of  Pilgrim  seeks 

The  game  of  gold  or  palms  of  rest. 

And  still  the  seed  the  Mayflower  bore 
Spreadeth  and  sprouteth  more  and  more. 

June  5,  1913 


"The  Night  Cometh." 

(Voltaire 

On  his  death-bed  to  his  adopted  daughter  Reine, 
whom  he  pet-named  Belle  et  Bonne). 

Lay  your  hand  on  my  head,  my  dear; 
The  long  day  waneth,  the  night  is  near. 
The  day  was  chequered,  the  day  was  long, 
But  I  lightened  my  labors  with  love  and  song. 


440  POEMS 


Shed  not  a  tear  for  me,  my  dear; 

Lay  no  flowers  on  my  grave  or  bier: 

They  will  fade  and  wither  and  soon  be  sear, 

While  I  drift  and  drift  on  the  unknown  sea 

Whose  shores  are  the  shores  of  Eternity. 

List  not  for  a  voice  from  that  silent  sea ; 
Look  not  for  me  through  the  mist  and  fog, 
But  take  kind  care  of  my  little  dog: 
Poor  little  Cher — he  will  mourn  for  me. 

July  20, 

Seventy-Seven. 

Seventy-seven — Seventy-seven ! 
But  farther  far  from  the  bliss  of  heaven 
Than  the  dimpled  babe  in  the  arms  of  rest 
That  finds  a  heaven  on  its  mother's  breast. 

Seventy-seven — Seventy-seven ! 

With  no  fear  of  Hell  or  hope  of  Heaven  ; 

But  nearer  the  pure  eternal  rest 

Than  the  babe  asleep  on  its  mother's  breast. 

December  30,  1913. 

THE  GREAT  BRUTE  BEAR 

England — England,  where  are  ye  drifting? 

Dazed  by  the  guinea's  glare, 
Drifting,  drifting,  blear-eyed  drifting — 

Into  the  jaws  of  the  Bear. 

Blind? — are  ye  blind  to  the  bloody  past — 

To  the  crafty  monster's  crawl, 
That  means  with  his  savage  jaws  at  last 

To  crush  you — bones  and  all? 


POEMS  441 


Will  ye  strike  the  sons  of  the  mother-race 
That  stand  with  scarred  breasts  bare — 

Stand  with  bronzed  and  bleeding  face — 
Between  you  and  the  great  Brute  Bear? 

Cunning  diplomacy,  deep-laid  plot— 
Barter — and  bully^— and  bribe — 

To  kill  an  honest  rival  in  trade ! 

And  if  you  strike  your  brother  dead, 
Will  it  profit  you,  Cain — or  not? 

Christians  are  ye — a  cultured  breed 

That  boasts  of  its  charity? 

Of  its  love  of  letters  and  highest  art? 
And  yet,  with  foul  and  hungry  greed, 
Would  make  ten  millions  brothers  bleed 

To  stab  one  brother's  heart ! 

England — England,  stay  your  hand  ! 

Your  cause  is  a  pirate's  cause: 
Know  ye  no  law  but  the  law  of  Might? 

Think  ye  that  Might  makes  Right? 
And  if  you  win,  you  win — beware ! — 
To  leave  all  Europe  and  your  own  land 
At  last  in  the  paws  and  the  bloody  jaws 

Of  the  ravenous  Russian  Bear. 

"One  still  strong  man  in  a  blatant  land" ! 

God  grant  he  may  make  ye  think, 
And  brother  to  brother  outstretch  a  hand 

Of  love  o'er  the  fatal  brink — 
To  save  our  father-and-mother  lands, 
Ere  brothers,  grappled  by  brother-hands, 

In  one  wild  malstrom  sink. 

Sept.  10,  1914. 


442  POEMS 


Swan  Song 

Think  ye  I  sung  in  awe  of  critic-school? 

Think  ye  I  sung  for  praise,  or  pride,  or  pelf? 
Think  ye  I  sung  to  please  the  million  fool  ? 

Nay, — nay: — I  sung  to  please  mine  own  dear  self. 

And  what  reck  I  of  laud  or  babble  fame? 

Dust  unto  dust : — aye,  dust  is  unto  dust ; 
Fame  is  the  fickle  flicker  of  a  name: 

I  sung  betimes  because  I  must — I  must. 

'Twas  in  me  and  must  out.     I  care  not  where, 
Or  when  my  songs  may  tingle  other  ears, 
Or  ever  or  no  the  Delian  bay  appears : 
The  rolling  chimes  and  rhythm  of  the  spheres 

Made  music  in  my  ears, — 'tis  all  I  care. 

Then  wherefore  prize  and  print? — There  will  be  sons 
And  daughters  that  mayhap  may  wish  to  know 

What  fevered  blood  in  their  own  arteries  runs 
From  one  who  lived  and  laughed — long — long  ago. 

October  i, 


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